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Loving Enough to Discipline

Posted in FAMILY, life, Love, The Kids, WONDER, tagged behavior, boundaries, correction, discipline, Future, Good, negative, Proverbc 21:1, Proverbs 15:32, Proverbs 15:5, Proverbs 19:18, { on April 19, 2012| 5 Comments »

The other day I became a mother, all over again, and , although a physical labor was not involved (thank goodness) it was energy draining.

The child who I ‘mothered’ is not my own, by DNA or adoption, she is our ‘daughter from another mother’ who has entrusted her to us while she (and her brother) lives here in Canada, and I love her dearly.

One of my ‘own’ daughters told me recently that I do show love to this girl and her brother. She even said that I love them like a mother. She also said I do not discipline them like a loving mother … ouch! Thankfully, she said it all kindly, and so, for a few weeks, I have been mulling our conversation over in my mind.

It is tough to discipline someone who is not your own child. It is more difficult to set boundaries. We do not have a long foundation of relationship. We do not have a foundation of expectations. We do not have a past of being loved before and after discipline. As I have considered the wise words of my daughter, I have been keenly aware that IF I do love this girl, boundaries and correction are necessary expressions of that love.

Correction, or discipline, is a means of making a child aware of not just positive consequences in life, but negative ones as well. I believe that by disciplining small things (ie. requiring a child to apologize to a sibling when they have been mean or rude, or having them pick up every last piece of building blocks that they dumped on the floor when having a temper tantrum), when a child is young, creates a distaste for negative consequences and therefore instills a desire to do what is right, and good as they mature and grow. To not correct or discipline is to force a child to face negative consequences of greater magnitude when they get older (being expelled from school, being arrested).

The Bible speaks significantly of the wisdom of discipline:

“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” Proverbs 21:1

“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” Proverbs 15:32

“Discipline your son (daughter), for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” Proverbs 19:18

“A fool spurns his father’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.” Proverbs 15:5

Recently, a teacher at the school I work, shared a true story, told to him by his daughter:
While waiting in a long lineup at a large store, a woman was hit by the large cart behind her. She smiled politely, to allow the cart handler, a child, know that she felt it. She turned back, and was hit again … and again … and again. The hit upon lady turned to the child and said, “please do not push your cart.” She again turned back, and was, again, hit by the cart. This time she turned to the mother, as others were watching, as said, ” could you please have your child stop pushing the cart, it is hitting me.” To which the mother replied, “I do not believe in giving my child boundaries.”
At this point, you can imagine the heads of spectators, looking towards the woman, looking towards the mother, and back and forth, waiting with bated breath to see what might happen next. Probably many with thoughts of “if I was that woman …”
As all of this was happening one spectator, a man, was nearby, taking in the whole situation, while drinking a yogurt drink. He slowly, leisurely walked over to the child, and poured some of his drink on top of the child’s head. He then poured some on the top of the speechless mother’s head. The mother was aghast! The man looked at her and said, “my mother never believed in teaching me boundaries either.”
The crowd erupted into applause! The mother and child quickly exited the store.

I wish I had been there.

To love is to set boundaries, to correct and to discipline. It is not the easy thing to do, but it is a most positive and long lasting way to enrich the lives of our children (by birth or circumstance), and to show them that we love them. My daughter by another mother may never thank me for setting boundaries, and correcting her behavior, but I feel certain that it was an act of love on my part.

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To My Copper Knob

Posted in FAMILY, The Kids, WONDER, tagged 15, Birthday, cell phone, Choices, Copper Knob, Cris, dating, Daughter, Growing Up, Love, Memories, proud, red head on April 5, 2012| 4 Comments »

To my Copper Knob,

I remember a dear old Scottish lady (who made the BEST shortbread, in the world, hands down … but I digress) looking at you, the first Sunday after your birth, and saying in her strong Scottish brogue, “oh, look at that beautiful copper knob.” From that moment on, there is rarely a time when I look at your bright copper hair, and do not hear the echo of her voice.

As you awaken today to a new day, to your fifteenth birthday, I will flashback, while you will flash forward.

You, as a brand new fifteen year old, will be thinking of your future. You will be hoping that your parents will fulfill their promise of a cell phone when you are in grade nine, TODAY (no comment on that one). You will be thinking about how it is only one more year until you are old enough for your driving ‘learners’. You will be thinking about three more years until high school graduation (and that means, your own car, IF you have decided not to date in high school … so you will probably also be looking forward to the freedom of having your own car AND the freedom to date … but, I digress). You will be looking forward to the future you desire most (and I will not share here, because that is YOUR hearts desire).

For myself, as the mother of a brand new fifteen year old, I will be thinking of your past. I will be thinking of how I was not with you, last year, for your fourteenth birthday. I will be thinking your thirteenth birthday party, when you CONVINCED me to allow you to invite EVERY GIRL IN YOUR CLASS to your sleepover party (really, you should consider a future as a lawyer). I will remember your emotional struggles through adolescents, relationships, and math (and how I paid you, YES I PAID MY CHILD to have her ‘let’ me help her with her math homework … again, a career in law might be worth considering). I will remember your first day of school, your first steps, your first words. I will remember how you never saw differences in people, and that some of your best friends were fifty years or more older than you (especially that next door neighbor who you loved so much that, if you saw he was outside, you were out of your car seat before our vehicle came to a stop in the driveway). I will remember the day you were born, and what seemed like forever before you took your first breath.

You look ahead.

I look back.

Each day of your life, my influence on you decreases. Each day of your life, you grow up, and apart from me (and your father). Each day of your life, you become more independent in your thoughts, your actions and your choices and plans for the future. That is how it is supposed to be. And, it IS good … even if sometimes it feels as though a limb is being torn from MY being.

There is a portion of a wedding ceremony, that your dad reads when he is performing a marriage that states, “you are giving your children to life’s adventure, and not merely away from yourselves. This is what you raise your children for, to let them go their way. And in their going they come back again to share their discoveries.” It is this that gives me joy in anticipating the future with you, that you come back to us, to share your discoveries and joys, with us.

I am proud of who you are choosing to become. Do not forget that who you become is YOUR choosing. The most important choices in your life are ones that your father and I cannot make for you. There are many that I wish for you, but they, and how you choose to life your life, are in your hands.

I love you, my Copper Knob, my favorite red-haired daughter. Continue to put your life in the hand of your Creator, and you will never walk this life alone.

Your favorite mom.

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Lemonade out of Raindrops

Posted in canada, GOD, life, The Beast, WONDER, tagged Blessing, curse, enemies, grumbling, just, lemonade, Love, Matthew 5, rain, rain forest, raindrops, Snow, Unjust on April 3, 2012| 4 Comments »

I hate rain. Well that is not completely true, because in the summer there is nothing so delightful as a cooling shower during a heat spell, or the sound of rain falling softly, as you drift off to sleep.

My family lives in the rain forest region of North America, where almost every day in winter gets rained on (I affectionately like to refer to the late fall to late spring as monsoon season).

One day, w a y back on Spring Break, I headed out for a walk. It was just me, the beast and an open trail. It was a v e r y open trail, because it was raining and most sane people were staying in the coffee shops. I was just desperate to get out and get fresh air in my lungs, and to stretch my legs.

When I began my walk in the rain, I was not singing (like Fred Astaire), but I was grumbling to the beast about the rain. I was feeling like it was a cruel punishment to have rain fall on my break, when I was finally free to get outdoors. I was grumbling … significantly.

Then the strangest thing happened, precipitation was continuing at a great pace, but it’s form started to change … to snow! Not just a few tiny flakes either, these were flakes the size of … Frosted Flakes cereal! They were enormous! They were landing, and staying, and accumulating, and fast.

The next part of my walk was effortless, happy and wonder-filled! I was singing, I was trying to catch snowflakes on my tongue (this is so not a good idea for one, such as myself, who is naturally clumsy, while one is walking), I was smiling, and walking at a much faster pace. All of a sudden my dark and depressing environment was changed into a wonderland of beauty, and that changed my internal environment.

As I drove home, smiling broadly, I found myself thinking that my hubby would NOT be excited with the weather change to snow, but he would see it as a curse! Much like how I see the rain.

Which then reminded me of a verse in the Bible. When I got home, I found it:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matthew 5:43-45

I think maybe, other than talking about the sun and rain, the verse is a reminder that we are not called to Christ to live an easier existence, or one of our personal preferences. We are called to live a life of loving the unlovable of our lives … people especially, but also external circumstances as well.

In a way, we need to learn to make lemonade with the lemons we are handed in our life. I wish I had learned this lesson earlier … I might not have had times of feeling hard done by, or stuck. I wonder how some of the sour people and situations in my life might have ended up sweet, like lemonade, if I had been able to look at people and things through the eyes of love (aka. just add sugar).

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From Mundane to Magical

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, Love, The Beast, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Birthday, Break, Deaths, House Cleaning, Hubby, Kids, Magical, Mundane, Passion, Refreshment, Spring, Spring Break on March 26, 2012| Leave a Comment »

As my two week Spring Break comes to a close, I feel refreshed and ready to return to work, and schedules, and earlier mornings (after all there ARE only nine more work days until a four day weekend … but, whose counting? 😉 ). When the break began, all I desired was a weekend away with hubby, regular walks on my favorite trail, and time with each of my kids.

It began slow, well no, it began busy, with a weekend full of activity for both hubby and I (church related). Once hubby’s time off began, four days into mine (really his time off began with him doing a full day of work-related paperwork 😦 ), I finally had time to get much needed groceries. To me, time off is not really time off until we are all off!

I had a delightful luncheon with a dozen lovely ladies, and three coffee dates with some of the sweetest women I know. Moments that refuel and encourage me, as a woman struggling to understand life.

There was the morning (oh yes, the entire morning) of ironing … it had not been done since September … sigh). There was the search for fabric for my daughter, that led to a five hour storage closet cleaning, ten bags of goods to the thrift store, and many giggles by my daughter over the photos of yours truly and hubby way back in the days leading to our wedding. Giggles that led to conversations about life, and hopes, and dreams.

There was a haircut, and lunch with my eldest daughter. There was a lunch and thrift store shopping day with my younger daughter. There was a movie date with my son. Moments with each of my kids, with no other disruptions, refills my momma heart like no other.

There were the deaths of two co-workers moms. There was the death of the fifty year old husband and father of six, two of his daughters are friends of my daughters. Moments that make you thankful for the mercy of another day.

There was more cleaning, and more purging, and more trips to the thrift store to dump another load. Another reminder of how much we have that we do not use, do not need … what I really NEED in my life should last longer than a trend?.

There were walks on my favorite trail. Walks in the sun, the rain, the snow and the hail (and that was just one day!). There were walks with hubby, with our Chinese son, with a daughter, and always with my beastie. Walks that refresh me from the inside out, walks that remind me of my Creator, and how fine His handiwork is.

There was the day of culinary therapy … something that my household was thrilled with the results of! How wonderful to create something(s) that I can watch others take delight in!

Then there was the Passion (Passion 268) concert featuring two great musicians, who led a sold out Rogers Arena in worship to God, and a calling to end human trafficking. Although I am a generation beyond their organizers intended attendee, I was reminded again, that we are all responsible for what we do, or do not do, to end such a horrific thing as use and abuse of fellow human beings.

And then there was my birthday, a delightful day when the sun was bright, and I was celebrated for my thirty-nine (with, now, four years experience) years, by family and friends, near and far.

Somehow, when when hubby and I are busy we function like a well oiled machine, but once the calendar is more cleared, the cracks in our relationship show a need for more oil, more attention, and a going deeper than “what does your day hold?” conversation. This resulted in a beautiful twenty-four hours away, to a beautiful, waterfront Hotel, where we watched the sun set at night, and the horizon lighten in the morning. A good reminder of what we already knew, but life can keep you from if you succumb to it’s demands, that time spent alone, as husband and wife, is the best thing you can do for your kids, for your health, and even for your ability to do your daily work. Lesson learned, and our next getaway is in the planning stages!

It has been a wonderful break. One that has refreshed my body, mind and spirit, refueled me for the days to come, and one that has given me much needed variety and options each and every day.

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Parenting Lessons from a Lion

Posted in FAMILY, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Adoption, Children, Christian, Christian the Lion, Freedom, John and Ace, Letting Go, Proverbs 22, Raising Kids on March 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

We have children for many reasons. For some, it is just what you do. For some, it is an inner desire. For some it is to create a new being out of your love with another person. For some it is to bring joy to our lives. And for some … it just happened.

Once we do have our own children, whatever reasons we had for having them need to disappear, as their desires and wants need to forever trump our own, for the rest of their lives.

The following video shows a clip of a famous (at least Youtube famous) story about two young and impulsive men who purchased a lion cub from Harrods of London many years ago. It tells of how they cared for him, and that the life they gave the cub was, obvious in the video, a joy filled experience. Their decision to raise a lion cub was quite an enormous responsibility, one that they (like us in our quest to have a child), perhaps, had not understood fully when they made that decision.

Now tell me animals do not form bonds, and do not express emotion! What a beautiful reunion of the lion who was chosen raised and saved by the two men who chose to raise, and then let go of the cub, for his own good. Really it was in their letting go of their lion that gave Christian life as he was intended to have it.

Often, as parents, we have a plan for the lives of our children, from even before they are conceived. We hope for their future, we try to protect them from harm, we lead them in directions that we deem best for them. I do believe that the intentions of most of us as parents are pure and good. But, we can be living vicariously through our kids. Or, maybe our kids are hindered to progress in their own lives, because we neglect to let them go.

It is in that letting go that avails us to beautiful reunions, when they chose to return and share with us, as parents, the joys and sorrows of their independent lives. The story of Christian the lion, and, more importantly, the men who purchased him, tells of the joy of giving freedom to those we love.

It is a challenge to let go of our children. It is a challenge to not see them as our possessions … something we hold, and keep to ourselves. It is not a natural thing to let our children go off and live their lives independent of ourselves. But it is in granting that freedom that we allow them to have the greatest success, the greatest freedom to be who they were created to be.

In a second, and last visit of John and Ace to Christian, in Kenya, they reflected on how far ‘their’ lion had come, “he was no longer dependent on any of us, and that was the most wonderful success … John and Ace are convinced that they did the right thing, giving him back his freedom.”

“Point your kids in the right direction—
when they’re old they won’t be lost.”

Proverbs 22:6

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Insecure Source of Devotion

Posted in GOD, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Daughter, Devotions, Ephesians 2, Grace, Insecure Source of Devotion, Insecurity, Peers, School, Sin, Teens on March 8, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Sometimes my mouth has a mind that is completely separated from my brain. This particular day was a good case in point.

I work in a Christian High School (as an Educational Assistant). I also work with students who are in the same grade as my younger daughter, so I get to work in classes with students who I have known (as a mom) since these young adults entered kindergarten. When they were in their grade seven year, I worked in their grade as well, while filling in for a co-worker. I know them better than any other grade I have worked in before, and I feel very privileged to walk through high school (I hope) with them.

Sometimes I feel like mom of the grade, because I know them, and their families quite well. I remember some of the ones who had to be pried from their mom on their first day of school. I remember when they had new siblings born to their families, and when loved ones died. I remember when new students joined the group, when they competed in sports, and when they kept me up until 3am the year my daughter insisted that I invite ALL of the girls in her class to her sleep over birthday party (face palm for me for agreeing to that one). I also remember who was nasty to my kid on the playground, and who wiped her tears. These students are all precious to me.

So, on a particular day, early in the work day, the teacher of the first class I was assigned to be in asked a colleague of mine and I if one of us would lead devotions to her grade nine math class. Before my ears had completed the process of hearing and processing her request, my mouth said, “yes.” When my brain heard my voice, I think it wanted to move out. My pulse started racing, my palms got clammy and I experienced what can only be likened to a hot flash.

But, once I sat in front of this class of students, all that mattered to me was sharing the message that has been on my heart for many years. The message of grace.

Over seven years ago, I was at a school event, talking with two men, one about my age and the other in his eighties. We were just chatting, when the subject of heaven came up. The older man got serious, “Heaven is not for me, I’ve been too bad.” His words took me back … he had grown up in a Christian family, gone to Christian school, gone to church all of his life, and he felt that his place in heaven was dependent on his behaviors. Had he not, in eighty plus years of life, not heard of God’s grace? How many Easter services had he sat in? Didn’t he hear, at least once, that Jesus blood is the atonement (payment) for our sins … ALL of our sins?

So, my impromptu devotion for the morning was about this older man. It was about the grace of God, and how HE covers all of our sins. I was able to tell them if there are pious Christian people who make them FEEL that they are not good enough (because of their clothes, or their hair, or the music they listen to, or what ever other ‘important’ outward expression), they are wrong. The reality is that none of us are “good enough” to pass through the gates of heaven, it is only our acceptance of the gift of forgiveness and grace that God offers through the sacrifice of His son, that we are made good enough. I told them that it was that one message that I want them to take through their lives, and into their eighties. That I do not want them to be at the natural end of their lives and think they are not good enough for heaven.

They were respectfully quiet, I just hope their hearts heard this humbly delivered message, from one who hopes deeply that they believe it. And, if they do, my mouth saying yes when my brain felt too insecure, to sharing a devotion with them will be all worth it.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—
and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God’s handiwork,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
But now in Christ Jesus
you who once were far away have been brought near
by the blood of Christ.
Ephesians 2:8-10, 13

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A Walk with a Wise Girl

Posted in life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged a walk with a wise girl, Choices, decisions, future planning, Life, Parenting, reaising kids on March 7, 2012| Leave a Comment »

On Saturday I was heading out with the beast on a walk, along with my almost fifteen year old daughter. My daughter was telling me of her opinions and decisions on various topics, opinions and decisions that were far more wise than I would have had at her age.

I came home almost giddy! It is not often that, as a parent, you feel any sort of success. Usually, as parents, we feel only failure. This time I was doing my happy dance (now that is quite a mental picture).

Way back when our oldest daughter was a preschooler I heard someone speaking about parenting. This person said it is important to guide your kids towards thinking about, and making decisions BEFORE they are in a position of having to make them. So, when our kids were preschoolers, I would ask them BEFORE we went to purchase a Slurpie what flavor they hoped to get, and why. Doing this alleviated the frustratingly long time it would take them to make a decision, while there were dozens of people waiting in line behind us. Sure they sometimes changed their mind, but, overall, thinking ahead helped their anticipation of what they chose to grow. As they got older we would talk about drug and alcohol use in teens, and they would talk about the possibility of using those substances, and how that might hinder their future goals (another discussion that happens W A Y before grade 12 … more like since they could talk). So, as their peers started experimenting they have known, before peer pressure was involved, what they would choose, and why (this is not a guarantee, but if they have a goal they have chosen, and a reason for choosing it, they then have the intrinsic motivation to make choices, not in the moment, but that help them achieve their goals).

The why is important, because it gives them their own reasons for making decisions. I have always feared that my kids would make important decisions BECAUSE I told them, and so teaching them to think for themselves, set goals for themselves helps to ensure that I am not raising robotic clones.

Now don’t go thinking that I spent my Saturday patting my back. Raising kids is like playing mad scientist with a lab rat. We never know if what we are doing, and teaching, and praying for will actually produce a productive member of society. I am fully aware that even if there was a manual for successful parenting (don’t we wish) our kids still have to make their choices all by themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, she is not perfect, and can still make ridiculous decisions, as any teen (or adult) can. What I do see is that she is pulling through this time of adolescence with wisdom and an end goal as her guides.

And that gives me great hope for her future.

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Ben and Ben

Posted in GOD, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Ben and Ben, Friendship, Kindred Spirits, Little Ben and Big Ben, Matthew 3:17, Son, Tenderness, This is my son on February 27, 2012| Leave a Comment »

A few weeks past we had a group of friends over to watch the Superbowl. It was a fun day of eating (too much), talking, laughing and even a bit of watching the game. One of the families that we had over, has a son named Ben, who is six. We also have a son named Ben, who is twelve.

I love it when ‘Big Ben’ and ‘Little Ben’ (as we call them, and as they call each other) are together. I am not sure what it is about Little Ben that brings out a different side, a sweeter, more nurturing, more patient side of our Big Ben. It is as though there is an invisible force between these two boys that draws them together.

Our Ben wants to play with Little Ben, and is willing to play what Little Ben wants. He also loves to teach Little Ben new things, or show him cool videos. We do tell our older kids, when visitors with younger ones are coming over, to make sure that they feel comfortable and welcomed, but Big Ben’s responses to Little Ben are tender, kind and he is eager to be with him. There is just something ‘kindred’ in how they relate to each other.

Maybe it is that they share a name, or maybe it is that they are both youngest, or maybe it is because they are both the only sons in the family. Whatever it is that brings them together like opposite ends of magnets, I do not know, but I feel energized, encouraged and pleased to see them together.

Seeing Ben and Ben together reminds me that it is not always when we are with our ‘natural’ (similar aged) peers that we shine the brightest. They do not always tap the best in us. They do not always make us better.

As the mom of the bigger Ben, I am so proud of how he treats Little Ben. I am reminded of the good that he can share with others, and I see a glimpse of who he is in the eyes of God. And, in His words, Ben is my (beloved) son, and in him I am well pleased.

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Befuddled Brains

Posted in The Beast, WONDER, tagged Befuddled Brain, Blue Skies, The Beast, Unintelligible Speach, walk on February 23, 2012| 4 Comments »

A good old walk will clear any befuddled brain, and that is what I did when the rain halted, and the sun came out to fill us with it’s energy giving Vitamin D.

I was feeling good, and my beastie at my side was smiling (if you could see her face when we are out for a walk, or, for that matter when she hears the word WALK, you too would agree that she is smiling … but, I digress). The sky was actually a beautiful bright blue, a nice change from the shades of gray that we normally face here on the ~~Wet Coast during monsoon season~~ West Coast during winter.

I knew my brain was befuddled, because I kept making errors in my responses to people, as we walked. As one couple passed and said something complimentary about my beastie (which caused swelling of her head to the point that I had to grease her head just to get her back in the van … but, I digress), to which I replied, “oh, she thinks she is a laptop.” A laptop? Seriously? I had meant a LAP DOG, but that is not what came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, I did not realize my error of words until they were too far gone in the other direction for me to correct myself. I wonder how far they had gone before they realized what I had said? I wonder if they called emergency services to report a weirdo on the trail?

The walk was full of people with smiles on their faces, drinking in the sun and warm breezes. Most were shouting out happy greetings, and all commenting on the beauty of the day. This is a West Coast survival technique. It could have been raining for a month straight, but as soon as the sun comes out, so do all the people, smiling and declaring how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place, and that we do not have to deal with snow. I believe there is a psychological diagnosis here, waiting to happen (I’m betting that there are more prescriptions filled in the lower mainland for Prozac than the rest of snowy Canada combined! Again, I digress).

So, as I am passing happy person, after happy person, and to one I initiate a greeting, “good morning.” And in those two words, I have let it be known that I have, indeed, lost it. It is four in the afternoon! Sure one could make a mistake at one o’clock with saying good morning, but no, I did so a good four hours into the afternoon. What was worse was that I felt I needed to correct myself, but my verbal language skills were so lacking that I just sounded like I was speaking another language. I am sure the poor person kept walking, faster than before our chance encounter, figuring that I was on drugs! I began to question whether or not I might have had a stroke … but, alas unintelligible speech was my only symptom.

Sigh … this is why we frail human beings need to own a beast. They cannot understand more than three words (walk, eat, treat) in English, and they love us … in spite of our befuddled brains.

Maybe next time I will just let the beastie do the talking.

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Valentines Day … Together

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged Chocolates, Committment, Flowers, Hubby, Lingerie, Love, Most Important Things, Scars, Together, Valentine's Day on February 14, 2012| Leave a Comment »

“Being saddled with someone can leave you chafed.”
Carole Wheaton

Although a certain hubby would prefer his bride leave him out of her blog posts, I happen to know that she is also a woman who prides herself on utilizing forgiveness over permission. So, that said, I (not so humbly) apologize, hubby.

This is the twenty-third Valentines Day that hubby and I will celebrate together. We have had more Valentine’s Days together than apart. There is rarely the exchange of chocolate, only periodic giving of flowers, a rare dinner out on the 14th of February, not even many purchases of lingerie. There is always an “I love you” exchanged, always kissing (oups! I forgot to warm the kids not to read this one), and … well … you know, a sharing of affection 😉 And, all of this is very comfortable for us both, as I hate the exaggerated prices for the traditional gifts of this season, and hubby hates the pressure that the day applies to his creatively challenged mind.

After ALL these years, I would have to say that Valentine’s Day IS comfortable for us both. Our expectations of the day are the same as any day … we awake (and say good morning to each other), have coffee together (and ask about each others day), we work (and either text or email at least once to each other), our family has dinner together (and we each take joy in the family that we can share), we end the day (with a kiss … well, with AT LEAST a kiss 😉 ).

If this were our last Valentine’s Day together, it is the ‘together’ that we would each miss most the following Valentine’s Day, and every day that follows our last day together. It is not flowers, or diamonds, or tickets to that ‘thing’ he (or she) wants to go to, or chocolate even, it is the TOGETHER that we would most yearn for.

Together is priceless, it cannot be duplicated, and it can only be achieved by the two who are one.

I was (tearfully) reminded of this reality recently as I read a friends cheerful post to wish her hubby : “happy birthday to the love of my life…the BIG 50!!!! What a day.” Her husband is suffering with cancer, and, without a divine miracle (and I do believe in divine miracles, as does she and her family) this will be the last birthday that they will share together … the last Valentine’s Day that they will share. I can confidently say that she will not be expecting flowers or chocolate. I do expect that she and he will look into each others eyes and share, without words even, the look of committed love that spans a life of love, and struggle, and children, and marriages, and awakening each day … together.

Being saddled with someone CAN leave you chafed, but it is the long term scarring of being so close together that creates love scars that we cherish the most.

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