itsawonderfilledlife

There is a time in a woman’s life when she develops greater understanding for those in the midst of adolescence, when bodies and minds and every relationship around them is experienced differently. It is confusing, there are a multitude of emotions, and their bodies are changing in both weird and wonderful ways.

And for the woman, it is called menopause.

Though most think of menopause as a time when menstrual cycles end, hot flashes begin and weight packs on (without the joy of extra chocolate), fries or other deliciousness, these are just the tip of the midlife iceberg of this second adolescence for women.

My own first experience was that of the cessation of menstruation … and it was pure joy! After a couple years of bleeding more than not, I purchased white pants and revelled in wearing them whenever I wanted! My mind was no longer led along by hormones and I felt like I was more me than I had ever been. My closest relationships became even better as I had the clarity and capacity to focus in new ways. I was looking forward to the days to come.

Then … 2 inch hairs would appear on my chin, seemingly from evening to morning. My muscles started aching … for no reason. My eyesight became confusing (do I squint or back up?). My Everready Bunny energy had hopped away. The filter that once ensured the I bite my tongue no longer existed. My skin was itchy … all the time. My sense of taste and smell changed … leaving me constantly wondering if I was the bad smell. The patience I once so appreciated within who I was was replaced by finger and toe tapping. Skin began … to move, downward. I began to feel … kinda anxious, where I had not, in years before.

But, even greater changes happened, my dad, my ‘person’ died. I was now the meat, cheese and lettuce in the sandwich of life. Beginning to become more support to my mum, while still having young adult ‘kids’ who depended on me too. I became disillusioned by a job I had loved for years, because the role was no longer that of a trusted professional, but instead that of one who did only as they were told. Then hubby had a professional and physical upheaval that grossly affected our whole family, in every way and (for awhile) I became a caregiver to the one my heart loved. No part of our lives stayed the same. Our social, relational and spiritual community was gone, our financial security toppled, and our kid’s understanding of people of faith disintegrated to dust. Our kids grew into adulthood and my role in those relationships changed too.

I didn’t know myself, was at the end of myself.

There was a loneliness within me that went deeper than I’d ever known. A purposelessness of life. A sense of failure. A wandering in the desert of my life. Feeling dried up … from the inside out. All of the if-thens that I had held onto in earlier years had shown themselves to be lies.

Words I had never known personally attached to me, words like failure, rejection, useless, confused, unlovable.

Though the life events may vary, my experience of this second adolescence is not new of uncommon. Oh we women expect to be awaken by tropical moments, but the hit to our self-confidence, our abilities, the changes that smack us in our work and employment and closest relationships … those are not book titles in the change of life section of the bookstore or online. And yet, those are the changes that can take the breath from our lungs, the joy from the days we have left.

The song, below … it just hit right where I needed it … maybe it will hit you at the right time, in the right place too.

Not everything changes in life, whether adolescence, or second adolescence …

“You remind me who I am
when I look in the mirror
and I’m not so sure“

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Maybe it’s the dark season, maybe the flu virus that demolished my weekend plan or maybe just the abundance of time in my brain …

I was abiding in the doldrums yesterday, my thoughts going to and staying on the dark side. Gotta say, by bedtime I was brought low.

Then I awoke this morning with one word on my mind …

WHATEVER

and I knew fully and immediately what the message was and who it was from.

Whatever …

whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
think about such things

A passage from Philippians, memorized many years ago, as a child attending a Pioneer Girls club, surfaced … just. when. I. needed. it.

coincidence? I think not.

The Psalmist tells us, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). There is something powerful about scripture that has been memorized and how it surfaces in our minds when we need it’s message, it’s hope, the most.

According to a Psychology Today article, written by Ryan C. Warner Ph.D.,

“Neurologically, positive thinking activates brain regions involved in emotional regulation  and reward processing, such as the prefrontal cortex and amygdala. This activation triggers the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, known for promoting feelings of happiness and well-being.“

Whatever …

Whatever is on our minds, threatening our sense of inner peace, striking us with fear, making our stomachs turn with worry … whatever it is … job lay offs, change, death of loved ones, isolation from loved ones, rejection, stress, loneliness, change, depression, anxiety … a virus in the midst of the winter doldrums … these whatever verses are a U-turn, a reminder that where we allow our thoughts to go can affect where they stay.

This isn’t happy-clappy stuff folks, to make the switch in our minds to that which is positive is to fuel our thoughts with something that can help us manage the stresses and frustrations and seasonal affective disorders and whatever else our minds are struggling to have the resilience to cope through. In a sense, positive thinking is the most valuable nutrient for our brains to function and cope well in this sometimes dark and stormy world.

” … brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

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Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

A few months ago a song was perfectly inserted in a show I was watching and it delivered such significance to the scene, for I knew the song well.

Be thou my vision is undoubtedly one of the oldest hymns still sung (believed to be written in the sixth century), though it (as with many older hymns) began as poetry. Written by Saint Dallán Forgaill in honor of an act of faith and defiance to the wishes of the High King of Ireland, by Saint Patrick. It was not until 1919 that the verses (reworked about twenty years prior) were put to music … the hauntingly beautiful Irish tune, “Slane”.

I am so thankful that I was reunited with this song, for it has been a comfort, a balm, a reminder of hope and certainty in a time where hope and certainty seem out of sight.

It has also been a good, swift, metaphorical kick in the pants.

As I listen to, hum and even sing (in the privacy of my home) the truths of the verses, I wonder how it is that we who have faith, who worship such a faithful High King of Heaven

could feel that our world, politics, leaders, global financial systems, loss of community is hopeless.

How could we, who put our faith in God, be so dominated by the news of the day?

Perhaps if He is in our thoughts
“by day or by night
waking or sleeping
thy presence my light”
… our rest may be more restful, our days less anxious.

Perhaps if we trust first in Him to
“be Thou my wisdom,
and Thou my true word”
… we will know that wisdom is better than strength or power.

Perhaps if we abide
“ever with Thee
and Thou with me, Lord
Thou in me dwelling
and I with Thee one”
… we will know that loneliness is dissolved.

Perhaps if we deny the wealth, the privileges we hold in this world,
“Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always”
… we might not worry about losing them.

Perhaps if our communications are more often about
“Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art”
… others might believe in the God we say lives in our hearts.

Perhaps if understand that our victory is already won,
“whatever befall”
… we will not fear what this world and it’s leaders may do.

Perhaps if we raise our hands in praise more often we will be wringing them less.

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

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She bares her feet,
uncovered, exposed.
Her legs uncurl, straighten.
It is dark, cold,
early in this new day, month, year.
Familiarity tells her there is a surface,
a cold, hard floor on which to land her feet.
She’s done it thousands of times, yet
Yet this new day, this first day
is so full of mysteries
and the void of knowns gives her pause.

For had she known one year ago,
what happenings that year would bring …
and yet,
Yet, nothing could be
… can be known in advance.

There is no security in knowing what a previous year might bring,
that cold, hard surfaces would become shaky,
that knowns would become unknowns,
that death and life can take your breath away.

As her toes touch down, uncertainty remains.
She moves her foot forward,
dropping down, slowly, silently.
tiptoeing across the cold, flat surface.

A new year,
like that floor,
unknown, empty, flat and cold.
We take our first steps, slow and cautious,
toes vulnerable, bared …
bared to whatever they might encounter.

She knows there is a hard surface on which to land,
days, hours, minutes, seconds
Yet … what will fill them?
Meals, activities, work, sunsets and sunrises
laughter and tears.
tears … this is the unanticipated, undesired bump in the night
as we cross the threshold of a new year.

For what will bring the tears?

And yet, what will bring the laughter?

So, tiptoe my dear,
Cold and hard,
Shadowed and clear,
Eyes opened full,
Toes moving forward …

Forward, for … there is no other direction now to go.

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