All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands …
I sang those words, driving down the road, top of my lungs, most sincerely from my heart.
And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
Then, out of nowhere that small, still voice …
the voice that challenges one’s intent, their heart.
Are you just singing these words out of
a good morning?
a good mood?
sun in the sky?
I know better than to just answer. I know that words are not enough … saying what I think is expected isn’t … expected of me.
And so I instantly, immediately pondered my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I considered the failures, the weaknesses, the really horrible things, the heart-hurting things. The dangers walked into, the abuses committed, the rejections, disappointments.
Even for a Pollyanna like me, I cannot look clearly at my life and say I have always been protected, given what I need, or had it ‘easy’.
No God, I am not singing these words just because the sun is shining, or because I feel uncharacteristically well, or because the day started well.
Silence (other than the song playing on repeat).
*Don’t get me wrong, the questions I was ‘hearing’ … I was not hearing with my physical ears, but the ears of my heart.
The silence was long enough to cause me to feel discomfort.
Why are you singing these words, then?
The song kept playing, yet louder in my ears. The words echoing in my heart, as though He made them stand out to me, as though they were my most sincere reality. For, like the prodigal son, who, in desperation came home to the Father who he knew would hold his arms open. And what he was greeted with … was even better,
for the Father was running to the prodigal, running full out, his steps started even before he could see his son.
And my heart spoke, sang my answer to my Father:
Cause Your goodness is running after
It’s running after me
With my life laid down
I’m surrendered now
I give You everything
‘Cause Your goodness is running after
It keeps running after me
What is real goodness? What is real love?
It is to be loved even when we do the unlovable, when we speak the unlovable, when we choose the unlovable, when we live the unlovable life.
That is the real love.
That is the goodness of God.
A couple of days later,
the sun was hidden under dark clouds, wet skies.
the day just had little productivity to it.
the mood was as dark as the skies.
and the phone call brought unexpected, bad news.
And I hung up the phone and heard whispers in my heart that caused me sing out loud,
I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
itsawonderfilledlife 