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Archive for June 29th, 2017

doubt

It was September of 2016 that the ability to trust myself enough to be brave returned.

I was frustrated, downcast and I doubted myself greatly. When a day like this occurs, I have three go tos; Pinterest, employment sites, or food. Now, lets face it, I didn’t choose just one, I simply hit them all, one by one.

For some reason all three of our kids were home, and I was interacting with them as I perused local employment opportunities, laughing with them as we considered me in the various positions available (laughter really is the best medicine).

Although I hold a diploma, as a Draftsman, a certificate (plus fourteen years experience), as an Educational Assistant,  and I have experience in a other areas, what I do not possess (and it seems to be the new grade 12 diploma) is an undergrad degree.

As I was perusing employment opportunities, one stopped me in my tracks. It was as an instructor in a local university-college, in a job training program for individuals with disabilities.

I remembered visiting that program on my spring break many years prior, and having been so impressed with what it offered, and the philosophy of those who managed the program. After my visit I designed a work experience program, at the high school I worked, to mirror that one, ensuring that those who completed my program would qualify for this university-college one.

I shared it with my kids, who knew of my great respect for it, and they all said, “apply for it.” I smiled, a mom smile, and said, “the minimum requirement is an undergrad, and they prefer someone with a masters.” My heart sunk, as I work in a high school, and I know how very important credentials are to be employed there, so a university college wouldn’t even look at my resume.

But they persisted, throwing mantras at me that I had thrown their way over the years of mothering and empowering them that they loss nothing from trying and that “they have not because they ask not.”

I wavered in the reality of my lacking, but didn’t want to by a hypocrite with my kids.

I glanced at the deadline … Monday. This was Friday, and I hadn’t updated my resume in years. This was going to take work, and there wasn’t much in the reservoir … but I felt I needed to model bravery to my kids.

So, I spent my weekend creating a new and improved resume (with the help of my kids), and, on Monday, I submitted it online, hours before the deadline.

Ah, I did it! I had modelled to my kids that my self doubt would not stop me from trying the impossible! My job was done.

Then, on Wednesday, I received, what I thought to be confirmation of receipt of my resume, and a thanks, but no thanks response.

Instead, it was an appointment for an interview …

for my dream job
that I was not even close to having the educational minimum requirements for
that I only applied to so as to model what I expect of my kids

I was flabergasted!

I had to get hubby to read it, to ensure that I had read it correctly.

A week later I went to that interview, and met three welcoming and, no doubt, fully educated, women. I answered their questions, I gave a brief outline of what I might teach to prepare the students for an interview.

The interview lasted about one hour …

and I blew it!

I have never in my life, interviewed so poorly. It was as though I could hear everything I was saying, yet I had no control over my words.

When I was graciously thanked, and left the room, I raced to exit the building, and get to a private space, where I …

laughed hysterically! As in, bent over in deep tummy laughter!

I had taught work experience for about six years, including how to survive a job interview, and yet I had managed to perform as though I had no idea what a job interview was to entail.

But, I didn’t care … I had done the impossible, and through this exercise of bravery, the debilitating anxiety (and self doubt) that I had been living with for the three years prior was overcome … not completely, but there were cracks in my self-doubt.

The tide had turned, and I was reminded that God has given me gifts to use and share.

“Then Jesus told them,
“I tell you the truth,
if you have faith and don’t doubt,
you can do things like this and much more.”
Matthew 21:21

 

 

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