itsawonderfilledlife

Archive for 2020

Life Really is Like a Bowl of Cherries

Posted in life, tagged #freshfruit, #justsit, #maryandmartha, #sitathisfeet, #tasteandsee on July 14, 2020| 4 Comments »

Fresh, Okanagon grown cherries. They arrived at my door yesterday. A sweet lady had mentioned that someone was travelling back from the fresh fruit mecca of British Columbia. Would I would like to purchase some?

Saying no to OK (Okanagan, not okay as in mediocre) cherries, I cannot do.

And so, they were delivered to my door, with a warm smile.

Cherries are such a delicious, sweet fruit. To have only had to wait at my house for them to arrive was fantastic.

I mean, I could go to the nursery, purchase a cherry tree, plant, fertilize and prune it. I could water it, stake it to the ground. Then wait for the fruits of my labor.

But, when the fruit just shows up … with no effort but to hand over a few dollars, perfection! Once I said goodbye to my delivery girl, I just wanted to taste them.

In the Bible there is the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus arrives. Mary plunks herself at his feet and Martha begins scurrying fast as a … rabbit, gathering a feast fit for a king.

Doing, doing, doing. Working swiftly, to present her best for Jesus.

Then Jesus says to Martha:

“few things are needed–or indeed only one.
Mary has chosen what is better,
and it will not be taken away from her.”

That would hurt.

Martha, running around for Jesus, and he then tells her that Mary, sitting on her hind end, chose what is better.

This story was hard for me to get, because I am a doer. I just know that I would be in the kitchen, creating something to serve him.

Then I got the cherries.

With the cherries (such a rare, ripe treat), all I wanted to do was to eat them, enjoying their sweet fruit.

That is what Jesus asks of us.

When he arrives at our doorstep, he just wants us to recognize what a sweet treat it is to spend time at his feet. No production is needed. Just sit at his feet. Recognize that he is enough.

There is no other way to serve Christ … not even service to him … but to sit at his feet.

“Taste and see that the LORD is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!“
Psalm 34:8

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In the Silence

Posted in Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #bestillandknow, #gettingclosertogod, #hehasaplan, #inthesilence, #silenceisdeafening, #silenceofgod on July 12, 2020| 2 Comments »

Listening …

Sometimes it seems that the silence is deafening. There isn’t revelation, direction, not even critique. Just silence.

When will he speak, lead, direct? When will a fire be ignited in my belly? Where has my get up and go gone?

Questions I have asked, of late … of God.

It is just silent. I have been around long enough to know he is there, here, within me. I still know he has a plan and a purpose, but … it. is. so. quiet.

Erwin W. Lutzer, in his book, Getting Closer to God, wrote:

“Of course, it’s easy to trust God when the bush is burning, the waters are parting, and the mountains are shaking— it’s those silent years that are discouraging. But blessed is the person who does not interpret the silence of God as the indifference of God!”

God is not indifferent, uncaring, unconcerned. He is still working.

But, it is so quiet.

Ever been to a body of water that is so quiet, it’s surface is more like a mirror than a body of life? It is still, quiet. There are times in our lives when we long for such stillness, when noise is all around, when the waters are teaming with life, ready for the catch. When we long for things to just be still, quiet.

I hear the Psalmist say,

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I have no choice but to be still, for this is the season, yet … am I?

Worry and anxiety over that which is out of my hands, my control, can overtake my thoughts. There is no specific direction, no task at hand … and that makes me ill at ease, disquieted in my soul.

And the whisper returns,

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Not to be irreverent, but as I read this verse, over and over, I found myself coming to the conclusion that what God is saying here could be interpreted as

just trust me and hold my beer

He is reminding us that he is God, that he hold the world and all that is in it, in the palm of his hand. Just be still … that is your job, your task, your calling.

John 13:7 tells us, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”

In the deafening silence it can seem as though God is not there, that he does not care, that he has no use for us. But, in these silent days and years, he calls on us to be still, to contemplate what he has done in and through us in the past, to trust our unknown future to this God who has more than proven himself in the past.

He has a plan … just keep listening in the quiet, meditating at the calm waters.

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I Forgot …

Posted in life, tagged #alzheimers, #govisitthem, #honoringthesoul, #iforgot on July 9, 2020| 6 Comments »

* Tomorrow family and friends will bid this lady a final adieu … but we have been doing that for a couple of years now. This was my last visit with her, one I am so thankful to have had. If I might be so bold, if there is someone in your life who forgets more than they remember, go see them anyway … their soul is still here.

“I don’t think she will know who I am by the time I get there,” I stated to hubby one day, just weeks before I left for a trip to visit family.

My aunt (not pronounced ‘ant’) was diagnosed with Alzehimer’s Disease a number of months back. She has surrendered her license, her volunteer activities, much of her memory.

I had decided that if, when I called her on the phone, she recognized my voice, knew who I was, I would go visit her. Conversely, I had decided that if she did not recognize my voice, know who I am, I would not go visit her.

I want to remember her how she was …

That was my rational. One part, economical use of my time in the area, one part self-preservation (lets call a spade a spade … it was 1.99 parts self-preservation.

So, when I called her on the day of my departure (yes, this was something I procrastinated), when I said hello into the phone, I was shocked that she knew my voice immediately.

A thrill of hope ran through me, as I told her we would be stopping by for a visit soon.

It will be the same as always …

We arrived at the home she and my uncle have lived for as long as I remember. The home I spent countless weeks in the summer, playing board games, getting baking lessons, picking blueberries, watching movies and feeling like the spoiled niece of my (childless) aunt and uncle that I was.

The house, well-worn on the inside and out, signs of lacking maintenance by this eighty-something couple. Food, cooling on the countertops (breaking every food-safe rule), before being stored in the fridge or freezer. The outer porch piled with newspapers, saved for …

These props, extras in my periphery, meaningless to the woman I had come to see, who would know that I was there.

Our initial greetings were good, normal. Never an overly, outwardly affectionate woman, this aunt always had the sensible approach to life of Anne of Green Gable’s steadfast rock, Marilla Cuthbert.

With my first words, I made the first mistake … I asked a question about her whereabouts that morning. I knew better than to ask a question about something in recent history and I mentally scolded myself, as soon as my query was met by her uncertain response.

We visited nearly an hour, not another question from my lips.

We talked about my family, the distant past, looked at the wedding photos of herself, her parents (my grandparents) and her in-laws. I showed her photos of our kids, my hubby and videos of my lunatic dog that made her laugh.

She mentioned my sister who was travelling with me … actually my daughter. She looked … lost …

lost in the liminal space between a world she has confidently moved and navigated and one that she knows she should know, but the holes in her mind muddle the familiar into dark unfamiliarity … as though a constant joke is being told, and everyone gets it, but her.

As we prepared to leave I took a selfie with her, we each said goodbye (no doubt our last goodbye) and I whispered I love you.

That moment on the phone, when she knew my voice … that was what drew me to go see her. Maybe that was a push from another force, to honour this woman who planted the seeds of love and acceptance in me.

I needed to share in her lostness to remember that I need to love and care for others, not for how they make me feel, but for how I would want to be treated were I lost in a similarly disconcerting world.

I forgot that seeing her was not about me, but about her … what she needed.

That sensible aunt still lives within my memories and in her soul, to love when it cannot be reciprocated anymore is the most sensible thing to do …

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I Am …

Posted in Walking with God, tagged #humblevspride, #humility, #iam on July 7, 2020| 2 Comments »

I was reminded the other day of a characteristic of Christ that I had not read or heard of lately.

I am gentle
and humble in heart

(Matthew 11:29)

The characteristics of God, of Jesus, are woven through the New and Old Testament. There is narrative, story, behind these characteristics, both to show us who God is, as well as to teach us what characteristics we should aim to attain, in an effort to follow the model of Jesus.

This one caught my eye, because … it is so not what we often portray, what we teach, how we live.

The more proper translation is “I am gentle and meek of heart” but in our world the word ‘meek’ is often viewed as weak word … describing a negative nature, rather than humble, describing a chosen approach to life.

It is in that idea of a chosen approach to life and leadership that I can appreciate, respect and follow the example of Christ.

Jesus is not weak. For anyone who works to live humbly knows the efforts … selfless efforts, it takes to live in the direction of humility as opposed to the opposite, pride.

Proverbs 16:18 reminds us that “pride goes before a fall/destruction.”

Whereas Proverbs 15:33 tells us, “before honor is humility.”

Then, in Proverbs 3:34 we are given the contrast of the two, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Pride is the complete opposite of humility. They are incongruous to each other. One cannot be humble of heart, if pride lives there. The only inoculation that exists for pride, is an increase of humility.

Pride says I.

Humility says you.

Pride whispers we.

Humility speaks of they.

Pride shouts mine.

Humility says yours.

Pride speaks to the individual.

Humility speaks to community.

Pride keeps.

Humility shares, gives.

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself;
it is thinking of yourself less.”
C.S. Lewis

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A Tangled Mess

Posted in Faith, GOD, life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #atangledmess, #bestill, #bestillandknow, #godknows, #itiswell, #itiswellwithmysoul, #problemsolving on July 5, 2020| 2 Comments »

As a child I loved it when my mom would hand me what was once a tidy ball of yarn that had gotten loose in her knitting bag or scattered across the floor. She would ask me if I could untangle it for her. Or my grandmother would do the same with a necklace, whose chain had knots.

I would eagerly take on these problems, these messes and straighten out what was knotted. It was a game, a challenge for me where I usually had success and I loved it.

Problem solving has become my life. I have used this skill in my profession, helping students learn in unique and creative ways. In the running of a home, utilizing form and function. In childrearing … in so many ways. In helping in so many situations and circumstances.

Give me a problem, a puzzle, a challenge, a mystery. Invite me into your struggle, your situation, your sorrow. Let me untangle that knotted mess of yarn that is that part of our life.

What I am not good at is acknowledging when I cannot solve the problem, when the mess is tangled beyond my problem-solving capabilities.

Recently I ran into a snag … problems that I simply could not untangle. This failure of ability (for it was not a failure of desire to solve the puzzles) was getting to me. I looked at it from every side, tried to see if moving things would help. Yet, I was quickly faced with the reality that all problem solvers hate to face …

the tangled mess was out of my ability to straighten it out.

This self-acknowledgement wore on me, for that which I love to do and do well, I was powerless to accomplish.

Besides, I am a follower of Christ, a believer in the power of Christ in me … I mean doesn’t Matthew 7:7 say “ask and you will receive” … and Mark 11:24 says, “whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you”?

Of course I am taking those one-liners out of the context of the Word, as a whole … rubbing my Bible-Genie making my one wish. But, what I ask is so desired, so good, so sincere …

Then I saw an image. It was the one at the top of this page. It was the mess of the first screen that got me … as soon as I saw it, my eyes did not see a pile of letters, but a pile of yarn, twisted and knotted … a problem waiting to be solved.

That was the problem I was dealing with.

Then the reminder … the God-response … not the I love you, for I simply do not have the capacity to not know that God loves me, or others. It was the two words,

I know

He knows.

He knows the knotted, tangled, ugly messes of our human lives. He knows that situations that break our hearts, that mess with our confidence, that even make us question if we are still in his will.

He knows.

“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10

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O Canada

Posted in canada, WONDER, tagged #canadaday, #canadadayinapandemic, #covid19, #ocanada, #teamcanada, #thewholemorethantheindividual on July 1, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Today may well be the quietest Canada Day in our one hundred and fifty-three year history.

Though provinces, cities, towns and even villages are slowly opening up, large crowds are not gathering, fireworks are not happening, nor will we stand shoulder to shoulder and sing O Canada.

And that is because we are Canada … a vast land filled with leaders from coast to coast.

I don’t mean elected officials or public health offers. I mean the over 37 million individuals who call Canada home. We who recognize that the whole is of more value than the individual, that self sacrifice is for the greater good. That the greatest way to attain freedom as a citizen is by looking out for others.

During this pandemic we have done what the public heath officials have asked of us … kept our distance, stayed home, washed out hands (again, and again and again), worn masks and, when we didn’t quite feel well … we stayed home. Our united goal was to flatten the curve, stop the spread of Covid 19, protect others … our families, our neighbors, others who have never met.

In our following of their health orders, in our others-centered living, we, the citizens, have become leaders in the world … in our home and native land.

“This is one country. We’re all playing for Team Canada right now. Making the announcement as we did today was just part of getting Canada back on its feet and healthy again.” (CFL commissioner Randy Ambrosie after the league postponed the start of its regular season)

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all of us command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

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Even Though …

Posted in FAMILY, Grief, life, WONDER, tagged #cancer, #eventhough, #fearofdeath, #medicineispoison, #valleyofshadows on June 29, 2020| 4 Comments »

This morning, someone I love will begin to emerge from a valley of shadows.

Chemo and radiation treatments come to an end. It is a day that signals the faint but growing light at the end of this dark tunnel … this valley.

Just three months after our dad died unexpectedly, the oldest of my two younger brothers was told that he may have cancer. A month later that possibility was confirmed. Another month later, treatments began. Now, nearly two months later, he will walk out of radiology, hopefully for good.

In the midst of all of that, he had to have all of his teeth removed (due to the radiation treatments). Covid 19 introduced the world to social distancing, eliminating the support of his partner at medical appointments, counselling and making it more challenging to get transportation to medical appointments. It also restricted the freedom to travel (how I would have loved, would love to be there to help his family).

It was a solitary valley of dark and menacing shadows.

The side effects of the ‘cure’ were dreadful for him … for them, for his family were also subjected to the effects of such powerful treatments. They had to endure his physical exhaustion, the emotional rollercoaster and vile sores in his mouth and throat that made even drinking water an agonizing torture. They have watched his body mass decrease by over 15%.

It is as though, the completion of his treatments are the first signal in over seven months that our hearts can begin to emerge from the valley of shadows.

I have heard many whispers of Psalm 23:4 :

“Even though I walk
through the darkest valley …”

Some versions say, “yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” …

Death is what one thinks of when we hear the word Cancer. It doesn’t matter our age, our situation in life, the type of cancer … we all know of someone who had cancer, who died, So, when we hear it as a diagnosis our minds rush to that scenario … contemplating what we will miss, who we will miss.

I am certain that for our entire family, who were still wandering in the shadow of our father’s death, for whom death still had a presence, a personality … his diagnosis caused fear to raise it’s ugly head.

What a season it has been for him, his partner, his kids, mom and all the rest of us who cheered him on from the sidelines. It has not been easy. As he said to me just yesterday, “it was a good cancer, because it is so treatable.” Yet, a good cancer makes me think of the impossibility of being kind-of pregnant … it’s still cancer. And this ride has been so rough and in this time of pandemic, it has been made even more challenging.

Yet, here he is … walking through this valley, taking in the poison that is his medicine, enduring agony to eliminate the pain. Utilizing every bit of strength to get through each day, while this valley takes everything out of him.

Congratulations, brother! You made it to the end of this leg of the valley. You’re not at the very end yet, and there will still be a bit more stumbling in the dark, but the light is shining in.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4

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Embraced by Words

Posted in life, tagged #embracedbywords, #speakthewordsothersneedtohear, #speakwithvulnerability, #wordsheal on June 23, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Just words on a screen, yet they were so much more.

I read then, over and over again. Making effort to fully understand exactly what was being communicated. Hearing those words said through my mind’s re-creating of the writer’s voice. After reading them, I would turn from the screen, shake my head in amazement.

I love words. Direct words, spoken sincerely. I grew up in a home that was a combination of direct talk and stone silence. Much of the time, the direct talk was probably too direct, for it was often not always delivered with the needed amount of vulnerability.

Vulnerability of the speaker (writer) makes words come alive, giving them the power to infect the listener (reader), making them their own. To read words written directly, sincerely and with vulnerability is to feel as though the writer knows who you are, what you need to hear.

This particular day, I had awakened to a message from a student. A farewell and thank-you you message, from one who now graduates on to the rest of their life. The words were shocking … for they were kind, generous and vulnerable. The words were live-giving … for they indicated an awareness of efforts made, acknowledgement of contribution, of care.

Those words on a screen filled my cup.

They eased the struggle of adjusting to online schooling. Erased the moments of frustration, anxiety and concern. They overrode the events of discouragement, dismay. They patched and mended the times when it seemed efforts were in vane.

Those words, shared voluntarily, spoke volumes into my heart … they will be the fuel for the year to come …

but they will also be my final, positive and vulnerable communication from a young man who simply dared to share them.

We all have such words within us … words others need to hear, whose souls would be lifted higher and for longer than it would take for us to share them.

“Words satisfy the soul as food satisfies the stomach;
the right words on a person’s lips bring satisfaction.”
Proverbs 18:20

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Always a Daddy’s Girl

Posted in FAMILY, Grief, life, WONDER, tagged #alwaysadaddysgirl, #fathersday, #firstfatherlessfathersday, #imissmydad on June 21, 2020| 9 Comments »

He hasn’t been ‘daddy’ since I was quite young, but I will still always be a daddy’s girl.

He chose me … not really knowing who I would become, the choices I would make, or even if I would chose to love him back … that is father love that parallels the love offered to us all, through Christ, in our God.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1

God, the father to all, the father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5) will love us when there is an earthly absence of a father … of a good father. God is a father who loves with an unconditional love. He can fill the void that some feel on this day of celebration of the love of a father … the void of who we were because of a father’s love.

A few months ago I wrote of the grief of loss as not only that they are gone, but so is the part of you that was loved uniquely by them. It is the loss of a person, a relationship, a part of who you have always been … with them, in them, through their eyes.

I have always been his daughter … cared and sacrificed for, taught about life and living, chosen and loved as his own. It is hard to explain how it feels to have always known that you are so loved, to have been confident that there is no one and nothing that could ever change that love … not driving the car in the ditch, not even moving to the other side of the country.

Today I will feel it … the absence of it all … his presence, his voice, his acceptance, his unconditional, chosen love. The void leaves me aching with memories and missed opportunities.

Most of all, today I will miss who I was in his eyes, in his presence.

I was his daughter …

Though I am loved beautifully by my husband and kids, my mom and others who I hold dearly, today I remember, with thanks, the man who loved me enough to call me his own …

Today …

I ache for who I was in the eyes and heart of my dad …

every part of my life changed because of his love …

and every part of me is lonely for him, for my identity in and through him.

I am still just a dad’s girl and I miss him so.

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Evil Thoughts

Posted in WONDER, tagged #evilthoughts, #wonder, Life, Me on June 19, 2020| 3 Comments »

Do you ever have … evil thoughts?

Well, maybe not really ‘evil’, just … thoughts that, if you carried them out, would be so against your nature, and so vile and nasty to the recipient of your actions or words.

I am mature enough to tell you that I am guilty of having … evil thoughts.

This revelation began w a y back into my childhood, when I was old enough to know better than to do what the ‘little voices’ (oh man, now I am revealing that I hear little voices … now it’s in print, and could be used against me … to the ‘home’ they will send me) in my head were telling me to do … with my brother (I don’t remember which one, but that doesn’t really matter … I’m sure I had this thought about both, at one point or another). I was carrying him, and, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, throw him down on the floor … Yikes! Now, depending on what he had done recently to my Barbie dolls, I might have contemplated that a bit longer than I should, but, let me assure you that I did not do it … but I thought about it.

Then, the other day, I was out walking my beast. We walked near our home for a change, along the road, past other more rural properties. My beast, at the beginning of the walk, had a poo (and, yes, I did have a poo bag) … now this is strange, because she normally ‘goes number two’ at the end of our walk. So, I had to carry the full poo bag on our walk. Then, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, put the full poo bag in one of the mailboxes …. Yikes! We passed m a n y mailboxes on our walk, and the temptation was great! (and just to let you know, especially if you live near me, I did not put the poo bag in any mailboxes … just sayin’)

Not long ago (okay, yesterday) I was at a movie with my girls. And when I returned to the theater I almost went to sit with the wrong person (it was a very dark theater). Then, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, just sit beside him anyway, and eat his popcorn … Yikes! Okay, that one did make me giggle (and my daughters heard me, so they could direct me where to sit … and to ‘be quiet, mom, you are sooooo immature … imagine if I had told them why I was giggling)!

Then, there’s the parking lot … any parking lot. And the lot is jam packed, and I cannot find a spot. Then, just as one comes available, someone else gets it before me, and I have this thought … heck, just play the video!

And, NO, I am not guilty of actually doing this … yet (I do fear that the onslaught of … getting older, might make me susceptible to actually fulfilling what, lets face it ALL of us have had evil thoughts about doing).

Not long ago, my hubby had declared his 50+ pound weight loss, in our church, to much praise and congratulations (I’m so proud of him, too). After the church service, someone (whose identity God has been gracious to wipe from my memory), came up to me and said, ‘I see you’ve been finding all the weight that your hubby has lost’. And out of nowhere an evil repertoire of words came to mind, but … yikes … Gods omnipotence struck my vocal cords, and I was unable to respond (and, I have to say, I am a bit bitter about that one!).

Then there is that email … you know the one. It talks about fun things to do, to other people, while shopping (so many ‘evil thoughts’ in that one email)? Like slipping boxes of condoms into unsuspecting shoppers carts, hiding in a clothing rack and, when someone is looking, yell out ‘pick me’, or setting all of the Tickle Me Elmo’s off, then scooting out of the aisle, just as hubby walks into the aisle … oh wait, I actually did do that one … but not the condom one … yet 🙂

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