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Well Watered Souls

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #sustenanceandrefreshment, #thelordwillguideyou, #wellwateredsouls on January 9, 2020| 1 Comment »

“It’s humid as …”

That was the note to let us know that our son had arrived in Thailand … the country where he and his mission school group will serve for the next couple of months.

It is good to know that he arrived, that he is safe. As the team will be travelling into a more remote area, he has pre-warned us that we might not have contact for much of his time there.

I (the mom) am both at ease and feeling the loss that disconnect can mean (I mean, mom and control freak do go hand in hand).

Then I read this, from Isaiah 58:11:

“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

The LORD will guide you always …

Not one of his angels, not a really spiritual or physically strong Samson-esque person … the LORD, himself.

ahhhh … I can rest.

I read it again … when I read verses like this, I always need to read them a second time. You see, when I read it the first time, I read it like a momma. What my momma heart read is “God is gonna strengthen your frame. He will keep you (your son) safe … from sickness, injury, hunger, humidity … from harm.” I read it that way because that is how a momma, a parent thinks. We think that if we can keep our kids safe from harm, then all will be well. Then we lay that, our expectation, on God the father.

But, on second read, I don’t think that is what this entire verse means (when I read it with my head, with my soul). What I think, instead, that is being communicated by Isaiah (said with a North American or New Zealand accent) is:

not that the LORD will keep us, (my son) from physical harm, but that He will sustain his body and meet the needs of the soul for refreshment.

This can be humbling, even tough to pray, because we like to know that the physical part of our lives and the lives of those we love are secured, safe. The soul … it’s just so … invisible, untouchable.

Yet, to think that there will be strength for your frame (that means that the physical body will be nourished enough for the task at hand … no promises of health or lack of injury or all-you-can-eat-buffets!). That refreshment in a sun-scorched land will be never-ending … that one’s soul is being guided by the God who created our soul …

that means our soul is in the care, the hands of it’s creator, who knows the soul best.

The LORD will guide you always …

and this is the greatest comfort, the greatest encouragement. That the Lord, himself, is our guide. He is leading all of us (my son included) … that means he goes before us, ahead of us. He’s keeping watch over the path ahead and he is our personal guide, leading us … our souls, through the (stressful, sorrowful, fearful … even humid) journey.

This verse is not just a promise, but a prayer.

“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs
in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring
whose waters never fail.”

amen

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A Virgin Forest in Us All

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #asnowfield, #delightandcelebration, #menuha, #virginiawoolfe, sabbath on January 7, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Recently I read a quote by Virginia Woolfe:

“There is a virgin forest in each; a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown.” Virginia Woolfe

I think it might be the introvert’s version of heaven. A solitary place within us, where no one has even left footprints. A place of personal seclusion, rest from all noise, interruption from our quiet, but deep thoughts. In a sense,

it is Sabbath.

Sabbath, the day to remember and keep holy. The day orchestrated by God, for us, which he, himself participated in, after the creation of the world and all in it.

In Hebrew (the language of the Genesis Sabbath) the word used for rest is menuha, but it does not refer to the rest that is a nap … menuha refers to celebration, delight.

In my mind, what God meant when he included Sabbath into our lives, was like a snow day. A day when you wake up, ready to do the routines of life and work, but it’s snowing wildly and all the regular plans of the day get cancelled and a sense of freedom and delight fill your soul.

It is a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown

Sabbath is not just a snow day, but a mindset. It is taking delight in the midst of work of the snow … shovelling, scraping, bundling up with a heart celebrating in the creation, the Creator, while taking pleasure in the work that we have to do.

Sabbath is a mindset of celebration and delight, in the midst of the work as well as in the rare afternoon nap … snow not mandatory … but sooooo lovely.

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Want to go to Church?

Posted in Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #corporateworship, #sabbath, #thelordbewithyou, #wanttogotochurch, #worshipisrelationship on January 5, 2020| 1 Comment »

Sunday. Sabbath. Lord’s day. Day of rest.

Many words to indicate the traditional day of going to church, for the Christ-follower (of course not all participate in corporate worship on Sunday).

Each week the calendar rolls around to this day, this time to gather with others to pray, sing, share, give and receive the message that will encourage, challenge us, gird our loins, as it were, for the week to come. It is opportunity, freedom that is not available to all in our world. We are blessed to gather together to worship our Savior, our Redeemer.

“Do you feel like going to church tomorrow? today?”

We ask this of each other, of our loved ones and friends, of ourselves as we lay our heads down to sleep the eve of the Sabbath. The question can roll off our tongues like oil, not pausing in our cranial space for consideration, before shrugging and deciding, no, not this week … I’m too … tired, busy … peopled-out.

“Do you feel like going to church tomorrow? Peterson suggests that is the wrong question. “If Christians worshipped only when they felt like it, there would be precious little worship … Worship is an act that develops feelings for God, not a feeling for God that is expressed in an act of worship.” Eugene Peterson

Yes … yes I am going to church today … I am working on my side of my relationship with God … that is what I have control of today.

The Lord be with you …

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Left Behind

Posted in Grief, life, WONDER, tagged #grief, #leftbehind, #movingthroughgrief, #newyearwithoutyou, #sayinggoodbyeforever, #theroadtolife on January 2, 2020| Leave a Comment »

As this new year approached, my heart grew heavy.

The close of 2019 reminded me that it is the final year my family and I will have lived with our dad, husband, grandfather, friend. 2020 (and the years to come) will not be shared with him … his story ended in 2019, last year.

For some reason this turn of the calendar made the finality of his passing more real than those last moments at his hospital bed, the wake and funeral, even more real than the committal service at the graveside.

It leaves me and us lonely for his presence, his life. It makes a new year, without him, unimaginable. The life that he brought to our lives has left an empty space … a silent pause in a song, an ellipsis (…) at the end of a sentence.

Happy New Year …

We can struggle to say those words, but their message is lost on those trying to imagine a new year, a new day, without one they loved … love. To move into this new year, to own and accept it, to write it on paper or speak it from our lips … well it’s another acknowledgement that it’s really real … that he is gone … and he isn’t coming back.

It is as if accepting the arrival of this new year relegates our loved one into history. As if, while we move forward into the new year, into the future,

his life, he has been left behind, in the past … by us.

It is interesting to me how little comfort faith can be when such grief weighs one down. It is not that I question the existence of God, or heaven or eternity … it is that the loneliness is such that none of that matters, for the selfishness of loss and grief is temporal … now.

It is not, I want the best for you, dearly departed … it is purely that I want you back … selfishly, for me.

For, you see, in reality, my grief is not that my father has been left behind in the years past, but that I, we have been left behind, by him. He, who has always been there for me, for us … he, who had never abandoned us, who would never abandon us … he has gone on, and left us behind … to move forward without him, without the security and direction and unconditional love that he always represented.

We walk forward into this new year, this new future, knowing that we are leaving him behind, that we have been left behind, by him.

Forward is the only way through grief, but lifting ones feet over the starting line is agony.

“Recovery can seem like a betrayal. Passionately, you desire a way back to the lost object (person), but the only possible road, the road to life, leads away.” Hilary Mantel

“He heals the broken hearts and binds up their sorrows.”
Psalm 147:3

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2020 Reflection

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #2020, #2020reflection, #lookingback, #movingforward, #newyear on December 31, 2019| Leave a Comment »

It is the eve of the New Year …

2020 … just like perfect vision.

It is interesting that it is as we look back we see the year that has been lived with clarity, perfectly.

When we look back a year ago, we had no idea what was in store in our lives, in the lives of those who we love. We did not know what changes would occur, what friends we would make (or lose), what lives would be lost (or born), what celebrations would be had, what struggles we would stand, shaking in our boots, and face … or hide from.

As I look back at one year ago, I wonder how I might have done things differently … if I knew then what I know now. What would I change? What would I do the same?

But, we cannot live life backwards. The hours and the days move only one way, forward. The learning is done in the moments that we live, and the wisdom that we gain … well it is gathered over time.

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn”

We cannot look forward to 2020 with clarity. Oh, we can make plans, fill our calendars and have good intentions, but the reality, the clarity of this new year will only provide 2020 vision as we peer back at it, one year from now.

The shadows on the days to come will be illuminated by being able to look back. To know what is ahead of us, can only be seen fully when looking at it, in reverse. What we see is only clear in it’s reflection.

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

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Quiet Waters

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #christmasfatigue, #findrestinjesus, #psalm23, #quietwaters, #wearytothebone on December 29, 2019| Leave a Comment »

Weary to the bone would describe most of us at this time of year. Many of us have worked to ensure that Christmas is perfect, filled with presents and an appreciation of the available peace through the birth of the babe in a manger.

We go to bed at night weary, we wake in the morning weary …

“He leads me
beside the still waters.”

The Pulpit Commentary, for Psalm 23:2b, describes this particular verse as referring to waters of refreshment. Remember, it is from the 23rd Psalm … the part of scripture that is greatly intended as comfort, encouragement and hope in times of darkness, sorrow, pain … weariness.

The 23rd Psalm is a perfect Psalm of the advent season. It is a reminder that we have at our disposal a reset button when life is a struggle. It is as if David, the shepherd, understood that the Messiah, who we anticipate each advent, would be the good shepherd, who offers direction, comfort, redemption … rest.

Timothy Keller, a theologian, author and speaker said,

“After creation God said, “It is finished”—and he rested. After redemption Jesus said, “It is finished”—and we can rest.”

Jesus is our source of rest. He is the antidote to bone tired weariness. It is in him that we can find rest, refreshment. What a great start to the new year ahead, to let him lead us to still waters.

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Not the Baby … Only the Man

Posted in christmas, WONDER, tagged #christmasismorethanababy, #christthelord, #notthebabyonlytheman on December 24, 2019| Leave a Comment »

It is as if infancy were the whole of incarnation by Luci Shaw

The waiting of advent is coming to an end, as we celebrate the new born king.

Tonight the stories of a manger, and angels, and shepherds, of a stable, and virgin mom and a donkey come to the part where the birth of the babe seems to be the culmination, the end of the story …

yet, the birth of the baby Jesus is only the beginning of the greatest story ever told.

I love this poem, by Luci Shaw, how she reminds us

It is as if infancy were the whole of incarnation …
(by Luci Shaw)

One time of the year
the new-born child
is everywhere,
planted in madonnas’ arms
hay mows, stables,
in palaces or farms,
or quaintly, under snowed gables,
gothic angular or baroque plump,
naked or elaborately swathed,
encircled by Della Robbia wreaths,
garnished with whimsical
partridges and pears,
drummers and drums,
lit by oversize stars,
partnered with lambs,
peace doves, sugar plums,
bells, plastic camels in sets of three
as if these were what we needed
for eternity.

But Jesus the Man is not to be seen.
There are some who are wary, these days,
of beards and sandalled feet.

Yet if we celebrate, let it be
that He
has invaded our lives with purpose,
striding over our picturesque traditions,
our shallow sentiment,
overturning our cash registers,
wielding His peace like a sword,
rescuing us into reality,
demanding much more
than the milk and the softness
and the mother warmth
of the baby in the storefront crèche,
(only the Man would ask
all, of each of us)
reaching out
always, urgently, with strong
effective love
(only the Man would give
His life and live
again for love of us).

Oh come, let us adore Him—
Christ—the Lord.

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Happy Birthday to One I am so Thankful for Today

Posted in The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #happybirthdayhubby, #support, #tooneiamsothankfulfortoday on December 22, 2019| Leave a Comment »

It’s my guy’s birthday today. It’s the thirty-first of his that we have celebrated together. That means we have spent 60% of his birthdays together. And we have been married thirty years. And we met just a few months before his twenty-fourth (not that I am giving any age hints 😉 ).

Phil has always been a husband and dad who would drop whatever he was doing to help us out. But, recently, his willingness to help me, when I needed him the most, opened my eyes to what a gift he is in my life.

During the recently hospitalization and subsequent death of my dad, Phil would ask me each day (some days, multiple times),

what can I do for you today?

Though he has always been willing to drop what he’s doing to help out, this is the first time that I can remember him offering his help, so directly, so intentionally.

At first (because, hello … I am a capable person) I tried to wave his offer off, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that the to do list was bigger than I ever could have imagined and that a brain muddled by shock and grief is not capable of functioning as it would normally.

In no time, I was handing over things that needed to be done, with ease and great appreciation.

As I look back on those days of confusion, decision-making and sadness I also look back and see him …

offering, supporting, comforting, listening … with eagerness to help, to love, to serve me.

He was the personal flotation device that held my head above water, allowing me to help (along with my brothers) hold my mom up.

At the time, in my muddled state, I simply received his offerings of help and support. As the days have moved along, I an so thankful for his willingness to help … in any way, even when I got things mixed up, and that affected his time, his plans, his schedule.

Still, weeks later, he frequently will ask what can I do for you today? And, his question makes my heart swell with pride, appreciation.

His selfless acts of love, devotion and service to me have made me so thankful for him, for our marriage together … for the perseverance (of both of us) through the seasons of marriage that were tough … requiring more devotion to our commitment than devotion to each other.

Through all of this, I could say, of my Philip, what Queen Elizabeth said of her husband, Prince Philip, 0n their Golden Anniversary (50th) :

“He is someone who doesn’t take easily to compliments, but he has, quite simply, been my strength and stay.”

To my Philip, on his birthday of … more years than mine ( 😉 ), I have never been more thankful, more proud to be yours. May this be the start of your best year yet.

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The Difficulty of Death and Christmas

Posted in christmas, Grief, WONDER, tagged #christmasmourning, #christthesavior, #deathleadstolife, #griefandfear, #thedifficultyofdeathandchristmas on December 19, 2019| 2 Comments »

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.”

I have read those words of C.S. Lewis many times over the years, now I have lived them, breathed them, groaned them. I would add to Lewis’ description the feeling that my heart is not beating properly, that it has lost it’s physical rhythm, by the shock of death.

Death and Christmas …

I have been pondering these two this advent season. They both occur, despite our being ready. They affect us all, whether we choose them or not. They settle into our souls, bringing memories from the past. They each affect us well beyond their seasons, for their seasons impact the rest of the calendar year.

… they are difficult to celebrate simultaneously.

Yet …

Death and Christmas came together in the life of this babe, who came at Christmas. Our Joy to the World was birthed out of our need of a redeemer, a saviour. Our Silent Night, so calm and bright, ended at the Old Rugged Cross. Peace on the earth, goodwill to men came at the cost of Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

There cannot be a more specific, more momentous illustration of death and Christmas than in Jesus’ final conversation with a person, as he hung on the cross.

In Luke 23:38-43 Jesus is hanging between two criminals. One of them is yelling insults at Jesus and asks, “aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” The other responds, “we are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

Two men, similar criminal activity, similar guilt level. They are, humanly, of the same sin-condition … both guilty of the sin of birth and the sins of life. At this point in the story, they are both condemned to die, physically, eternally.

Then, in his final act, his only hope, that second criminal speaks to Jesus, himself …

“Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

No pleading, no excuses. Just a simple question asked as a last hope … but it is more than that … for in his simple question comes the heart-level acknowledgement in who is beside him. His question shouts out, in his quiet, shaking voice …

I know who you are … my eyes and soul see that you are He who can save me.

And, in his last words spoken to man, to all of humanity who acknowledges him as our Saviour, Redeemer and Lord, Jesus replies …

“Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

In the midst of the death of the Christ, is the hope born in the Christmas babe … for a criminal on a cross …

for my dad, for me … for you.

Death and Christmas … they are difficult to celebrate simultaneously. Yet, the sadness I feel over the death of my dad, is born out of the happy memories I have of him. And my (our … for I am not alone in feeling this) earthly great loss will one day be eclipsed by the joy of eternity … an eternity that began with birth of the saviour of the world, at Christmas.

“The pain I feel now
is the happiness I had before.
That’s the deal.”
C.S. Lewis from A Grief Observed

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Homesick

Posted in christmas, Grief, WONDER, tagged #griefatchristmas, #homesick, #illbehomeforchristmas, #memories on December 17, 2019| Leave a Comment »

If I hear it, I turn off the CD, the radio … and I seem to hear it so very often this Christmas season.

“I’ll be home for Christmas …. “

Having lived away from ‘home’ for most of my life, I have had years that I long for that childhood home for the holidays more than other years. This year is a bit different, for what I long for is not so much place, but time.

Seasons, such as Christmas, have triggers that can instantly thrust us into memories of the past.

Snow falling can take me back to snowy memories at Christmas time, when new toboggans, skates, hats and boots would be used. A clear, starry night can take me back to the wonder of searching the night sky for reindeer and Santa. Chocolates can take me back to the thrill of when the Ganong red box was brought out of the closet, signalling that Christmas truly had arrived. The concerts of the season put me back on a stage, as a child, reciting lines, singing Gloria in Excelsis Deo. The trees, the presents, the food, the events … all symbols of the season, all triggers in the mind to another time and place.

My favorite memories of Christmas’ past involve Christmas Eve at the my Gram Smith’s house. The meal, the family, the gifts that Santa had dropped off earlier that day 😉 … such sweet memories. Then there was the drive home, my eyes fixed to the skies for the light from Rudolf’s nose. Early on Christmas morning, when the sky was still ebony, we would be awakened by my dad, NOT trying to be quiet, as he moved through the house, hoping to awaken just one of us so that we could get the day started. The stockings, gifts, laughter … such sweet memories. After the gifts were opened the turkey would be prepared for the oven, but also that big red box of chocolates would come out, filling the plastic tree candy holder … and we would study the ‘map’ from the box to plan our one chocolate selection well (there was nothing worse than making a mistake and biting into a vanilla cream one). Then the gifts that were not toys would be organized back under the tree, in a different form of decoration. Later we would eat that traditional turkey dinner, complete with mashed potato (not bread stuffing) dressing, flavored with summer savory. Once filled to the gills, we would play games, make puzzles, enjoy our toys with family.

My memories of childhood Christmas’ have a rhythm, patterns of rituals that cemented the joys of tradition, family and celebration within my being. And I am so thankful to look back and be so thankful.

But, as I ponder and write about those traditions from the place and people I love, knowing that I will only be home for Christmas in my dreams …

I am also feeling rather ‘homesick’ of another kind, missing one of the heartbeats of my childhood Christmas memories. His absence makes me homesick for that place and time, but also for the Christmas celebration in eternity.

I really hope Saint Peter is a morning soul, for he will be awakened raucously this Christmas.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now