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Mammo-What? Part 2 The Main Squeeze

Posted in women, WONDER, tagged First Mamm, Mammogram, Women on July 19, 2011| 6 Comments »

Well here it is … Mammo Day … and it is definitely NOT a ‘holi-day’.

I leave home with a few minutes to spare, so that I will have lots of time to find parking (if you knew where I lived, and how … quaint the hospital, you might be laying on the floor laughing). When I get my sorry butt into the hospital, and then get lost, before finding out where I was supposed to be.

As I followed the signs to ‘the clinic’, I was certain that everyone who I passed knew … that they knew where I was going, and what would happen there, and that they were whispering to others as I walked passed saying “she’s going for THAT appointment (because SHE is over forty!).” It was a very humbling walk down the hallway!

I reached ‘the clinic’ and opened the huge, enormous, heavy, squeaky (and any other adjectives that make you feel a sense of foreboding). The room I walked in to was pink … no, not just pink, Pepto Bismol pink … I cannot say that the color made me feel more at ease, honestly it made me feel rather nauseous!

The lady at the desk was all business … “health care card … fill out the top sheet … keep the bottom sheet.” I obeyed all of her commands (I cannot for the life of me remember the questions on the form … hum … something about age of first menstruation, any relatives with breast cancer, and a question that made me feel young … something about menopause 🙂 NOT ME), and returned her clipboard … I think it might have been special to her! That still provided ample ‘worry time’ as I awaited my turn (hum, is this what a man waiting to be called in to have a vasectomy feels like?).

Then, the instruction that brought me back to thoughts of the guillotine … “now step through that door, remove your bra, and put your blouse back on.” Sigh, this was the moment of door #1 (the change room), or door #2 (the exit) … and I grudgingly walked through door #1 … more pink (blech).

The change room reminded me of a retail clothing store … four ‘closets’, each with a curtain for a door, and a low shelf in each brimming with magazines. I followed ‘pink lady’ #1’s instructions … and waited … and waited. And listened … there was a screening being done on another lady … I could hear some of the instructions … ‘lay your purse on the chair’, ‘come over here’ and then the instructions mimicked the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown comics.

But, I figured that since I could hear voices (even if they were mumblings), I could also hear shrieks, screams and cries! So, I developed my escape plan … if I heard cries, I was out of there (even if it meant racing down the halls of the hospital without a bra on under my blouse … I am sure that has happened in a hospital before). So, I flipped through my copy of People magazine, with my ears on alert for distress … nothing. Then, mere moments later, out came the patient … that was IT?

As she descended to her change room, I said, “so, you survived?” And she said, “yes I did … it is not enjoyable, but it is not so horrible either.” But before I could pelt her with more questions, THE DOOR (to the torture chamber) opened.

And I heard my name, spoken softly, and gently … but it didn’t quite feel ‘safe’ coming from ‘pink lady’ #2’s lips.

I was laying my purse on the chair, before she even started instructing me (I was hoping that if she thought I was a ‘keener’ maybe she would excuse me from this test).

There it was … the Mammo device/machine (aka, the instrument of mass torture and potential destruction). Except that it didn’t look so awful. My eyes were scanning it all over for the ice cold, metal paddles … there were none.

And the Mammo technician, her name wasn’t even Ingrid or Helga! And she was soft spoken, and rather nice.

And, it lasted, maybe seven minutes … tops.

And, it really was not so bad. I felt no pain (and I am a pain wimp … I was the sort of pregnant woman who made statements like, “I am in love with the epidural doctor”). I mean none. Oh, it was a teeny bit uncomfortable, but that lasted seconds.

In no time, I was sent back to my closet to re-dress, and leave. And really, the appointment was so quick, so painless that I felt no reason to even stop and ‘reward’ myself with a coffee drink.

According to http://www.worldwidebreastcancer.com (check out the ’12 Signs of Breast Cancer’) the main cause of death in women with cancer. In 2010 about one and a half million people, worldwide, were told they had breast cancer.

And ladies, touch your tatas! Learn how to do a self exam (ask your doctor, check out the web). Women, this is important! If we do not take care of ‘the girls’ who else will?

Did you know that early detection of breast cancer can mean cure rates of about 90%?

It is worth it ladies … for your family, for your friends, for yourself and the fulfillment of your life’s purpose. So, don’t shy away from this appointment.

Now to wait for the results …

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Mammo-What? Part 1 Anticipation

Posted in women, WONDER, tagged Fear., First Mammogram, Mammogram, Women on July 18, 2011| 3 Comments »

I really do not mind having birthdays. I do not even mind the number of birthdays that I have had. Heck, I am not even that upset about my mid-life body (it wasn’t that great in my twenties, and I am more physically active now, so it’s actually on an upward trend … which is humerus, since most of my body parts are on a downward trend …).

What I am not excited about is the invasion of medical tests on my body just because it is over forty!

All of a sudden, my optometrist checks for things like cataracts, and the need for bifocals. My dentist is on the search for recessing gums. And, when I went for that annual ‘woman’ appointment (which I last had done … hum, five years ago), the delightful, cheery, youthful nurse (grrr!) says, “oh, you are forty-two … did you know that women over forty are recommended to have a mammogram every two years?’ Now, how would I know that, I’m only thirty-nine, with three years experience?

So today, like an inmate on death row, heading to the guillotine, I will go to my very first mammogram …

When I got the appointment, I told my hubby that I was going to blog about it, and he said, “you’re not?” And his shocked, astounded, unbelieving question cinched it 😉 (oh, the life of the woman who likes to shock her husband), so, here is the fruit of his amazement!

So, as I have been planning and preparing (mentally) for this appointment, I have been having flashbacks (not hot flashes … that is still to come … and when they do, I will probably blog about them) and nightmares.

The flashbacks have been to those mass emails about mammograms … that are ‘supposed’ to be funny. Come to think of it, they were funny … when I was too young to need to have one! Now their ‘humorous’ messages, make me feel sick to my stomach. Stories of having your ‘girls’ moved and molded like silly putty, between two cold, hard paddles of metal. Moving my ‘twin peeks’ into positions and for lengths of time that God Almighty NEVER intended them to be. I am feeling palpitations of Nascar speeds in my heart just thinking about it! What if, like my mom used to say about making funny faces behind people’s backs, that my bodacious tatas get so squeezed and twisted that they stay that way forever! What if my ‘hi beams’ become ‘low beams’?

Then there’s the nightmares … they are pretty much the same as the flashbacks, but at night, and more sweating is involved (and hubby is not involved in the sweating, other than him dialing 911, because he thinks I am having a heart attack, or seizure or that I’ve lost it … mentally … which, I have to say, I think maybe I am).

But, I am woman … and I will ‘suck it up’ because that is what we women do.

This, although unpleasant, is something that provides detection that women in years past would have, and did, die for.

So ladies (and sensitive male readers, who really do want to know what a woman thinks about the realities of her life), check back tomorrow, for the continuing saga of Mammo-What?

This must be done, and it could be worse …

I could be a man going to an appointment for a ‘digital’ check-up!

Mammo What Part 2 The Main Squeeze

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Looking for Wonder in a Busy, Busy Day …

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Blessing, Busy, Hiking, Wonder on July 14, 2011| 2 Comments »

I am sitting at my computer, at 7:27am, anticipating a busy, busy day.

Presently I am doing home visits for a school that is hosting a large group of International students from Korea. When I visit a home, I am there to ensure that is is a safe environment, I ask questions, request a criminal record check, and answer any questions that the prospective host family has. All in all, the visits each one takes about one hour.

Today, I have eight visits scheduled, from 9am-7:30pm … it is going to be a busy day!

But, I have decided to ‘journal’ my way through this busy day … looking for wonder at every visit, and at every little break available in the day. I am hoping that, by seeking wonder in my day, it might not just be busy for me, but also a blessing.

So, here it goes …

8:40am – I am driving to my first home visit (the one that had to be re-scheduled because the family slept in last week, when I was supposed to visit), and drive past a restored older church, surrounded with blooming pink roses and deep purple lavender … ahhhhh! My day begins, not only with a shot of caffeine, but also with a glimpse of beautiful serenity!

10:00am – Then I head to a ‘wifi hotspot’ to update our work document, and make more calls for more home visits … no one answered their phones (grrr!) … except for a little girl (will the message get to her mom? THAT is the question), who was so friendly and polite, and cheerful … she made me smile … wonderful!

10:55am – Next appointment of the day … I noticed a ‘Thomas the Train’ towel blowing on the clothesline (I love clotheslines … not to use them, just the way their presence takes me back to the ‘good ol’ days’ of taking the best smelling clothes off the line … not my undies, of course … I was always completely humiliated that my mom would hang my undies for all of our neighbors to see! But, I digress …). Noticing the Thomas towel opened up the family I had to visit with a light-hearted conversation about that delightful train and his friends. I love it when I am provided with something to start a casual conversation when I enter a home … it makes my visit so much more casual, more friendly (like a home with a clothesline).

11:55 – I arrive at the swimming pool my daughter is coaching at with enough time to relieve my busting bladder … ahhhh! Seriously, is there anything else on planet earth that feels as good? Enough said!

12:40pm – My 1pm appointment is willing to allow me to come a bit early … that gives me more margin to my day … that, is a gift!

1:45pm – My 2pm appointment is willing to allow me to come early too … seriously, you have no idea how exciting this is for me! And, as we chatted, we discovered that she grew up at the church I attend, and that she currently goes to a church where many people I, or my kids attend … when connections happen, I can see people physically relax in my presence. And, to top this all off, this lady was an amazing decorator … I felt like my sense of creative wonder was fed to the brim! I even complimented her decorating skills enough that she showed me her entire house … I was so impressed that I told her if they ever sell to give me a call before calling a realtor, and I would buy the house, and everything in it! Only others who love decor (and have no time in their days to do anything about it) will understand how significant this is!

3:11pm – I am sitting in a coffee shop, drinking my Americano (I predict another ‘busting bladder’ moment in an hour or two), and working on this post … a delightful pause (and opportunity to re-charge my techno-baby’s battery) in the middle of my day … only four more visits to go! Where is my energy coming from? I am having fun today!

4:00pm – Appointment number five … and a family I know, but have not had much contact with for a few years. What a rough few years this lady and her family have had! Truly she had experienced crises after crises after crises … a modern day Job example. And yet, she was listing as many blessings as she was curses … what strength, what courage I was privileged to be exposed to. It made me wonder, what if I were in her shoes …

5:00pm – A delightful, fun-loving, highly experienced International student host. This lady (I am guessing she is heading toward sixty), knows what she is doing, when it comes to hosting. When she welcomed me into her home, she introduced me to the two ladies from Japan (who had just arrived), and her hubby, and her neighbor (of Chinese descent) who had come over to make dinner for them all. Her home is a multicultural society all under one roof, all the time … even at Christmas, they host International students … and do it, because they love what they learn from others, and from what they can share …

6:00pm – Another appointment, and I am getting really tired. But, the family of mom, son and daughter were so friendly and the children so polite. Their home was not spotless, but was clean. Their home was not a decorators model home. But, their home was so evidently full of love … and I loved being there.

7:30pm – Last appointment of the day (Hallelujah chorus playing in my head). I was greeted at the door by the mom of a peer of my daughters … greeted by a warm hug, and a genuine ‘welcome in, it is so good to see you’ from a Canadianized accent from Kenya. There is something just warm and wonderfilled to be greeted by a hug and an accent.

9:00pm – Home sweet home! Hugs, kisses, and catch up on each of our days. This is the life!

Busyness didn’t have to mean a day of dread. What a wonderfilled day of blessing … I wonder how much better every day would be if I were to be purposeful in looking for wonder in my day?

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A Migrane and Morning Coffee

Posted in GOD, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Being Mom, Morning Coffee, Needing a Break, Provision on July 12, 2011| 1 Comment »

It was unexpected that I would awaken on Sunday morning with a migraine. I used to have those most dreaded headaches W A Y back in my early thirties. But, as I headed closer and closer to forty (like a freight train out of control, barreling down the tracks) they gradually dissipated, and disappeared.

I always felt very fortunate that I was never sick to my stomach, or needed to go to the hospital for stronger relief. I simply would take Ibuprofen, and go to bed, to sleep it off (of course my kids were ten years younger then, so it was not so easy to just go to bed).

So, when I awoke on Sunday morning, with a mental to do list, I was floored … almost literally! As the radio alarm went off, and my brain kicked into wake up mode, I knew it would not be easy to open my eyes.

I staggered as far as the back door in our kitchen, to let the beast out to do her morning thing, praying all the while that a squirrel wouldn’t divert her attention, and force me to maintain my vertical position for any longer than necessary. Thankfully she returned to the confines of our home, and I returned to the confines of my room, where the Ibuprofen is stored! Once an ample quantity was swallowed, I crawled back into bed, and told hubby I would be a no-show at church, and he would need to inform our lunch guests that they were uninvited (but I would reschedule).

Then, I rolled over, and slept … and slept … and slept … until 9:52am … that never happens!

When I awoke, the migraine had been down-graded to a headache. So, I popped more Ibuprofen, and headed to the next best cure of a morning headache … coffee! Although it was physically painful to hear the beans being ground, the first whiff of it’s delightful scent made the pounding subside, all on it’s own!

As the sun was shining, and the birds were singing, I took my cup of brew to the back deck, where I could put my feet up, and close my eyes (funny how I headed to the light with a headache, but if you lived where I do, and were experiencing the ‘non-summer’ which was preceded by the ‘non-spring’ you would understand that, in this context, sunshine can always be enjoyed … but, I digress).

Soon after getting into position, out came daughter number one, followed by daughter number two, followed by only son. And it was good. We talked, we laughed, and not a form of technology was in sight! I needed this even more than I had needed the Ibuprofen and the coffee.

It amazes me how, when you need it most, and are not wise enough to acknowledge it, rest is provided … just usually not in the way we would like, or could plan. But when we need it, when every fiber of our being cries out for it, our bodies make it happen.

June is a busy month, but July is heaven, for those of us who go to, or work at a school. I usually find that the first week of summer break is family hibernation week. No one really seeks out socializing, we just cocoon at home … together. And I love it (what can I say, I am a natural at cocooning).

But, this year I am working through July, and, when I am home, I am still working … sending emails, making phone calls. So, our first week off together, was not … together, at all. One hot evening (I think there was only one or two last week), as they all hopped in the pool, I was still returning emails, and making calls, despite their invites and pleading to join them.

By the end of last week (Saturday night, to be exact) I was complaining bitterly to hubby that I was feeling a heap of ‘momma guilt’ for not spending time with our kids (other than bellowing out orders … consider this confession time …). He was not so sympathetic … seriously, men just do not get women (and this is news to me and you? I don’t think so!)! And made some comment about how our kids are not suffering for attention (which is true, but what he didn’t ‘get’ was that I was suffering … for time with my kids … he does usually get it when it is he, who I am suffering to spend time with … just sayin’).

So, Sunday morning, I got my hearts desire … just in a not so desirable way. My body said ‘STOP’ … and I did, because I had no choice. And, as I sat out on our deck, steaming coffee in hand, my heart swelled with thankfulness for the provision of time … unplanned, unscripted … not contrived by a human mind, but handed to me, to us, by a heavenly Father who hears the cries of my heart.

“O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!”

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Treasures in Heaven

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, The Kids, tagged Life, Memories, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, Treasures in Heaven on July 4, 2011| 1 Comment »

I have written a number of times about our pregnancy losses. The responses I have received to them, have indicated how very common, how very painful and how very life-changing they are on those who share such experiences.

Truly, to have experienced the loss of a yet to be born child can leave a permanent imprint on the hearts of those who loved that child even before he or she took it’s first breath.

Today, July 4, is the 20th anniversary, of the due date of our first child. One who died, in utero, around sixteen to eighteen weeks gestation. I admit that this date has rarely, except on the actual due date, had any significance for me. The date that I have more commonly remembered is January 21. And this past years anniversary was particularly significant.

For those who have experienced loss, any loss, the anniversary of that loss can be felt in many different degrees. Some years the date passes, and it is not until the day later, or even weeks later, that the significance of that date is remembered. Other years you remember it every moment of that day, and the days, and even weeks, surrounding the date.

This year was a little of both.

It was Thursday, January 20, and my family was having a jovial, sarcastic, humorous dinner together (in other words … a ‘normal’ dinnertime). As we were laughing, eating, re-creating the events of the day and sharing plans for the day to come, I stated “I can’t wait for tomorrow, I get to go to chapel!” You see I work in a Christian high school, and every Friday morning our school has ‘chapel’. I enjoy chapel, but I have not ever said that I was eager to go, so it was a rather odd statement for me to make.

The next day, Friday, January 21, I filed into the gym, with about five hundred other staff and students, as well as parents. I was feeling pretty good that day. Eager for a good work day, and for a time of school community worship.

The music began, and it was okay … nothing ‘wow’ish’, but it was good.

Following the worship time, and a few announcements, the speaker for the morning was introduced, a local pastor. I didn’t know him, had no connection to him. He started with prayer, and then addressed the scriptural reference point that he would be focusing on as he spoke … Matthew 6:19-24

… and my heart stopped

… and my palms became wet

… and my throat became so dry

… and my mind raced … what is today’s date?

… and I remembered …

… and tears fell against my will.

The reason for the emotional and physical reactions to the mention, and then reading of that scripture is that one night, as I slept, after the loss of our first child, I had a dream. The dream was of a man, I do not remember what he looked like, but I knew, with everything within me, that it was Jesus. And, in the dream, I handed a baby to Him … our baby. And Jesus looked into the wrapped up child, and His eyes were riveted to the tiny babe, and He smiled … that wonder-filled smile that we all smile, when we gaze into the face of creation. And then He looked at me, with such love, such compassion, such comfort, and He said “I will take care of your treasure for you, until you return. While you have this treasure, with me, in heaven, your heart will be here too.”

And, the dream was over.

And I opened my Bible, and found the passage, Matthew 6:19-21. And I knew that God had given me the confidence of His care for our child, and the promise that we would one day meet, and the comfort of knowing that our child was in even better hands, in heaven, than he or she would ever have on earth (even though we loved that child so much).

And that, for all of my days, I would live my life with my heart focused on the treasures that await me in heaven. And that our three earthly children would grow up knowing that as much as we, their parents, love them … God, in heaven loves them even more.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,

where moths and vermin destroy,

and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,

where moths and vermin do not destroy,

and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-21

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Hanging on …

Posted in GOD, life, WONDER, tagged Control, Life, Storms, Struggles on June 28, 2011| 1 Comment »

Yesterday I wrote a post about dealing with struggles, and when it was finished I realized that I was pretty good at speaking truth, and not so good at living it (aka. I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching). So, not wanting to be a hypocrite, I decided to take my own advice.

I knew I needed to get out, and have some undisturbed time … what mother of kids who live at home doesn’t desire that? Fortunately, one kid was out, and the other two were preoccupied with video games and the telephone … and kid number four (aka. hubby) was deeply engaged in a movie. So, I took a notebook, a pencil, a cup of tea and a towel (to dry off the outdoor chair I was heading for, as it had rained … (again).

I sat facing the bright, even warm, sun. This was fantastic, as last week was the first day of summer, and I am still very convinced that we have barely had spring! But, I digress!

The sun was beautiful, and the sky, although dotted with big white cotton ball clouds, was a spectacular bright blue. So I dried my chair, and snuggled in with my tea. I laid my head back and smiled … eyes closed. When I do something like this, I am reminded how infrequently I take the time to do … nothing, and how immediately responsive my body and mind are when I do. Hum, maybe our bodies and minds are created with a need for rest … not just sleep (which I am a big fan of) but rest … being still.

So, there I sat, the sun shining down on my, my body and mind becoming still. Then my eyes opened as I realized I did have a purpose in going out … I had my notebook and pencil. So, I stood, and turned my chair so that I was facing away from the sun (deep down, I was probably looking for a rainbow … it had rained earlier). Then I got my notebook out, and started writing praises.

Now, if you didn’t read my post yesterday, it was about those life moments when you feel like your life is hanging by a thread, when your ship comes in, but you are at the airport, when you’ve got just one nerve left and someone (heavy) is standing on it …

… when you are in the midst of struggle.

And I spoke of how when we are in the midst of struggle, we need to give up control and look to the only one who is in control for answers.

And, as I sat outside, the sun on my back, I did just that. But I went one step further … I cannot look on the God of my life, and not praise Him (hum, maybe that is what we were designed to do). So, I began to write down my praise to my God.

I started with His reminder to me … “Be still and know that I am God (I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10).” And then, in no order (ha! ha! ha! … in my mind order is absent anyway) I wrote about what I was seeing … the bright blue sky, the brilliant green trees, plants and grass. I wrote about what I was hearing … the melody of a chorus of many kinds of birds, insects and squirrels.

Then I wrote of how hard it was to sit, and be still … I could weed, I could trim that grapevine, I could dead head my rose bush. No! I am here to worship, and be still! Then I wrote (page two) ‘I will praise you,’ and, for the next half hour I sat, and I wrote my hearts praises to God.

And I didn’t stop until, after over three pages of writing, I had a cramp in my right hand, from scribbling down on the paper. Over and over, what came to my mind, and I wrote on the paper were praises to God for what I know, in my head, He is. And, as I read my list over, I realized that I was praising Him for the things that were my struggle …

Over and over, what came to my mind were words of how God is my protector, my safety, my comforter. The very areas I was feeling needy. Obviously, what my mind knows (that God will protect me), I easily forget when I am trying to stay in control of the struggle of the moment.

But, I didn’t only learn that the cries of my heart are already being comforted by the Great Comforter … I also learned that the struggle cannot be hurried, and that to find comfort in struggle is even better that knowing the struggle is over.

You see, when I turned my chair from the sun, I was looking for a rainbow …

I wrote the following on my paper …

“My grapevine is reaching up, reaching out towards the sun, the light … it is beautiful! BUT I turn my chair so my back is to the sun, the warmth, the light, because I want to see the rainbow … the sign of the end of the struggle and the hope prayed for … I want to RUSH the reward …”

You know what? After about an hour of praising God, I got my reward … without the struggle being over yet. To have followed the leading to praise in the midst of the storm was far more rewarding than to know that the storm is over. One day, the storm WILL be over, but to have received God’s peace, and comfort in the midst of it is even better … because that is a miracle that could not have been achieved if I had been in control.

And from now on, no more searching for rainbows … like my grapevine, I’m looking towards the light.

God is in control, and I will praise Him in the storm.

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Hanging on by a Thread

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Control, Frustrations, Life, Storms, Struggles on June 27, 2011| 2 Comments »

Do you ever feel like you are hanging on by a thread? Or maybe you live with, or know someone else who seems to be just barely surviving … but rather precariously. They are desperate, they are exhausted, they are hopeless.

When I am having a hanging by a thread moment a vivid picture forms in my mind. It is a picture of me, in a small boat, in the midst of a growing, growling powerful tropical storm. I am alone, I have no supplies to help me get through it. I have no protection from the elements. And I have no idea how much longer it will go on before the storm passes (or I pass).

Life has ‘hanging by a thread’ moments (that seem to last years, even if they only last a few days). And when these inevitable times come, we just want them to hurry up and go. Unfortunately, they have a mind of their own, and their coming and going seems to have little to do with our efforts.

I having been trying (as a person who struggles with the lack of a gift of patience) to learn to appreciate process, rather than just wish that the struggle were over. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn. And, with every step forward, I slide backwards even farther.

Although my attempt at appreciating process sounds honorable, I have to admit that my rational for this self-learning is not completely honorable. You see, I am trying to ‘work the system’ (how it is that I think I can ‘work the system’ of something untouchable, invisible, is ridiculous … even to me).

My thinking is that we usually can only appreciate the process of struggle AFTER it is over (oh, hindsight, how I love thee). So, what I am really trying to do, by appreciating the process, is seeking the benefit of hindsight in the midst of the process 😉 … But, I am also hoping that by appreciating the process … the struggle might get over sooner! I do realize that my theory is not only confusing, but it is also very flawed, and very … wrong.

There is simply no way to rush the process of struggle. There is no ‘working the system’ to try to expedite the end of struggle. I cannot sit contentedly in my little boat, in the midst of ocean swells, all alone, and just enjoy the ride. Struggle is not something to appreciate, it is something that brings us back to the reality that we cannot do it alone. Struggle is something that should cause us to say, “I give up.”

Now don’t go getting your skin tight theological knickers in a fisherman’s knot! What I mean when I say that struggle should cause us to give up, is that we need to give up our control on the situation, and give that control back into the hand of the man who stilled the water, and calmed the sea. You see, if I am in the midst of struggle, I am going to suffer it’s effects …

I’m going to get wet,

maybe even bruised from being thrashed around,

I might even get sick,

or even tossed out into the sea …

Because bad things do happen to good people … everyday! That … is life … But, God’s hand, and His plan is to see me, to see us, through it.

He knows how long the storm will last.

He knows how the storm will end.

And He knows we need to rely on Him, and not on ourselves, in the midst of it.

And, it is not until we take our eyes off the struggle, that we can see who it is that is in control, and that He is bigger than anything we could ever face.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?”

Job 38:1-2

“Then Job replied to the Lord, I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Job 42:2-5

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Lessons on Public Transit

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Lessons Learned, Life, Riding the Bus, Wonder on June 23, 2011| 2 Comments »

The other day my job took me into the city via public transit.

I had just taught a unit on public transportation, and wanted to wind up that unit, and the year, with a fun day.

For me, public transit is a blast! It is rare for me, or the rest of my suburban family, to actually need to take public transit. But it is such a fantastic place to people watch! And, let me tell you, this part of the day provided vast amounts of people to watch.

First off, was the bus …

There most people looked like they were walking zombies. I tried, very unsuccessfully, to make eye contact with many … to no avail. To be honest, I am not sure they were really there, maybe their presence on the bus was a figment of my imagination.

But there were two guys get on the bus, probably in their mid-twenties (so, compared to my aged-ness … they were young’uns). They were a little … scary looking (what can I say, I am a middle-aged, female suburbanite). Maybe gang members, maybe homeless … definitely rough and tough (and even a little gruff). So, I kept watching them … when they weren’t looking my way. The bus was filling … fast! Then a woman gets on with a boy who is about four years old. And there is no available seat (and I am too pre-occupied people watching to get off my lazy butt). And one of the rough and tough guys gets up … and looks at the woman … and kindly offers his seat to she and the boy … Be still my heart! Kind, genteel, gentlemen do still exist … even if they look too scary to make eye contact with.

Later in the day I was on the bus, and saw someone that, lets face it, we have all encountered. It is the he/she. I glanced in his/her way off and on for about ten minutes, trying to ascertain whether he was a he, or if she was a she (this is not an easy feat, as there seems to be an unwritten rule about public transit, that one must not make eye contact with … anyone else). Clothing gave no indication, hairstyle gave no indication, and I wasn’t close enough to decide based on voice. I couldn’t see any indicators of shaving, or … female upper body development … I was left with the mystery of never knowing …

Lesson #1 … you can’t read a book by it’s cover …

Then there was my faux pas (okay, so it wasn’t my one and only faux pas, as I already was trying to make eye contact like a timeshare salesman in Mexico, with anyone and everyone … which reminds me of the time hubby and I were in Mexico, walking along a busy tourist street. The timeshare salespeople are yelling and beckoning and flattering everyone who doesn’t look Mexican. And this one is yelling, obviously to hubby, “hey Meestir”, but MY hubby is a smart one … and he just pretends to not hear him. Then, same guys yells, “hey Meestir, your shoelace is untied” and MY hubby looks down, and then we hear, “I knew you could hear me.” … but, I digress).

As the bus lunged forward and then back, at a stop, I absentmindedly reached for the pole in front of me, and my hand brushed the behind of the guy in front of me … let me tell you, I know how to go from pale to crimson in milliseconds! Fortunately, he just turned towards me, and smiled graciously … probably more like, he thought it was hilarious that someone so old could still blush!

Lesson #2 … look before you reach …

There was this adorable little baby. He looked like he had just awakened from a nap. He and his mom/nanny appeared to be Chinese, and he had the most delightful cheeks! As his eyes scanned the other occupants of the bus, his face was without emotion, without expression. His stare was met with equally tired eyes, smiles, and grown adults making faces at him, (that made them look like a side show at the circus). The only expression close to a smile from him was to his ugly, well worn teddy bear.

Lesson #3 … beauty is in the EYE of the beholder …

Then there was the cute Korean couple. They looked to be early twenties, and so very eager to touch hands, to talk, to make eye contact … with each other. I really do not think they were at all aware that there was anyone else on the planet, let alone on the bus. Now I don’t mean they were clinging to each other, and to look at them was to watch saliva being shared from one to the other. I mean they were simply in the bubble of ‘each other’, simply so delighted just to be … together.

Lesson #4 … few things can make one smile like love in the other persons eyes …

except maybe … a little girl?

And finally, the best moment of my day of public transit …

A VERY pregnant woman (I kept my cell phone in my hand, in case she went into labor right then and there), with a cute little girl, wearing a dress, white tights, and her curly blond hair up in a ponytail. The moment they boarded the bus is so memorable, because something about them drew the attention of almost everyone else on the bus.

People whose eyes had barely left their shoes, were watching. People who had been muttering to themselves, hushed, and just watched. The lady in her perfect figure and expensive yoga wear, looked up from her meditation, and smiled. The really good (I mean REALLY good) smelling guy, with the expensive-looking suit, moved well out of the way as they moved down the aisle, to their seat, as though he was making room for royalty. The older lady who had spent a full two and a half minutes (I admit, I timed her …) searching her change purse for her bus transfer, looked up at the pair and stared, as though their appearance into her day took her to another time, another place. Then there was me … and my first moment of watching them, I was taken back, to years past when sleep was rare, but life was wonder-filled, simple and innocent.

I do not know what it was, exactly, that caught the attention of so many on the bus that day. Maybe it was the beauty of new life, maybe it was how clean, how fresh they looked in the dirty, metal bus. Maybe everyone else on that bus was waiting for the ladies water to break. Or, maybe it was something ‘out of this world’. Maybe there is universal kindness, universal instinct to protect those who might be vulnerable.

Whatever it was, it was a wonderfilled moment for me. And it encouraged me to spend more time people watching.

Lesson #5 … the best of all that is created, is probably the best way to see the beauty of the Creator …

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A Spectrum of Colors

Posted in canada, life, Nature/Creation, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Hope, House for Sale, Rainbows, Wonder on June 22, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I can only remember seeing one rainbow, as a child. I know they occurred more often, I just am too archaic to remember seeing them! Or maybe, as a child there are so many wonders that catch your eye, a rainbow is just not all that exciting?

There is something about rainbows, about the wonder associated with them. They give hope.

There are two associations with rainbows that are most common. One is the association with a pot of treasure at one end of it. The other is that from the Biblical story of Noah, and the flood, and how the vision of the rainbow was one of hope of the future.

About eight years ago, I/we had an encounter with a rainbow.

You need a bit of background …

We were living in a great neighborhood, with great neighbors. But my house ‘wanderlust’ had set in … okay, that is wrong … MY house wanderlust is always present. Anyway hubby and I were away for a weekend in March … just the two of us (so sweet … and, although we were just away not even a month ago, I am ready to go again … my, I know how to digress!). While we were away, I made a declaration, “we need to find a place to live that is a refuge for you. A place where you can rest, relax, and ‘get away’ from the stresses of life.”

I can only think of three to four times in our marriage when I have made ‘a declaration’. And each time I did so, my jaw dropped, as I ‘heard’ what my mouth said, because it was not a thought that I had previously entertained. It was as though the words of my mouth were inserted by someone else.

A few weeks later, hubby and I agreed to ‘just look’ at a house that I loved. But when hubby called the realtor, it had already sold. So, hubby, decided to inquire about another, and got a date to go view it.

I was NOT excited to see this house. It was west coast contemporary … blech! I come from the east where houses are old and character-filled … contemporary might as well be the f-word in my mind. And worse, when we pulled up to the house, it was perched on a driveway, so steep, I was sure if a car was parked horizontally on it, it would tip over! But I LOVED the neighborhood! Less than eighty houses on tree-lined winding streets, with beautifully manicured lawns, tall trees, and all in a neighborhood that is so hidden away, there are people who have lived in our Township for many years that don’t even know it exists!

So, up the driveway we all (all five of us) climbed. Once at the top (and we caught our breath), we rang the doorbell, and were greeted by the realtor. We entered the house, and looked to the left, an enormous, but cozy, family room … I was adjusting to contemporary …

Then the rest of the house …

Then, the kids found the in-ground pool (which we more frequently call the albatross), and we saw the hot tub, and the so very secluded back yard!

We went back home, from this appointment to ‘just look’, with rose-colored glasses firmly on all five of our faces!

By 9pm, that night, we had hired a realtor, made an offer on the house, had it accepted, and had listed our own property …

(kids, this is NOT how to do this)

The decision was not an easy one, just an impulsive one. I remember so well hubby and I discussing what to do, and saying, ‘I just wish there could be … a rainbow in the sky … I don’t need writing in the sky, just a rainbow to indicate ‘go for it’ ” … but, alas nothing but clear blue sky. We went for it, anyway.

We had two conditions to the offer … one was a home inspection, and the other … selling our property.We were not worried about either. The inspection would be done by a professional, who we had used at an earlier time. The second should not have been an issue, because houses were selling before signs went up on the lawns! It was a sellers market, and we were confident!

The sign went up two days later, and the viewings began (and the fast food dinners began with the showings). After six days, we had had thirty-five showings, and our realtor wanted to sit down and talk (that is realtor talk for lets sit down and lower your price, because ten to fifty thousand dollars less off the selling price only affects him by ‘tens to hundreds’ of dollars … just sayin’). We sat down, and got the report. Our house was showing well, no negative comments, and priced well … this all sounded good. Then the predicted statement … ‘I think we should lower the price.’ But we were confident of our price, and held firm.

A week later, our resolve was weakening, as were were down to six weeks until closing, and the thought of living with two mortgages was unbearable.

Then, a last minute showing, where the realtor could not open the lock box, and we needed to let the viewers in, ourselves. They looked, they liked, and, by later that night, we had an offer … for the price we wanted 🙂

A couple of days later their home inspection, followed a few more days by the final paperwork!

We were cleaning up, after dinner, waiting for our realtor to come with that paperwork. As I rinsed the dishes I looked out to see a sun shower … such a cool thing to see! Then I ran to the front window (the one I had looked longingly out a couple of weeks prior, for my rainbow in the sky), confident that our ‘answer’ had arrived, and there it was … big and bright with one end near our home, and the other going in the direction of our new home.

I admit, despite the snickers of my kids (who have compared me to the ‘double rainbow’ guy from the world popular YouTube video … how many hours of combined labor did I go through to push their fat heads out into this world?), that I love rainbows. I love their colors, I love the possibility of there being a double rainbow, I love the hope that is re-birthed in the end of the rains.

There is wonder in the appearance of a rainbow, and that wonder re-ignites an innocence within me that makes me feel fresh and clean, and new, and gives me hope for the future.

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I’m an Addict!

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Addiction, Health, Hubby, Life, walk on June 21, 2011| 2 Comments »

I never thought it was possible, but I have become addicted to walking my favorite trail!

Not that anyone who has walked my favorite trail would blame me, because it is a spectacular trail. But the part about … me … addicted … to walking … that is what is hard to believe.

Now, my beast … she has always been addicted to walking! When she doesn’t go for a walk, she looks depressed, and gives us guilt-laden looks that no human can duplicate! And when she does go for a walk, she is the picture of contentment!

Life has become simply too busy this week to walk my trail … the trail I have been walking at least three times a week … for months! It has now been six days since I last walked it, and there is no available time in the foreseeable three days! And I think I am gonna lose it!

Tonight hubby and I were supposed to be removing sod on a piece of land that we planned to build our brick patio (hubby got an amazing deal on landscape bricks, from a neighbor … weeks … months … hum, years ago. So, we decided that indeed we could do this task … ourselves. And the time was now. But, I digress). But, the sod remover was very heavy, and we live on top of a hill, so getting it to the upper backyard … not so easy peasie. Then the sod remover was not too easy to figure out how to get it to actually cut the sod.

All that to say, words were said, (under our breath), looks were exchanged, frustrations were elevated, declarations of wanting to sell this massive property (in exchange for a brand new, comes with a property management company, condo) by me were made, tears burned in my eyes … and a quiet evening was had by all! And really, all because I haven’t (WE haven’t) been going for regular walks.

All I really had wanted to do was walk my favorite trail … (and it probably would have been better for all around me!).

This walk on the trail has become my leavening agent … like yeast or baking powder. If I mix it into my week in a well-proportioned way, the rest of my week rises and falls in balance. If, on the other hand, I do not take the time to add the leavening power of my walks to my week, the week ends up with the qualities of a hockey puck … hard, flat, and dangerous.

Truly, it could be said that I have turned a corner in my philosophy of life and living. For me, on this voyage of attaining better health, better living is finally becoming part of my daily fiber. Now, I miss my walks, like I once would have missed chocolate (oh, chocolate, I remember you. Dark, creamy, mouth-watering, satisfying, chocolate … chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, and oh, my personal favorite, homemade chocolate sauce … I a m s o w e a k …, and, I digress … again).

Walking now feels, not just good, but right. And that is a core change in how I think. I now recognize that going for those walks is not so much about how burning all those calories enables me to then eat more (a girl has to have her ‘rewards’ 🙂 ), but that going for those walks makes me feel better, think better, choose better, LIVE better (and squeeze into some of those clothes that have been gather dust in my closet for years).

So, today, I think something else is just gonna have to go. Now, what could go? Dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms … hum, if I don’t do those three things, I would have enough time to walk! AND, I have three kids … so if they each ‘get’ to do one of those jobs, I can walk, AND come home to a clean house! And they get a more mentally stable mother (they have no idea just how this could benefit them).

Seriously, just thinking about walking makes my thinking so much more clear!

Now, where are those walking shoes? And my beast? And yes, even my hubby (who I am talking to, and is talking to me again … thanks to a couple of great guys who came over to the rescue of our sod, our marriage, and our sanity).

Time for a walk … it does a body, mind and soul good!

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