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Posts Tagged ‘Lonely’

b2783f508acbb1ad93f095379ee682e2Alone is a word, it is a state of being.

It is most commonly understood as being without anyone, but alone can be experienced, felt in a crowd of thousands. Alone is more a state of one’s mind, one’s heart, than the absence of others.

At this point in my life to be alone in my house is pure delight! And a rare one too. At the same time, for me to be alone in a public place is also a delight … not a soul asking anything of me, just time for myself and my own thoughts.

But, often, alone is synonymous for lonely, a sense, awareness or knowledge of an absence of something or someone.

I remember, as a young girl, my grandmother adjusting to the absence of her husband, after losing his battle with cancer. She was lonely, alone. Even many years later, near the end of her own earthly life, she would say that she never felt more alone than when she would come home to an empty house.

Ever felt alone? Or, for the male among us, ever thought you were alone (there is a great debate in our house that the females ‘feel’ while the males ‘think’ … let me tell you, there are many examples of the males in our household not thinking … just sayin’).

We have all experienced the sadness of alone. We have all experienced the absence, the void, the sense that something is missing, absent, gone.

But, even when the loneliness of being alone is felt right down to the core of our being, we are never truly alone.

There is one “who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

“God is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you” (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Even when it seems as though we are alone, we are never truly alone.

(an interesting story behind this song can be read at The Huffington Post)

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Hubby and I have been married for almost an eternity and we share three children … ages almost twenty, fifteen and a half and almost thirteen (funny … almost and halves are never added to the ages of parents … I, for instance, am thirty-nine … with three four years experience).

Just a few weeks ago we said farewell to our eldest for a semester at an East Coast University. Our youngest daughter entered grade ten, and our youngest is in his last year of Middle School.

For the past couple of summers I have had moments when I can see into the future.

Our home would frequently be vacated by our kids. Dinners in the summer are often just three of us, or, if we are lucky, two. Those times when it is just us two, we feel are treats, and we enjoy the peace and quiet that our kid’s busy social lives allow.

But, peace and quiet, as delightful as it is once in a while, reminds me that it is coming in a more regular fashion, and very soon. These moments of alone time for hubby and I remind me that soon it will be hubby and I more often than not. That the laundry will not take all Saturday. That dinner out will not be Subway. That grocery shopping will be a short stop rather than an evening affair. That my vehicle will not be a minivan, and it will not go through fuel like that of a taxi.

Recently, when the house was empty, except for hubby and I, I just sat and imagined all that extra time to do as I pleased. Hubby was tapping away at his laptop, watching something on television. The beast was having her after-dinner nap. And, I was still and imagined.

I did not like what I was imagining, because it seemed so very … quiet.

As I sat, imagining, I realized that this phase of life is the one I dreamed of most, back when it was just hubby and I, dreaming together of what our future would be. I have never been a ‘baby person,’ although I loved our kids as babies. I always dreamed of having a house full of adolescents and teens, filling our house, and my days, with noise, and laughter and the challenges of growing up. I imagined just what I have, right now.

How blessed I am to have this dream fulfilled. And how blessed I am that God whispered in my ear, to be still, so that I didn’t wish this most desired phase of life to be over without fully immersing my heart into it.

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“How much longer will you forget me, Lord? Forever?
How much longer will you hide yourself from me?
How long must I endure trouble?
How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night?
How long will my enemies triumph over me?”
Psalm 13:1-2

Well now, that is not a very cheery way to start a writing! Those words do not cause us to start the day on an optimistic point, and yet, this very day, those words give voice to the heart cries of many around us.

On this day after Valentine’s Day, not all are awakening with the glow of being loved. Some are rising with the weight of sorrow, of loss, of rejection, of loneliness, of brokenness. Some, like the psalmist, David, are awakening with lament in their hearts, and on their lips.

David, the psalmist, the shepherd, the king, reminds us that to lament is part of life in our broken world. He not only reminds us of it’s reality, but, because he laments, he gives us permission to lament as well. And what an example he gives.

“Look at me, O Lord my God, and answer me.
Restore my strength; don’t let me die.
Don’t let my enemies say,
We have defeated him.
Don’t let them gloat over my downfall.”
Psalm 13:3-4

This psalm not just a cry, but a demand! The scripture above indicates no gentle hinting, but demands, pleading for attention. He wants God’s full attention, “look”! like a child with an immediate need, he wants not just his father’s ear, but his eyes. He wants to know that he has the full attention of his Lord. And not just his attention, but a response!

Maybe you are different from me, but have you ever waved your fists into the air to God? Have you ever felt unheard? Weak? Dying (emotionally)? Defeated? And all you could do is wave your fists, or stretch out your arms to your Creator and say, “are you hearing me? I am desperate, and I don’t hear your voice.”

It is okay to be real with God. It is okay to be angry with God. He is our Father God, he knows we are angry, even if we smile and fake our way through life. Even when we pray only praises and thanks to Him, He knows the sorrow, the fear, the anger in our hearts. I believe His father shoulders are wide enough for us to tell Him the truth.

As we follow the example of David, we see that the lament is not without hope. David can lament openly and honestly to the living God, because although he cannot see a resolution to his current problem, he knows that the God he is lamenting to is one who loves him. David knows that, although he cannot see how his chains will be removed, God WILL rescue him. And not only that, but David goes from singing, no … moaning a dirge, to singing his praise to God, “because he (you) have been good to him (me).”

 “I rely on your constant love;
I will be glad, because you will rescue me.
I will sing to you, O Lord,
because you have been good to me.”
Psalm 13:5-6

The following clip is of Psalm 13 put to music. It is one I have sung, no … moaned, in lament to my God, when I just could do nothing but raise my hands to the heavens, and let the tears fall. And in those times, I have felt the presence of a living God who has always been good to me.

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So, it’s been a week since part of my family left. And, man, have I accomplished lots!

I’ve worked in the garden (freshly laid out grass seeds are currently being drenched by yet another ‘mini’ monsoon), organized ‘piles’ of stuff to put elsewhere (some of us are ‘pilers’ and some of us are … messy), taken a day trip with eldest daughter (you will so be hearing about that trip!) and cleaned the house (a very full, extremely heavy, garbage can was taken to the curb last night … not this morning, as is often the case, when another (male) resident of the house frequently chases the garbage truck down the street, with the can … name withheld to protect the guilty).

It has been a good week!

But the dancing through the house in my undies like Tom Cruise in ‘Risky Business’ (yet another indicator of just how archaic I am, AND an added bonus for those who know me is to now have been given FAR too much information, and a visual that they just do not want) is now past. And I am missing my Baby Girl 😦

It is not that she is the only one I am missing … I do miss her brother and her dad, but tonight when Skype was choppy (grrrrrr!), and she kept getting ‘offlined’ by Facebook … my heart just longed for her. It felt as though she and I needed to be together, and the big, bad technology gods were not letting it happen.

It was one of those momma-longings. I remember when she would be sleeping (finally … let me tell you the moments I am about to share were pretty much non-existent for the first two sleepless years of her life) and I would look in on her and everything within me wanted to pick her up and just ‘drink in’ her unique scent …

By the way, for those first two years I NEVER actually did pick her up … heck, I was so sleep deprived that I rarely checked on her if she was sleeping … sleep was a longing that this momma rarely ever had fulfilled.But, I digress.

Anyway, tonight as I ‘chatted-choppily’ on Skype with her dad and brother, I got this longing for her. Then, when she still hadn’t ‘appeared’ in the conversation, I realized that she might be struggling with the thunderstorm they were having, and I NEEDED MY BABY GIRL. Because, even if the thunderstorm was not bothering her mature Middle School person, it was bothering her momma here that I could not hold her in my arms.

I’m so glad times have changed, and that she doesn’t leave me sleep-deprived anymore (of course I recognize that surely that will re-occur in the years to come). I’m so glad that I am not scared to go and watch her sleep peacefully (this does not happen late at night, as I am old, and she is … adolescent. It happens anytime before noon, but after 6am, when I awaken). I am so glad that, even though she is adolescent (and I am … old) we both need to hold each other.

So, Baby Girl, whether you read this tonight, or tomorrow morning (or, in 10 years, because you think reading your mom’s blog is ‘lame’) I want you to know that when you were in Middle School your mom longed to hold you, and talk to you (and give you hints about what I got you for your birthday), and …

I miss you Baby Girl, sleep well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6QGTKrj97g

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