Posts Tagged ‘PMS’

Hot Fudge Sauce

Wanna know what makes my house smells  g o o d?

When I make hot fudge sauce. This is a long, drawn-out process, where I am bound to my stove top for a handful of hours.’Burnt’ can happen at any time. IF the jars are not sufficiently hot, and the sauce not just the right temperature, the lids won’t seal.

BUT, it is so worth the effort!

I have to admit, my hot fudge sauce recipe is stellar! I makes jars of it to give as ‘hostess’ gifts, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, heck, I even used to sell it. But my sales were short-lived, as I had the ‘privilege’ of meeting a health inspector at one of my first ‘Farmer’s Markets’ … sigh, that too is a story for another time. But, I digress.

Other than my kids I don’t share my hot fudge sauce recipe (and they really don’t give a rip about the recipe, because if they want hot fudge sauce, they just open the cupboard and pull out a jar).

Although, now that I think of it, I did give it to a pregnant lady once. Who, in their right mind would ever say ‘no’ to a pregnant lady? Any of us who have been in those tight, water-retained feet-wearing shoes, know that whoever she is, she is not to be messed with. There’s the hormones, the stretch marks, the multiple mid-night (not midnight, but in the middle of the night … although a pregnant lady might see midnight in the middle of the night … sigh, I digress again), pee runs (ha! ha! that is funny … pee runs … oh the irony … I’m sitting here, alone, at 6:57am giggling like I’ve inhaled laughing gas … I digress again), digestion problems that lead to sounding like a sailor whenever you eat broccoli … hum, there’s enough material here to start a new blog entry … suffice it to say, she’s pregnant, who would ever say no to her, knowing what she is going through?! That said, I did have her promise, on the life of her unborn child (another area where pregnant ladies are rather … vulnerable), that she would NEVER share the recipe with anyone else 😉 … oh ya, I could have been a political negotiator!

When I give my hot fudge sauce to someone, there is often a card attached, with directions. Lets face it, it’s not every day that a person gets handed a ‘pickling’ jar with dark brown ‘stuff’ in it … hardly appealing! The directions go something like this:

Remove lid

(duh, ‘metal’ rings … but someone has to say it)

Heat in microwave, til hot and pourable

(mouth is now watering)

Serve on ice cream

(I bought some yesterday … it’s just feet away)

Or on fruit

(there’s strawberries in the freezer too)

Or, if PMS prevails,

(really women are always PMS …

PREmenstral Syndrome


POSTmenstral Syndrome)

Take a spoon,

(I have spoons)

and the jar,

(there’s five on the counter)

put your feet up,

(I’ve been up for … an hour … I need a break)

and enjoy

(all sensibilities about the fact that it is only 7am,

and I am never going to lose weight, have left my being)

So, suffice, it to say, I make good hot fudge sauce. Maybe the next time I write the directions out I will say, it is great for breakfast 😉

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got_pms_ad_2-400x586When I am having ‘one of those days’ almost no one in my path is safe!

Hubby is likely to get his head bitten off like a gingerbread man at Christmas. The kids are likely to be forced to clean something or do homework (whether they have homework or not is of no consequence). Really, only the beast is safe … and that is because she (wisely) never talks back, and she adores me no matter what kind of day I am having. And I am likely to put myself to bed early … in hopes that I will awaken freed of this syndrome … the itchy-B syndrome!

Now you are smart enough to read between the lines (or re-organize the letters of itchy-B) to know what I am really saying!

These days happen to us all (men included … just sayin’).got_pms_ad_3-400x586

The days when the planets are all aligned, the moon at it’s fullest, the tide is in, and we awaken with feelings similar to those of a rabid animal, a psychotic killer or a woman with PMS and no chocolate in the house (this could be the main trigger to itchy-B syndrome).

PMS, now we are getting to the heart of itchy-B syndrome!

It is as though our inner evil twin emerges with the vengeance of a genie who has been cooped up in his bottle for hundreds of years! And if you think that experiencing itchy-B syndrome vicariously through your wife, friend, mother, sister, co-worker, etc. is bad, try being the one with the syndrome!

To experience it yourself is like having an out of body experience, where your mind and body have been taken got_pms_ad_4-400x586over by some unseen, but very real force. Kind of like invasion of the body snatchers, but the mind is included as well.

The worst thing is that you are completely aware of all that you are saying and doing, but your brain is operating as though it is no longer operated by yourself.

It is as though your mind and body were being controlled by some sort of remote control apparatus …

as though your words and actions are in the control and hands of another person …

as though …

someone you live with were forcing you to say and act the way you are …

as though …

Heck, it IS our husbands fault!

Like we didn’t know that in the first place!

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