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Downcast?

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #asadeerpants, #downcast, #mysoullongsforyou, #psalm42 on July 23, 2019| Leave a Comment »

Like an unexpected, fast moving storm cloud, threatening to rain down torrents of water and even hail, I was growing increasingly disturbed within my soul.

It was a sunny, warm summer’s day, with nary a cloud in the sky, a demand on my time, yet …

I kept asking of myself,

why am I downcast?

I could think of a conversation that didn’t quite go the way I had hoped. I could think of situations in my life that were not where I desire them to be. But …

why such
disturbance within me?

As I asked the questions over and over, I realized they were questions asked by the Psalmist.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?”
Psalm 42:11a

Psalm 42 is one of the laments of the Psalms. These laments give us permission (maybe even direction) to be downcast, disturbed within our souls. They remind us that the human condition is not all wine and roses.

This particular lament from the Psalms is an interesting one, indeed. A song sung by the Sons of Korah, the descendants of those who died when the earth opened up and swallowed them for their dissension against Moses and Aaron’s leadership (Numbers 26:8-11). These musicians … they personally understood lament … but they also personally knew of God’s offering of grace and mercy.

David knew of these as well. His life was a testimony to the grace and mercy of the God who looked on him as a man after his own heart (1 Samuel 13:14).

This Psalm, starts out so very peaceful, delightful.

“As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.”

Then the lamenting continues for much of the following eleven verses, interspersed with acknowledgements of examples of when Gods protection and presence were keenly felt and experienced. It is as though there is this zigzag of self talk, or, in my imagination the Psalmist is dealing with an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, each fighting for the attention of downcast one.

Why am I downcast,
oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

I found the answer to my question the day following that downcast day. The Wonderdog and I went for a walk around out neighborhood. I have been discovering new trails this summer that go throughout wooded areas, where we are shaded from the sun and where the walk is more quiet, more relaxing. It was more hot than I realized and we were both soon hot and dehydrated.

When we arrived home, I poured a glass of water for myself and replenished the water in the Wonderdog’s bowl. As it was filling I was pretty certain that his panting was making the entire room vibrate. He couldn’t wait to get to that bowl of refreshing water.

And that was when I realized that I had been reading the first verse wrongly.

“As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.”

This isn’t a peaceful image at all. This is the image of a creature (the deer, ourselves) desperate for refreshment, panting, struggling for breath from being so parched. The creature does not stop until it finds the streams of water … the only thing that would bring true refreshment.

In the same way we are desperate for God, the only one who can truly, completely refresh us. We often know that we are parched, but we seek to refresh ourselves with anything but God. We go to entertainment, food, relaxation, activities, pampering, to friends or family or even to church thinking that if we are renewed physically, mentally, socially, or even theologically we will no longer thirst.

But there is only one who quenches this thirst in our souls, and it is the one who formed them. It is our souls cry for us to be satisfied in God alone.

We benefit from lamenting, but we also need to remember the grace and mercy of better days, when our panting was met with refreshment.

“A lot of times my tendency is to go into a depression looking into myself which only spirals me further down. The song is meant to preach to myself and call me to remember the times when I experienced the glory and goodness of God which can help bounce me out of that vicious cycle. It’s meant to get my eyes off of me and be satisfied in God alone.” Brian Eichelberger

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The Song in our Hearts

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #intimacywithgod, #notalone, #psalm139, #thesonginourhearts on July 18, 2019| Leave a Comment »

Sitting in a coffee shop recently a song came on and my fingers froze on the keyboard, my eyes lifted up from my screen and I could feel that uncontrollable smile form across my face. It was the song Unforgettable by Nat King Cole.

Unforgettable
That’s what you are,
Unforgettable
Tho’ near or far.
Like a song of love that clings to me …

I had a similar experience sitting in a church sanctuary, awaiting the start of a memorial. As I was reading the life story of the deceased, the pianist played Your Song, by Elton John and my attention was fully and completely on the words that were going through my head.

Oh I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do
My gift is my song
And this one’s for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

What is it that causes a song to so reach into our being that we stop what we are doing and thinking, just to hear it more clearly … even though we know it so very well?

Within all humans is a natural beat, which we all walk to, within the confines of our chest and it courses throughout our bodies, from head to toes. Our heartbeat has a rhythm of it’s own and we are moved when we hear our own heartbeat in the heartbeat of another’s song. That reminder that another feels as we do, that we are not alone.

That is what I think Psalm 139 is all about. Here are a few of the first verses:”

“You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely”

In this an intimate knowledge of the psalmist, by his Creator, is acknowledged. In this is not only the intimacy of the Creator acknowledged, but also declared … as though the psalmist had made a conscious realization that he is not alone … as though one day the lightbulb came on, and the psalmist was stopped in an instant when he heard his own heartbeat … in the heartbeat of God.

Our father sings the song of our heartbeat,

telling us that we are never alone.

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To Know and Be Known

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #newbie, #newgirl, #toknowandbeknown on July 16, 2019| Leave a Comment »

There’s that verse … the one about a prophet not being accepted in his hometown (Luke 4:24). That may be true, but at least someone knows their name.

The writers of the TV series, Cheers, had it right about humanity in the lyrics of their theme song:

“Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
The troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name”

I admit that I have always gotten a surge of adrenaline when I encounter a new setting. That is … until more recently. Now I find walking into a new setting, with new people rather daunting. I struggle with having to push myself into circles, conversations and volunteering at events. I struggle with having no one know my name.

There is a passage of Isaiah 43 (v. 1-3) that I have … paraphrased a bit, for times when I am struggling with being the new kid, in whatever situation I might be:

“Right now, this is what the Lord says …
Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through the doors of
a new job,
a new church,
a new family,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the crowd of strangers,
who don’t seem to want to get to know you,
this will not destroy you.
When you walk in, shaking in your boots,
you will be okay;
keep going, it’s the only way to build a new future.
And remember, I am the Lord your God,
and I know your name.”
Isaiah 43:1-3

Cliche it may seem, but what lies ahead is far greater than anything we leave behind … but we have to keep moving forward … ’til we are in a place where it seems that everyone knows our name.

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Annual Summer Investment

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #annualsummerinvestment, #sendakidtocamp, #summercamp on July 14, 2019| 2 Comments »

Have you ever been to summer camp?

A friend of mine posted a pic of her son, the other day. He was standing in front of a big yellow bus, with a big smile, all ready to head off to a week of summer camp.

For some summer camp is a one time event, for others it is the annual place of residence. Of our three children one never had any interest, in any way. The second went a number of times, even taking a Leadership in Training course one summer. The third … well, he is now on year number twelve, in a row, and has been everything from a camper, to work crew to paid staff (on and off season).

For those who have loved summer camp, it can be such a formative place and experience in the life of a child and teen.

Once each summer I visit the Christian camp that our son is connected to and I volunteer in the kitchen. Helping the paid kitchen staff, I get to be in the belly of the camp, assisting in the making of and serving up nutrition, love and humor … all so helpful on those hot summer days of activities.

This past week I did something that I had not taken the time to do in years past. I went to a morning chapel, sang songs with actions and listened to the speaker of the week.

I laughed, was entertained and even had to dab the tears forming in the corners of my eyes. It was a group of over one hundred and fifty kids, volunteers and staff. Some had been hearing the Gospel message since they were still in the womb, others had never before heard of one who would die for them.

Earlier in the week I was speaking to one of the office staff. She was sharing stories of children who were able to go to camp because of a grandparent, a fundraiser, unknown individuals who sponsored children to have this summer camp experience. She told about calls from social workers and others who work with children, children for whom this one week in the summer is their exceptional week … where they are fed, are safe and able to play … like a child.

Take it from me, even if you have never been to summer camp, it is well worth it to donate toward a child going to camp. If you are a follower of Christ, I implore you to consider this as an annual investment … it could pay eternal dividends.

We are the voice in the desert …
And we are the laborers in your vineyard,
Declaring the word of the Lord
Robin Mark

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Loneliness Happens

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #lonelinesshappens, #seekcommunity, #thisworldisnotmyhome on July 11, 2019| Leave a Comment »

It can creep into our day when we are walking down a crowded street, in the sanctuary, in the middle of the party people or when we are alone with the dark and twisties.

Loneliness is as common a human experience as death and taxes and can occur in the life of anyone, under any circumstances. Whether we are young or old, rich or poor, a scholar or a drop out, married or single or divorced or widowed … loneliness comes to us all.

It is a feeling as well as a response to internal and external circumstances, perceptions and experiences.

There are those times when loneliness can feel like the most inhospitable, horrible thing to experience. For some it can override anything good in one’s life.

For the follower of Christ we can know in our minds that we are not alone (“… remember that I am always with you until the end of time” Matthew 28:20), but sometimes our heart feels things quite differently.

There must be a reason that within our hearts is the capacity to feel so alone, even while we are never alone or apart from our Creator. There are two perspectives that I think could explain our human experience of loneliness.

Scott Sauls (author of ‘befriend’), writes, of loneliness:

“We aren’t lonely because something is wrong with us. We are lonely because something is right with us. Our loneliness is the image of our triune, communal God in us, beckoning us to connect, to know and to be known, to love and to be loved, to befriend and to be befriended.”

In a way he would seem to be saying that our loneliness is the tap on our shoulder, the whisper in our ear to be His hands and feet, to look around and rectify the loneliness of ourselves and those around us. It is the reminder that we need and desire community … that we were created for community, and if the desire is there, so is the wherewithal to seek and find it.

C.S. Lewis said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

In relation to human loneliness (something so common in our secular post-fall world), what Lewis is saying is that we were never created to be, to feel lonely. We were created for a world where all of our needs are met, because our relationships with God and with each other would be without the stain of sin on our lives.

Loneliness, though commonplace in all of our lives, can be the necessary prompt to seek community. It can also remind us that this is not our home, but one is being prepared for us … that where he is we will one day be as well.

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What ifs in the Middle of the Night

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #psalm63, #whatifs, #whatifsinthemiddleofthenight on July 9, 2019| Leave a Comment »

Anyone else out there a what if kind of person?

What if it rains today … I better take an umbrella.
What if my kid’s alarm didn’t go off … I better make sure they are awake.
What if the dog’s lead came off his harness … I need to be ready to run.
What if a fire starts in the kitchen … I would go out my bedroom window, leap to the tree and climb down.
What if I hear someone break into my home … call 911, turn brightness and volume down on phone and grab can of hairspray … to spray in their eyes.
What if ‘the big one’ of earthquakes happens while we are on the coast … I better know the tsunami route.

Usually, the more intense what ifs have to do with life and death situations, and they usually come to mind around three in the morning.

If I have any tendencies toward and obsessive compulsive personality, it is in the area of what if thinking.

I have recently rediscovered Psalm 63, written by David, while in the wilderness.

There is something about those wilderness experiences that redirects our thinking, reminds us what hunger really feels like and re-opens our eyes to where our help comes from.

Psalm 63 is a great place to go when the what ifs surface in our minds. It is like a protective arm around out shoulders, a comforting lullaby in the middle of the night, a shield of protection covering us.

You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
(at 3am)
Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

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Laboring for Life

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #laboringforlife, #parentingistough on June 30, 2019| Leave a Comment »

As our son completed his application for a six month training and global mission experience, far, far from home …

As he prepared for work and service at summer camp …

I was reminded, yet again, that parenting, but especially motherhood, is not a single experience of labor pains, but a lifetime of them …

the pains, not decreasing, but becoming more intense.

It is not that I do not want him to have such experiences, nor do I resent his increasing independence, nor are these pains only for him … for he has two older sisters who also bring me to my knees in the pain of growing up, growing away, into their own lives.

When a couple, a woman, discovers a child is on it’s way, whether by planning or surprise, the pains of growing up are overlooked, ignored. All thoughts, energies and even dreams have to do with what will be experienced together.

Parenting is far more about the many big and small steps to individuality than it ever is about the original family unit. The goal and purpose of childrearing is to raise the next generation, to continue in the care of our earth and everything in it and to worship and share the redeeming nature of God, not to raise a human will meet our needs and desires.

Parenting must always be for the life that is lived apart from me, from us, as parents. It is the supreme exercise in working yourself out of a job. It is what we do not dream or envision to be the end result, yet our job is to lead our children to achieve independence from us.

As I look towards our son’s summer camp experiences, at his across the globe trip, it is a little like the anticipation during pregnancy, during the pains of labor, for I focus not on the temporary pains, but the thrill of what will be birthed through them.

“A woman giving birth to a child has pain
because her time has come;
but when her baby is born
she forgets the anguish
because of her joy that a child is born into the world.”
John 16:21

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Summer Blessing

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #summerblessing, Rest on June 27, 2019| 2 Comments »

As the regular of the year fades into summer break, we look ahead

to sunshine, long days, lazy mornings
to BBQs, campfires, cold ice cream
to airports, ferries and sunny road trips.

May this summer

Bring great times of fun and refreshment
joy with loved ones, laughter late at night
a cleansing breath, rest for the weary.

May each day provide

Fresh food to fill your tummy.
Time for creating and love.
Memories to fill your soul.

But also,

Resolution to whats hard.
Protection for each new day.
And return at summer’s end.

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Summer with Amara

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #alzheimers, #summerwithamara, #unfading on June 25, 2019| 3 Comments »

I have a plan this summer.

It is always good to have a plan, though I know too well the truth in that saying about how the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

This summer my plan is to finish writing a book that I started

s—o l–o–n–g a–g–o

Actually, I even ‘planned’ to complete it two previous summers, but my love of refinishing furniture trumped my desire to get that writing done. This year, there are only two small refinishing projects, as I no longer have storage space for furniture, since moving to a townhouse, so I am determined to complete it.

This book is a story that began to form in my mind many years ago, about a woman, Amara, with Alzheimer’s disease. I needed to get it into words, so I began writing a new part and publishing it here, on itsawonderfilledlife, once a week. If you would like to check it out, click on Unfading.

I am still not sure what propelled me to begin writing this, as I had no close connection to anyone with the disease when I began writing. In the past year, though, my father’s two sisters, one older and one younger, have been moved into full care facilities, as they continue to live with the effects of this disease. Perhaps my inclination to write was birthed out of a need to have my heart prepared, softened, for what was to come in their lives.

Recently, while visiting family on the other side of the country, I got to visit my aunt, while she was still living in the home of her adult years. A last visit that I recounted in the post I Forgot. It was in the writing of that post, recalling what would most certainly be my last earthly visit with her, that created this drive within me to finish this book, to spend this summer with Amara.

So, that is my plan for the summer, a summer of forgetting and remembering, a summer with Amara.

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Teachers at the End of the School Year … What I See

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #teachers, #teachersaremyheros, #teachersattheendoftheschoolyear on June 18, 2019| Leave a Comment »

I am not a teacher.

I work in a high school. I work with the same students as teachers. Though I do work alongside of teachers, working to assist students in the learning process, I will never refer to myself as a teacher, for I do not bear the weight of responsibility that a teacher does for the teaching and learning that goes on in their classroom … and it is a great weight.

I am not a teacher …

but here is what I see of high school teachers at the end of the school year (because, unless you work alongside of them, you simply do not know what goes on).

As the school year turns toward the end, teachers begin to feel the fatigue of the school year. It is like the muscle fatigue caused by holding your arms up in the air for a long period of time. Yet, the year, their task, is not completed, so they take a deep breath, move past that bone-tired fatigue and assess their student’s marks, to confirm what they already know … there are one or two students who are at risk of not being ready for the next grade level, or who are at risk of not graduating.

It is the struggle of this small number who will burden a teacher, often night and day, until the final day of school. He or she will connect with home, speak to the student(s), offering opportunities to bolster their slumping grades from handing in uncompleted work, to assignments removed, to time at lunch or after school for the teacher to assist the student(s).

Teachers see our children in a different light than we parents do. There are the students who are more respectful, more amiable, more hardworking in the classroom than at home. There are also those who are not so amiable, or who struggle with the environment of school. I have seen teachers alter and adjust their classroom, their teaching, their person … like a contortionist … to help students who struggle to fit into a classroom.

On top of that enormous burden are the many end of year events that are part of school from sports days, to field trips, to awards nights, to band concerts, to graduation activities and more. Then there are the final projects, tests, exams … marking, marking, marking … followed by report cards.

Then the regular demands of grade-level, department, professional development (cause they don’t always happen when your kids are at home), planning and staff meetings.

When the bell rings, at the school where I work, I (who work an hourly job) walk out, alongside the students. The teachers are still there … often for hours yet … planning, marking, organizing and attending all those meetings.

I do not know a teacher who does not work a full day along with work time in the evenings, as well as weekends.

They are heros without capes, who keep thinking of and even praying for their students.

They keep tweaking their curriculum, trying to make it better, trying to ensure that every student has opportunity to learn successfully in their classroom (band room, woodworking shop, library, gymnasium, kitchen). All the while, government agencies make changes to curriculum that require changes in the what and how they teach and assess learning.

The tasks of a teacher are doable, if we are talking about teaching one student, but they have twenty to over seventy-five on their plate at any one time.

I am not a teacher, but I get to work with them and they are a most amazing, hard-working group of humans … who just want to do their job of teaching this generation well.

So, please, write them a note of thanks … or, even better, get your child to write them a note of thanks, for these are the fuel to return next year and do it all again!

*a gift card or bottle of wine aren’t a bad addition to the note 😉

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