itsawonderfilledlife

This is another post in a series, about a woman named Amara. Every Friday I will post another segment in this story.

When Joe and Jilly got home from the hospital, Joe realized, for the first time since getting into the car, that he had been so pre-occupied in his own thoughts, he had forgotten that Jilly was with him. As he looked to the passenger seat, he smiled, as Jilly was sleeping peacefully.

How she had grown, from the little girl he often still thought of her as. She reminded Joe of his own mother, with her long eyelashes, chestnut hair, and petite nose. He missed his mother, and wished the Jilly could have known the woman who she resembled most.

Joe unlocked and opened the door from the garage to the house. He then, carefully, opened the passenger door, and lifted Jilly into his arms. He carried her to her room, when he lay her on her bed, and covered her with a quilt. He looked again at his firstborn and noticed how, her sleeping state reminded him of the many times he had carried her from a vehicle in the garage when she was little. The memories caused a smile to spread across his face, as he realized how fortunate a man he was, how blessed a man he was.

He walked from her room with a goal in mind, and now was the time to get going on it.

Joe walked into the small office in their home, and sat in the large, comfortable chair, as he reached in his pocket for his cell phone.

He clicked on the text button, and read, again, the text that Roxanne had sent, the text that Joy had read, the text that may have changed his life forever.

“Call me, I NEED to talk with you about a ‘business trip’ I am proposing. You owe me big time for leaving just when we were so close 😉 . Roxanne” Joe read it over again, and again, and again. Then he realized that this text, and that Roxanne herself, were not responsible for changing his life, his choices over the past months were where the responsibility lay. He chose poorly, and he had to accept that responsibility if he would ever be able to look Joy in the face again, if he were ever to even hope that she might accept his repentance.

When he located Roxanne’s number, identified as R. Baker, he looked at the time, but then realized that it was now or never.

As Joe heard the ringing of Roxanne’s phone, he realized he had not rehearsed anything to say, and started to panic, as he pondered hanging up. Just as he was about to lose his nerve, a familiar voice answered, “well now, I was beginning to think that you were never going to speak to me again.” Joe could almost see her cheeky smile as she spoke, but it did not have the same euphoric affect on him this time.

“Roxanne, I need to talk with you,” Joe was plunging in with both feet, and he wasn’t going to back down.

“Oh Joe, of course you need to talk with me, after all, we are partners … well, we were almost partners,” Roxanne said, with a giggle that insinuated the path that they had been following.

“Roxanne, it is very important that I get this all out, before I lose my nerve,” Joe took a deep breath, then proceeded.

“I need to apologize to you. I have been so wrong in pursuing this relationship with you. My marriage vows to my wife should have meant more to me than my actions have showed. I never should have kissed you …” Joe stopped and realized that there was more “… I never should have even thought of it. I want you to know that I was the one who blew it, not my wife. She could not have pushed me away if I had not been so easily swayed. Roxanne, I plan to put every effort into my marriage. I will die trying to prove that I have learned my lesson, and that I am fully and completely committed to my wife and our marriage together.”

Joe was done, everything that needed to be said, he had said, except … “good bye Roxanne. Please forgive me for bringing you into this sin of my own doing,” and with that, he hung up the phone. He looked out the window onto the front garden. It seemed as though he had never seen it in such detail before this moment. He had a goal, and it was one that he was going to do everything in his power to achieve.

He was going to win back the heart of the woman that he had hurt, deceived and broken.

Now, if only she would allow herself to open her heart up to him again? Then Joe pondered to himself, if I knew this whole story, and I was not the offending me, would I advise her to give me a second chance?

Joe sighed a deep sign, realizing that this was going to be far more difficult than he might imagine.

Unfading – Part 1

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This is another post in a series, about a woman named Amara. Every Friday I will post another segment in this story.

“Jessica!”

Joy, Joe and Jilly were all calling out her name, when a nurse came over and asked them what was going on. She was kind, but it was obvious that yelling out their daughter and sister’s name in a hospital was not an acceptable thing to do.

“Our daughter is missing, and she is only five years old,” Joe said with a voice absent of any confidence.

“Do you have a photo of her that I can share with the others on this unit, and then maybe we can help you to locate her?” She asked, with great sympathy for the fear that was written over all of their faces.

“I have one in my wallet,” Joe quickly responded while searching for the photo. When he pulled it out, there were three other photos that came tumbling out of his wallet at the same time. The one of Jessica, that he had been seeking in the beginning, followed by one of Jilly, one of Joy and one of their whole family taken last Christmas.

Joy frowned as she picked them off the hospital floor. She had no idea that Joe might have pictures of them on his phone, let alone physical photos in his wallet.

She looked at the the photo of herself, one she had given Joe when they were first married “to look at when he had to be away on business, and they spoke on the phone. So that it was just like they were together when they were apart,” was what Joy had said. Then the one from this past Christmas … everyone smiling, but the unhappiness evident to Joy, as she looked at the perfect, but posed smiles of she and Joe. Jilly had changed so much already, in just a few short months, as adolescents was transforming her from the inside out. And Jilly, that beautiful, innocent smile, so full of joy. Oh, where was Jilly?

The nurse took the photo, photocopied it, and shared it with the nurses and any other hospital employees, including Dr. Lewis, who had still been on the unit, and a search ensued. Joy wandered the halls of the unit, aimlessly.

“I found her,” Jilly’s excited voice echoed down the halls of the hospital unit.

Everyone who heard her voice came running to where she was standing. Through the window of the door of room 201 was a most serene and touching scene. Little Jessica, snuggled up on the bed beside her grandmother. Amara’s arms were wrapped tightly around her, while she petted the top of Jessica’s head.

As Joy slowly opened the door, her heart almost stopped, as she heard a familiar tune being sung by her mother:

“Longing for you all the while, More and more;

Longing for the sunny smile, I adore;

Birds are singing far and near, Roses blooming ev’rywhere

You, alone, my heart can cheer; You, just you.

Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.

Let me hear you whisper that you love me too.

Keep the love-light glowing in your eyes so true.

Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.”

Joy was instantly transformed to another time and place. She was back in that special place in the clearing in the woods. Her mother and father, she and Jacob, relaxing and enjoying special family time, after their picnic lunch. Her father standing up, and extending his hand to her mother, who blushed. She took his hand, and he led her in a dance on that grassy, sunlit space, that became the dance floor of a beautiful ballroom. Joy could almost hear her father humming the song, as he plead her mother with his eyes to sing the words … and she did. Then he held her even more closely, as the two of them slipped into a place that was intimately theirs.

Jacob and Joy did not even respond as children often do, with groans and gagging, as their parents showed loving affection for each other in front of them. Even they, at their young ages, were swept up in the moment of beauty, of love, and of a magic that children rarely get a glimpse of anymore.

Amara’s voice was beautiful, solid, and confident. She had a voice like Kate Smith, that sounded like every part of her being was singing along with her voice.

Joy remembered her trip to Disney World, with her grandparents, and how every princess seemed to sound like her mother’s soothing, beautiful voice.

That song that Amara was singing to little Jessica, was the one that Joy had heard all through her childhood. Hearing it now took her back to not only that day in the clearing in the woods, but also to times Joy had forgotten about. Times when Joy was held on her mother’s lap, as a very young girl, and her mother would sing to her. She sang it when Joy was sad, she sang it when Joy was happy. She sang it when Jacob was dying. She sang it when Joy’s grandfather died … but, she never sang it when Joy’s grandmother, her mother’s mother, died. As a matter of fact, Joy could not remember her mother ever singing that song again … until now, in her hospital bed, with her youngest granddaughter in her arms.

Joy felt Joe’s hand on her shoulder, and the magic was gone.

Joy needed to get freed from Joe’s touch. It felt like sandpaper on her soul.

She turned around to see Dr. Lewis standing just off to the side, from where the group of people were watching little Jessica curled up with her grandmother.

“Dr. Lewis, why is my mother not upset about my daughter’s presence? She screamed when her other granddaughter entered the room, and she screamed when I was there, as though she did not know us. Why is she not bothered by Jessica’s presence?”

Joy hoped that what she was feeling was not evident in her question. That feeling was envy. She was ashamed to be feeling envious of her own daughter, but, after-all, she was Amara’s own daughter! Why did she not remember Joy, but she remembered Jessica?

“I really do not know the answer to that,” Dr. Lewis replied. “It could be that she is have a moment where her memory of the present time is clear again. It could be that she is reliving the past with your daughter, seeing her as someone else. Alzheimers is not a predictable disease. The amazing thing is that she is singing clearly, the garbled speech is not at all present right now, and that might be a good indicator in relation to her recent stroke.”

Oh, a bright light! Joy thought to herself. She had not even realized this change when she first heard her mother’s voice. Maybe her mother would recover, and go back home after-all.

“I think that it might be best if we do not disturb them, “said Dr. Lewis. “Joy, if you could stay close. Maybe you could quietly move into the room, just in case your mother’s memory slips, and she scares your daughter.”

“Of course,” Joy said, glad to have something that she could do.

“Is there any danger for Jessica being there?” Joe said, shaking Joy.

“I do not believe so,” the doctor said confidently. “The concern is more for how your mother’s response might scare your daughter. She is really too weak, physically, to hurt your daughter.”

Joy breathed a sigh of relief, and looked at Jilly, noticing how young she looked for a change. Adolescence seemed to have meant the every day she looked older, taller, more like a woman. But right now, the fear in her eyes made her seem more a child than a young woman.

“Jilly, how about you and your father go home, or do something fun together? I will call you as soon as something changes.” Joy could see that Jilly was looking so sad, so lost.

Jilly motioned her mother aside to speak to her privately. “Momma, why does Nanna remember Jessica, but she screamed when she saw me?” Jilly’s tear-filled eyes spilled down her cheeks.

Joy quickly wrapped her arms around her child of adult body, but child-like heart and mind. “Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. Nanna screamed at me too.” Joy’s own tear-filled eyes spilled over as well. “I don’t understand this any better than you do. All I know is that it hurts so much.”

As they stood there, sobbing in each others arms, Joe came over to them. He placed his arms around them both.

Joy quickly moved away from his touch, and placed a hand on each cheek of Jilly’s face, “you go home with your father, and I promise, I will call you as soon as I know something.”

Jilly nodded, wordlessly, and took a deep breath.

Joe was very aware that Joy was not talking to him, that she was not wanting his touch, his words … his presence. He knew that what she had read on his phone had created a flood of imagination in her mind of what might have gone on. He knew that he had killed a part of her, and that with it, a part of ‘them’ had died as well.

And he knew, then and there, that what he had not done did not make him innocent, because he knew, as Joy knew, that in his heart, he had replaced her with another. He knew, what he had not realized in the months of ‘innocent’ conversations, that he was guilty of emotional unfaithfulness, and that may have drive the final nail on the coffin of Joy’s ability to love him ever again.

Unfading – Part 1

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