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To Infinity and Beyond

Posted in Grief, Love, WONDER, tagged #boundless, #hummingbirds, #infinityandbeyond, #infinitysymbol, #limitless on December 12, 2019| Leave a Comment »

To infinity and beyond … how can one go beyond infinity?

Infinity is without limits, boundless, it is eternal. So how could one imagine going beyond limitlessness?

Perhaps the answer is in the hummingbird.

I saw one the other day, as I was scraping off my vehicle windows at -1ºC temperature and heard a noise above and behind me. Up on the deck of my neighbor’s house was a petite but quickly moving hummingbird, near a feeder. I paused, watching it’s movements, as my mind slipped to the ones that my father fed at his front window.

Later I did a little research on these small but mighty birds. Their wing movements are quite amazing, moving back and forth fifty to eighty times every second. Their wings move so quickly that they can only be seen with the use of special cameras. Their movements are not simply forward, up and down, but they can fly backwards as well.

The movement of the hummingbird wings is in a figure eight … which really is the same shape as an infinity symbol. This seems rather perfect, as the speed of the hummingbird’s wings is almost limitless, their energy seemingly boundless.

Infinity and beyond … that’s also how far love can go. It does not end, but always keeps moving. Even after death, the love continues to go on, to infinity and beyond.

What we Leave Behind

After the ending, never regretting
Never forgetting, what we had between us
And when it’s over, it’s never over
Cause of those moments, never really leave us

What we take with us is love, love, love
Labrinth

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The Mother of Jesus

Posted in christmas, WONDER, tagged #marryandjesus, #marychosenbygod, #themiracleinmyarms, #themiracleofnewlife, #themotherofjesus, advent, christmas on December 10, 2019| 2 Comments »

The waiting of advent is akin to the waiting of an expectant mom. Then the time of waiting culminates in the birth of the Christ child.

I remember being pregnant at Christmas a couple of times. The awareness and connectedness that I felt to pregnant Mary caused me to ponder her experiences in my heart.

During each advent and Christmas they resurface once again.

I remember keenly the day I made the following statement to my grandmother, when I was maybe thirteen: “Gram, the Catholics really overemphasize Mary, don’t they?”

To which she replied, swiftly “and maybe the Protestants don’t emphasize her enough.”

Mary was chosen, by God, to be more than just the vessel through which his son would be born human. She was his choice. Not only was she to carry him in her womb, but she laboured him through birth, nursed him, cared for all of his needs. She was his momma.

It was her finger that he first grasped, her eyes that he first stared into, the sound of her voice that he first recognized, her touch that most comforted him.

In each of these firsts we see what heaven will be like, but it will be not just the finger, but the hand of Jesus held out to us, his eyes that we will look into, his voice of invitation and the comfort of his touch.

When a woman is expecting, especially for the first time, there is such curiosity of what is happening within her. Truly pregnancy is a mystery with great anticipation and expectation. Each stage, each movement is awe-inspiring.

Truly every pregnancy is miraculous.

At Christmas the miracle of the pregnancy of Mary is central to the narrative.

In the genealogy of Jesus, is recorded the most intimate of connections to Jesus,

“Joseph, the husband of Mary,
and Mary was the mother of Jesus who is called the Messiah.“

To be the mother of Jesus was a high calling, one that need great emphasis, as our Word emphasizes not just her name, but her role (and name) of mother.

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Why Mary?

Posted in christmas, WONDER, tagged Breath of Heaven, chosen, christianity, christmas, Mary, the mother of Jesus, The Nativity, Why Mary? on December 9, 2019| 3 Comments »

The various characters of the Christmas story each play a vital and intentional role.

Herod is the insecure leader, willing to do anything to hold his throne. The shepherds are the unwitting observers just doing their thing, when the heavenly hosts came to make their great announcement to the Earth. Joseph is the strong and silent blue collar man engaged to the pregnant Mary.

And Mary, she is the young woman who delivers heaven to earth.

There are many who place Mary up on a pedestal near or at the place of Jesus. There are also many who view her as no greater than any other of God’s human creations. I tend to walk the fence on this one … and you can blame my grandmother.

I remember so clearly, as an adolescent girl, asking my grandmother why some people elevate Mary so greatly, whereas the small church (and when I say small, it was really small. I remember when we would sing “The Church in the Wildwood” I thought it was written about her church) she attended barely spoke of her. I have always remembered the response she gave, “well, God did choose her to be the mother of Jesus, I think we should elevate her a lot more than we do.”

I have been wondering and considering her words ever since, and how they fit into my worldview.

Maybe Mary had the faith of a mustard seed that I would so love to have. Maybe Mary was able to know no fear, because she had grown up in a time and a culture of verbal history telling. Maybe the generations old anticipation of the Messiah was so desired and longed for that all fears were erased, because the Messiah was finally coming to Jews (and the Gentiles), to remove them from their bondage.

Do we, as Mary, anticipate and desire the second coming? Are we able to put our fears aside, knowing that, in the end (as was true in the beginning) God is in control?

I think my grandmother was right about Mary. God chose her to be the mother of Jesus. He could have chosen another way to send His son, and He could have chosen any other woman. But, he choose Mary.

Perhaps it is the words of Elizabeth that give us the most insight as to God’s choosing of her to bear the son of God, “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45

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When our Heart is Filled with Sorrow

Posted in christmas, Grief, WONDER, tagged #advent, #griefandchristmas, #joy, #whenourheartisfilledwithsorrow on December 8, 2019| 4 Comments »

It rained … five out of our first seven days home. We returned to work, dealt with jet lag, exhaustion. The schedule was still too packed to do what, humanly, was most needed … mourn.

Saturday morning arrived like cool balm on a hot burn. The schedule open, the pace relaxed. Then it happened … the emotional processing of what the mind had been containing.

The sadness that is very real. The recognition of what I lost when my dad died. The acknowledgement of the earthly permanence of death.

How do we prepare for the Christmas season, when our heart is filled with sorrow?

On my way to work one day this week, I turned on the CD in my vehicle. It is my only Christmas music CD. As I reached to push play, I paused, specifically negotiating whether or not I was ready … prepared for Christmas music, or if it might ignite a teary downpour, leaving me to enter work looking like Tammy Faye Baker (I know, it’s a dated comparison). I was specifically fearful that Joy to World might be on the CD. Thankfully, Josh Groban’s, Noël was safe for my emotions on the edge.

But that song, Joy to the World, had already infested my thoughts, causing my memory to sing it, over and over, like the song that never ends.

Joy to the World, written by Isaac Watts, was printed in 1719 … three hundred years ago! It is a song which tells of the redemption of the world, through the blood and sacrifice of Jesus.

As I write this I wonder how it came to be a Christmas song, as opposed to an Easter one.

Yet, we cannot have one without the other. For the babe in the manger grows up to become the sacrifice on the cross.

And it is in this juxtaposition of images … newborn babe sleeping, man bloodied and dying that allows us to both mourn and celebrate at the same time.

It reminds me of our time at the funeral home (not two weeks ago), when we would feel the sadness of what we were doing one moment, and laughing to the point of belly ache the next.

Psalm 69:29-32 (Message) also speaks to such juxtaposition:

I’m hurt and in pain;
Give me space for healing, and mountain air.
Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,
Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.
For God, this is better than oxen on the altar,
Far better than blue-ribbon bulls.
The poor in spirit see and are glad—
Oh, you God-seekers, take heart!

How the Psalmist starts out speaking of their pain, their need for healing, then goes on to shouting praises, thanks to God … this praise in the pain is better than “blue-ribbon bulls”, or as Amy Grant sings, Better than a Hallelujah to the ears of God.

How do we prepare for the Christmas season, when our heart is filled with sorrow?

We sing through the sorrow, we celebrate through the sadness, we praise through the pain.

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King!
Let ev’ry heart prepare Him room,
and heav’n and nature sing,
and heav’n and nature sing,
and heav’n, and heav’n and nature sing.

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Gentle Empathy

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #compassion, #dountoothers, #empathy, #gentleempathy on December 5, 2019| 11 Comments »

I stood there, unable to move my eyes from what was happening in front of me.

She wet the facecloth with warm water, then, ever so gently dabbed his forehead, his cheeks, chin, nose, mouth and eyes. With the tenderest of care of care, her hands guided the dampened cloth, slowly, gingerly over his face. It was as if I was watching the work of a master … no,

it was as if I was watching her wipe the face of her own father.

The expert, compassionate act I viewed stopped me where I was standing, for I had entered a time and place of holiness, beauty and honor.

In my seventy-six hours of final vigil with my dad, this was one of the most tender moments … and it was performed by a stranger, a nurse, paid to do a task, but who took it beyond job description, she performed an act of tenderness as I have never witnessed before. And I will forever be changed because of it.

The tenderness and compassion with which she worked … the respect and dignity that she blessed my comatose father with also blessed me. I was treated to an act of a master at her job, one who did more than was expected of her.

I was reminded of the story of the death of Lazarus as I watched this beautiful kindness.

Lazarus had died, already in the tomb for four days. Jesus said he was going to “wake him” from his death sleep.

When Jesus (and the disciples) got there, he saw Mary and Martha weeping, filled with sorrow over the loss of their brother.

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”” (John 11:33-36)

This is a similar picture of tenderness and compassion. Jesus knew that he would raise the dead Lazarus from the grave. But, his tears were not over Lazarus’ death, they were tears of compassion for the sorrow and heartache that Mary and Martha were experiencing. He wept with empathy, responding with love and gentleness.

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And thats life …

Posted in Grief, WONDER, tagged #andthatslife, #learningtolivewithgrief on December 3, 2019| Leave a Comment »

As the plane began pulling from the terminal gate I realized that I am beginning a new stage, a new way of life …

learning to live with the grief of great loss.

Just a month ago I sat with a number of women, all but two of us having experienced the loss of a parent … I sat and thought how I must not waste time, must not take this time for granted. The next day I mentioned to hubby that we must make trips back to our childhood homes and families more frequently, more intentional.

I have listened to enough people going through grief, that I have (so far) not held back about how I feel … laughing when I feel like laughing as well as giving my tears equal freedom to fall freely when they break through the dams.

That means I will probably be writing about grief freely, as well.

I have heard, while sitting with others, that grief does not fade, does not ever leave. You simply learn to live with it’s presence, it’s permanent mark.

Grief is now a part of me … now I need to learn how to wear it.

This new look is not visible when we look into the mirror, we cannot dress it up, we cannot remove it. It is more like a bruising, a trauma to our soul that goes everywhere we go, shadows our thoughts, surfacing out of nowhere, like a charley horse in our calf in the middle of the night, demanding our attention to it’s discomfort.

“The people we most love do become a physical part of us, ingrained in our synapses, in the pathways where memories are created.” – Meghan O’Rourke

One of my favorite movies is Meet Joe Black. The clip, below, (at 1:45) is about the letting go of physical life and all that is part of it. It is the final line, spoken by Anthony Hopkins character, William Parrish, that is a great reminder of the reality of death:

“And that’s life… what can I tell you.“

This sorrow, this grief that we carry after a great loss … it is part of life. To live life, while carrying the grief of death is one of the paradoxes of being human.

And that’s life… what can I tell you.

William Parrish : It’s hard to let go, isn’t it?
Joe Black : Yes it is, Bill.
William Parrish : And that’s life… what can I tell you.

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Hope in the Valley

Posted in christmas, FAMILY, WONDER, tagged #advent, #hope, #hopeinthevalley on December 1, 2019| Leave a Comment »

Hope … that is the word on this first Sunday of Advent.

As we enter this season of waiting, we begin with hope …

because hope is what helps us to take one step, after another.

As I awoke this morning, I felt the heaviness of the day … it took effort to convince myself of the hope that is promised. I left to head across the country. I left my mom to do the things, internally and externally, that follow death. My heart aches for her, for her heartbreak, for her loss of her life’s love and the things that need to be done after a life is all done, buried. I felt hope slip through my fingers and toes, as I tried to imagine her grief, exhaustion …

like wandering through the wilderness.

That is what today, what hope is for … to help us put one foot in front of the other, as we walk that pilgrim journey through the valley of dark shadows.

The hope of the world is Jesus, from the first hints in the Garden to the manger in a dusty, dirty stable in Bethlehem. We put our hope in what we cannot see, Jesus, the very Son of God, the rescuer and redeemer of our weak and weary world.

Jesus … the rescuer of those who grieve, those who are heartbroken … like a cane for the lame, he steadies, supports as we place the weight of our world on him.

I know it’s all you’ve got to just be strong,
and it’s a fight just to keep it together
I know you think that you are too far gone,
but hope is never lost

hold on, don’t let go
Just take one step closer,
Put one foot in front of the other
you’ll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You’re gonna be okay

I know your heart is heavy from those nights
but just remember that you are a fighter.
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you’re stronger than you know

When the night is closing in
don’t give up and don’t give in.
This won’t last, it’s not the end
You’re gonna be okay

“Out of the depths I call to you, Lord!
Lord, listen to my voice;
let your ears be attentive
to my cry for help.

I wait for the Lord; I wait
and put my hope in his word.
I wait for the Lord”
Psalm 130:1-2, 5-6

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Seismic Shift

Posted in WONDER on November 25, 2019| 9 Comments »

When one’s world shifts, quakes … one can lose their footing, leaving that one to stumble off-kilter, muddled-minded through the simplest of daily functions. In the midst of the upheaval … the stumbling around in the aftermath of dust and debris, one cannot see that the rest of the world has not shifted, for the quaking beneath one’s feet was localized, individual … it was not, after all, shaking below the Earth’s crust, but the seismic shifting of souls that have been united since the beginning of time … pre-ordained by a Force far more powerful than tectonic shifting.

This seismic shifting is what I felt the other day, after breaking news of a loved one’s fall, from across the country … the tremors … they can reach around the Earth, when souls are closer than their physical containers.

Off-kilter is how that day began, from one coast to the other … moving toward the subduction zone.

Emergent cracking just below the surface rose above, showing the ugly head of destruction. When destruction begins the souls gather at the epicentre, hold vigil for those who need help, hold vigil for the survivors … for the souls who are left after the quaking stops (does it stop?).

The sands shifted under our feet, rendering us unsteady, off-kilter.

We have been shaken by this striking down of a soul so close … but not destroyed.

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Traversing Midlife … Together

Posted in The Hubby, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #gettingtoknowyourspouse, #midlifeadventures, #newfromold, #traversingmidlifetogether on November 21, 2019| Leave a Comment »

She looked at me, really looked at me, as if wanting desperately to burn what she was communicating onto my mind, for the great and significant truth of her message …

” … when the kids are grown (this is where her gaze was locked on me) … when it is just you and your husband again, it’s (she paused, staring off into the thoughts in her mind, her memory) … well it’s just fantastic.” Then she smiled and walked away, leaving me standing there, trying to absorb the deeper meaning, that I knew that must be there.

But, I didn’t stand there long, because this conversation happened about seventeen years ago. Our kids were ten, five and three. I had just returned to working outside of the home. Hubby had made a change from Youth ministry to lead pastor work. We had a house (mortgage included), boarders, family support on the other side of the continent … and we were not even in the busy years yet!

I had forgotten about that random moment, until recently … until I had slid, unannounced, into midlife, with a mostly empty nest, a different-than-planned lifestyle, inch-long hairs growing (overnight) on my chin and a body temperature gauge with a split personality.

Circumstances in life have been unpredictable … physical and emotional changes have been frustrating … relationships have been unpredictable.

Yet …

The circumstances, added to the emotional changes, the emptying nest and the experience of half a life of living, have forged a stronger, more confident and pleasant life together.

I think we reach this midlife stage and realize it’s time to poop or get off the pot! Crap or get off the can!

(Anyone else hearing that old song by the Clash? Should I Stay or Should I Go?)

Basically, we reach midlife and realize we are at a crossroads and we have to decide which of the two roads we will traverse.

Do we keep going, the same as always before?
– we may end up regretting a life of the same old thing

Do we take the other road, walking away from the path and the person on it?
– we may regret throwing those years away.

Or, do we recognize that we have someone beside us who we have been walking alongside of for so long, that we don’t know how much we don’t know about each other?
– this can be an opportunity for adventure.

To take that third option is to create a new path, a new road in the wilderness only to find out that … it’s fantastic.

Here’s the thing, taking a new path requires decision-making from both parties. One hauling the other along will not have the same effect as two individuals moving forward together. That said, whose to say that the unknown surprises along the path might birth excitement and anticipation in the one who gets hauled along by the other.

Though my memory for words when I am speaking forces me into an odd, verbal variation of charades … Though my partners in crime may forget what I just told him this morning … when the kids are grown … when it is just you and your husband again, it’s … well it’s just fantastic.

I we shall be telling this with a (contented) sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
~~Two~~ three roads diverged in a wood, and I we —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost (and I 😉 )

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Shame on Me

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #christistheantidotetoshame, #shame, #shameinthebible, #shamenomore, #shameonme on November 19, 2019| Leave a Comment »

I have been pondering shame for a number of months. The word shame has become a derogatory word, whereas, in the past, it was a more widely acceptable one.

Truthfully, most words that evoke a negative feelings are more unacceptable within society today … for none of us wants to feel bad, feel guilt, or feel that we are being judged negatively.

I have been pondering whether shame is an intended part of the Bible’s larger narrative … after all we “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Then I read Nehemiah 8. Here we read about Ezra, the religious leader, speaking to the community of men, women and children from dawn to noon at the beginning of the Feast of Tabernacles when the Jews remember wandering in the desert after their exodus from Egypt.

Ezra was reading the Law to the people and it says that they understood what was being read. They were cognizant of the Laws that they had broken … their eyes were opened to their sins and they were sad, weeping and sorrow-filled.

As I read that I understood that what they might be feeling was shame. They knew that they had fallen short, they knew that they are been disobedient, and they hung their heads … in shame. Their reactions were pure, human reactions … the shame they felt was innate, natural.

But …

Their tears and mourning were the indicators that they knew their sin and they regretted it. This is the first step in receiving the promise of redemption.

Then Ezra, Nehemiah and the others who were instructing the people told them:

“This day is holy to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep.” (8:9)

They were told to go and feast, to eat great foods and drink great drinks. To invite others, who had nothing, so that all could share in the celebration that is available to all. They were led to celebrate, because their shame could be erased.

And so they did. They celebrated “with great joy, because they now understood the words that had been made known to them.” (v. 12)

This is the difference that acknowledging our sins can make. When our eyes and ears are opened to the sin in our hearts, that knowledge is not for the purpose of shaming us, but to open the door to the hope that can erase our sins.

Christ is the antidote to shame … Hallelujah!

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

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