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Archive for March, 2011

So, it’s been a week since part of my family left. And, man, have I accomplished lots!

I’ve worked in the garden (freshly laid out grass seeds are currently being drenched by yet another ‘mini’ monsoon), organized ‘piles’ of stuff to put elsewhere (some of us are ‘pilers’ and some of us are … messy), taken a day trip with eldest daughter (you will so be hearing about that trip!) and cleaned the house (a very full, extremely heavy, garbage can was taken to the curb last night … not this morning, as is often the case, when another (male) resident of the house frequently chases the garbage truck down the street, with the can … name withheld to protect the guilty).

It has been a good week!

But the dancing through the house in my undies like Tom Cruise in ‘Risky Business’ (yet another indicator of just how archaic I am, AND an added bonus for those who know me is to now have been given FAR too much information, and a visual that they just do not want) is now past. And I am missing my Baby Girl 😦

It is not that she is the only one I am missing … I do miss her brother and her dad, but tonight when Skype was choppy (grrrrrr!), and she kept getting ‘offlined’ by Facebook … my heart just longed for her. It felt as though she and I needed to be together, and the big, bad technology gods were not letting it happen.

It was one of those momma-longings. I remember when she would be sleeping (finally … let me tell you the moments I am about to share were pretty much non-existent for the first two sleepless years of her life) and I would look in on her and everything within me wanted to pick her up and just ‘drink in’ her unique scent …

By the way, for those first two years I NEVER actually did pick her up … heck, I was so sleep deprived that I rarely checked on her if she was sleeping … sleep was a longing that this momma rarely ever had fulfilled.But, I digress.

Anyway, tonight as I ‘chatted-choppily’ on Skype with her dad and brother, I got this longing for her. Then, when she still hadn’t ‘appeared’ in the conversation, I realized that she might be struggling with the thunderstorm they were having, and I NEEDED MY BABY GIRL. Because, even if the thunderstorm was not bothering her mature Middle School person, it was bothering her momma here that I could not hold her in my arms.

I’m so glad times have changed, and that she doesn’t leave me sleep-deprived anymore (of course I recognize that surely that will re-occur in the years to come). I’m so glad that I am not scared to go and watch her sleep peacefully (this does not happen late at night, as I am old, and she is … adolescent. It happens anytime before noon, but after 6am, when I awaken). I am so glad that, even though she is adolescent (and I am … old) we both need to hold each other.

So, Baby Girl, whether you read this tonight, or tomorrow morning (or, in 10 years, because you think reading your mom’s blog is ‘lame’) I want you to know that when you were in Middle School your mom longed to hold you, and talk to you (and give you hints about what I got you for your birthday), and …

I miss you Baby Girl, sleep well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6QGTKrj97g

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I said I wouldn’t do it, but I did.

I thought I would hate it, but I didn’t.

What a great walk in the sun I had with the beast yesterday, AND I didn’t get eaten by a bear! (see my previous blog if this makes no sense to you). The sun was bright and warm, the path was littered with friendly people, and I could walk at my own pace.

At my own pace … walking alone.

Walking alone I was able to set my own pace 🙂 . I didn’t have to deal with my hubby’s excessive speed …

Oh boy, I suppose I need to fess up about the excessive speed issue. This is where I could use a 12 Step program, because, you see, I am innately, wholly, aggressively competitive. When we walk together hubby does start the walk at speeds that could be clocked at Nascar. But, once my joints are loosened up (numb enough that I feel nothing anymore) the monster within me takes over. This monster cannot be led anywhere! It is a strong-willed, arrogant, Type A personality within me that has, not a need for speed, but a need to be in the lead!

Sometimes, while hubby and I are a-walkin’ and a-talkin’ I even hear voices from the monster within! ‘Carole, he’s gaining on you; Carole, don’t let him pass you; Carole, you are stronger, move your keester.’ It is very distressing! But, alas, I have digressed yet again.

Walking alone, there was an absence of the monster within, there was no competition. I could try to compete with my beast, but, lets face it, she’s got the endurance of a race horse. Even my monster within knows better than to try to out-walk a 55lb., 6-year old canine. So, without hubby, I didn’t get as far down the trail, as when he is there.

Walking alone, my joints didn’t cry out to Jesus for relief in the first 15 minutes of the walk.

Walking alone, I had the opportunity to see and drank in the beauty around me. When you are walking like a race car, there is no journey, only destination.

Walking alone, I had to buy my own blended ‘Naked Juice’ drink after the walk!

Walking alone, I had to ‘scoop the poop’ … wait a minute, nothing has changed here!

And that is where this two-part entry began … walking alone. It was a day of contrasts. There were good differences and bad, walking alone. But, with hubby or alone, the path remains the same. The bends are still there, the hills are still there, the shady trees are still there (the stinky outhouse is still there). What changes is my experience of the path.

I hope that the experience of walking alone will help me to see afresh how wonder-filled this path is.

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For weeks my husband’s been on a big ‘get and live healthier’ kick, I’ve been on more of a ‘get and live healthier’ … foot tap. He’s had stupendous success with weight loss, and I … I can now button my pants without first laying on the bed. He celebrated his success by increasing the minutes of walking he was doing, daily. I celebrated my success by going to a movie … not because of the movie, but because I wanted theater popcorn with REAL BUTTER, but, I digress.

After over 21 years of marriage, my significant other (who is getting less ‘significant’ with each walk) has walked with me more in the past three months than in the over twenty-one years before! And, it is now me who is walking with him! AND I often am trying to catch up! We have experienced true role-reversal in the area of walking, and, I don’t know if I like it. But, again, I digress.

When going for a walk, our usual P. O. A. (Plan Of Action) is to park, saddle up the beast, start the stopwatch app. on hubby’s phone, and head out. There is NEVER any stretching, and our warm-up only occurs when my knee is sore and I ‘suggest’ that we have a slow start. When this happens I can read hubby’s O. C. P. (Obsessive Compulsive Personality) non-verbal thoughts … “man, that means we won’t get as far on the path; could I ‘fudge’ what the stopwatch says?; this will seriously affect my results; the dog is so much easier to manage than ‘she’ is.” Okay, anyone who knows my husband (and his disdain for the dog) knows he would definitely not think the last thought! So we head out, at Mario Andretti speed, ready to plow over anyone, and anything in our way, because the goal is to get it done, and get it done fast!

So, we walk together quite often, and there is a particular trail that we love. It is safe, populated and beautiful. But it is a little … wilderness-y. And, although I love the great outdoors, I have a problem with places where there are ‘bear alert’ signs. I do not like wilderness-y that is fast enough, big enough and hungry enough to eat me! So, I have been content to only walk this trail with hubby.

The problem is, he left town. So I was left with a dilemma, I am now a ‘habitual’ walker, and can’t just stop because he’s not here, but … my fear of being eaten is huge! So, my plan was that I would walk a local track (knee pain keeps me off of concrete and asphalt). It too is safe, populated and, if you look beyond the track, beautiful! Problem solved! Until this morning, when my beast, Shiloh, looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes, non-verbally communicating that she NEEDED to go for a walk, in the sun, today! What’s a non-wilderness-y girl to do?

I’ll update you later 😉 … if the bears don’t get me!

 

 

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It has been ‘just a regular day’ today …

6am – alarm goes off (but what if it hadn’t?)

7:30am – kids awaken (but what if they hadn’t?)

8:30am – start work (but what if I had no work that I love?)

3:30pm – purchase produce (what if I had no means to do that?)

4:30pm – prepare dinner (what if the cupboards were bare?)

5:30pm – eat dinner with family (what if I had no family?)

10pm – dream bedtime (what if I had no bed?)

There are many ‘what ifs’ in each and every ‘regular’ day. They are the what ifs that, if they were different, if they altered, my regular day would be catastrophic, disheartening, life-changing. I spoke to a teen today, whose uncle (with young children) is dying. No day is ‘regular’ for him, anymore. Today his wife and children wish for a ‘regular’ day again. As an excitement junkie, I can easily become bored with all things regular. But today reminded me that ‘regular’ can mean real, beautiful, satisfying, worth-living-for … LIFE. And it’s better than the alternative.

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