Miscarriage | itsawonderfilledlife

Posts Tagged ‘Miscarriage’

How to Care for Couples Who Walk the Miscarriage Road

Posted in WONDER, tagged caring for couples, Daddy Deliberations, guest post, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, Ryan Janzi on March 21, 2013| Leave a Comment »

As I was sending a note to my friend, Ryan Janzi, to let him know that I was planning to add a link to a post he had written recently, Ryan was sending me a similarly themed post.

I want to share Ryan’s post on caring for those couples in our lives who have experienced the loss that miscarriage presents.

It is a loss that only those who have experienced it can fully relate to and understand.

Being one who is part of this undesirable club, I can attest to many similar experiences that Ryan relates in his post.

Even if it is not an experience that you share, read it, as it will better prepare you to respond to someone in your life who will be walking this road.

Opening Up About Miscarriage: How to Care For Couples Who Walk this Road

“In my last post I mentioned what a shame it is that so little is said in our society regarding miscarriage. It tends to be a taboo subject experienced by so many, but publicly addressed by so few. Why should countless couples cry in silence, not knowing and being strengthened by the many similar stories of their family and friends? In my opinion we need to begin talking with others about these experiences. This silence ought to be broken.

Now, let me be clear. In the first weeks and months following a miscarriage, it makes sense that this grief should be kept relatively private. As my wife and I walked through our three miscarriages, the last thing we wanted was to be conversing with everyone we knew about this challenge we were facing. I’m sure this would have been emotionally exhausting. You simply don’t want to have to relate on such a deep of a level with anyone other than your closest family and friends. However, I also don’t think it should be kept too private. You do need those few people who will cry and pray with you and extend support in other meaningful ways. Keep it private, but not too private.”

To continue reading, click on Opening Up About Miscarriage-How to Care For Couples Who Walk this Road. It will be well worth the read.

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The Club You Don’t Want to Join

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Advice, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, The Club, The Club you do not Want to Join on January 17, 2012| 1 Comment »

Women who have had the misfortune of pregnancy loss are part of a club that no one wants to be part of. It doesn’t matter how the loss has occurred, or how far along the pregnancy had gotten, you are in the club.

As I spoke with a friend who had recently re-joined (aka. she had just had ANOTHER pregnancy loss) this unfortunate club, the losses of my hubby and I came clearly to my mind. And that is what happens, as the sorrows and sadness are shared with you, your own memories come to the forefront of your mind, as fresh as they were when they first were formed. What is happening is that the trauma of your own loss has imprinted itself so firmly into your memory that, if recalled, it can be relived once again.

I do not like that resurfacing … it haunts me, and it hurts.

While talking with this lovely lady, whose heart is full of grief (again) I was struck by the uneducated responses that women (and men) sometimes hear at times like this.

-“You are still young, it will happen”
-“I understand how you feel”
-“It’s probably for the best, who knows what might have been wrong with it”
-“At least you were not that far along”
-“Just try again”
-“You can always adopt”
-“Is there something wrong with your reproductive system?”

Oh yes, those are actual quotes of what people have said to myself, or to others in the club. They are said by people who have had the blessing of not being in this club. That is why, for those who have had more than one loss, when it happens again, we club members contact someone else who is in the club, and keep multiple losses silent to the rest of you.

To talk with someone else, in the club, means to speak to someone who will not give advice, but who will give an ear, a hug, a well understood sigh, and will share in the common experience.

My purpose in writing this post is to give those of you who are not in this club some advice:

-Do not give advice!
-Do not say ‘hopeful’ and trite things.
-Do not avoid the couple … make eye contact; smile; send a note or email that just says ‘thinking of you’ or ‘you are in my prayers’ or ‘my heart aches for you’

And, if you are part of this club, let them know … because it is only those who are part of this club who have the closest understanding of what they might be going through … and they need you.

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Treasures in Heaven

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, The Kids, tagged Life, Memories, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, Treasures in Heaven on July 4, 2011| 1 Comment »

I have written a number of times about our pregnancy losses. The responses I have received to them, have indicated how very common, how very painful and how very life-changing they are on those who share such experiences.

Truly, to have experienced the loss of a yet to be born child can leave a permanent imprint on the hearts of those who loved that child even before he or she took it’s first breath.

Today, July 4, is the 20th anniversary, of the due date of our first child. One who died, in utero, around sixteen to eighteen weeks gestation. I admit that this date has rarely, except on the actual due date, had any significance for me. The date that I have more commonly remembered is January 21. And this past years anniversary was particularly significant.

For those who have experienced loss, any loss, the anniversary of that loss can be felt in many different degrees. Some years the date passes, and it is not until the day later, or even weeks later, that the significance of that date is remembered. Other years you remember it every moment of that day, and the days, and even weeks, surrounding the date.

This year was a little of both.

It was Thursday, January 20, and my family was having a jovial, sarcastic, humorous dinner together (in other words … a ‘normal’ dinnertime). As we were laughing, eating, re-creating the events of the day and sharing plans for the day to come, I stated “I can’t wait for tomorrow, I get to go to chapel!” You see I work in a Christian high school, and every Friday morning our school has ‘chapel’. I enjoy chapel, but I have not ever said that I was eager to go, so it was a rather odd statement for me to make.

The next day, Friday, January 21, I filed into the gym, with about five hundred other staff and students, as well as parents. I was feeling pretty good that day. Eager for a good work day, and for a time of school community worship.

The music began, and it was okay … nothing ‘wow’ish’, but it was good.

Following the worship time, and a few announcements, the speaker for the morning was introduced, a local pastor. I didn’t know him, had no connection to him. He started with prayer, and then addressed the scriptural reference point that he would be focusing on as he spoke … Matthew 6:19-24

… and my heart stopped

… and my palms became wet

… and my throat became so dry

… and my mind raced … what is today’s date?

… and I remembered …

… and tears fell against my will.

The reason for the emotional and physical reactions to the mention, and then reading of that scripture is that one night, as I slept, after the loss of our first child, I had a dream. The dream was of a man, I do not remember what he looked like, but I knew, with everything within me, that it was Jesus. And, in the dream, I handed a baby to Him … our baby. And Jesus looked into the wrapped up child, and His eyes were riveted to the tiny babe, and He smiled … that wonder-filled smile that we all smile, when we gaze into the face of creation. And then He looked at me, with such love, such compassion, such comfort, and He said “I will take care of your treasure for you, until you return. While you have this treasure, with me, in heaven, your heart will be here too.”

And, the dream was over.

And I opened my Bible, and found the passage, Matthew 6:19-21. And I knew that God had given me the confidence of His care for our child, and the promise that we would one day meet, and the comfort of knowing that our child was in even better hands, in heaven, than he or she would ever have on earth (even though we loved that child so much).

And that, for all of my days, I would live my life with my heart focused on the treasures that await me in heaven. And that our three earthly children would grow up knowing that as much as we, their parents, love them … God, in heaven loves them even more.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,

where moths and vermin destroy,

and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,

where moths and vermin do not destroy,

and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-21

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