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18517956_10155072239395590_9048810510230076221_oYou are the one that reminds me how old I am, how long since I could sleep late into the day, how long I have been called mama, mom, mummy.

You were the first that I whispered I love you, wondering how it was possible, if it was possible to love you as I did, as I do. You were the first to leave to go off to preschool, to sleepovers, to the other side of the county, to a little apartment in another town.

You are first that the still small voice whispered, keeps whispering, let her go because letting go is the only way to hold close.

You dare to be brave, leaping to save others in the deep end of a pool, in a group home, a home of recovering addicts, even in the parking lot of McDonalds with Narcan kit in hand.

You have both a love of the way things have always been done and a desire to do things differently, better. Your idealism makes my heart skip a beat, for it echos within me, and I remember how it can make you explode with energy and determination to make a difference, and I know that years can decrease that energy and deplete that determination like a balloon with a small leak.

People say you are my image bearer, but that is only skin deep. It is your dad who courses through your veins, and it is he who inspires you … it’s written all over that determination you have to change the lives of others, for the better. And that’s okay, because, like your dad, you are unselfish to your calling,

You make me think, you challenge me, you make me proud.

Though I am immensely proud of what you do, what you have done, I will always love you for who you are … body, mind and soul. That trinity of being that gives the most but also needs the most nourishment, time and care … please care for all three, for they (you) do not exist without them, together.

I love you, daughter of mine, and I wish you the sweetest of days to just be thankful for life and breath.

 

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IMG_4033It’s official! I no longer have any ‘children’, for my baby turns nineteen today.

But this is not about me 😉

You were and will always be my best surprise, just what our family needed most, but didn’t know it.

And now you turn nineteen, and in so many ways today signifies your independence, your autonomy as an adult, a man.

The thing is we don’t become adults by awakening to the day of our birth, we become adults by, as the Bible says, “putting childish things aside” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

When I think of you, of your birthday, I cannot help but think of how the past year was one of putting many childish things aside … not necessarily by choice.

In a year you have accepted the transition from high school as final, the understanding of what it is to work a job, pay rent and look after your own needs, but there were other circumstances that pushed you to choose to be an adult.

You have also experienced the unexpected death of a peer, moving from your childhood home, the loss of a church community and the illness of your dad.

Through these very real changes and struggles you have had to choose how you would respond, and it is through your responses to these changes that I have seen and admired your metamorphosis as you transition into adulthood.

The main thing you did was talk. You chose wise and caring people and you shared your inner burdens, rather than keep them inside.

You also acknowledged that there are some things you cannot control, and so you have to acknowledge limits to what you can do, for a person or within a circumstance.

You have shown compassion and care, irrespective of it being reciprocated.

My son, you have accomplished much this past year!

1 Corinthians 13:11 says,

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Then, along comes verse 12, and it is like the carrot before the cart, the incentive for hauling the, sometimes, heavy load (of adulthood):”

“For now we see in a mirror, darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.”

Each opportunity we have to choose adulthood (or not) leads us into a future where the pieces fit together, where the whys of life might be answered, where our past might make more sense.

So, young man, continue in your pursuit of adulthood, and, while you are heading in that direction, don’t forget to take joy along with you.

“The time has come to make a choice
And I choose joy

 

” ‘Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you’ is the greatest phrase ever written. If everyone followed that creed, this world would be a paradise.”
STAN LEE

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As our children grow we are constantly reminded of our own experiences and choices from when we were their age. Their life can be like a mirror into our past, illuminating all that has been good, bad and ugly in our lives.

Sometimes as I watch or listen I am reminded of the choices that I wish I had, or hadn’t, made when I was their age(s). I am reminded of attitudes I had, ways I dealt with people and of my priorities.

It all kind of makes one wish they could redo their past with the knowledge of the present. It also makes one with they could force their children to learn from our own mistakes.

Life doesn’t work that way.

The knowledge we have now has been learned, primarily, through the experience of living, making decisions (good and bad) and living with the consequences. We could not have the knowledge we do now, had we not had the freedom to error, the freedom to choose and our children are no different.

This includes our walk with God. Much of my relationship is sweet because of what he has loved me through … the sins, the lack of love for his word, the incorrigible attitudes, the heartbreaks. He has proved his love for me in how he has loved me despite my mistakes.

As parents the letting go of our children begins the moment we give birth, followed by a million small and big releases of our grip on our children, so that they can lead the lives that we have prepared them to live.

The lives they live, as adults, are out of our hands and that is the way it supposed to be, for we do not bring children into the world to be our clones, but to be individuals, experiencing all that life has to offer, with the hope that they will return to us and share what they have see and experienced.

In the many wedding ceremonies my hubby performed, I always heard him read these words,

“You are giving your children to life’s adventure, and not merely away from yourselves. This is what you raise your children for, to let them go their way. And in their going they come back again to share their discoveries and joys with you.”

I feel it is like our relationship with God. He loves us into existence, then he lets us choose whether or not we follow the guidelines he has established for us. It is in our choosing his way, his love, that we get to experience real living. It is though the freedom, he gives, to choose to love him that we learn what love is.

As parents we are left to stand by, helpless, for we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ, who whispers our hearts cries. This is our job, as parents of adult children, and what a privilege it is to lift them up to their heavenly Father, who loves them even more than we do.

“It is possible to give away
and become richer!
It is also possible to hold on too tightly
and lose everything.”
Proverbs 11:24 TLB

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IMG_4899.JPGIt was an evening of quiet, with clouds that were as sun-hiding as coastal fog.

Hubby had left to take our son and his friend to camp, where they will be working all summer.

Just the evening before, my family honored my request for a photo, by changing their schedules to make it happen. That’s what  families do … give and stretch for each other, even when it doesn’t make sense.

It was the last opportunity for all five of us to be in the house, and I wanted just one specific image. I am pretty sure they thought I had lost all sense of creativity, but they did it nonetheless (and I didn’t even have to pull out the “do you realize how difficult childbirth was” stories).

So that photo was taken (at the bottom of this page), then, the next day, our son walked out of his home of fourteen of his eighteen years for the last time.

Standing at my kitchen sink (my favourite place in the house), looking out into the back yard, the memories made in this home started to flood into my mind, and a realization that the opportunity to have memories promoted by this setting is coming to an end.

So I emerged from my window perch and wandered down memory lane.

When we entered this place our youngest couldn’t reach the light switch. He had to share a room with his sister, while the roof was added to the upper deck, to make a bedroom for him. He has had three different bedrooms in this house. We would often look to the back yard and see him use the back yard as a urinal (or his sisters would have him ‘water’ spiders). He learned to swim in our pool, just one week after we moved in. His favourite room in the house is the loft, where he and friends played various video games.

Back at the beginning, our oldest was ten, a competitive swimmer and eager to throw a party. She has thrown her share of parties, and utilized our pool for summer employment for a number of years. She has lived in an upper bedroom and in the basement suite. She was the first to leave our nest a year and a half ago. Her favourite place at our home … the pool.

Our middle daughter was only seven … just a little girl finishing grade one, swimming daily for the swim club, always angling to have a friend over and toting notebooks of scribbles and sketches. She has only ever had one bedroom in this house … the largest bedroom. She has been in school ever since we moved in and has had more friends over than all the rest of us (probably combined). Her favourite place at this place is her bedroom.

Our kids have grown up here, we all grew here, and in a few days we will move on to a new time and place, where stories and growth and laughter and tears will happen.

It was good to look back, and remember what we had here together.

 

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Screen Shot 2018-05-28 at 11.11.06 PMWe sat around the table, me and my three.

We ate, we laughed, we argued, the dog joined in with his moans and groans, we recalled moments and memories from days gone by … yet alive in our shared memories.

My heart heavy, and light. My eyes … my eyes wet looking at these three, my three.

It was an evening of reality, an evening of dreams … dreams I thought might never become real, concrete, alive.

As we sat, and ate, and talked. As tales were told, as laughter flowed, as frustrations boiled … boiled over all over, messy, tense … real. I felt alive in the moment, alive with these three, borne from me, real and blunt, harsh and gracious.

For I would rather this icky and sticky, this dark and twisty reality, than one fine and flawless, sleek and shiny show  … without any one of you.

I got what I asked for … and more.

One, one child to birth, one child to raise … was the dream back in the dust-covered past.

From my prayer, God blessed … and blessed … and blessed again.

I dreamed of real. Not perfect, polished and poised. I dreamed of sincerity … red hot, dented and sometimes stinky sincerity. I dreamed of this thing called community, family.

I dreamed of a life where the truth would be laid before them, not stuffed into them. Where the answers were not spoon-fed, but the tools to find them were at their finger-tips, that the instructions that we gave them were saturated in a love for them that could only come from the One who is love.

And as I crawled into bed, head and heart heavy with shared pain, shared struggle, shared life, I realized that I got what I dreamed of … the real thing, not a picture-perfect facsimile.

And that Jimmy Durante song played in my mind, as sleep surrounded me,

“Fairy tales can come true
it can happen to you …
and if you should survive
to a hundred and five
look at all you’ll derive
just by being alive.”

 

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Attachment-1Though their flowers are delicate, the Magnolia is a very hardy tree. It is believed, the Magnolia existed before bees, as it is pollinated by beetles. This stately tree represents long life, beauty, innocence, joy and good health.

Years ago I received a magnolia tree from my kids, on the first Mother’s Day gift at our present house. At the time, it stood about four feet tall. Now, as the image (above) shows, it has grown to over twelve feet in it’s present location.

As I took time, a few days ago, to appreciate it’s physical and scented beauty, my mind drifted over my stages of mothering, since it was lowered into it’s present earthen home.

Fourteen years ago, our three children were eleven, seven and four. We moved into this house with three children, toys, bedtimes and dreams.

We snuggled on the couch to watch animated movies, read stories at bedtimes, kissed ‘owies‘ to make them feel better, swam in the pool all summer long and rode sleds on the steep driveway in winter.

Those were beautiful years of mothering, for whatever nasties arose during the day were gone by bedtime. Of course they were also draining years, as the demand for mom was a constant (what mom has not marvelled at how her children can be seated with dad, yet they will yell to mom that they are hungry?).

Those beautiful years were followed by the years of increasing homework, school and community sports and clubs, sleep-overs, friendship stretches and struggles, playing kick the can in the streets and memorable family vacations.

Those were the years of two steps out and one back, growing into the local communities of neighbourhood, school and church, looking for affirmation from peers, yet still a strong need to return, to be held, to non-verbally ask to be reminded of their value in their mom’s eyes.

Then came the teen years into the twenties. These were (are) the independent years of becoming their own selves,  individuals, separate from their place and people of origin. Everything from relationships, to music, to clothing, to future plans screamed ‘I am an autonomous human being’ .

During these independent years their dad and I wondered if we might sever our tongues for biting them so frequently. They have also been the years when sometimes my job was just to listen (no advice sought, just a safe, listening ear). Sometimes I have also had to give a boost … like when they were still littles and needed a boost to start sledding down the snow-covered driveway. Sometimes the boost is just that age-old mom cheer of ‘you can do it‘. Sometimes the boost is one to say, ‘move on, from where you are’.

My beautiful magnolia tree, that gift from those who call me mom, mum, momma, has grown strong and tall, like my once littles. It has grown alongside my creations. And like it, they will continue to grow … their roots reaching into new soil. My prayer is that they would grow toward the light of life.

 

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In an effort to reduce what we need to pack and cart to a new home, I have determined to use up the products in our home, rather than keep purchasing more.

Into the recesses of my bathroom cabinet was solid bars of hand soap that has been gathering dust, simply because liquid hand soap is so much more convenient. easier. This act of stewardship has resulted in my realization that I actually love using the solid soap. It is more tactile, lasts longer and you never use more than you need.Screen Shot 2018-04-14 at 11.56.50 AM

This realization reminded me of words by CS Lewis (to the right).

I found myself reflecting on how liquid soap (comfort) is often how I live my life, as a mom. I want to help my kids to find what looks like the easier life (comfort). Yet, it is often the harder, effort-filled, negative-consequence-experienced reality (truth) where they (we) learn the best and most lasting lessons.

If they make mistakes and I rush in to ‘save’ them, to make their lives more comfortable, they will not have the opportunity to learn the truth found in, and through those mistakes.

After all the truth will set you free!  And that freedom is greater than any comfort that exists.

 

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The Olympic games in Korea have begun, and with them inspiring and heartwarming advertisements.

I have seen a few commercials made for this year’s Olympic games season, but it is still one from 2014 that grabs my attention, and heart. The commercial is for and by P&G called Thank You Mom (click the link to see … get your tissues ready), and it follows the lives of children who eventually become a skier, figure skater, snow boarder and hockey player.

After the stories of the four children to Olympians, through all of the attempts and failures, learning and injuries, each of the Olympians are successful in their respective sports and look to their moms, who have been with them from the beginning. The ad then finishes with these words on the screen:

1234

As a mom, at the end of parenting children (they are all adults), I sometimes find myself looking back and evaluating parenting decisions I made over the years. Sometimes I pat my back and sometimes …

I also look back at my life experience as a daughter, and the decisions, actions, love and consequences (good and bad, natural and enforced) that were part of my childhood.

Failing and falling, disappointments and discouragements, consequence … good and bad,  are part of every life. To stop trying after the downfall, tragic.

My parents did not soften the blows of life, nor did they ‘save’ me from the hard stuff. They were, though, always there for a hug and encouragement afterwards. I am so thankful to them for this.

Being a different generation of parent, I admit that I did sometimes step in and attempt to ‘save’ them. It is interesting to me, now, that it is in many of those times of ‘saving’ them that are the parenting actions that I regret most, for they lost the greater lesson of falling and of having to get back up again.

This lesson builds greater strength, perseverance and tenacity … things that not only Olympians need, for success in life.

 

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A couple of months ago I had an experience that made me realize that our kids are grown up.

I happened to check my phone in between classes, one afternoon, to see that I had a couple of voicemails, and a number of texts. As I am rarely that popular, I checked them further, only to realize that hubby was in hospital (but okay).

As I only had one class left, I opted to stay at work, and just leave a few minutes early, in order to avoid the crowded parking lot upon school dismissal.

Once in my vehicle, I made a quick call to one daughter, who informed me that she and her siblings had all been in contact with each other. She was headed to hang out with her brother, while her sister had gone straight to the hospital to be with their dad.

I arrived at the hospital to see that hubby was being well cared for by hospital staff, with his daughter at his side (and even a few church friends).

Once we got home, the kids had arranged to get hubby’s car home.

As I lay my head on my pillow that night I was a thankful woman. Thankful that hubby was sleeping beside me and thankful that our kids have moved beyond childhood and into independence.

This experience reminded me that they choose how to practise their independence as well as their sense of interdependence within our family care of, and for, each other. But this is not because of exceptional parenting … this is because they have chosen to act in such a way. For they are responsible for their actions … that is part of what growing up is all about.

I was also thankful that, though our parenting has not been flawless, they love each other and that leaves me thankful beyond words.

“In your love for your brothers (and sisters),
show tender affection toward one another.”
Romans 12:10

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biking

Since I recently admitted my physical out of shape condition in the post What Doesn’t Kill You, I thought I would share about the last time I was on a bike, fifteen years ago. Perhaps it will provide understanding as to what might have kept me off the (dreaded, uncomfortable) bike seat.

My kids were three (B), five (C) and ten (B2). It was a sunny Friday morning, and we were riding our bikes to school, as we were a one vehicle family.

Actually, it was my oldest daughter and I who were biking, the younger two were in a bike trailer, facing each other. On this particular ride, I was in the front, with C & B trailing behind and B2 picked up the end.

The pair in the trailer (C & B) seriously loved each other, they also fought like banshees.  Which is exactly what they were doing that morning.

We were barely half way to our destination of school, when the memorable situation occurred.

“Moooommmm, B hit me,” said C (with a whiny voice).

To which I replied (with motherly wisdom), “B, no hitting, please.”

It continued …

“Moooommmm, B hit me again.” This time with more whining, more pleading.

To which I replied (with restraint), “B, hitting is not acceptable.”

“Moooommmm, B hit me again.” Now with cries of pain.

This time, with no restraint whatsoever, (but much motherly frustration), “hit him back!”

To which B2 cried out, “Mom did you just tell her to him?”

Now, you need to know that, though C was quite able to get her brother (B) in trouble, she did not, does not, have a physically violent bone in her body. So if she were to hit him back it would be the equivalent of whipping someone with a wet noodle.

We continued on.

“Moooommmm, B hit me again.” 

This time I could barely hear her words, for the belly sobs coming from within C.

In total and complete frustration (and the secret wish within me that I was dropping off the two of them to school, along with their sister), I yelled back, “Hit him back, and make sure it hurts!

We did eventually get to school, and drop off their sister (who, no doubt, was shaking her head as she went into the school, having lost any respect for me as a mother that morning).

I am certain that I found a private spot, got off my bike and threatened B to never, EVER, hit his sister again.

And that was the last time I rode a bike …

until last weekend …

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