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So I woke up this morning with a thought that I have been mulling in my mind for a few days …

did I teach them to not follow me?

Last week, my friend and I were chatting about people who follow other people rather than just follow Christ.

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To hear such a thing is disheartening … frightening.

So, this morning, I awoke with a concern on my heart, did I teach our children to not follow me?

As a mom, much of our instruction to our children is based on the idea of follow my lead. They grow and develop greatly from mimicking what we say and what we do, just as we did in following our mothers (and fathers).

But, when it comes to who we follow in matters of faith, there is only one leader, only one to follow, Christ himself.

After-all, why follow a follower, when we can follow the leader?

I am a mere mortal, sin-filled from birth, sin-attracted every day of my life. I cannot save them, their souls. There is nothing praise-worthy or perfect in me, except the work of Christ through me. 

If my children (anyone) were to follow me in the area of spiritual salvation, they would be lost … there is no salvation in me.

If they follow me, they are doomed to repeat my mistakes, they are doomed to follow me right into errors and weakness and pride.

If, though, they follow Christ, they are headed in the right direction, saved and loved as no human can.

To me, the best how to and why instruction on this topic of who to follow, is found in the chapter of Psalm 146:

“Praise the Lord!
    Praise the Lord, my soul!
I will praise him as long as I live;
    I will sing to my God all my life.

Don’t put your trust in human leaders;
    no human being can save you.
When they die, they return to the dust;
    on that day all their plans come to an end.

Happy are those who have the God of Jacob to help them
    and who depend on the Lord their God,
the Creator of heaven, earth, and sea,
    and all that is in them.
He always keeps his promises;
he judges in favor of the oppressed
    and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets prisoners free
and gives sight to the blind.
He lifts those who have fallen;
    he loves his righteous people.
He protects the strangers who live in our land;
    he helps widows and orphans,
    but takes the wicked to their ruin.

The Lord is king forever.
    Your God, O Zion, will reign for all time.

Praise the Lord!”

To my kids (and anyone else who might have gotten this mixed up), don’t follow me, for I am lost too … follow Christ, for he will reign for all time … I am as dust.

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IMG_3851While driving one day last week the words of a song were heard by my heart.

Being on the cusp of change I needed to be reminded of that which does not, and there is nothing like the words in the middle of the Lamentations to re-set one’s … laments.

“Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:21-26

The book of Lamentations is one of mourning, weeping and gnashing of teeth. Jerusalem had been destroyed. The city of the people of God, God’s place of residence, was destroyed.

The book is written in poetic forms … ah, how poetry can make more sense when we are bowed to our knees.

The Lamentations are a cry for God to restore his people (aka, they blew it, and were begging on their knees to be forgiven). In this book, God never speaks … it is as though he  let them, wanted them to cry out, so as to remind them of his mercifulness, even in the midst of their laments.

So, as I listened to the song, Do It Again, and heard the words that reminded me of the unfailing faithfulness of my creator, redeemer, sustainer God, I sighed with the confidence that “his compassions never fail. They are new every morning.”

The Lamentations reminds us, not only of the faithfulness of God (right in the middle of the laments), but that praise and lament/weeping can happen simultaneously. That God is faithful, in the good times, and in the times of sorrow, loss, confusion, sickness and heartbreak.

And if he has shown his compassion and faithfulness in the past, we can have confidence, hope that he will do it again.

Do It Again
-Elevation Worship
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet
I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

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In a few days, the clothesline will hang empty, the pool without a ripple, the rooms quiet with not even the deep breathing of our wonder dog.

This is the liminal moment for me, the threshold between where we have been and where we are going. Though we are still here our minds are there. Though our history is here our future is there.

Our days are a liminal soup of memories and dreams.

In one year there has been great change for us, as a couple, which has stretched it’s reach into the lives of our children.

I made an employment change, which was heart wrenching, though I am thankful for. Hubby had to resign his job, then experienced health failure, which currently we know not when or how (or if) he will recover. We are about to exit the home which was the place of the growing up years for our three.

Our children have also experienced their own life changes. One graduated high school and set out to experience the working class lifestyle. One was diagnosed with a chronic disease, which can interrupt daily life unexpectedly and with great pain. One is still in the process of medical inquiry, while also looking at a new job.

While shopping last week I came across a small wall plaque (above) which said,

“Don’t look back,
you’re not going that way”

And I snapped it up for our new home, for I knew we would need the reminder to face forward, to close the door on the past and slide the deadbolt, for our future needs to be our focus.

So, as we embark on the future, on new dreams, goals and direction, the focus is on the new thing that God has for us, and we will throw our all into it, face forward.

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

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As the final student left the examination room yesterday, the doors to my summer opened wide, closing year one at my new job behind me.

A year ago I was sitting on the fence of change, wondering if I could survive without the familiarity and comforts of ‘home’. A year later I feel certain that I made the right decision, for I have been stretched and challenged in new ways that have forced me to grow.

Growth and challenge with purpose is essential for my undiagnosed ADD. For I easily become bored of monotony, and discouraged at busy work (for students as well as for myself).

I knew, in making the decision to accept this position, that I was doing it for the kick in the pants that I needed. I knew that I had become too confident of myself in my job, it had become second nature, and I knew that I needed to be pushed and stretched to be the best in my work.

And stretched I have been!

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Most days I got to spend my time assisting students with their math homework. It was pure joy for me, as I love the challenge that math problems present. It is not that I am an amazing or flawless mathematician, but that I recognize that math’s problems force us to work to find a solution, rather than the right answer. They are like a game where one needs to find a way to make the problem work. Personally, I think math prepares us best for life, for in our life we will have problems, and we need to learn to live with and through them.

Although I accepted a job for less income, I felt confident that God would take care of our financial needs, if I stepped out in faith, for a job that would challenge me and for one that provided more flexibility in terms of not having to attend professional development days that did not apply to my position or profession. What I never expected was that just weeks into my new position, a significant pay raise would more than meet our needs.

I was certain there couldn’t be a group of students who I could love more, yet, over forty students later (plus the ones who I have gotten to know who I didn’t actually work with directly) I adore this community of teens, who have accepted me, the new lady who loves math.

Then there was the community of co-workers. Though I still miss the community I had enjoyed for well over ten years, I have gained a new group of friends and colleagues. I have been adopted into a classroom which is a sisterhood of three, who I adore and respect, and into whose lives I have been welcomed with open arms. In our classroom (and via texts and emails) we have laughed, cried, prayed, celebrated and mourned … it has been a living, life-giving environment.

God has been faithful in providing for me through this year of change and transition. It hasn’t always been easy, and never perfect, yet he has guided and provided what I needed.

The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never
fail.”
Isaiah 58:11

 

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Do you ever think about heaven?

Recently the discouragements of life were getting me down, so I turned on some music that I had hoped would lift me up from my pit of despair.

All of a sudden a song by Matt Redman started to play, called One Day. One Day is a remake or modern take on the old hymn When We All Get to Heaven. Eliza Hewitt wrote this timeless hymn as a young woman, while bedridden with illness for an extended period of time.

I guess she too was in a pit … but rather than than play encouraging music, she wrote it.

That is what we all need to do when we feel surrounded on every side … write or proclaim what is true. It was in John 8:32, that Jesus himself said, “the truth will set you free”

For Eliza Hewitt, the truth was what she wrote from her sick bed. For myself it was in seeking truth, proclaimed by others.

Truth will never fail us. It can temporarily hurt, or make us uncomfortable, but it does not fail in giving us a freedom that lies (of others and of ourselves) can never thwart.

The hope of heaven is a freedom beyond anything that this Earth can provide. And sometimes that hope can propel our minds when this earthly journey gets hard, and we need to be reminded of what awaits us.

“When we all get to heaven
What a day of rejoicing that will be
When we all see Jesus
We’ll sing and shout the victory”

 

 

 

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Screen Shot 2018-05-17 at 8.54.33 PMI bought a book recently. Not one off a bidding site, or Craigslist or at a thrift store. I bought this book, with not a hint of a bend in the spine. I even had to order and then wait over a week for it to arrive. It doesn’t smell dusty or musty. It was brand new …

So, why?

I had come across an article about a new book, by Barbara Brown Taylor. In here book, she says,

“this is not the life I planned …
and the central revelation in it for me –
that the call to serve God is first and last
the call to be fully human”

And so, the next day, I ordered the book.

And as I read a chapter, a page, a paragraph, a line … I sigh and groan, for I am reminded that I am a mere human, and that is all God has called me to be.

To be fully human is to feel fully all of the joys and sorrows of our human existence. It is to taste the sweet as well as the sour. It is to sometimes gain, and sometimes lose. As Brown-Taylor says, “loss is how we come to surrender our lives” … our fully human lives.

Her words remind me of the words of Jesus (Matthew 10:39):

“Whoever finds their life will lose it,
and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”

In the Expositor, Plato quotes a paradox from a lost book of Euripides:

“Who knows if life be not death, and death life ?”

We live, each day, knowing that the reality of being fully human means that we are frail, with Earthly bodies, with an end hear on Earth. To acknowledge our mortality is to begin to live with purpose, to live his purpose for our lives.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”
Job 1:21

 

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Though NO ONE would ever want to hear me sing, I do so love to sing at church. Then, a couple of months ago, I found that I couldn’t sing at a church service.

It wasn’t that I was unfamiliar with the songs. It’s not that I had laryngitis or another such ailment. It’s that I couldn’t sing the words anymore. It was as though my voice refused to go through the motions.

The next week was worse. Not only could I not sing, but my throat got involved with a very hard lump … resting right in the middle of my throat.

The Sunday following was the height (or depth) of my non-worship ability, for this week my emotions joined in, along with my tear ducts. As soon as the worship began, as soon as I was on my feet, I knew I was in trouble. My knees weakened, lump lodged in throat, emotions accelerating my heartbeat, tear ducts filling and ready to flood down my red-hot cheeks.

I could not sing … I couldn’t even stay in the room.

So I left until I knew that singing was completed, until I had control over my voice, emotions, heart and tear ducts.

Driving to work, a few days later, I heard the lyrics of a song that filled me with guilt.

“how can I keep from singing Your praise”

Why do I share this? I mean … it’s kind of personal, right?

I was recently reminded of Psalm 13. This is David’s famous lament … this is David’s finest psalm/song (my opinion).

In this Psalm, David is not in a happy-clappy worship mood. He is, as Anne of Green Gables would say, in the depths of despair, and he is not hiding it from God. He actually accuses God of “forgetting him”. He demands, of God, “look at me”.

David is filled with sorrow, and not holding it’s reality back from God.

And that is what God desires of us, that we not hold back our sorrow from him. As Matthew Henry’s Commentary says,

“The bread of sorrow is sometimes the saint’s daily bread.
Our Master himself was a man of sorrows.”

God can hear our sorrows, despair and demands … he is one who knows sorrow all too well. He can empathize like no other.

When things go poorly in my life, I tend to respond well, optimistic and strong in the initial days and weeks of the struggle (I often think I would make a good first responder). But patience is not my strong point, and when the struggle drags on … I tend to loss hope, and need to, once again, cry out to God … to really cry out to God.

Those weeks of struggle to sing my praises to God … those were my season of silent lament to God. I got real with him … and God that is what God desires most.

And as I move through this season, I will, as did David, complete my lament with singing.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to
me.”
Psalm 13:5-6

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Screen Shot 2018-05-06 at 4.22.50 PMRemember the 1980’s movie “Little Shop of Horrors”? Although I know I saw it, all I can remember is the plant saying “feed me” to Seymour, in the most desperate of ways.

There is a story of Jesus with Peter, after the fishing incident when there was nothing to catch … until Jesus told them to throw the nets to the other side of the boat, and they took in (quite literally) a boat-load of fish.

Jesus asks Peter (John 21:17), “do you love me?”  but Peter was hurt because this was the third time that Jesus asked him that. So Peter replied (probably with great exasperation), “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” and then Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”

When we look at this historical account we might wonder,

why did Jesus ask “do you love me“?

Shouldn’t he have asked, “do you love my sheep”?

Especially since Jesus’ response to Peter’s response (stick with me) was “feed my sheep.”

But what Jesus understood, as only Jesus could, that it is not our love for people that will keep us loving and caring and feeding them … but our love for Jesus.

This story (amid many other lessons) is a reminder that:

“I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me
(Philippians 4:13)

Perhaps it should, more practically read,

I can do only the things that I do in the strength of Christ.

We can do good things for people, outside of Christ. But we cannot do the work of Christ apart from him. He is our shepherd, we are his aimless sheep, whom he loves. And, as we learn to love and depend on him, he will allow us to join with him in the feeding of his sheep.

“God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied”
(Needtobreathe)

 

 

 

 

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Recently students were discussing roller coaster rides they had been on, and one talked about a ride that took you out, over a body of water … and paused. Then, with no hint at what was coming it went from zero to fifty in the blink of an eye, quickly pulling them backwards, and they could not see where they were going.

One of the students exclaimed,

“that must have been so frightening to not know where you were going?”

To which the other replied,

“Nope! If I saw where I was going, I would have been much more scared.”

Her response got me to thinking …

maybe it is better to not know what is coming in our futures?

Then I remembered a verse, from 1 Corinthians 13:12:

 

“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. “(this is such a visual! Haven’t we all been walking driving through thick fog that had all but blinded us? Can’t we all recall, or maybe currently going through a time when the circumstances leave us blinded to what might be ahead for us?)

“But it won’t be long” (it won’t be long! Don’t we all feel the seconds tick by when life is a struggle? This reminder will come to an end) “before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!” (yes! the sun is what we need to focus on … the sun in the sky, and the son who sets us free. It WON’T be long! The fog WILL lift!). 

“We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!”

Man, when I look back over different periods of time in my life, I could not have imagined the twists and turns, the joys and sorrows, the triumphs and trials that were about to come … or how they would play out in the greater story of my life.

And so we do not see what is to come, how the problems and struggles end, how the difficult road leads to completion, how the blessings become curses, and the curses become blessings.

Our vision is impaired, as though we are in a fog, or going backwards on a carnival ride. But the fog will lift, and from the reversing ride, we can see how vast the image of life appears, and how pieces have fit together.

But we are not called to just sit there and let it all happen, either. For verse 13 gives us our marching orders:

“But for right now, until that completeness,
we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:
Trust steadily in God,
hope unswervingly,
love extravagantly.
And the best of the three is love.”

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A good story teller, a good poet, will always include visuals for our brains to hold onto, so that, though we may forget their words, we will not forget their story, their message.

I have always believed that the best story-teller, the best and most creative writer of the poetry and stories of our lives is God, the creator, father, redeemer.

His story is even grander than the Grand Canyon.

Recently an old hymn (about one hundred years) has been playing in my head, but I didn’t hear it until the other morning.

… actually, I heard it, but I wasn’t listening

As I awoke Saturday, with the morning sky still awaiting to break, with the rains pouring down, I began to listen and hear the words, the message,

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
  And were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
  And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
  Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
  Though stretched from sky to sky.

The words began to form images in my mind, that kept me from thinking of anything else (perhaps that was the intent of God, who had a message).

The evening before my mind was full of a good message on the phone, a bad message on social media and a most frustrating message via email. I was too inwardly focused to even pray, so I did all that I knew to do, and asked that sweet handful of trusted friends to pray.

My early morning alone, became a reminder that joy comes in the morning … after the storm, after the storming down of heaven’s gates by faithful friends. After my eyes were refocused … off of myself.

Those words from the hymn, The Love of God. The first two verses and chorus written by Frederick Martin Lehman, but the third (above) goes back much further into history.

The words of the third verse were found, inscribed on the wall in a room of an insane asylum, after the patient died. It was later discovered that those words were written by  Jewish poet, Meir Ben Isaac Nehorai, in 1050, and can be found in Rabbi Hertz’ “Book of Jewish Thought” for the synagogue Pentecost celebrations.

Perhaps it is because the Hebrew language is a spoken one, stories and poems told, over and over again, from generation to generation. Those which have survived the ultimate test of time, often the ones which create visuals in the minds of hearers. The word pictures searing eternity onto the minds and hearts of those who heard.

The longevity of those words, perfectly inserted into a song about the vastness of the love of God.

Words, written just a millennium after the death of Christ … the greatest imagery of the promise of redemption, of love, used in the prophesy of the Old Testament.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

When hoary time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Refrain:
Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

 

 

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