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Posts Tagged ‘#mommaguilt’

  
Just a few years ago she donned pink rubber boots, an Ariel the Mermaid bathing suit, and a Montreal Canadians toque on the hottest day of summer.

Today she dons the cap and gown of high school graduation.

My baby girl graduates tonight, completing a year of ‘last times’ with her peers.

As other moms and dads, I am feeling immense pride.

I have worked in her grade off and on since she and they were in grade 7. I heard the same rumours she did, I laughed at the same practical jokes as she, I understood the weight of mourning, as peers experienced divorce, moving away and death. When I attended concerts, plays, field trips, etc., I did so as a mom and as a staff.

I awoke the other day and wondered if she ever felt forgotten, as I have played two parts, worn two hats through her later school years. I’ve been a mom and a school staff member, working alongside of a couple of her peers.

She never seemed to mind, and even agreed to my attending her grad trip this year, as a staff. She has learned, over the years, the art of sharing me … a great accomplishment of kindergarten!

Even tonight I will be a staff, sitting with the staff, adjusting caps and gowns, taking pictures for friends, reminding them all to stand tall, telling them how proud I am of them all.

How does one turn one passion off, and another on?

The thing is, though, my passion for my daughter, has never been turned off, and she has never appeared to be bothered by my split attentions.

And that says more about her than of me, than how I raised her.

She is, and always has been, a fiercely independent one. Just this year, as she seemed to face roadblock after roadblock in her application to the one school, for the one program that she desired to attend, and she met each one with steel-willed determination, sending emails, making calls, jumping through hoops (sometimes the same one over and over again), and asking questions. Then it seemed forever to finally get notice that she got accepted. I am so proud of her!

In the fall she will begin her number one program, in her number one school, along with about thirty-three other students (out of ? applicants). I am so proud of her!

She drove, the other night to visit a close friend, and ask if he would like to attend her graduation. He and she have been friends throughout almost all of her school years. It never seemed to matter to her that there is over sixty years between them. I am so proud of how there is no barrier (age, religion, culture, gender, etc.) to friendship for her!

When she resigned, recently, from her first job, she did so with tears, as she felt so bad to leave them down one staff as their busy season had begun. I am so proud of how strongly she approaches her work responsibilities!

I am proud of her, so very proud of her.

Though my momma guilt is real, I don’t think I damaged her completely, as she is about to study to do the same work I do. So, someday in the future (in the very distant future), she too might be working in the same school as her kids, with split attentions.

When she first got serious about studying towards her SETA (special education learning assistant) certification, I worked hard to dissuade her, for I know what the financial remuneration is for this work. I know that, it is nearly impossible to support oneself on what is paid, and I was scared for her.

But here’s the thing, she is so gifted to work with people with special needs, and I have never met another who is so obviously called to do this job. She will be so much better at this job than I ever imagined to be.

I could not discourage a passion that was conceived in the mind of God, with a purpose far greater than I could ever dream.

And so I will cheer her on tonight, with all the mom pride within me.

 

 

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One of our kids desires to spend Christmas with extended family … on the opposite coast of the country. Although my momma heart wants all of my kids with me for Christmas, I also desire greatly for our kids to not miss out on opportunities to spend time living their own lives. I felt I had easily made peace with this desire, until the other day …

“I just don’t want to be here at Christmas”

Wanting to be away is one thing, but to not want to be here … ouch!

That very same day, another child returned from a weekend retreat with our church youth group. I was so excited to hear about his time away, until I heard his reply to my question about his time away …

“It was great! I just love being at camp so much better than being here

I felt the knuckle punch, hard, to my abs, my throat.

Ah, but it didn’t end there!

My daughter’s and I had a plan to go to the church that my eldest attends, but then she had to work later than planned. I suggested that, rather than leave her out, we could go to another church together, later in the day. Together was, in my mind, the joy. Well, child number three, when we got back home from church, was out of the vehicle and into her room, with her door shut, faster than I could lower my feet from the vehicle.

Apparently, it was not her church of choice, and not joy-filled.

I went to bed that night feeling rather low, unappreciated, unloved.

It was not that they were desiring bad things, but that they were desiring them … more.

more than me.

As I worked through the scar tissue, I realized what my problem was how I heard their words … I heard them through momma ears, where there are momma-sized regrets.

I heard their words of preference of another place, through my memories of saying no to things that they have wanted me to do with them, over the years. The times they wanted just one more story, the times they wanted to go to the park, or play a board or video game, or make cookies, or have a tea party, or go for coffee.

What I heard was my own condemnation, my own guilt, my own regrets.

Moms, we need to stop living the guilt-laden life. We need to stop looking back, with regret and sadness over our choices, mistakes and weaknesses. We need to live

today.

We need to look forward, not back.

Our children are moving forward, grabbing for life’s new adventures, and we need to cheer them on, and be thankful that they want to share the stories of their life with us.

In the days since my momma version of the horrible, terrible, no good, really bad day, I have been embraced by arms and words of love from my three. With each embrace I was reminded that their desire for other is not their method of punishing me. As a matter of fact, they have far more memories of things we did together than of times I said not today, just wait, or no.

They are not living their increasingly independent-of-me lives, as a punishment for my frailties. As a matter of fact, they are growing increasingly independent because they have had space to grow, to make their own mistakes, to experience their own successes, and then to share their stories with me … even if my ears are not always ready to hear them.

Moms, lets:

look forward

hear words as they are spoken (not as we imagine them)

receive their stories as a loving, healing balm to heal our momma guilt

love them,

imperfectly, but sincerely, love them.

 

 

 

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*Though written three years ago, Momma Guilt continues for this Momma … I bet it does for us all … and continues to the end of our Earthly lives.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was growing up. And this little girl had dreams, aspirations, hopes and goals for her future. She dreamed of one day getting married, having babies, and doing it all just like she has seen on TV.

Unfortunately, she was born in 1969, and the TV moms who she  had modeled for her … were perfect!

There was June Cleaver, who, other than the obscure name her son Beaver had … was perfect.

Then there was Marion Cunnigham, who was ALWAYS making homemade goodies, not only for HER kids, but for all their friends!

Then there was Clair Huxtable, she made the concept of working mom look so easy! And she even had her, always loving, obstetrician hubby, who did most of the cleaning and cooking!

Ah, and then Caroline Ingalls … that woman could fix a fence, mend a sock, and chase Laura all over the prairies, and still get an enormous homemade dinner on the table, with enough to feed the weary traveler!

And, finally, Jane Jetson … even in space-time animation June Cleaver lives … and in size 8 (I have worn size 8, by the way … it just had a ‘1’ in front of the ‘8’).

All of these women had the same things in common …

– they were all slim … I am green with envy

– they were all pretty … so much to aim for

– they all were perfectly accessorized … this is where my love of my (faux) pearls originated

– they always made their hubbys happy … sigh

– their kids always loved and appreciated them … momma guilt!

The other day, I found myself deep in the mires of MOMMA GUILT … ever been there, ladies?

It had been a busy week, with another busy week to come (and so on, and so on, and so on …). So, Saturday was full with a To Do list that had no hope of getting done.

While hubby was finishing up his sermon (because he had spent the week dealing with ‘immediate’ stuff), and hoping to get some yard work done, I was to take our son to a birthday party, and get a few errands completed.

I got very few of those errands done, as I decided to throw in ‘dress shopping’ … grrr! I had hoped that the few ounces I’ve lost would make that a more enjoyable process … NOT! I think what I would need to lose is the whole, freaking, left side of my body! But, I digress!

Then it was time to pick my son up from the party … and I was scrambling … because I was late … again!

When I got there I was pounced upon by son … ‘mom can so-and-so and I get together today?’ Now, I admit, I hate lack of planning, on a good day, but, when my To Do list is long, my brain cells cannot even begin to think about adding more to it! So, I said … ‘NO.’

And this is where momma guilt began … Not really, of course, because that is with me ALL the time! You see, I have this dream in my mind of getting the ‘Mom of the Year’ award … and I have had that annual award … on January 1, until 12:01am, when I blow it. But, I digress … again.

Lets just say the ride home was very quiet … and I felt it! When I did try to converse and soothe, I was met with ‘but Mom …’ And, my momma guilt let me feel the full weight of his sorrow. Not because his present sorrow was so valid, but because my momma guilt is so close to the surface for me when it comes to my son.

– I was home fully with my daughters … I started back to work before my son entered kindergarten.

– I taught my daughters how to cook, to sew, to read … my son, not so much.

– He is eleven, and I still haven’t taught him how to ride a bike 😦

– I have rarely gone on school field trips with him … his sisters … many!

– I rarely play any ball sports with him.

Wow! Can I wallow, or what? Suffice it to say, that on this particular day, EVERY violation, every failure, every fault I have ever made, in the life of my son, I remembered and felt. Also, suffice it to say, I threw my own pity party, lasting most of the entire day! And, my To Do list … not so much got done.

Once I had shed my guilt-ridden tears, went out on my own (that is the key … on my own) to get groceries, had a good dinner (thanks to the grocery store providing fresh bread and roast chicken), talked to my mom on the phone (I don’t need to tell her whats happening … just hearing her voice makes me feel better), and played a very neck-and-neck game of chess with my son … the day was seeming brighter.

It’s amazing how taking the time to see how his video game system works, and playing a game with him seems to help us to reconnect once again.

I know I will never get that elusive ‘Mom of the Year’ award, but the good night hug (that just about asphyxiated me), along with an eye to eye, ‘Mom, I love you so much,’ from my boy made my momma guilt fade …

Take that June Cleaver, Marion Cunningham, Caroline Ingalls, Clair Huxtable and yes, even you Jane Jetson!

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