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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

* this is a post from over three years ago, and although I would love to think my grammar skills have improved …20140630-112210-40930586.jpg

Recently, it happened AGAIN. And I hate it when it happens.

It makes me feel so … inferior, so …unknowledgeable, so … dumb 😦

Sigh, and the reality is … it will happen again, and again, and again … alot!

The funny thing is, it never happened to bother me, when I was a student.

It didn’t seem to have any effect on my self confidence, as a kid.

Or even on my school marks.

Heck, not even my college marks!

It really didn’t surface until, O, I think it was my first day working in a high school.

The ‘it’ I refer to is … good grammar …

I remember that day so well. I had gotten a job as a SEA (Special Education Assistant), and my role was to assist students with their learning. Not all students have the same learning capacity, nor the same learning style, nor speed. An SEA assists them in learning in a way, and with special materials, tools and curriculum that helps those students reach their potential. That was (is) my job.

What happens when the ‘assistant’ to a student is the equivalent to Shrek in the Kingdom of Grammar? That would be me (I think I might be more fairly compared to Donkey in that kingdom).

So, on my first day of high school, for the second time (I did graduate from high school, by the way), I went, along with my student, to English 9. And it was there that my lack of good grammar skills were giving me chills. I remember, as the teacher used words like:

NOUN and PRONOUN (aren’t they the same thing, just one being positive …’pronoun”?)
VERB and ADVERB (and aren’t they the same thing, just one being extra verbious … ‘adverb’?)
PREPOSITION
CONJUNCTION
INTERJECTION
PREPOSTION

My head started swirling, my palms were clammy, my knees were knocking … all because I feared the teacher was gonna call on me to answer the question that none of the students were answering. For that endless period of time, I was back in high school … all over again, and I really wasn’t appreciating the deja vu .

Being in that class, was so good for me! In that year I learned the meaning of noun, pronoun, verb, adverb and lots of other parts of speech. But, I am learning that there is still so much I don’t know … it’s amazing that I can communicate at all!

Recently I learned there are two ‘O’s’. One is ‘O’, and the other is ‘Oh’, and the two have different uses (who knew?).  ‘Oh’ is used as an exclamation of emotion. On the other hand, ‘O’ is used to address someone or something. The best way to differentiate them is “O God, Our Help in Ages Past”, and “O God, there’s a snake!” (so, ‘O God, Our Help in Ages Past’ would have a very different meaning … this will make you look at worship songs on your screen or monitor next weekend very differently).

I also recently learned that ‘alot’ is not a word (who knew?). The correct way to go is to use it as two words, ‘a lot’ … but them it doesn’t really make sense … ‘I love chocolate a lot’ (so I love chocolate … on a lot … in a lot … so confusing). The best thing to do is to switch ‘alot’ with ‘much’ … I love chocolate … much (hum, I still think alot sounds better, and anyone who knows me, knows I do love chocolate alot).

And then there is ‘ain’t’ … heck I cannot find evidence of it being a real, acceptable word, or not, it is just so confusing, some say it is and some say it isn’t (ain’t), all I have to say is that at my age, and the way I write (and talk), using the word ain’t, ain’t my problem … it’s run on sentences, and I ain’t gonna fix that one any time soon!

 

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iEat

diet cup

Hello, my name is Carole, and I am food-aholic. There I said it, step one is covered. Hum, maybe too harsh, too guilt-laden. Just saying it made me feel bad (maybe I need chocolate). Let me try again …

Hello, my name is Carole, and I am an emotional eater. Now that sounds better. Kind of less … responsibility, on my part … it’s all my emotions fault that I eat so much, so often. I love having something else to blame for my thunder thighs!

The thing is, it really is true, I am an emotional eater.

When I am sad, I eat … because I am feeling low, and I need something to make me happy, and food tastes good, so it makes me happy.

When I am depressed, I eat … usually I am depressed because my buttons won’t button up past the inches of flesh covering my 6-pack. Food always fits, perfectly.

When I am happy, I eat … what better way to celebrate, anything (a birthday, a wedding, a Monday) than to stuff your face with celebratory food (chocolate, anything with whipping cream, cheesecake)?

When I am unsure, I eat … when I just don’t know what step to take next in life, I just walk to the refrigerator. There is still uncertainty in opening the door … do I choose the cheese, the left-over chicken, or the left-over cheesy potato casserole? Heck, we’ve got an entire meal, why choose just one?

When I am angry, I eat … I like to think of chewing as a non-violent way to unwind from the rising tension of anger, and then I swallow, and then, hours later … well I kind of … flush the anger away!

When I am scared, I eat … fear gives my tummy a very uneasy feeling, like the contents of my tummy might revolt, and toss my cookies. Well then, I better make sure there are cookies to toss!

When I am PMS’ing … do I need to explain this one? I don’t think so! Heck Pre-menstral? Post-menstral? We women are always PMS’ing … buy your stocks in Lindt, Purdy’s, Ghiradelli, and Hershey’s men, and we women will grab the chocolate.

Look out world, my emotional eating is about to change the TSX, the AMEX, the NASDAQ, and the TSE!

See, it’s all for good in the end!

Pass me some Hershey Dark chocolate, please … my excitement over emotional eating is stimulating the world economy!

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Poo on the Pathway

*this is a re-post from 2011 … but I still am right!

I am a bit … anal (catch 20140608-160321-57801031.jpgthe pun?) when it comes to what comes out of a dog. But I am okay with that, because … I am right!

There is nothing that can get my knickers in a knot like poo on the path! I always feel as though my eyes (and nasal passages) have been violated when I see that! Seriously, how hard is it to bend your body down and scoop up that warm, stinky, bacteria-breeding matter, then dispose of it in the nearest garbage can? Heck, if you forget your ‘poo baggie’ you can at least take a stick and move it out of sight. Oh, my aching nasal passages!

So, one night (when the sun FINALLY decided to show it’s face in my life, while hubby sends me daily emails, with statements from a Southern Eden that say “Oh, it’s a bit chilly today, only 80 degrees” … let me tell you, he can take his 80 degrees and … lets just say, another pun) I took the beast for a walk (and wished I had brought mittens, and a toque).

We had a great walk. The weather was dry, mostly (when it started to rain, I started my ‘I hate rain dance’, and, for a change, it worked! The weather gods probably didn’t want me dancing in public anymore … it was probably quite a site … kind of a mix of something tribal, and a two-year old having a hissy fit). The beast was thrilled to be relieved of her cabin fever (cabin fever definition for my beast – any movement, by any of her ‘persons’ in the household ‘could’ mean she gets to GO, and so she will leap from wherever she is when she hears any movement beyond breathing). I was thrilled to be relieved of my cabin fever (cabin fever definition for me – sighs, whenever I hear or see rain, followed by frantic searching of real estate ANYWHERE else … Winnipeg has not be omitted! Can you sense my desperation?).

By the time we were in the home stretch (aka, the point of the walk that I start thinking about all the calories I just burned, and how that means I can now give myself a ‘treat’ … solid thinking!), I was feeling like a million bucks, and was starting to have ‘west coast’ thinking (aka. it rains for two weeks straight, then the sun comes out, and so do the west coasters, who all say the same things; “why isn’t this the best place to live?”, “It is so great to live here.” and “I love where I live.” … but where do their memories of the previous two weeks go? … and don’t tell me it’s optimism, it’s downright delusion!).

Then my beast did what she NEVER does … she pooed … on the gravely trail! My beast only poos on green … my fashionista daughter thinks it’s because her poos are yellowish and the green of the grass bring out the lighter, brighter hues … Oh crap (another pun), please don’t tell me you were falling for that!

Truly, she really never poos on anything that isn’t green. Why, last summer we has a dry spell (some time I need to tell you about the insanity of limiting water use … here!), and I thought our beast might be contemplating bulimia to avoid having to poo on brown grass. Heck, the kids are so infrequent at doing the ‘poo pick-up’, our grass is always brown anyway! But, I digress.

So, she poos on the the gravely trail. After my shock at her irregular (ha! ha! another pun) behavior subsides, I reach into my pocket for a baggie (praying the whole time that it didn’t fall out), and there it is, phew! At least I didn’t have to stand there looking around, wondering if anyone was looking at us, so I could skulk off, poo still on the path, because I didn’t have a baggie.

I go to ‘scoop the poop, in one fell swoop’, but, I am inexperienced in scooping poop from a gravely pathway, so one fell swoop just isn’t going to do it! I go in for the second swoop, but, again due to my inexperience, I apply too much downward pressure (this could be a pun ..), and my baggie (made out of the thinnest plastic available), shreds against the gravely pathway.

I am now so feeling the pressure (more puns) to get this mess wiped (pun) off the seat (pun) of my existence. I look at the shredded side of the baggie, I look at the remaining pooh still on the gravely path, I look at the beast, and give her a look that communicates ‘this is your fault’, and she looks at me and communicates ‘GO?’ (another, but much more unintentional, pun).

So, I reposition the poo in the baggie (don’t think for too long, of how I might have done that), so as to create the best possibility of one last (complete) successful swoop, avoiding any … skid marks … on my hand. But there’s just so many little pieces of poo strewn throughout the gravel! I am perplexed.

I swoop quickly, so quickly that the little pieces of poo, along with the gravitational (downward) pull, fly through the air, creating a much larger area strewn with the stinky stuff. I am left with a decision to make; do I even try to ‘finish the job’?

But, I have standards, and poo-lluting the pathway cannot go unwiped!

I bend, I swoop, and … it’s a clean sweep! I’ve bagged the poo! So, I tie the baggie up, and toss it into a nearby garbage can (when does that ever happen … usually I carry the full baggie so long, I forget about it until I start to toss it in the garbage in the van … imagine the sweet smell of success that could produce?).

This post, although greatly enhanced, is true, and I dedicate it to my 11-year old son, for whom there is no humor like potty humor! (and for whom, there is no greener color you turn, than when you are picking up poo).

 

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One of the things I love about summer break is that I do not need to ‘prepare’ anything the night before the next day.

I do not have to choose and lay out what I am planning to wear.

I do not have to ensure that there are clean socks and underwear.

I do not have to make my lunch.

I do not have to set the alarm at my bed.

I do not have to prepare the coffee and program it to come on the next morning.

20130813-205815.jpg

What I have learned this summer, though, is that one of those ‘night before’ preparations are imperative … no matter what is happening the following day.

You see, trying to make coffee in the morning (even for a self-confessed morning person, such as myself) before having had a cup of coffee is … near impossible!

I stumble into the kitchen saying over and over:
“I need coffee”
“The coffee will soon be ready”
“Just a few more minutes””It’s not that difficult a task”

“I think I can, I think I can …”

Then I talk to myself, replaying in my mind the process needed to achieve that most desired brew. I open the wrong canister in search of the beans. I lose count of scoops, have to dump them back into their container, and recommence my numbering. I bang my shin into the dishwasher, left opened the night before to allow the dishes to fully dry. I trip, beans flying across the floor, the cupboards, under the appliances. Finally, after re-counting beans, they are safely into their compartment, ready to be ground into a fine powder.

Then there is the water. The entire time I am running water into the glass carafe, I am saying over and over to myself just how many cups I am to brew. Then I pray, over and over, that I do not drop or slam the pot into anything that might cause it to smash into a billion pieces. All that is needed now is to push the ‘on’ button (unless I press the only other button on the machine first).

Then, the waiting!

There is something worse than making coffee in the morning, before having had a cup of coffee. It is having to drive somewhere to get coffee before having had that first cup of coffee!

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e76c7cd65cfb72a8e50c88e2937d3036

The problem started as soon as Matthew met Mary, with the mixture of misery and magic in their first glance at one another. I knew I was hooked to Downton Abbey!bea8241d69aa1722594fd55315b47889

I tried to start slowly, not allowing myself to be taken in by the ridiculousness of ‘needing’ to watch each episode. I tried to resist identifying with every character from Lady Mary Crawley, to her mother Countess Cora Crawley, to housemaid Anna Smith-Bates, to even Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham. I tried to pace myself …

But, alas, I was snookered into falling in love with the characters, the countryside, the grand estates, the lovely white Labrador Isis, the amazing costuming, and the language … I simply squeal with delight at the clever, sarcastic, yet proper conversations and lines.

3624c62560ee1e0f04f4e51c514c4d1cWhat started as a desire to watch an episode or two a week, turned into my having viewed the entire first season in less than one week!

Then I was reminded why addictions are bad … I could not find another online way to view season two … for free (Scottish heritage can overtake almost any addiction)! Now I really had a problem, because I just had to know how the ends left hanging from season one would be tied neatly up again. So, I bit my Scottish pride, and purchased the first episode of season two ($2.99! Highway robbery!)

Well, I just knew that I needed to see the rest of that season, and it was not falling freely from the clouds, so I headed to the library and ordered both season two and three. What I did not know was how long it would take for them to become free …

489e8977b2641566cf071b785df2a047I put my request in the first week of March, and only got my copy on the 24th of May! And it was not season two, but season three. Apparently there were still thirty-four people ahead of me for season two! I wanted to cry! I had what I wanted, but it was wrong to skip a season, if I were to truly enjoy the program.

As I complained bitterly to hubby, he said, “didn’t I tell you I found both seasons online … for free?” Yikes! It is a good thing that I needed his assistance to view the show, otherwise that poor man might have been beaten up by a Downton Abbey-starved woman!

70b6b64e0daed122fe7a90972dcafbaeSo, season two was viewed partially on a Saturday night, and the remainder on Sunday afternoon.

Season three (the library version) was started after work on a Monday, and soon to be completed.

I am already in a state of misery, as those characters have become friends, and Downton has become like a home to me. I surely will not find peace until I locate season 4, but then what? I will need to wait until the new season begins, and how long three months seems right now, having watched two seasons in less than one week!

This is the very reason addiction is not a good thing! That show has nabbed me, hook, line and sinker, I love it, I am in misery … woe is me.

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I am a bit … anal (catch the pun?) when it comes to what comes out of a dog. But I am okay with that, because … I am right!

There is nothing that can get my knickers in a knot like poo on the path! I always feel as though my eyes (and nasal passages) have been violated when I see that! Seriously, how hard is it to bend your body down and scoop up that warm, stinky, bacteria-breeding matter, then dispose of it in the nearest garbage can? Heck, if you forget your ‘poo baggie’ you can at least take a stick and move it out of sight. Oh, my aching nasal passages!

So, tonight (when the sun FINALLY decided to show it’s face in my life, while hubby sends me daily emails, with statements from a Southern Eden that say “Oh, it’s a bit chilly today, only 80 degrees” … let me tell you, he can take his 80 degrees and … lets just say, another pun) I took the beast for a walk (and wished I had brought mittens, and a toque).

We had a great walk. The weather was dry, mostly (when it started to rain, I started my ‘I hate rain dance’, and, for a change, it worked! The weather gods probably didn’t want me dancing in public anymore … it was probably quite a site … kind of a mix of something tribal, and a two-year old having a hissy fit). The beast was thrilled to be relieved of her cabin fever (cabin fever definition for my beast – any movement, by any of her ‘persons’ in the household ‘could’ mean she gets to GO, and so she will leap from wherever she is when she hears any movement beyond breathing). I was thrilled to be relieved of my cabin fever (cabin fever definition for me – sighs, whenever I hear or see rain, followed by frantic searching of real estate ANYWHERE else … Winnipeg has not be omitted! Can you sense my desperation?).

By the time we were in the home stretch (aka, the point of the walk that I start thinking about all the calories I just burned, and how that means I can now give myself a ‘treat’ … solid thinking!), I was feeling like a million bucks, and was starting to have ‘west coast’ thinking (aka. it rains for two weeks straight, then the sun comes out, and so do the west coasters, who all say the same things; “why isn’t this the best place to live?”, “It is so great to live here.” and “I love where I live.” … but where do their memories of the previous two weeks go? … and don’t tell me it’s optimism, it’s downright delusion!).

Then my beast did what she NEVER does … she pooed … on the gravely trail! My beast only poos on green … my fashionista daughter thinks it’s because her poos are yellowish and the green of the grass bring out the lighter, brighter hues … Oh crap (another pun), please don’t tell me you were falling for that!

Truly, she really never poos on anything that isn’t green. Why, last summer we has a dry spell (some time I need to tell you about the insanity of limiting water use … here!), and I thought our beast might be contemplating bulimia to avoid having to poo on brown grass. Heck, the kids are so infrequent at doing the ‘poo pick-up’, our grass is always brown anyway! But, I digress.

So, she poo is on the the gravely trail. After my shock at her irregular (ha! ha! another pun) behavior subsides, I reach into my pocket for a baggie (praying the whole time that it didn’t fall out), and there it is, phew! At least I didn’t have to stand there looking around, wondering if anyone was looking at us, so I could skulk off, poo still on the path, because I didn’t have a baggie.

I go to ‘scoop the poop, in one fell swoop’, but, I am inexperienced in scooping poop from a gravely pathway, so one fell swoop just isn’t going to do it! I go in for the second swoop, but, again due to my inexperience, I apply too much downward pressure (this could be a pun ..), and my baggie (made out of the thinnest plastic available), shreds against the gravely pathway.

I am now so feeling the pressure (more puns) to get this mess wiped (pun) off the seat (pun) of my existence. I look at the shredded side of the baggie, I look at the remaining pooh still on the gravely path, I look at the beast, and give her a look that communicates ‘this is your fault’, and she looks at me and communicates ‘GO?’ (another, but much more unintentional, pun).

So, I reposition the poo in the baggie (don’t think for too long, of how I might have done that), so as to create the best possibility of one last (complete) successful swoop, avoiding any … skid marks … on my hand. But there’s just so many little pieces of poo strewn throughout the gravel! I am perplexed.

I swoop quickly, so quickly that the little pieces of poo, along with the gravitational (downward) pull, fly through the air, creating a much larger area strewn with the stinky stuff. I am left with a decision to make; do I even try to ‘finish the job’?

But, I have standards, and poo-lluting the pathway cannot go unwiped!

I bend, I swoop, and … it’s a clean sweep! I’ve bagged the poo! So, I tie the baggie up, and toss it into a nearby garbage can (when does that ever happen … usually I carry the full baggie so long, I forget about it until I start to toss it in the garbage in the van … imagine the sweet smell of success that could produce?).

This post, although greatly enhanced, is true, and I dedicate it to my 11-year old son, for whom there is no humor like potty humor! (and for whom, there is no greener color you turn, than when you are picking up poo).

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iEat (repost)

diet cup

Hello, my name is Carole, and I am food-aholic. There I said it, step one is covered. Hum, maybe too harsh, too guilt-laden. Just saying it made me feel bad (maybe I need chocolate). Let me try again …

Hello, my name is Carole, and I am an emotional eater. Now that sounds better. Kind of less … responsibility, on my part … it’s all my emotions fault that I eat so much, so often. I love having something else to blame for my thunder thighs!

The thing is, it really is true, I am an emotional eater.

When I am sad, I eat … because I am feeling low, and I need something to make me happy, and food tastes good, so it makes me happy.

When I am depressed, I eat … usually I am depressed because my buttons won’t button up past the inches of flesh covering my 6-pack. Food always fits, perfectly.

When I am happy, I eat … what better way to celebrate, anything (a birthday, a wedding, a Monday) than to stuff your face with celebratory food (chocolate, anything with whipping cream, cheesecake)?

When I am unsure, I eat … when I just don’t know what step to take next in life, I just walk to the refrigerator. There is still uncertainty in opening the door … do I choose the cheese, the left-over chicken, or the left-over cheesy potato casserole? Heck, we’ve got an entire meal, why choose just one?

When I am angry, I eat … I like to think of chewing as a non-violent way to unwind from the rising tension of anger, and then I swallow, and then, hours later … well I kind of … flush the anger away!

When I am scared, I eat … feel gives my tummy a very uneasy feeling, like the contents of my tummy might revolt, and toss my cookies. Well then, I better make sure there are cookies to toss!

When I am PMS’ing … do I need to explain this one? I don’t think so! Heck Pre-menstral? Post-menstral? We women are always PMS’ing … buy your stocks in Lindt, Purdy’s, Ghiradelli, and Hershey’s men, and we women will grab the chocolate.

Look out world, my emotional eating is about to change the TSX, the AMEX, the NASDAQ, and the TSE!

See, it’s all for good in the end!

Pass me some Hershey Dark chocolate, please … my excitement over emotional eating is stimulating the world economy!

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