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No Guilt Allowed!

Posted in GOD, life, WONDER, tagged #galations5, #guiltfreezone, #noguiltallowed, Guilt on August 6, 2014| 6 Comments »

It is everywhere. It is given, it is received. It comes in different forms, and from different sources.There are opportunities everywhere to find it, and if you cannot find it … it will find you! But where can one go to escape the inescapable … guilt!

Maybe families? Hum, I don’t think so. As a mom, we know all about guilt … both receiving it and handing it out! We cannot seem to forgive ourselves for every failure of our kids, from them not being toilet trained at six months to their decision to work and not go to university on full scholarship. On the other hand, we also hand it out … from telling our preschoolers that we will cry if they don’t do as we wish, to asking our adult children if they forgot our phone number. So, I guess families are not a guilt-free zone.

Maybe schools? Hum, I don’t think so. Schools, their staff and students, are pretty liberal in the giving and receiving of guilt. Teaches tell students that they are not trying hard enough, and parents tell teachers they need to work harder to make ‘Johnny’ succeed, since they do not even have to work in the summer. So, I guess schools are not a guilt-free zone.

Maybe at your kids recreational activities? Hum, I don’t think so. Everyone with kids involved in activities from sports to music to arts to drama knows that ‘parent participation’ is the motto! And if you are not participating, when you arrive to bring ‘Sally’ to her martial arts class … all eyes will be on you! And, by the time you leave you will feel as though you are worthless! Of course if you are very active in your kids activities, there’s the finger pointing guilt-laden accusations that ‘you are at the top of the food chain, and you better run this club, group, committee well. And if you are the instructor, or coach every weakness of ‘Jimmy’ is your fault, because you are being paid, or simply because you are teaching them. So, I guess recreational activities are not a guilt-free zone.

Maybe when you are shopping? Hum, I don’t think so. I’ve certainly had times where I have heard an irate customer verbally go up one side of an employee, and down the other … all because the store has sold out on an item! I’ve also had the experience of a cashier giving me the wrong change, or ringing in an item incorrectly, and when I mention it to them, they look at me like I have ruined, not only their day, but their entire existence! So, I guess shopping is not guilt free! (and I didn’t even mention the guilt of making a purchase, and how you feel uneasy (guilty) about telling your hubby or wifey. Or the guilt of purchasing the chocolate bar. Or, heck, I know what ‘change room’ guilt is … try squeezing me and all my cellulite into a bathing suit! … but, I digress).

Maybe at your place of worship? Hum, I don’t think so. There are expectations (written and not … but mostly unwritten) that when you join a church, you will be involved. And some seem to think that means involved in everything, from cleaning the building, to teaching a class, to feeding the poor, to singing in the choir, to hosting a group … and what your gifts are (or there lack of) don’t even matter! On the other hand, if you are a leader or clergy in a place of worship every decision you make, every word you speak can be responded to with ‘you are out of touch with the congregation’. So, I guess places of worship are not a guilt-free zone.

Maybe when you are eating? Ha! Ha! Ha! Do I really have to expand here? I d o n ‘ t t h i n k s o !

But, there is one completely guilt-free zone … it is relationship with God. He never demands, never expects, never gives you ‘that look’. And when you or I fail, or forget, or just don’t do what we maybe should have done, or said … He doesn’t turn away from us. He is always waiting … for us. It is for our freedom, that God sent His Son. And thank goodness … He is a guilt-free zone!

“Christ has set us free to live a free life.

So take your stand!

Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you”

Galations 5:1

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The Theme of The Best Stories is Always ….

Posted in GOD, life, tagged #isaiah43:1, #summerreading, #thethemeofthebeststoriesisalsways, Books, Reading, Redemption on August 5, 2014| 2 Comments »

Summer is a time to think about sun, surf and reading a good book (and chocolate … like that is different from any other season).

I have a chosen reading list 🙂 Yes, I chose them all … last year, when I only read one book! It was obviously a very dry summer! So, the pile of books has been awaiting my attention for over a year now, just inside my closet doors. And I am determined that this summer, no matter how busy, I will take the time to read.

Reading is not something that I have loved since childhood. As a matter of fact, I can only remember reading one or two books, from cover to cover, as a child. It wasn’t until I was about thirty (when I was still young) that I picked up my first fictional novel to read … and when I had finished it, in less than twenty-four hours, I was hooked! So I read everything that author wrote, and then started on another author, and another, and another.

Then I started to read books that my kids were reading, because I had never read them as a child. Books like the Narnia stories, by C.S. Lewis, and Little Women, and Anne of Green Gables, and Tom Sawyer, and Captain Underpants (obviously, I love my son … but it is brilliant, in a boy-sorta way).

I was transported to places all over the world. I was able to live in the past, the present and the future. I was to laugh, to cry and to sigh. I felt emotions while reading that made me feel that I was living in the story. I could pick up a book, and escape the mundane of a regular day for the magical of the story within it’s covers.

The books I have read and loved, from various eras, various age ranges, various genres, all have one thing in common. This one part of each of my best loved reads is the glue that makes the story stick, it makes the story timeless, it makes the story sell.

This glue is the theme of the story, and it is one which will sell a book, or a movie. It is one that makes people recommend it, and re-read it. It is one that makes a simple grouping of words on a page (paper or electronic) a best seller. This glue is the theme of redemption.

Redemption is the act of deliverance, or rescue or salvation.

Maybe this theme sells because, in our busy, guilt-ridden, demanded upon lives, what we innately desire most is rescue. Maybe it provides that thing which we all need to survive … hope.

But maybe, it is also a great sell because, we are born with a need to be rescued, delivered, saved … redeemed. Maybe, just maybe, every fiber of our human being needs to be redeemed. Maybe we seek it in our literature, in our movies, in our jobs, in our families, because we cannot truly live without it. And, if we innately seek it out in our lives, it must be there for us to us to receive … just as our whole body struggles for air to breath, to live, and it is there.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1b

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Beauty out of the Dust

Posted in GOD, WONDER, tagged #beautifulthings, #beautyoutofthedust, Dust, GOD, gungor, Redemption on August 4, 2014| 1 Comment »

I HATE dust!

It makes me sneeze, it makes me cough, it makes my breathing labored, and … it is dirty! I just do not like it. The only thing that is good about dust is how you feel once you’ve showered AFTER being covered with it … it is then that you are truly aware of what it is to be clean, to be cleansed, to be freed from the dust of the ground.

Dust is a given for me when I garden. Our house is built on land once known as ‘sand hill’, and it was appropriately named! I remember digging up top soil to build a sandbox in our back garden. Once that was removed, I already had a sandbox, without the box …

I love to garden! It is an opportunity to work with beauty, or at least beauty imagined 🙂 My daughter gets frustrated with me when I garden, because I have gardening ADD … I easily get bored with where I put my plants, and move them around frequently … often before they really reach the pinnacle of their intended beauty (okay so maybe it has more to do with my lack of patience …).

But, when I garden (or cook, or paint, or clean the house … or move from one room to another …) I get really, really, really messy with whatever I touch. I am sort of like a toddler on steroids! All I have to do is make one step out of my door, and I’m a visual wreck! And, by the end of the day, there is not a bit of my body (you should see the dirt and foliage that falls from my unmentionables!) that has not been ‘dusted’ by my surroundings! I look (and smell) like a living dust cloud … like Pig Pen from the Snoopy comics. And, when I blow my nose, at the end of a gardening session, well the ‘outcome’ is a sticky, dirty black mess of goo (too much information?).

Some days, I feel as though my life is dust. I am dry, and there is simply nothing good happening. It can even seem as though all I do is make life for others miserable, like dust that makes me sneeze and cough. Sometimes it seems as though my purpose has dried up, and that there are no longer any signs of life.

It is interesting to me that at a solemn event like a burial, dust comes up. The phrase “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” is a common part of the burial rites, and is said to have been ‘inspired’ from Genesis 3:19, which reads, “You were made out of the ground. And you will return to it. You are dust. So you will return to it.” Those are NOT encouraging words for me … I HATE dust! If my beginning and my end, on this earth (pun intended ) are as dust … well, that is just not satisfying. I mean really, what is dust, but something to be washed away?

And, washed away it will be … one day. As I am, I am just dust. And those ‘dust-like’, dried up, miserable days, they are reminders that, on my own, I am just someone who needs a shower, a bath, to be cleansed. And, once the cleansing, life-giving, hydrating waters have flowed over, and under and through me, until the dust that I am is gone, and the water that refreshes me has taken over and is all that can be seen …

then I am a beautiful thing,

a living thing …

not because of anything that I could ever do,

but because of what God has done with the dust that I am.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the human heart;

yet no one can fathom what God has done

from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

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Mt Baker from Two Perspectives

Posted in GOD, Nature/Creation, WONDER, tagged #mtbakerfromtwoperspectives, #psalm121, #wonder, Overwhelming on July 23, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I was eager to see Mt. Baker again. The day before it was magical! The sky was a cloudless blue, and it’s snow cover was glistening white. When I see Baker, my spirit says, “I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from?”

Baker is a beauty from many vantage points in our area. But one of my favorites is the view I see as I am on the ‘return’ of my trail walks. It’s view is one that energizes me to reach my halfway point, and preoccupies my mind (from my aching muscles and joints) as I am on my return. Every day that I see it, it looks different, and the anticipation of seeing it’s sights is like a child’s eagerness to open Christmas presents.

But, as I drove down the road, I was experiencing an overwhelming sense of … overwhelming. And I was seeking the wonder of Baker to lift my spirits.

It had been a very busy, a very people-filled day (this is not a bad thing, but fatiguing for those of us who are more introvert than extrovert), and my cup was bone dry.

So, as I drove to my favorite trail, down by the river, with my favorite beast I ‘cried out’ … I just needed head-cleaning.

Now, there were no tears, there was no wailing, no gnashing of teeth, just a moaning, a groaning of my heart …

“to the river”

“slow my mind”

“I need grace”

“I need a refuge”

“I feel so weak”

“I feel so dry, so empty”

“protect me”

These words of my groaning heart made no sense, were not moaned in any special order … they were just the raw cries of my weary heart.

Then a song started on the radio, and I heard it … all. The aching cries of my heart were being responded to … on the radio.

I immediately made an iTunes purchase. I was now even more eager to see the beautiful Mt. Baker … for I was already experiencing a sense of wonder.

The beast and I parked, peed (she, not me) and I set my phone on repeat. Then we walked, and I listened, and listened, and listened. I was in awe at how every time I heard the song, another of my groans was

related to … responded to … heard.

And Baker … she was a spectacular, fully unwrapped gift.

And even in ‘it’ … a pile of stone … my groans were heard.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.”

Psalm 121

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Entertaining an Angel

Posted in canada, FAMILY, GOD, life, The Hubby, The Kids, women, WONDER, tagged #angelsunaware, #entertaininganangel, #pregnancyloss, Angels, Comfort, Life on July 22, 2014| 5 Comments »

Sometimes … the past comes back to haunt, and once in a while … it comes back to soothe and reassure.

It was a sunny, warm spring day. Hubby and I had packed our modern picnic lunch (also known as fast food, picked up en route to the park), and were heading to a local park with our 20’ish month old daughter.

We drove until we found a park that we had not been to before (and I do not remember ever returning to again). The park was large, with a soccer field and baseball diamond towards the back. Parking was at the front, near the street. Also, towards the front was a small playground area with swings, and a sandbox. And near the playground were just a few picnic tables and benches.

Our daughter was very eager to get to the sandbox … we were very eager to eat our fast food picnic lunch, before the hot and crisp fries became cold and flopsy. And so, she played, and we ate … all of us enjoying the respite that a park provides.

And then, there she was …

A little girl had arrived at the sandbox, seemingly out of nowhere. She was a blond pre-schooler, who seemed older than her years. As quickly as she appeared, she befriended our daughter, and the two of them played, in the sandbox and on the swings, as though they had known each other all of their lives.

As we enjoyed watching their play with each other, we finally realized that this delightful little girl did not seem to have an adult with her. When we asked her who she was there with she pointed to the baseball game, happening towards the back of the park, and said, “they’re over there.” Although we thought it odd for her parents to allow her to be so far from them, at such a young age, we felt we had no alternative, but to believe her.

The two girls sat on the swings, and we responded to their requests to push them. As hubby and I pushed, we marveled at how the two looked so similarly, they could be sisters. Their blond hair swaying in the breeze, and their blue eyes shining with delight, their contagious giggles. Why, they could be … sisters …

And it hit us both … they could be sisters. They looked so much alike, their age difference … why that delightful little girl could be the same age as our first baby, who had never made it to live with us.

It had happened over three years before. At four months into our first pregnancy … the baby, our first baby, died (this wasn’t to be our first such loss, as over the years it was to happen four more times). We never knew the gender of that child, but we had named it, to provide for ourselves some bit of identity. We had decided on the name Alison, because it could be a boy, or a girl’s name. The name is an old one, meaning noble or truth.

The two girls continued to play happily, until it was time for us to leave.

Then we asked the little girl her name … and she smiled at us, and replied, “Alison.”

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Creation Calls Me to Believe

Posted in GOD, Nature/Creation, WONDER, tagged #creationcallsmetobelieve, #ibelieve, #keeplooking, #wonder, Creation, Life, nature on July 21, 2014| 10 Comments »

I actively look to see what I can learn from all created around me. If you have read enough of my posts, you will know that I am a dreamer, I am terribly immature, and I love wonder (like I love chocolate … and that is saying something). I hope that, when I die, I am even more of a dreamer, more immature, and that I can even see the wonder in the leaving of this Earth for my Foreverland.

The photo to the right is of a pond I frequently walk past with my beast (either beast #1 … the dog, or beast #2 … the hubby). One day, as I glanced towards the pond, I could see something in it … moving (and no, it wasn’t a bear). Upon investigation (and much squinting), I saw that it was a beaver. It glided beautifully along the water, then … flop … with a flap of it’s tail, it submerged. I was delighted with my ‘find’, which now gave further significance to the fallen tree a bit beyond the pond.

This was about a month ago, and I still look to that pond, every time I pass, for Mr. Beaver. I keep looking, because he showed himself to me once, and now I know he is there … somewhere.

Along my walks I also frequently see horses in a field. Their grace and beauty bring me to a place of awe, every time I see them! But sometimes … most times that I pass their field, I do not see them. Still, because I have seen them in the past, I know they are there, so I keep looking.

Along my walk I also get beautiful, jaw-dropping views of local mountains, that even I can snap a great picture of. They NEVER look the same, because the amount of snow changes, and the sun shining on them, from different angles changes their appearance. But some days (really, if you look at the 365 days of a year, it is most days) they are covered by clouds, and they cannot be seen at all. That fact does not mean I do not still look for them. I always look for them, because I know they are there … just hidden from view.

One day I saw something I had not seen before (and did NOT want to see any day). A snake (ewie)! And I guarantee you, I will be looking for him EVERY time I am on that part of the path, because I know he is there (and he is waiting for me. I looked back over my shoulders for at least a mile after seeing this guy, certain that he was creeping up behind me like Fred Flintstone … but I digress). I have seen him, once, and now I will be watching.

The beaver in the pond, made me consider how God, and his comfort, are not clearly, obviously, in your face visible every moment of every day. But, if you have ever known His comfort, His presence, His answers, in your life, you know He is there. Sometimes He is there in a piece of music, or a hug from a friend, or in falling rain, or an eagle soaring in the sky, or a buttercup, or … a beaver in the pond.

And, I think the message might be … keep looking. He has revealed Himself in the past, He is there/here … keep looking. Because it is in looking for Him, when we do not expect to see Him, that we are enabled to BELIEVE.

Music moves me, and, the first time I heard the following song, on a day when tears were leaking from my eyes, I was moved by how the lyrics spoke the words of my heart. And I pray, because I have seen Him in the past, I will die saying, just like a child, I believe …

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I Wonder, as I Wander

Posted in GOD, Nature/Creation, WONDER, tagged #blessingandcurse, #iwonderasiwander, #wonder, GOD, nature, walking on July 16, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I know I experience beauty.

I know I experienced joy.

I know I experienced peacefulness.

And, I KNOW I experienced … WONDER.

I know this from a day off I had one spring day. It was on my favorite trail, with my favorite beast (next to hubby), on a SUNNY day (I got a tan … I was beginning to think I would turn green with mold, before I would turn golden brown), enjoying every step I took.

And I really mean that I was enjoying every step I took. Now, most of the time, my walks are walks with a purpose (jiggle the cellulite into submission), but this particular day, I felt compelled, no, insisted upon, by someone much greater, to just enjoy the journey … and so I did. And it was wonderfilled!

There was the dandelion, gone to seed …

How is it that something that, when in flower, can cause me such frustration on my own lawn (and disaster once it’s gone to seed on my lawn), can bring me back to sunny childhood days, when future planning, and dreaming was only a breath away?

Or the tree, bent over right to the ground …

How could such a strong and beautifully created thing, looking so hopeless, from the strong winds of life, still live, and show signs not just of blossoms, but of new life in it’s leaves?

Or the bright, beautiful blackberry blossoms …

How could something so beautiful, so eye-catching (and foretelling of the juicy, sweet berries to come) also be so damaging to the wetlands, to other plants and trees, to streams that it’s ‘mother plant’ drinks dry?

Or the beaver …

How could such a visually adorable, brilliant builder, who really knows how to sink his teeth into his work, be so destructive to forests?

I learned that day that things are not always what they seem. That beauty and evil can be in the same place. That blessing and curse can be wrapped up in the same package. And, maybe even, that good can even come from something that also is, or seems to be, evil.

Ah, so much to wonder …

“I wonder,

as I wander,

out under the sky”

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Holy, Holy, Holy

Posted in GOD, WONDER, tagged #holyholyholy, #wonder, Church, GOD on June 26, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I wrote this on a Sunday, three years ago!

It has been many weeks of ‘church visiting’. Hubby has been away from his ministry position, on sabbatical, since mid-February. And, my easily bored, need for the adrenaline rush of anything ‘new’, undiagnosed ADD personality has thrived with all of this change and variety!

I have been to amazing churches that have made us feel welcomed, transported my mind to heaven, and taught about spiritual things … kind of sounds like how ‘Woodstock’ has always been described to me 😉 (there was not stripping at ANY of the churches I visited … just for the record, after my Woodstock comparison).

And today, like the rest, left me feeling well fed (ah, the story of my life). But, not just well-fed … if left me, us, feeling nurtured.

We originally chose the church we went to today, because our son has a friend who attends there, but, he and his family were not there today. We were greeted warmly by people we knew, and by people we did not. There was a line up to enter the church! (when does that happen?) The worship music was not spectacular, but it was good. The message was not spectacular, but it too was good. There was a ‘family feel’ in the place, but not a blood-relation-family-feel … (although, as Christians, it is a blood relation … from the events of Good Friday), so much as a we-chose-to-be-a-family-family-feel.

Maybe, for me, the morning was solidified as good, when we sang an old hymn from, well, forever-ago! I remember singing it EVERY Sunday as a prelude … my friends and I would mock it, because we were so familiar with it … singing it with our faces contorting as though we were singing opera. We HATED it! (I admit, I LOVE ‘classic’ hymns … not all though, some should be filed … permanently. And I love the new worship music … but if it is 10 years old … it is not longer ‘new’ for me)

But now, as an old church lady … (okay, so maybe I’m not quite a ‘lady’ yet), when I hear it, when I sing it … the tears flow as though it is my whole being … heart, mind, body and soul, singing to my creator what I was was created to sing … praises, and confessions, and, once again reminders that the God who reigns, always has been, and will forever be, praised by all that He has created. And that, is not dependent just on my will to sincerely praise Him, because I was created to praise Him, as all of His creation will praise Him.

I was good to go to the house of God, and to feel part of something bigger … just because I showed up … and He did the rest.

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Things that Steal the Wonder from my Day

Posted in Nature/Creation, WONDER, tagged Beast, Change, dog, Future, Hatred, Language., Life, Profanity, walk, Women, Wonder on June 18, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Oh, I so love to wonder! (like you didn’t know that by now)

But, once in a while, I come across a thing (like snakes ... well, most of the time), or a place (like the dentist’s office), or an event that really steals the wonder from my day.

One day, while walking in the beautiful sun, with my beast, Shiloh, I walked by two women. One woman was pushing an infant (I peeked, and ‘it’ was definitely an infant) in a stroller, and the other walking along side of them.

They looked to be mid-late twenties, attractive, and nicely dressed (I noticed all of this because I am a female, and WE notice EVERYTHING about people). But, they didn’t notice my beast (everyone notices my beast, she is a beauty. When we walk, she makes eye contact with everyone, looking for positive attention … she hears, “oh, pretty puppy” so often, I have had to push her into the van after the walk, due to the swelling of her head … but I digress). I do not think they noticed me either, but that is not uncommon, as I walk with a beast who gets all the attention.

Just as my beast and I were passing the trio, the lady (?) pushing the stroller, says to her friend, ” … and I said, that was F#@$ing rude …”

Ouch! My ears were hurting. Then I thought of the the infant in the stroller, and my heart was aching for him/her (no color definition in the child’s clothing to indicate the gender). I may be a purist, but a new little bundle should not start life hearing such cold language. Man, what will that child hear (at home) when the ‘newness’ of infant becomes the ‘awkwardness’ of adolescence, or the independence of teenage?

Sadly, I expect more of the same. And as I walked by, feeling the sense of wonder of nature, and of life ebb from my being, I also predict that the child, sleeping peacefully in his/her stroller, may grow up hearing such caustic-ness directed ‘towards’ him/her.

I felt deflated! I felt angry! I felt violated!

What I felt most was a desire to turn around, catch up with the classy-looking ‘ladies’ and give them a piece of my mind!

But, instead, shoulders hanging low, I prayed. I prayed that God would inject, as only He can, himself into the life of that child, and the lives of those two women. I prayed that the child would never hear such nastiness, at home, when he/she is old enough to mimic what is heard.

Then, I prayed for forgiveness. I may not use the same word I heard from that lady on the path (I tell my kids that only people who have no creativity of language use such words, so loosely, and that I know they are creative people, so I expect more from them). But, my kids have surely heard the same cold, hard, unrighteous anger from me.

That day on the path reminded me that if wonder is so important to me, then I need to be more conscious to not steal it from those around me with my words … and my attitude.

“Watch the way you talk.

Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth.

Say only what helps, each word a gift.

Don’t grieve God.

Don’t break his heart.

His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you,

is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself.

Don’t take such a gift for granted.

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk.

Be gentle with one another, sensitive.”

Ephesians 4:29-31 (Message)

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This is your Life

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, women, WONDER, tagged Aging, Change, Future, Life, Sleep, Tale, Wonder on June 13, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I love music. I love Bach, Johnny Cash, U2, Ella Fitzgerald, Starfield, Elton John, Louis Armstrong, Taylor Swift, Casting Crowns, Ennio Marricone, Coldplay, ABBA, Paolo Nutini, Michael Buble, TobyMac, Adele, and this list is truly just a tip of my music loves iceberg!

Music speaks to me, it challenges, moves, and teaches me. I love the visuals that can be created in it’s combination of lyrics and music. I love the emotions that a song can bring out. I love how, out of nowhere a song can ‘pop’ into my mind, and be mulled over for hours, as though it was ‘placed’ there, just for me, like a lovingly wrapped gift. I hate songs that speak lies, I love songs that speak truth.

This morning I have had a song in my mind, ‘placed’ there, I am certain.

It is a song called “This is your Life”, by Switchfoot. Some of the lyrics are:

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you’ve got now
yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
don’t close your eyes
don’t close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over

don’t close your eyes

Now, maybe I awoke with it in my head because I slept miserably last night (‘don’t close your eyes‘).

Or, maybe it is because I recently celebrated a birthday … like three months ago (‘this is your life, are you who you want to be, this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be‘).

Maybe it is because this weekend I was chatting with my eldest daughter about my memories of childhood (‘yesterday is a kid in the corner’ … pretty much sums up my entire childhood, so now you know what I was like as a kid!).

Maybe it’s because today is my last day of classes with students (‘today is all you’ve got now’).

Or maybe it is playing in my mind because I awoke in a rather melancholy mood (‘this is your life and today is all you’ve got now yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have‘).

I expect it’s a combination of all of the above, but, today, it might be more of the last. Now today is not all that bad, but with the combination of lack of sleep, end of the school year, thinking of years past, a kind of recent birthday AND melancholy I’m really not excited that today (more this present season of life, than this ‘day’) is all I’ve got, and all I’ll ever have. This season is one of realizing that there are parts of my life that just simply are so far from where I want them to be.

As an obsessive compulsive person when it comes to planning into the future, today my future looks far more fuzzy than I would like. To use more song lyrics, I prefer an outlook where ‘the future’s so bright I gotta wear shades’. And it’s not that it’s an all doom and gloom forecast of the future, it is simply that I cannot see anything. And I’m an ‘inquiring mind, and inquiring minds need to know’ (more indicators of my age).

Maybe the real reason this song is in my mind is that, despite my melancholy mood, despite the lack of sleep, despite my aging body, despite the end of Spring Break, despite the fact that not all childhood memories are sweetness and light, and even despite the fact the promises get broken, and the future is unknown, I’ve been given this day, and if I don’t close my eyes, I might find a bit of wonder laying in my path.

AND, by the way, there are NO wrinkles on this forehead! See, at my age, that is something to wonder about 😉

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