itsawonderfilledlife

There is a time in a woman’s life when she develops greater understanding for those in the midst of adolescence, when bodies and minds and every relationship around them is experienced differently. It is confusing, there are a multitude of emotions, and their bodies are changing in both weird and wonderful ways.

And for the woman, it is called menopause.

Though most think of menopause as a time when menstrual cycles end, hot flashes begin and weight packs on (without the joy of extra chocolate), fries or other deliciousness, these are just the tip of the midlife iceberg of this second adolescence for women.

My own first experience was that of the cessation of menstruation … and it was pure joy! After a couple years of bleeding more than not, I purchased white pants and revelled in wearing them whenever I wanted! My mind was no longer led along by hormones and I felt like I was more me than I had ever been. My closest relationships became even better as I had the clarity and capacity to focus in new ways. I was looking forward to the days to come.

Then … 2 inch hairs would appear on my chin, seemingly from evening to morning. My muscles started aching … for no reason. My eyesight became confusing (do I squint or back up?). My Everready Bunny energy had hopped away. The filter that once ensured the I bite my tongue no longer existed. My skin was itchy … all the time. My sense of taste and smell changed … leaving me constantly wondering if I was the bad smell. The patience I once so appreciated within who I was was replaced by finger and toe tapping. Skin began … to move, downward. I began to feel … kinda anxious, where I had not, in years before.

But, even greater changes happened, my dad, my ‘person’ died. I was now the meat, cheese and lettuce in the sandwich of life. Beginning to become more support to my mum, while still having young adult ‘kids’ who depended on me too. I became disillusioned by a job I had loved for years, because the role was no longer that of a trusted professional, but instead that of one who did only as they were told. Then hubby had a professional and physical upheaval that grossly affected our whole family, in every way and (for awhile) I became a caregiver to the one my heart loved. No part of our lives stayed the same. Our social, relational and spiritual community was gone, our financial security toppled, and our kid’s understanding of people of faith disintegrated to dust. Our kids grew into adulthood and my role in those relationships changed too.

I didn’t know myself, was at the end of myself.

There was a loneliness within me that went deeper than I’d ever known. A purposelessness of life. A sense of failure. A wandering in the desert of my life. Feeling dried up … from the inside out. All of the if-thens that I had held onto in earlier years had shown themselves to be lies.

Words I had never known personally attached to me, words like failure, rejection, useless, confused, unlovable.

Though the life events may vary, my experience of this second adolescence is not new of uncommon. Oh we women expect to be awaken by tropical moments, but the hit to our self-confidence, our abilities, the changes that smack us in our work and employment and closest relationships … those are not book titles in the change of life section of the bookstore or online. And yet, those are the changes that can take the breath from our lungs, the joy from the days we have left.

The song, below … it just hit right where I needed it … maybe it will hit you at the right time, in the right place too.

Not everything changes in life, whether adolescence, or second adolescence …

“You remind me who I am
when I look in the mirror
and I’m not so sure“

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