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Lament Until It is Well with My Soul

Posted in WONDER, tagged Faith, GOD, Hope, it is well with my soul, Life, psalms, Wonder on July 28, 2026| 1 Comment »

So, it happened again, as it has happened so many times.

I am driving in my car and a song I have heard many times comes on the radio, but … this time … I really hear it.

I often think that when this happens, it is then that God wants me to hear His voice. And once I hear it, I cannot unhear it. It is unmistakable to me that God is pursuing me with a message.

This time the message was not completely new as it was an old song, wrapped into new words. A bit of a sidestep from the, but with all of the depth of the original song.

The first words I heard, were not the first words, but the second line,

don’t let me face this loneliness alone

That caught my attention, for I knew a number in my circle who were struggling with, facing, loneliness … and my heart was heavy for them.

Then the fourth line,

I need a peace that only heaven knows

Oh, that peace that passes (human) understanding! How many times have I written those words of hope for those who grieve, sincerely praying that the words become manifest in the lives of those sorrowing over the earthly loss of a loved one?

Jesus could you please
Just sit and cry with me …

Oh yes, the human cry to experience the empathy of God. To know that He knows the depth of our anguish, our lament.

And then it was the line that I remembered saying to God, so many years ago, as a young woman, heartbroken …

Til I can sing,

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
Whatever my life, you are still my God

It was a moment between my God and I, all those years ago. I was in the depths of despair, and despair is not a enviable place to be. All I knew at the time was that I did not want my sorrow to be out of proportion to my relationship with my heavenly Father. So, I chose a song, an old hymn, and sang it over, and over and over again. And I told my God I would sing the words of confidence until I felt the confidence of those words.

And so I sang the words of Horatio Spafford,

When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul

I do not know how many times I had to sing them over and over until I felt them, knowing that it it truly was well with my soul … whatever my lot. And when I could sing them with conviction, I knew things were righted in my soul and heart, in my life. Not that God was righted, but my very soul was right with God.

Apparently the songwriters of MercyMe also understood the struggle of singing the definitive words, it is well with my soul. So, they wrote the concept of the old hymn into more of a lament, of an ‘in process’ honesty over a ‘I’ve arrived’ hope. It is real … sincere (not that the original hymn is not), relatable.

The thing is it is a reminder of the reality and benefit of lament. Of crying out to God our sorrow, grief and even anger … acknowledging that His shoulders are big enough to handle our human emotions. Acknowledging that, whether we yet feel it or not, our souls are well, and our pursuit is toward righting the reality and the feelings until they are in line with each other.

Laments are prayers that erupt from wounds, burst out of unbearable pain, and bring it to language. Laments complain, shout, and protest. They take anger and despair before God and the community. They grieve. They argue. They find fault. Without complaint there is no lament form. Although laments appear disruptive of God’s word, they are acts of fidelity. In vulnerability and honesty, they cling obstinately to God and demand for God to see, hear, act.
Kathleen O’Connor

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Are You Ready to Fly?

Posted in WONDER, tagged GOD, heaven, Hope, Life, Purpose, Wonder on July 6, 2026| Leave a Comment »

It was our younger daughter’s wedding day and I was on the upper deck, enjoying a morning coffee and taking a deep breath. In the moment I was so conscious that each breath is a gift and looked to the blue sky. Three tiny birds flitted in front of me, up and off to the right, out of sight and I smile. In that moment I saw our three, playing joyfully in the sky of today. Though they are now adults, and they too fly out of my sight, unaware that I am watching them … and I take a deep breath and I smile.

And a thought came to my conscious,

Carole, are you ready to fly?
Are you ready to let go of this life,
of breath,
of the ones you love,
for what is next?

What a thought on a happy, joyful day … and yet …

I immediately whispered that thought, that question to myself.

And I thought of my girls, living life with the ones they love and who love them.

I thought of my grandbaby enroute, how bathed in prayer already.

I thought of my son, strong, steady and following his God.

I thought of my husband, the one whom I love.

I thought of my mum, who has told me every day, I love you.

and then I whispered,

as though it was not a response of my mind …

I am ready.

I do not want to leave these loves, but … I am ready.

I am hoping it is not through pain, but … I am ready.

I still have hopes and plans, but … I am ready.

This was not a thought born of sadness or depression. Not from apathy or despair. I cannot say exactly where or why it came to mind at all, though perhaps at line of thinking that is healthy to entertain once in a while.

I do not think of death, or heaven very often. I am relatively healthy, I work, have family and friends who fill my days, my thoughts. And yet, as a follower of Christ, I believe that I have treasures that await me in heaven. Not valuables as we see them here and now, but the priceless treasures of existence without pain, or sickness, or heartache, or disaster, or hate, or loneliness, or death. Heaven is the place of truth, promises kept, joy, love, Jesus.

The Apostle, Paul spoke of death, dying and heaven and one who must have put much more thought into eternity:

I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.
Philippians 1:20-24

Paul is expressing a conundrum, back and forth between the reality of now and the hope of what is to come. In his words I read a heart that longs to be with his Savior, a soul that knows this world is not his home, not what he was made for.

So, I come back to that question that sung from those three birds in the sky,

Carole, are you ready to fly?
Are you ready to let go of this life,
of breath,
of the ones you love,
for what is next?

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Fathers and Their Children

Posted in WONDER, tagged #achildsobligation, #fathersday, FAMILY, Father's Day, Life, Love, Writing on June 21, 2026| Leave a Comment »

“What is a child’s obligation to his parent?”

Malcolm Gladwell asked this question in a podcast (Revisionist History: The Basement Tapes, Aug 16, 2017) I was listening to the other day … and it stuck in my mind all day, all night. Perhaps because Father’s Day was approaching.

I have never been a dad, never will be. I cannot get into the thoughts of a man who is a father but I do know what it is to be a child of man, a daughter of a father. So, maybe I can relate with Mr. Gladwell’s question … maybe we all can.

Fathers are not all the same, not all equal. Not all fathers are good (nor are they all bad). Is the obligation of every child equal?

These are questions I have been asking … hard questions. I have come to few conclusions, but one keeps coming back to me.

As children of our fathers, we have no power to change what has been done to us … he good, the bad and the ugly. We are only responsible for ourselves and our actions. As adult children of our fathers, we are the only ones responsible for what we do with what our fathers have given to us.

“I cannot go back and relive my life, it just is what it is, but I can see to it that the grace that the Lord has poured on me is not in vain. That is my hope.”
Beth Moore

I remember a time, a really busy time in my life, our home and family. Our kids were involved in various activities, we had two international students living with us, hubby was a church pastor in constant demand, I had a job as well as being the head wrangler of all persons and pets under our roof. Tired was my never-ending experience of life. One day I received a letter from my dad, who I loved and who I knew loved me. In the letter he got real with me about his (and my mum’s) life. They were lonely, they missed me and he was asking that I make more effort to be in contact with them.

I will be honest, my first response as I read his words was, dad, you have no idea what my life is like right now. Then I realized, I had no idea of what his life is like … until he told me. So, I quietly vowed to pull my big girl pants us and just honor him/them. Not because they deserved it, so much as honoring him was more about me, about who I was and who I wanted to be.

It may be that you have had a father that was horrible, hurtful, even dangerous. And maybe your best obligation to him, is to learn from him and his actions.

Or it may be that your relationship with your father disintegrated over time and you aren’t even sure where the downturn began. As an adult, what is your best obligation to him?

What I am trying to say is, as adult children, perhaps our obligation to our fathers … it is not dependent on them, it is dependent on us.

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What is so Wonderful about Life?

Posted in WONDER, tagged GOD, Life, Wonder on March 25, 2026| Leave a Comment »

As we move through the many stages and experiences of life we can bump up against mammoth walls that have us wondering about life … it’s meaning, it’s purpose. We may even be so stunted by the events of life that we question our life, our meaning, our purpose.

What is so wonderful about life?

At a younger age, there was anticipation of what was to come. Education, work, love, marriage, children, housing, trips, friendships … And there were celebrations for seemingly every new goal achieved.

As life moved towards midlife, life was child-centic, survival-focused. This was a beautiful season, a costly season … when rest was just out of reach and money flowed in and out in equal measure. We stepped out of the focus of celebrations, as our children stepped onto center stage. We anticipated every stage of our children’s lives, as well as a day when there would be downtime.

Then this empty nest season, where our nests may be empty (or, perhaps we wish they were). Our partner may be someone you are reconnecting with, apart from or living with in an awkward, unfamiliar silence. So many of our friendships in the past were connections through our children’s activities which are no more and so we are in the position of making new friendships. Our career may be feeding our souls, or just feeding our bodies as we count the days to retirement, or it may have been complicated as more youthful perspectives have replaced sage experience. We may be assisting our aging parents, or saying farewell to them in death. Now we look forward to the possibility of grandkids, of vacations, retirement and (do I dare say it?) of heaven.

There can be this feeling of unfamiliarity with this stage. It is uncharted territory that we are sailing into. Our relationships, with parents, spouses, children and friends may be altered. Our own bodies have and are changing, morphing into a regular out of body experience. For some, our bodies have deteriorated by use or disease. We are seeking new experiences, motivations, direction. We need a new focus, a compass to guide us into this new life experience.

So, what is so wonderful about life?

It is simple … and maybe complex at the same time.

For what is wonderful about life is …

that we get to live it … each day a fresh start, a blank slate. We have opportunity to do, to go, even just to be.

Life, it is the gift that not all are granted.

It might me airy fairy or Pollyanna of me, but, each breath that we get to breathe is a precious, undeserved, unpromised grace. And it is from the God who created us.

May we receive this gift of life, each day we awake, for it is wonderful indeed

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Gardener of my Heart

Posted in WONDER, tagged Faith, gardening, Life, nature, Rest on January 22, 2025| 2 Comments »

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.

I love those words, words that paint an image on the canvas of my mind. To garden is to encourage the growth of beauty. It is to motivate the life that only brings the best fruit from the plant, the vine. There is a sense of nurture, care.

But fruit, a good harvest, it doesn’t come simply from a gardener loving the plant, pampering it and whispering sweet nothings. Fruit growth requires digging in the soil, pruning, plucking and burning the branches that run wild, overgrown.

And that hurts.

Have you ever heard the lyrics to a song and wondered how a total stranger could write your own story? But then I realized that it is the song of us all.

It was one word that lingered in my thoughts for days and even weeks.

Break up the fallow ground

It was the word fallow.

And I searched my brain … fallow, that refers to a field that is unused, resting.

But, it didn’t end. Now it lingered in my mind, where it was tumbled and tossed, agitated. And each time it came to mind, my mind was agitated as well. Finally, after hearing it again just days ago, I knew what I needed to do … find a definition an explanation of the word.

fallow
plowed and harrowed but left unsown for a period in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation or to avoid surplus production.

So the soil was plowed, all turned over. Then harrowed, chopping up the chunks of earth until it is smooth and ready for seed planting. Yet … it was left like that. Not to leave it empty, unnecessarily, but so that this soil could rest and be revived with the nutrients it needs when planting time comes.

(this is where the silent, knowing smile appeared across my face)

There have been fallow seasons in my life. Seasons that lasted far more than weeks or months. My fallow seasons, they lasted years. Years when I was turned and smooth … when I was ready for planting, but …

I was left.

I sat still.

Unused.

Empty.

With no purpose …

But, there was purpose in those fallow seasons. During those seemingly useless years, it was then that I was given opportunity to rest and be fed with what would be needed, when the time of seed-planting comes.

And it does come, maybe not the seeds you might expect, but God does not plow and harrow then leave his precious soil fallow forever …

So be the gardener of my heart
Tend the soil of my soul
Break up the fallow ground

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‘Real’ Life

Posted in WONDER, tagged Life, Love, mental health, Pain, poetry on June 13, 2024| 1 Comment »

This month a number of lovely students I know will walk a stage, be handed a diploma, have a tassel flipped and smile for the camera. Then they move on to ‘real’ life.

Thirty-seven years ago I was that student. Oh, how I would love to whisper some truths about real life to that eighteen year old! Though, to be honest, I am not sure that younger me would have listened.

Real life … what is ‘real’ life? What makes life ‘real’?

I know this much is true …

real life costs, hurts and has nothing to do with outward appearances.

real life is played out in the long, dark seasons.

real life happens when no one is looking.

Real life costs. It costs money, time and everything you thought were your assets. It often costs more than you actually have at your disposal. It can mean having to beg, borrow or steal to afford such a cost. The price of real life can make the costs of graduation or university tuition seem thrifty. Real life educates you on the lack of value of valuables,

and in the priceless value of health, relationships, purpose, breath.

Real life hurts. It can hurt physically, like when giving birth, or enduring treatments for a disease that can seem harder than the disease … or internally, emotionally when there is separation from loved ones … through distance (physical or relational), or death. Real life hurts can make your insides ache so that you cannot imagine the pain ever dissipating. Real life is when,

the pain you feel is nothing compared to the pain felt by a loved one.

Real life has nothing to do with outward appearances. The freshly cut and styled hair, the the manis and pedis, the elaborate gowns and trendy suits of graduation formals … these are merely temporary decor covering a very real soul. The only makeover for the soul is to live life authentically, truthfully, while acknowledging the handiwork of the Master …

the One true God whose fingerprint is on each soul.

As I look back thirty-seven years, I know now how very little I knew then. How very little of what the future would hold, but also how very little of what would be valuable in life. And now, as I look ahead, the only thing I know is that it will cost, I will learn, be stretched, feel pain and joy.

And may I long more each day to meet my God, one day (no hurrying that, though). In Him is all that is really real.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse …

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

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A Soft and Gentle Rain

Posted in WONDER, tagged blog, Life, nature, poetry, rain on June 5, 2024| 1 Comment »

Where I live, we have been living in the season of SPWINTER. The calendar indicates that it is spring, but the weather isn’t always sunny and flowery and gentle and springy.

Sometimes in May or June, the weather is dreadful. There’s thunderstorms and lightning and hail and the weather gets colder, not warmer and it’s just nasty and unappealing and ruins your plans and kind of break your heart.

And then

you walk out of your door one day and the rain is falling (again), but this rain that is falling …

it’s the soft gentle type of rain.

It’s this soft, gentle rain that you can see when you’re looking ahead of yourself, but it’s so soft and so gentle that if you took a photo there would be no visual indication that it is raining.

As I was driving to work recently this soft and gentle rain was falling, and a smile

a big, directly from the deepest part within me smile

grew across my face.

(and it is a rare thing for me to smile when it is raining, to say nothing of smiling because it is raining).

And if felt like a balm, a soothing ointment for my dreary, rain-soaked state of mind.

And I immediately whispered thanks for this reprieve. Not a reprieve from the rain and clouds and dreary-all-around, but a reprieve from the harshness of the elements, an opportunity to be reminded that hope, that peace, can also exist in the midst of the storm.

And so, in life

things don’t go as we expect, or wish, or hope that they would.

and we get discouraged, disappointed and glum.

we feel we are missing out on what should be our day, week, out life.

But then,

in the midst of the dank, dark storms,

comes this gentle rain.

Rain that slows your heartbeat.

Rain that nurtures wonder.

Rain that reminds you that real peace is not an absence of storms, but peace in the midst of them.

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Evil Thoughts

Posted in WONDER, tagged #evilthoughts, #wonder, Life, Me on June 19, 2020| 3 Comments »

Do you ever have … evil thoughts?

Well, maybe not really ‘evil’, just … thoughts that, if you carried them out, would be so against your nature, and so vile and nasty to the recipient of your actions or words.

I am mature enough to tell you that I am guilty of having … evil thoughts.

This revelation began w a y back into my childhood, when I was old enough to know better than to do what the ‘little voices’ (oh man, now I am revealing that I hear little voices … now it’s in print, and could be used against me … to the ‘home’ they will send me) in my head were telling me to do … with my brother (I don’t remember which one, but that doesn’t really matter … I’m sure I had this thought about both, at one point or another). I was carrying him, and, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, throw him down on the floor … Yikes! Now, depending on what he had done recently to my Barbie dolls, I might have contemplated that a bit longer than I should, but, let me assure you that I did not do it … but I thought about it.

Then, the other day, I was out walking my beast. We walked near our home for a change, along the road, past other more rural properties. My beast, at the beginning of the walk, had a poo (and, yes, I did have a poo bag) … now this is strange, because she normally ‘goes number two’ at the end of our walk. So, I had to carry the full poo bag on our walk. Then, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, put the full poo bag in one of the mailboxes …. Yikes! We passed m a n y mailboxes on our walk, and the temptation was great! (and just to let you know, especially if you live near me, I did not put the poo bag in any mailboxes … just sayin’)

Not long ago (okay, yesterday) I was at a movie with my girls. And when I returned to the theater I almost went to sit with the wrong person (it was a very dark theater). Then, out of nowhere, there is this evil thought in my head … Carole, just sit beside him anyway, and eat his popcorn … Yikes! Okay, that one did make me giggle (and my daughters heard me, so they could direct me where to sit … and to ‘be quiet, mom, you are sooooo immature … imagine if I had told them why I was giggling)!

Then, there’s the parking lot … any parking lot. And the lot is jam packed, and I cannot find a spot. Then, just as one comes available, someone else gets it before me, and I have this thought … heck, just play the video!

And, NO, I am not guilty of actually doing this … yet (I do fear that the onslaught of … getting older, might make me susceptible to actually fulfilling what, lets face it ALL of us have had evil thoughts about doing).

Not long ago, my hubby had declared his 50+ pound weight loss, in our church, to much praise and congratulations (I’m so proud of him, too). After the church service, someone (whose identity God has been gracious to wipe from my memory), came up to me and said, ‘I see you’ve been finding all the weight that your hubby has lost’. And out of nowhere an evil repertoire of words came to mind, but … yikes … Gods omnipotence struck my vocal cords, and I was unable to respond (and, I have to say, I am a bit bitter about that one!).

Then there is that email … you know the one. It talks about fun things to do, to other people, while shopping (so many ‘evil thoughts’ in that one email)? Like slipping boxes of condoms into unsuspecting shoppers carts, hiding in a clothing rack and, when someone is looking, yell out ‘pick me’, or setting all of the Tickle Me Elmo’s off, then scooting out of the aisle, just as hubby walks into the aisle … oh wait, I actually did do that one … but not the condom one … yet 🙂

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Laverne, the Theologian

Posted in GOD, life, WONDER, tagged Go Into All The World, Laverne, Life, Risk, Safe, Sanctuary, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Theologian, You Can't Stay Cooped Up Here Forever on August 1, 2019| 2 Comments »

One of my favorite theologian’s name is Laverne.

She is female, I think. I do not know her age. I presume her to be Catholic. She is wise, and funny, and sarcastic (oh, how I do love sarcasm). She is not human. She is not even alive. She, my favorite theologian, is Laverne, one of the three gargoyles from the Disney movie, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (and the only one whose voice comes from a female).

Some of the things that she taught me are :

“… take it from an old spectator. Life’s not a spectator sport. If watchin’ is all you’re gonna do, then you’re gonna watch your life go by without ya.”

“these (physical) chains aren’t what’s holding you back”

“We just thought maybe you were made of somethin’ stronger.”

“Fly, my pretties! Fly, fly!”

But my favorite teaching from Laverne the theologian was, “nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever.” She says this to the bell ringer, Quasimodo, who had spent his life being ‘safe’ in his cathedral tower. Inside the walls of the church he had all he needed. He had friends (the gargoyles), he had food, and clothes, and … sanctuary. He was protected from the evils outside of the walls of Notre Dame.

But, was he living? Was he fulfilling his purpose?

It was not until Quasimodo left the sanctuary of his bell tower that he could taste and see what life among the living was like. It was in learning to risk, and love and lose that he learned that he had something to bring to the world, beyond the safety of his church walls.

For me, this lesson is one that I want to hold on to. I too enjoy the sanctuary of my church. But, it is in my leaving this place of sanctuary, that I bring what I have, in Christ, to the world. If I stay ‘cooped up (at church) here forever’ I then am not allowing God to use me, as his vessel through which he might speak to those yet to choose life with him.

When we, who profess the Christian faith, surround ourselves with only those who share our belief system, we have forgotten the words of Jesus:

“And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.” Mark 16:15

This is the great commission, this is our commissioning, from Jesus, to take his word, his light into the world … it is why we are here, our purpose.

So, I challenge those of you (and me) who find sanctuary in the walls of your cathedral, we can’t stay cooped up there forever.

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“Dead People’s Goals”

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #deadpeoplesgoals, #discomfort, #livereal, #meaningfullife, #susandavid, Life on February 6, 2018| Leave a Comment »

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness
It took me years to understand that, this too, was a gift”
Mary Oliver

box

I do not always live it, perfectly, but I do believe that we should look for the positive in all situations … even the dark ones.

That said, I also believe in living authentically, in being really real.

Last week I discovered psychologist, Susan David through a TED talk video. Through listening to her words, my brow furrowed … not in disagreement, but in wonder.

“When we push aside normal emotions
to embrace false positivity
we lose our capacity to develop skills
to deal with the world as it is
not as we wish it to be.”

As I listened to her words two, divergent, experiences came to mind.

One experience was when people would say, “you are always smiling,” with great delight in my (obviously) happy condition.

Another was a lady who would see me and say, “you’re smiling, but I think there is something else going on, on the inside.”

On the one hand I was disappointed that I was not truly being seen, and on the other I was disappointed that I was being seen clearly.

Though I will continue to smile through the tough stuff, it is imperative that we have people in our lives who allow us to drop our false positivity fronts. People who love us and want the reality of who we are … the good, the bad and the ugly. We all need people in our lives who give us the freedom and space to laugh our belly laughs, and weep our tears.

What I bet is that when we are living the dark and twisties in our lives, your smiling front meets my smiling front, and we are both feel alone. Both feeling that there is no one to be really real with. No one who understands disappointment, hurt or fears. No one to share the load, no one wipe our tears.

And so we smile brighter, so that we can hide our stress and disappointments and sorrows, creating a sort of hopeful utopia of our mind, rather than really living a real life … with all of the good and bad, struggle and sweetness.

Ms. David continues:

“I have had hundreds of people tell me what they don’t want to feel.
They say things like,
“I don’t want to try, because I don’t want to feel disappointed”
Or, “I just want this feeling to go away”.

“I understand, (I say to them) but you have dead people’s goals …

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life
you don’t get to have a meaningful career
or raise a family
or leave the world a better place
without stress and discomfort.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

If discomfort is, truly, the price of admission to a meaningful life,
and if we all desire a meaningful life (and we do),
we all need to embrace the reality that stress and discomfort are part of the package,

and it is worth it, because it is the only life we get to live, and to really live is to live authentically, acknowledging that it isn’t always easy, or pretty or happy, or good.

No more “dead people’s goals” of perfection and happy,
Lets just live this real life, with grace.
Giving others, and ourselves, the space to be real.

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