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My Daughter is Twenty-One!

Posted in WONDER, tagged adult, content, expectation of joy, fulfilled, Hebrews 11:1, Hope, Love you Forever, my daughter is twenty one, Parenting, Robert Munsch on October 23, 2013| 3 Comments »

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My daughter turns twenty-one today …

I have a daughter who turns twenty-one today?????

How could this be?

I am barely forty (with four years experience)!

For me, turning twenty-one means truly being an adult. Although you could legally vote and drink alcohol (hopefully not at the same time) when you turned nineteen, it is twenty-one that is the age that sounds like you are no longer ‘trying out’ adulthood, but you have arrived.

20863_446617465589_882999_n Speaking of having arrived, what a gift your arrival was to your dad and I, twenty-one years ago. For days and weeks (and yes, even now) I would look at you, staring into the deep blue pools of your eyes, amazed that you came from me, amazed …

Your safe arrival into our arms and lives was a symbol of hope that two years earlier seemed far away …

… symbols of hope have a way of doing that.

Speaking of hope, that is my message to you on this, your twenty first birthday.

14638_234749120589_7649780_n According to http://www.freedictionary.com, to hope is “to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.”

I would alter the definition to say :

hope is the expectation of joy, and that expectation brings an unexpected joy even before the hope is fulfilled

And, when the doctor lay your wet, newborn body in my arms, our hopes were fulfilled.

Speaking of fulfilled, that is what I feel in having you as my oldest daughter … fulfilled. I remember well the Thanksgiving in 1995, when I was confronted with the very real reality that there might not be any more Mini Wheats ( 😉 ) in our family. I remember being confronted with the question, “can I be content in being mom to one?” My dear, there was no delay in responding my joyful, “yes.”

yes … I am content 18170_297599940589_370778_n
yes … I am fulfilled
yes … I have joy

My thanksgiving for you is endless, never-ending.

And speaking of never-ending, my love for you is never-ending, unconditional, and it goes with you, wherever you may go, and whatever you might do with your life.

You have the joy, of the expectation, that you are stuck with me … whether you like it or not.

I will love you, forever.

But, as you already know, and have had the joy that comes with expectation, with hope …

My love for you, any human’s love for you, will never provide the joy, the hope, that Christ provides. It is in Him that we can have “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

What a great hope we have! Now lets celebrate with joy of what is expected 😉

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“My hope is built on nothingless
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus’ name”

Cornerstone

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This Side of Heaven

Posted in WONDER, tagged Children, deidra riggs, Faith, jumping tandem, Parenting, the fullness of our faith, this side of heaven on September 8, 2013| Leave a Comment »

The guest post today is written by Deidra Riggs, whose blog Jumping Tandem is where I read this post that I want to share with you.

Deidra describes her blog as “a company, or a ministry, or a project, and this blog is where it all got started. I write about life as I see it. Most of the time, I’m just trying to figure it out. But always, I’m saving a place at the table for you.”

She is a mom, wife, dog owner, writer, speaker and event planner.

In the post I am sharing here today, which she calls “The Fullness of Our Faith“, Deidra speaks to my mother heart. I get her, where she is coming from, and I think that you will too.

“Where do you think he is, spiritually?” she asks me.

We are vacationing together, and we’ve decided on fried rice, egg rolls, and stir-fried deliciousness for dinner. We sit in the restaurant, our plates half empty, the sun inching its way toward the horizon. She is asking me about my son.

No one asks these questions about my daughter.

If I’m not careful, I fall into the very same trap. I look at my daughter, a youth pastor at a gigantic church on the east coast, and I don’t think twice about “where her heart is.” On the other hand, Christmas Eve may be the last time my son went to church.

You’d think you could figure out a thing like this, simply by looking at a person’s life.

In the restaurant, I give a long-winded answer. I tell the questioner about David Kinnaman’s research regarding people the age of my children — 18-29 year olds, raised in church, but more than half of whom have decided church is no longer the place for them. I’m telling her about nomads, prodigals, and exiles when my husband says, “But what’s your answer?”

My husband always sees right through me.

“He believes in Jesus,” I say. All I really needed to say was those four words. Why had I said so much?

We finish dinner and pay our bill. We climb into the SUV and we make a few more stops along the way to our resting place for the night. And all of it still niggles at me.

“It must be hard to be a parent,” my son said to me one day last summer.

My mind was spinning, trying to figure out, of all the difficult elements of parenting, which one was front and center in his mind.

“Why do you say that?” I asked him.

“Well,” he began, “I imagine you have this kid, and right from the beginning you have hopes and dreams for how that kid will live his life. But the kid grows up, and that kid has a mind of his own, and he ends up doing his own thing and living life his own way. And it’s not anything like what you imagined.”

I remember being speechless.

“That must be hard,” he’d said into the space between us.

I remember that conversation with my son as I sit in the SUV, with our vacation companion. I think about my daughter, and about all the ways we each are still growing up. How we never really reach the fullness of our faith this side of heaven, I don’t think.”

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Things Not to Say To A Parent of A Child With Disabilities

Posted in WONDER, tagged Advice, nopointsfor style.com, Parenting, Special Needs, things not to say to a parent of a child with disabilities, trite on August 18, 2013| 8 Comments »

I have to say, I fully understand the feeling of speechlessness when speaking to a parent who has a child with a disability. I also have to admit that in my lack of ability to know what to say, I have fallen back into the use of trite, thoughtless responses.

When I read this post, by a lady I do not know, and whose blog I had never read, I heard the heart cry of many parents I have known, over the years, who have been forced to be captive audience to the things we have said to them. The things that, although not intended to be hurtful, they echo in the hearts of those mere human parents for days, weeks, and even years to come.

Adrienne Jones and hubby Brian, live with their family of three sons and one daughter, in Albuquerque, NM. Their youngest child, Carter, lives with special needs that keep their family on their toes.

It is the raising of Carter that, I feel, gives her the right to speak to us today, in her post Dear People Who Do Not Have a Child With Disabilities. Please click on the link, and read her story at her blog site.

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A Father’s Teaching

Posted in WONDER, tagged Children, example, James 5:16, modeling, Parenting, Proverbs 4, rich teaching, wisdom on April 2, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Months ago, I was reading Proverbs 4, and I was struck by the rich teaching in that one chapter.

This weekend I viewed a video called, “When I Became a Man” and I thought the two went together so well.

Below you will find the video, followed by the passage from Proverbs.

May we, as parents (not just father to son, but simply parent to child) provide good teaching, good modeling, to our children of how to live. And if you or I have grown up with a parent who provided a poor example of what it is to become a man (or a woman), may we have the wisdom to know that we still have the choice, to live differently!

“Confess, pray and heal my heart.”
James 5:16

“Pick up the gospel,
and put the toys away!”

“4 O sons, hear the teaching of a father. Listen so you may get understanding. ²For I give you good teaching. Do not turn away from it. ³When I was a much loved and only son of my mother and father, ⁴he taught me, saying, “Hold my words close to your heart. Keep my teachings and live. ⁵Get wisdom and understanding. Do not forget or turn away from the words of my mouth. ⁶Do not leave her alone, and she will keep you safe. Love her, and she will watch over you. ⁷The beginning of wisdom is: Get wisdom! And with all you have gotten, get understanding. ⁸Honor her and she will honor you. She will honor you if you hold her to your heart. ⁹She will put on your head a crown of loving-favor and beauty.”

¹⁰Hear, my son, and receive my sayings, and the years of your life will be many. ¹¹I have taught you in the way of wisdom. I have led you on the right paths. ¹²When you walk, your steps will not be stopped. If you run, you will not trip. ¹³Take hold of teaching. Do not let go. Watch over her, for she is your life. ¹⁴Do not go on the path of the sinful. Do not walk in the way of bad men. ¹⁵Stay away from it. Do not pass by it. Turn from it, and pass on. ¹⁶For they cannot sleep unless they do wrong. They are robbed of sleep unless they make someone fall. ¹⁷For they eat the bread of sin, and drink the wine of wrong-doing. ¹⁸But the way of those who are right is like the early morning light. It shines brighter and brighter until the perfect day. ¹⁹The way of the sinful is like darkness. They do not know what they trip over.

²⁰My son, listen to my words. Turn your ear to my sayings. ²¹Do not let them leave your eyes. Keep them in the center of your heart. ²²For they are life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. ²³Keep your heart pure for out of it are the important things of life. ²⁴Put false speaking away from you. Put bad talk far from you. ²⁵Let your eyes look straight in front of you, and keep looking at what is in front of you. ²⁶Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be sure. ²⁷Do not turn to the right or to the left. Turn your foot away from sin.”

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Raising a Son

Posted in The Kids, WONDER, tagged Adolescence, bad guy, bite your tongue, emotions, gift from God, males, Parenting, raising a son, Remember on November 22, 2012| Leave a Comment »

First there were the girls …

Having daughters scared the life out of me! I grew up as the only sister to two younger brothers. Hubby grew up as the brother to an older brother. I figured that neither one of us knew a thing about raising girls.

Then we had a son, and I figured that raising a son would be a breeze! We both grew up in male dominated households. Also, I work primarily with teen boys, and prefer that reality to working with teen girls much of the time, as they are so honest, and there is so much less guesswork with what they are thinking. For another, ‘they say’ that boys are easier than girls …

I have to admit that in my arrogance, I felt that if I had co-raised two daughters who seem rather well adjusted (only future counseling will reveal the truth of that) a son would be a walk in the park. After all he was just the best baby a mother could ever hope for, and so thoughtful and kind to his mother, surely adolescence would be flawless … right?

I have come to the conclusion that males do have emotions, and that there are times when the floodgates of sorrow, injustice, and anger flow over their banks and cause chaos and catastrophe for all around. Not only are they emotional, but they are also louder at being emotional! Their highs are higher and their lows lower. Plus they speak a language, complete with unique meaning and understanding of what they are saying, that my ears and mind can not comprehend.

In the past few months I feel as though I have been the ‘bad guy’ more than not …. and I am not even a GUY!

The surprising part of this is that when our son was born, I was often heard to say, “God gave me a son so that, when the girls are older, and don’t want to talk to me, I will always have a son who will adore me.” I was so wrong!

Sometimes it seems as though he is actually trying to pick a fight with me, and I am certain that I am at risk of severing my tongue from biting it so often.

But then we have a moment, a time when we can laugh together (over my singing loudly while wearing his headphones), a time when he believes again that he can trust me, a time when he understands that I am offering him mercy, and a second chance … it is then that we make eye contact, and I am reminded of the frightening nine months of praying us through the pregnancy, of my hopes and dreams for him, of the gift from God that he is to me … and the rest just doesn’t matter …

I also think about how one day, he will have a child just like him … and I smile even more!

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Technology and Parenting

Posted in FAMILY, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged cell phones, communication, dial up, facebook, google, My Blackberry is not working, One Ronnie, Parenting, technology, texting, Urban Dictionary, Wii, Youtube on September 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »

It is said that parenting has been made more difficult with the rapid advancements in technology and the effects of social media on our children. Certainly that can be the case.

For those of us who are parents of teens, it is nearly impossible to keep up with what is new, what is hip, what our kids are in to.

There is nothing more eye opening for me, as a parent, of how much more quickly the world is changing now, compared to when I was a kid, than explaining to my three kids (ages thirteen, fifteen and twenty):

‘dial up’ … that was the norm only about ten years ago.
life without laptops and cell phones … hubby had his first of each about the year our fifteen year old was born (according to Reuters, May 2012, nearly one quarter of American homes have ditched landlines for cell phones)
life without i Pods or MP3 players … none of which existed until after our fifteen year old was born (over 300 million i Pods sold)
Google was an infant when our thirteen year old was born … it was launched just a month before his birth (it receives almost 1 billion views each month)
life without YouTube … it did not appear until 2005 (it’s most watched video, “Charlie Bit My Finger” received almost 500 million views alone)

Facebook has only been around since 2006 … my children were seven, nine and fourteen when it became available to all with an email address (now about 955 million users)

The world certainly has changed, and it is not stopping. We have a choice, as parents, we can either bury our graying heads in the sand and pretend that it doesn’t affect us OR we can do our best to understand the world which our children are immersed in.

For me, it was an easy choice, because if I turn my back on the language of my children today, how will we communicate tomorrow? My children have grown up with talk of gigabytes, tweeting and social media. It is, in all practicality, their first language. And if I have hope of continuing in communication, I feel it is easier for me to climb the learning curve, and learn enough that I can walk them through this technological road.

I have not only three children, but also two ‘friends’ on Facebook (one is not yet thirteen, and, since it is the Facebook policy that you need to be thirteen to have an account, he is still waiting). It is here that I can be familiar with who their friends are, how they are conversing, and the ups and downs of their circles. This is not information that I am ‘sneaking’ as my kids know that I am interested in their lives, and in the lives of their friends (many of whom are also my ‘friends’). They do tell me not to ‘like’ every picture they post, because that’s “just creepy,” so I am learning how to navigate this new world from them too!

I am not saying I always agree with all that is new, or the intrusions that technology creates in our lives. I most certainly see foundational flaws to social media as a main use of communication in our world. I see the need for a Miss. Manners in the form of a Wii character, to watch over and instruct the users of the world wide web. I have struggled through terminology that is new (most of which are acronyms) and foreign to my ears. I sometimes wonder if in the future the acronyms we now use in texting will become the words of Webster’s Dictionary. Or that Webster’s will be replaced by Urban Dictionary. I have also found sites visited by my kids that, in the words of my grandmother, make my eyeballs curl.

But, each setback is also an opportunity to teach and to learn, and for me and my kids, we are doing it together, bumps and bruises alike.

For those of us of a more archaic age, the video below might put a smile on your faces, like it did my kids and I:

In our house, it has happened that all five of us are home, even in the same room, having a conversation by texting. It may sound rather ridiculous, but hubby and I figure it is good for a laugh, and helps us maintain uniqueness as a family. We have even been talking about having a dinner where we all communicate via text through the entire meal. We are all about memory making, and hey, the family that texts together, stays together 😉 !

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A Walk with a Wise Girl

Posted in life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged a walk with a wise girl, Choices, decisions, future planning, Life, Parenting, reaising kids on March 7, 2012| Leave a Comment »

On Saturday I was heading out with the beast on a walk, along with my almost fifteen year old daughter. My daughter was telling me of her opinions and decisions on various topics, opinions and decisions that were far more wise than I would have had at her age.

I came home almost giddy! It is not often that, as a parent, you feel any sort of success. Usually, as parents, we feel only failure. This time I was doing my happy dance (now that is quite a mental picture).

Way back when our oldest daughter was a preschooler I heard someone speaking about parenting. This person said it is important to guide your kids towards thinking about, and making decisions BEFORE they are in a position of having to make them. So, when our kids were preschoolers, I would ask them BEFORE we went to purchase a Slurpie what flavor they hoped to get, and why. Doing this alleviated the frustratingly long time it would take them to make a decision, while there were dozens of people waiting in line behind us. Sure they sometimes changed their mind, but, overall, thinking ahead helped their anticipation of what they chose to grow. As they got older we would talk about drug and alcohol use in teens, and they would talk about the possibility of using those substances, and how that might hinder their future goals (another discussion that happens W A Y before grade 12 … more like since they could talk). So, as their peers started experimenting they have known, before peer pressure was involved, what they would choose, and why (this is not a guarantee, but if they have a goal they have chosen, and a reason for choosing it, they then have the intrinsic motivation to make choices, not in the moment, but that help them achieve their goals).

The why is important, because it gives them their own reasons for making decisions. I have always feared that my kids would make important decisions BECAUSE I told them, and so teaching them to think for themselves, set goals for themselves helps to ensure that I am not raising robotic clones.

Now don’t go thinking that I spent my Saturday patting my back. Raising kids is like playing mad scientist with a lab rat. We never know if what we are doing, and teaching, and praying for will actually produce a productive member of society. I am fully aware that even if there was a manual for successful parenting (don’t we wish) our kids still have to make their choices all by themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, she is not perfect, and can still make ridiculous decisions, as any teen (or adult) can. What I do see is that she is pulling through this time of adolescence with wisdom and an end goal as her guides.

And that gives me great hope for her future.

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Some Creatures Eat Their Young

Posted in FAMILY, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Children, Love, Love for your kids, Parent Frustration, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Some Creatures Eat Their young, Spiders on January 31, 2012| 4 Comments »

Filial cannibalism is the act of eating ones own offspring. Creatures from birds to fish to spiders (they should eat more of their young) all practice this horrendous act.

It is disgusting! It is unbelievable! It is … pondered once in a while when you have children.

Now, obviously I am joking, but lets face it, there are days when we wonder (momentarily) why we asked for that back rub many years ago. There are days when we, as parents, feel pushed to the edge of the cliff, and the jump starts looking mighty appealing!

But then we are, ever so quickly, reminded of what our heart really feels about these offspring of ours. We would do anything for them, we would even die to save their lives.

We parents live in such a place of contradictions. We love them, we want to eat them.

Whenever one of our kids is pushing our buttons (or maybe all of them … at once!), our eldest, in her most mocking of mocking tones, likes to remind us the “sex has consequences.” Her point being that if we had not had sex, they would not be here here to drive us nuts. What her real point is, though, is that them driving us nuts is our own fault. Sigh, sometimes I regret encouraging our kids to think critically!

The thing is we do love our kids. We did want them and we forgive them faster than we could ever forgive any other. They are ours, a part of us, and no matter how often we hear the words, “some creatures eat their young” in our heads, we would die for them in an instant. And this IS the miracle of love.

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Children : From Beautiful to Surly

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, WONDER, tagged Babies, Innocent, Jeremiah 29:11, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Purpose, Surly Teens on October 24, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There is a life mystery that I expect I will never fully understand. It is twofold: First is the amazing love, and dedication, and awe, and commitment that a parent feels when their newborn is placed in their arms. Second is how that beautiful, innocent, miraculous bundle of joy turns into a surly, snarly, stubborn teenager.

As a parent, who has experienced both the beautiful babe and the surly teen, I am baffled at how one morphs into the other. I am also confounded at how I have morphed as well. From the moment that I would have confirmation of being pregnant I was in love, I was willing to die for that child …

and then they become a defiant two year old,
and then they won’t eat their veggies
and then they get into a fist fight on the playground
and then they talk back
and then they argue over anything (as in anything you say)
and then they won’t talk
and then you understand why some creatures eat their young …

I also work in a school, and so I get to see teens, daily, with their chosen packs (you know, like wolf packs … so many similarities 😉 ), and it does a number on my ‘parent perspective’ of those surly teens.

Here is what I see:

‘friends’ who embarrass and humiliate them in front of other ‘friends’
faces of failure, because they didn’t get the mark they thought or hoped they would on an assignment or test
not wanting to ask for help in class, because they truly feel they are the only ones who do not get it
exhaustion caused by working late, so that they can have the money to buy the ‘things’ that keep them ‘in’ with the pack
exhaustion caused by the reality that a teens body has a different clock from an adults (and from our school schedule), their bodies are programmed to ‘awaken’ in the evening, making sleep hard to come by until late into the night
inattention in class, causing reprimands from teachers who have not been alerted, by parents, of the illness of a family member, the pending separation/divorce of parents, deaths, etc., etc., etc.
students who look like a scared creatures when they walk down the hallways, because they feel they have no ‘pack’ to belong to
students who are self-injuring (cutting, eating disorders, drugs, alcohol, illicit sex), who have so much going on in their minds and bodies, that they hurt themselves to distract from the big hurts in their lives

This is what I see, it is not all I see (I do see good stuff too, and lots of it, but the good stuff doesn’t contribute to surly so much), but this is what I see that makes me look at my surly teens differently. I now know that when they hop in the van at the end of the, our van might be the only place they have felt ‘safe’ all day, and they might be surly to me because I might be the first person in their day who they know will love them, despite their behaviors, or their looks, or their hearts.

Moms and Dads, we need to continue to be the same ‘in love’, willing to die for you parents that we were when we first laid our eyes on our babies. We need to stop responding to our kids surly behaviors, and start seeking the reasons why they are surly. We need to stop being offended by their attitudes, their music choices, their clothing and hair styles and start looking through all of that to the child/adolescent/teen/young adult at the core of who they are. We need to love them through the eyes of a Father God, who looks at us, not as we are (thank goodness), but as who He knows we can become.

Every week, I know of a daughter who willfully breaks the rules of her Father. She lies, she snubs others, she can be really mean to those younger than her, she has hissy fits, she leaves the house without telling anyone where she is going, and she might spend days without saying a single word to her father. Then, one day every week she goes out in public to say how much she loves her Daddy. And you know what, because her father is God, He welcomes me back … every time. Because my Father God knows I am going to be surly (it’s a given, just like our kids), but He sees in my the enormity of what I can become, and He isn’t going to give up on my until I see it too.