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Loving the Beast

Posted in FAMILY, life, Love, The Beast, WONDER, tagged #lovehurts, #loveissacrifice, #lovingthebeast, #moveintothehurting, #shiloh, #thebeast on May 26, 2016| 1 Comment »

10351802_10152855583535590_6673932177946581782_n Just over five years ago I introduced you to our beast.

My Loves – The Beast

She became a regular on this blog, as regular as the rest of our crazy family.

Over a year ago she started to tire more quickly, followed by tripping up the stairs, eventually reaching the point that required us to carry her outside to relieve herself.

In those months of deteriorating health, the beast taught our family some very important lessons on life.

Sacrifice

It began when the beast started slipping on our laminate floors. We needed to allow her onto our carpeted bedroom and living room, so that she would have spaces to share time with us. Hubby, generously, okayed that allowance (despite allergies to her fur). We carried her sixty pound frame outside, and cleaned feces from carpet as she lost the ability to control her bowls. Each sacrifice was accepted by all, not as a sacrifice, but an expression of commitment to her live, to the end.

Move in to the Hurting

As the beast’s ability to move reduced, she could no longer follow us throughout the house, so we moved towards her. As a family, we read, did homework, played video games and wrote sermons together in our living room. She no longer followed us, we came to her. We knew each day with her might be her last, and I think we all wanted to ensure that she was not alone.

Loving Hurts

As we awaited the end of her life, we hurt (even hubby, who used to use her as an example of sin in his sermons). There were memories and moments of our lives tied up in that eternally shedding beast. Our kids grew ten years older with her. She was one who made us feel frustration when she got out, unleashed, running through the neighbourhood with freedoms smile plastered on her face. She made us smile when she joyfully greeted us every time we entered the house. She gave us comfort, as she sat snuggly beside us, or entered our arms for a hug. She amused us with her ‘mean dog’ look … such an act for such a peaceful dog. She tugged at our heart strings when she would nearly dislocate our shoulder if she were to hear a child crying in the distance while out for a walk. Remembering how she added to our lives, made the sorrow of parting greater.

If you are not a dog or animal person, my words and emotions expressed might seem rather over the top. That’s okay, I have been there. But this experience of loving the beast has taught us much about loving people.

Love is sacrifice.

If we are going to truly love others, we are going to have to sacrifice.

Move in to the hurting.

When someone you love is hurting, go closer to them, not farther away.

Love hurts.

I think C. S. Lewis has said it best:

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Through it All

Posted in GOD, WONDER, tagged #horatiospafford, #itiswell, #kristenedimarco, #throughitall, blindeyedfaith, Faith, Trust on May 24, 2016| 6 Comments »

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What is it that can cause a man who has lost almost every earthly blessing to pen it is well?

My most favourite hymn of all time is the haunting story of the blind-eyed faith of Horatio Spafford’s It is Well.

No doubt the story of Spafford writing it, when crossing the Atlantic, at the place where his four daughters drowned (after previously losing his young son to death, and experiencing his financial ruin in the great Chicago Fire) only enhances the significance of it’s meaning.

When I am faced with life-shaking struggles, or mountain-high obstacles that seem impossibly unmovable, or when I just cannot seem to see what is around the next corner, I am confronted with the question,

can I still sing, it is well with?

And I do sing it, sometimes with expectant joy, more often through clenched teeth, robotic.

God does not ask for me (us) to be a mannequin-like worshipper, he wants my (our) gritty heart-broken soul. He wants me (us) to understand what faith is, “the confidence of what we hope for, the assurance of what we do not see” (Hebrews 1:1).

Following this definition of faith are reminders of the those who have lived with blind-eyed faith (Noah, Abraham, Moses, Rahab etc.). The chapter ends with these words:

“These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.” (Hebrews 1:39-40)

If we can have the confidence in our God, that he sees and knows what we do not. If we can hold to his promises, that he has something planned that we might not even live to see. If we can trust in his love for us, then it is well, with our souls.

Though the song below is not Spafford’s version, it holds that same blind-eyed assurance of his faithfulness to us.

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All the Days Ordained

Posted in WONDER, tagged Death, Friendship, Love, Mourning, Psalm 139 on May 18, 2016| 4 Comments »

Life carries on …

This was the prevailing thought as I left work today, heavy with the weight of grief in a world that does not cease to spin for anything or anyone.

A colleague for much of the past thirteen years died, after a brief battle with cancer. Though she has been missing from our hallowed halls since before the Christmas break, the finality of death leaves a unexpected shock in its wake.

We went to sleep last night knowing that our friend and co-worker was experiencing an other-worldly peace that passes understanding, and we awoke today to the everyday battles of work in a high school.

It wasn’t until the end of the day, when her family were prayed for at a staff meeting, that many of us realized that we had not yet begun to mourn.

And we mourn.

And we know that we will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

Late last August our staff reunited and dreamed of a new school year, none of us aware that one would cease to breathe life’s sweet breath before June’s final bell rang.

And so we grieve the death of our friend and colleague, we grieve for her family, but we also mourn for ourselves, as our knowledge in the fragility of life has been flashed before our eyes. We are not guaranteed four score and ten. We are only given right now.

On her “about” page on her blog (nodroppedstitches)she shared who she knew she was:

“I am the creation spoken about in Psalm 139:13 – 16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (NIV)

Our friend was not expected to live, from the moment she was born. Her health was fragile throughout her life, yet she lived to experience so much of what one might dream for … friendships, marriage, children, grandchildren, further education even up to a year ago and gardening through it all. Doctors through the years had hypothesized her end numerous times … but her days were written before her first breath, by the One who breathed life into her.

As is the same for each one of us.

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Patient Hope

Posted in FAMILY, The Kids, WONDER, tagged #dickinson, #janeausten, #theminiwheats, #wonder, Graduation, Hope, patience on May 6, 2016| Leave a Comment »

What a week our household ended April with! What a wonder-filled week!

The week began with our youngest daughter starting her final practicum, in her quest to complete her Special Education Teaching Assistant (SETA) course.

This time she is placed in a high school, even working with a couple of students who were actually born before her. Challenge is the key God uses, most often, to unlock our most hidden gifts. I pray she opens her door wide and shares her strength, building her character, and using it as a tool to open the locks on her the students she encounters.

Though she intends to continue her education, she will soon be unleashed from this program, certified to work with those students in the margins. Using what she has learned, and who God created her to be, to do her job. She will do her job so very well, for she has been gifted to see strengths in the weak.

I know she is eyeing freedom, desiring to share an apartment with friends, living her life independent from mom and dad.

Last Monday night I sat in a dark gymnasium, heart in my throat, as I anticipated the start of the high school play in which my son was acting.

The story, by George Orwell, called 1984, has been a time of stretching for my boy-man. My ‘baby boy’ traded in his sweet and affectionate nature for the pure evil of O’Brian. Each performance he had to get in touch with his carnal dark side … yelling, torturing, destroying.

A couple of weeks ago it was getting to him, greatly. The character of O’Brian was invading him, extinguishing the light with it’s smothering darkness. I prayed. I asked others to pray. Then, last week, the dark was being pushed out by the light.

The most heart-warming moment of the week was when, as I was chatting with a mom of another character, who I had not seen or spoken to in months. She asked how my son was, because, just days before, her daughter came home saying that they really needed to pray for him, because his character was getting to him. Is there any greater gift, for a parent, than to be told someone is praying for your child?

His efforts and the cost to him payed off in full, as he interpreted well Owell’s character. His (5) performances were believable and authentic. The entire cast depicted the evils of this story so well, and the entire cast, crew and director were as authentic in their support and care for each other.

He is now, once again, fully himself. O’Brien is gone, may his character be gone forever, may his lessons forever be remembered.

That week ended in an event centre, watching our eldest cross the stage, have her tassel moved from one side to another, receive a diploma, and pose for a picture.

That short walk was the culmination of six years of hard work … her hard work. I found myself hearing the song If it Hadn’t Been for You, from the musical, Anne of Green Gables, as her name was read to cross the stage.

It was she, who earned the double major (Sociology and Psychology) degree, by studying hard, writing mountains of papers, and working numerous jobs along the way, to pay for half of her schooling costs (the government of Canada helped with the rest … but this too falls in her lap).

As Miss Stacey said, “why she did it herself, with imagination and determination”

I hold on to a fair measure of parent guilt, for encouraging her to pursue education at such an expensive university, and having little to contribute to it’s costs. Though I do know she received a wonderful education, by the relationships she has made, and will continue to have with her profs, who educated, encouraged, challenged and cared for my girl.

The world is now an open book to her. She is well on her way, making plans for the future, her future. Her plans, though not solidified, are to move away. This makes my heart ache, and soar all at the same time. For “hope is the thing with feathers” (Dickinson).

These are the memories of that wonder-filled week. That week that was the culmination of much patience, for each of my children. The practise of patience will continue, throughout our lives. May my three have the patience to pursue what they hope for, all the days of their lives.

Romans-8.25

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Let Our Words be True

Posted in WONDER, tagged #ephesians4:15, #letyourwordsbetrue, Love on April 14, 2016| Leave a Comment »

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I have the best job in the world, I get to help students learn. At least, that is what I am paid to do.

Most days, if I keep my mind open, I am the one who does the learning, and it is the students who do the teaching.

A couple of weeks ago, while going over the characters in a novel, I looked across the table at the young man I was working with. A young man I have known since he was very young. A young man who lives with the struggles of having a diagnosis that is written clearly all over his face. As I looked at him, I felt the strength of his character, his faith, his compassion.

I smiled.

He smiled back.

I said, “I like you.”

He smiled bigger, and said, “I love you.”

My heart broke …

for he reminded, no, he taught me something,

let your words be true.

You see, what I meant in my heart, when I looked at him, was I love you. Not in some creepy way, but in a true, pure heart, I would do anything for him way (at least, I hope that is what I would do).

But I was inhibited, in ‘paid to work’ mode, where saying ‘I love you’ is awkward and inappropriate.

He, though, always says what is true. Oh, he can be a cheeky monkey, teasing and fooling around with the best of them, but he does not understand the world in terms of what is appropriate or compartmentalization, he lets his words be true … all the time.

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Ephesians 4:15

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Letting it all Hang Out

Posted in WONDER, tagged #kingdavid, #lettingitallhangout, #psalm51, laundry on April 12, 2016| Leave a Comment »

Back as the spring was warming up, one of my daughters commissioned her dad to hang a rope from our deck to a great big tree. Soon after, the ages old practice of hanging her clothes on the line, began.

After seeing her take clothes off the line with a folded crease, down the middle, from where she had hung them, I purchased clothes pins for her use.

Once school and work were done, and summer break began, I joined her in her environmental exercise of hanging clothes on the line. My participation was more selfish … I did not want to use a heat-producing appliance in the summer heat.

As my habit began to form, I grew to love hanging out clothes out on the rope, even with the dollar store pins that snapped apart frequently. Though the clothes came in less soft, and with more wrinkles, they also smelled heavenly fresh, and my whites sparkled after experiencing the natural bleaching power of the sun.

I did have inner turmoil about … unmentionables. Would I hang them, for all the world to see (or the families who came to our pool for swim lessons with my daughter)? My uncertainty faded and soon I was letting it all hang out.

One day, while reaching up to pin a piece of clothing to our rope, I thought about how joyful I was to hang my dirty laundry, holes and all. I thought how I am not at all joyful about hanging metaphorical laundry for all to see. I prefer to take care of that in the privacy of my home, behind closed doors.

This is how our modern, self sufficient, independent, outward focused world works, and we expect that even the tough stuff of life can be dealt with on the speed cycle, folded and placed back in our closet without even our closest neighbour catching sight of our stains.

The Bible is full of sin-stained people, and it is through them that God reminds us of our human need of cleansing.

In Psalm 51, after Nathan has confronted David over the dirty Bathsheba affair, King David dumps his dirty laundry at the feet of God.

David was aware that his dirty laundry was now in view of the kingdom, and of the greatest king. It was the publicity of his sins that brought him to his knees in humility. From that vantage point, his sin stained laundry could be bleached spotless.

To read this Psalm is to recognize the therapeutic benefits of hanging ones laundry out on a clothesline, and once dried in the wind and sun, to retrieve what was pinned there, only better and brighter.

“Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I’ve been;
my sins are staring me down.
You’re the One I’ve violated, and you’ve seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I’ve been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you’re after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean,
scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don’t look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don’t throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I’ll let loose with your praise.
Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.
Make Zion the place you delight in,
repair Jerusalem’s broken-down walls.
Then you’ll get real worship from us,
acts of worship small and large,
Including all the bulls
they can heave onto your altar!”

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Bob Marley reminded me of Biblical Truth

Posted in WONDER, tagged #bobmarley, #donotworry, #everylittlething, #sermononthemount, #threelittlebirds on April 7, 2016| Leave a Comment »

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Driving down the road I felt that burden every momma feels at times … worry for her child.

The situation was not one of life or death, but, my momma heart was heavy with concern for my child.

After leaving my child, I prayed a brief prayer, and flipped on the radio. The DJ introduced the next song as the perfect song for such a beautiful, warm spring day. Then I heard the first words:

“Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright”

Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMZGOnFer4k) had me captivated for it’s entire four plus minutes. The longer I listened, the louder I heard the words of Jesus as he spoke his Sermon on the Mount.

“I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:25-26

When the song was over, I was empowered by the truth that Mr. Marley’s words reminded me of. I felt as though I had been comforted by Biblical truth, with an Islands flair.

All of my children are so loved and valued by their mom, but they are even more valuable to Christ. To Him, all of my children, all of HIS children are more valuable to Him than any other of His creations, and he constantly reminds us to not worry.

As you go about this day, listen for the …

“three little birds,
singin’ sweet songs
of melodies pure and true,
saying’, (“This is my message to you”)
singing’ “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be alright.”

Things might not turn out the way I want, but God loves my child more, and that does a momma heart good, ’cause every little thing gonna be alright.

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The Handiwork of God

Posted in WONDER, tagged #handiworkofgod, Birthday on April 5, 2016| 5 Comments »

Good morning baby girl, it’s your birthday.

You were born on a brilliantly sunny and warm spring day, in North Vancouver, the hospital framed by magnolia trees heavy with blossoms.

Your birthday and magnolia blossoms always go together in my mind.

Speaking of magnolia blossoms, did you know that scientists believe that magnolia trees existed before bees? They believe that pollination occurred with the assistance of beetles. They were first noted in writing in the early 1700s. That is quite a history.

More importantly than their past (I believe) is their present. They are so beautiful, delicate, yet firm. Shades of pinks, purples, pearly whites and even yellows. And a delicate, unique scent that no perfume has yet to duplicate.

You, as well, are beautiful, unique, colourful.

You, as well, were known generations ago, before bees … even before the world began.

In the mind of God every detail of who you are was crafted to be delicate, yet firm. Every detail planned, every quality hand-grafted to your soul.

Ephesians 2:10 tells us:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Baby girl, YOU are God’s handiwork, not just a cellular mass of the genetic material combination of your dad and I. You are a handcrafted piece of art, formed by the hand of a creator who loves you, a love beyond any human love. A love that has been proved not just by words, but by action, by sacrifice.

You have a purpose, to do good works. Not just a job that pays you money, so that you can survive, but a purpose that goes beyond even your own life. Your purpose is always to love others, as Christ loves, and by doing so you will reflect the image of the one who made you.

So, today, open your presents, eat your cake, celebrate this new year of life and breath. Know that you are so very loved.

Know too, that you have existed in the mind of God since the beginning of time … and He has a plan and purpose for you, beyond anything your dad and I could ever dream.

Love you!

Mom

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” … and then came baby Jesus”

Posted in WONDER, tagged #andthencamebabyjesus, #annlamont, #christinarossetti, #lightindarkness, #merrychristmas, #wendellberry, christmas, Jesus on December 24, 2015| Leave a Comment »

“It gets darker and darker and then came baby Jesus.”

Ann Lamont shared the words, above, spoken in her presence by poet and author, Wendell Berry. It was a dark and stormy December day.

Today is a rather dark day, as the sound of rain falling interrupts the Christmas music playing in our house. Or is the music interrupting the rain falling?

In our world there is much darkness, much hatred, much too little peace … too little peace on Earth.

Darkness is the backdrop of our world and our lives, today, as it was that first Christmas, when love and light came to us in the form of baby. The innocence of a helpless, dependent baby, in the arms of his mother, who he came to save.

Delivered in the arms of a world, who he came to save, to redeem.

And, as a helpless babe, he was entrusted to a dark dark world. A world given the choice to love him, or reject him. To embrace him, or abandon him.

But, this celebration of Christmas is about how the light of that helpless babe still shines.

It shines in his birth foretold so long before fulfilled.

It shines in the Christmas story fulfilling the prophesy.

It shines in you and me, those of us who claim his redemption, who live illuminated by his love within us.

Merry Christmas is not a message for red cupped retailers, or turkey dinners or reindeers with lit noses.

Merry Christmas is the message of the word, become flesh, in the form of a baby, arms stretched open towards all of humanity, giving light to a dark world.

“CHRISTMAS hath darkness
Brighter than the blazing noon,
Christmas hath a chillness
Warmer than the heat of June,
Christmas hath a beauty
Lovelier than the world can show:
For Christmas bringeth Jesus,
Brought for us so low.

Earth, strike up your music,
Birds that sing and bells that ring;
Heaven hath answering music
For all Angels soon to sing:
Earth, put on your whitest
Bridal robe of spotless snow:
For Christmas bringeth Jesus,
Brought for us so low.”

Christina Rossetti

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Thankful for Life

Posted in WONDER on October 10, 2015| 2 Comments »

Sixteen years ago, on a cool Thanksgiving Sunday morning, I pushed and you emerged, as we were physically separated … by life.

Today we celebrate you, your life. Though you are are a gifted young man, we do not celebrate because of what you have done, we do not even celebrate because of what you will do. We simply celebrate that you are, that you live, that you have life.

As the youngest in the family, you are like the caboose that leaves every station last, that feels the twists and the turns with the greatest force, that enters every town after all the rest. It was after you grew too big that the onesies in the nursery cupboard were put away, after you viewed and smudged the picture books, they were handed down to younger ones, soon you will be the last to use the coveted ‘L’ as you sit behind the wheel and learn how to drive … no longer to be sanctioned to the passenger seat.

The life you have goes beyond air filling your lungs, blood circulating through your veins, and the thoughts that go through your brain. The life you have is not simply about physical living (though that is such a beautiful miracle), but the soul within you that makes you you, that makes you His.

That most inner place, created in the inmost place, the place where The spirit of God dwells. It is there that your life begins to take shape.

Ben, I love your life, and the gift you are to our family. I love how you wonder about deep and meaningful things. I love watching you act on stage, play a video game, sketch at your desk, or when you try so hard to cram decades of DC and Marvel history into my archaic brain. I love that you seek wise counsel from men in your life, and that you love the souls of others, and your desire for them to follow God.

I love your camp. It is where you get filled and where you can feed others. And like that day sixteen years ago, each summer we get physically separated … by life … But it is SO good.

And there is so much more to come! (Or, as your dad would say, “the best is yet to come”)

When I was expecting you, there was a verse in a wall in our house, that I read daily, in contemplation of your life:

“they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 31:40

May you wait on the Lord, depending on Him, every day of your life.

With love to the moon … and back,

Mom

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