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Posts Tagged ‘Fear.’

Unfading – Part 3

Posted in Unfading, WONDER, tagged Aging, Alzheimers, Amara, Dymensia, Fear., Fiction, Forgetfulness, Loneliness, Story on January 20, 2012| 4 Comments »

This is another post in a series, about a woman named Amara. Every Friday I will post another segment in this story.

After what seemed like an eternity of waiting for her memory to tell her why she drove to this parking lot, Amara thought to herself, ‘maybe I should just go back home, since I cannot remember why I am here.’

She placed her right hand on her key, preparing to turn it to start the car’s motor, as she glanced around the parking lot one last time for an indicator of why she was there. “Is that … ?” Amara whispered as she looked at a woman coming through the front doors of the building in front of her.

The woman was perfectly coordinated from her clothes to her bag, to her jewelery, to her shoes to her make-up. It would be difficult for anyone to not notice this perfect looking woman. Although she looked perfectly put together, with the greatest of care, she did not look approachable, nor did she look happy. “Why it is! That is Joy.” Amara was excited, relieved to see her youngest child, her daughter.

With great excitement, Amara grabbed the handle of her door, swung it open, yelling “Joy”, as she almost levitated out of her automobile.

Joy heard her mother’s voice, and focused her eyes in search of her. As the two locked eyes on each other the stresses that they had each been experiencing that day disappeared. There was a relief, and even a oneness as they looked at the one that each of them needed most. This moment of oneness was rare for these two, so genetically close. As early as when Amara discovered her unplanned pregnancy, from which Joy emerged, there was tension between the two. From that was a colicy first year, a defiant childhood, and teen years of feeling disappointment in each other.

The two were a pair of contradictions. Amara the ‘get your hands dirty’ mother, and Joy the ‘I don’t like to get my hands dirty’ daughter. Amara, whose life was one surprise after another, and Joy, whose life appeared to have turned out just as she had planned.

“Oh there she is, finally! What is she wearing?” Joy muttered to herself, just under her breath.

“Mother, you finally made it!” She yelled back, while standing on the steps of the professional building.

Amara headed straight for Joy, not taking her eyes off of her adult child.

“Mother, you will need to shut your car door.” Joy shouted to Amara, while positioning one hand on her hip, still not moving a foot towards her mother.

Throwing her hands up in the air, Amara sighed and smiled self mockingly, as she jogged back to close the driver side door of her archaic Olds.

As she quickly swung the door shut, she had not moved her body out of the way in time, and slammed the door hard against the inside of her right knee. “Damn it!” she yelled, as she bent over wincing and reaching for her throbbing knee.

“Mother, come quickly, we are late for the appointment,” Joy yelled, not having seen the injury that had just occurred.

“I’m coming dear,” Amara responded through clenched teeth, as she straightened and hobbled to the steps where Joy was still standing, with one hand still on her hip.

“For goodness sakes, I just have to be the most clumsy person on the face of the earth,” Amara was muttering under her breath, as she reached the place where Joy stood. The look of relief gone from her daughter’s face was replaced with a more familiar look, one of disdain, one of disappointment. Amara’s heart sank. After a lifetime of looking into her daughter’s eyes and seeing that same look of disdain looking back at her still hurt her like nothing else on this earth. For Amara, the pain in her knee was healed by the daggers she was thrown by her first born. No bandage, no salve could heal that hurt.

Unfading – Part 4

Unfading – Part 1

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Unfading – Part 2

Posted in Unfading, WONDER, tagged Aging, Amara, Anxiety, Disappointment, Fear., Forgetfulness, Loneliness, Sighing, Story, Unfading, Widow on January 13, 2012| 5 Comments »

This is another post in a series, about a woman named Amara. Every Friday I will post another segment in this story.

“Are you sure she is able to come here on her own? You could meet with the doctor alone today, and bring your mother here for a second appointment?” Dr. Faw’s receptionist said with sincere concern, but laced with the urgency of a vulture. My mother’s delay was impeding the efficiency of this woman’s day. And was that sarcasm I heard when she specifically said “coming here on her own?” Was she insinuating that I should have brought her myself? Well, if only she knew the efforts I had made to try to convince my stubborn, highly independent mother that she should let me pick her up!

“No, I will wait just a couple more moments for her,” I replied to ‘vulture lady’ while smiling my sugary sweetest. She faked an accepting nod and smile to me.

Oh, what was keeping mother? Did she remember? Did she forget where she was to go? Did she misplace her car keys again? Did she go wandering on the trails again, and forget her way home? How can so many possible reasons for mother’s delay go through my head so quickly?

Today was just bound to not go as planned. Joe forgot to set the alarm, and the entire household started the day on the wrong foot by starting late. The kids were late to school, which seemed to be disastrous for both of them. Jilly was irate that we forgot to set our alarm, causing her to have less preparation time to beautify her sixteen year old self. And even five year old Jessica was upset that she did not have time to brush all of her teeth ten times, and refused to say goodbye to me when I dropped her off at school.

On my part, I was frustrated with Joe too. He knew how important today and this appointment were to me. He knew how stressed and uncertain I was feeling about what was going on with my mother and what might be the reason for the strange behaviors my mother had been exhibiting. He knew this was important, and he forgot to set the alarm.

Sigh.

That seems to be happening often … sighing. It is as though there is so much air in my lungs, from holding my breath, that it constantly needs to be forcefully emptied with a full, loud expression of sighing. It seems that I sigh so that my body feels it, and my ears hear it to remind my body that I am still alive. I wonder if I ran away to a tropical island would I still be sighing?

I reached into my purse to check the time on my cell phone, but where is it? Oh no, I left it in the car! Maybe mother had called me with an explanation of why she was not here. Maybe her car wouldn’t start, or she fell, or her alarm didn’t get set (no, that would not have delayed her. My mother has been awakening earlier all the time for the past few years. She even phoned me last week at three in the morning to tell me about her neighbor’s falling the night before. She had awakened, gotten dressed, and had breakfast without noticing the time on any of the clocks in her house. No, an alarm clock was definitely not the reason she was not here).

I stood and approached the Vulture lady, “I just realized my cell phone is in my car, I will go get it to see if mother has phoned me.”

“Alright then,” Vulture lady said sharply, “but I can only hold your appointment time for another fifteen minutes.”

I sighed, “very well then.”

Unfading – Part 1

Unfading – Part 3

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The Great Unknown

Posted in GOD, life, WONDER, tagged Control Freak, Faith, Fear., Hope, Isaiah 43, Surprises, Waiting on November 1, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Hi, my name is Carole, and I am a control freak. Those who know me well (family, no comment is needed, I am admitting the reality you live with here in print … again Control Freak) this comes as no surprise, and for the rest of you … it comes as no surprise … sigh.

Speaking of surprises, I do not like them. I am not fond of even good, or nice surprises (although if Canada Revenue would like to finish hubby’s tax return and send us a cheque before the end of the year, I could be very fond of that surprise … just sayin’), and I am definitely not fond of bad or negative surprises (like our car driving itself down our driveway and planting itself into our sweet neighbor’s planter … sigh).

What is even worse than surprise, to a control freak, is waiting. Being a control freak and being deficient in patience seem to me to go together perfectly.

I never so keenly notice my undiagnosed ADD as when I am in a place of waiting. If people could see what goes on inside of me while I am waiting in a line at the grocery store, waiting for the end of a boring meeting, waiting for others to get their act together (and do what I want them to do), or waiting for my favorite Wednesday night TV show to come on (Criminal Minds) most would be very surprised at how chaotic and troubled it is in that mind of mine.

I hate having to wait!

When I am in a state of ‘waiting’ then my greatly over-gifted imagination kicks into high gear, and that is not a good thing! I can imagination all sorts of possible problems or curses or other bad things that might happen, because if I am waiting, I am not in control, and if I am not in control, then how can God know what to do next?

Really that is the core of my problem … I seem to think that God needs my help. He doesn’t, He just needs my obedience and my faith in His control of the situation. So, I will do my best today to place the reigns back in His nail scarred hands.

“Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.

I have loved you with an everlasting love…I hold you in the palm of my hands.

In my sight you are precious…do not be afraid I am with you.” Says the Lord God

Isaiah 43, 1-4

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Mammo-What? Part 1 Anticipation

Posted in women, WONDER, tagged Fear., First Mammogram, Mammogram, Women on July 18, 2011| 3 Comments »

I really do not mind having birthdays. I do not even mind the number of birthdays that I have had. Heck, I am not even that upset about my mid-life body (it wasn’t that great in my twenties, and I am more physically active now, so it’s actually on an upward trend … which is humerus, since most of my body parts are on a downward trend …).

What I am not excited about is the invasion of medical tests on my body just because it is over forty!

All of a sudden, my optometrist checks for things like cataracts, and the need for bifocals. My dentist is on the search for recessing gums. And, when I went for that annual ‘woman’ appointment (which I last had done … hum, five years ago), the delightful, cheery, youthful nurse (grrr!) says, “oh, you are forty-two … did you know that women over forty are recommended to have a mammogram every two years?’ Now, how would I know that, I’m only thirty-nine, with three years experience?

So today, like an inmate on death row, heading to the guillotine, I will go to my very first mammogram …

When I got the appointment, I told my hubby that I was going to blog about it, and he said, “you’re not?” And his shocked, astounded, unbelieving question cinched it 😉 (oh, the life of the woman who likes to shock her husband), so, here is the fruit of his amazement!

So, as I have been planning and preparing (mentally) for this appointment, I have been having flashbacks (not hot flashes … that is still to come … and when they do, I will probably blog about them) and nightmares.

The flashbacks have been to those mass emails about mammograms … that are ‘supposed’ to be funny. Come to think of it, they were funny … when I was too young to need to have one! Now their ‘humorous’ messages, make me feel sick to my stomach. Stories of having your ‘girls’ moved and molded like silly putty, between two cold, hard paddles of metal. Moving my ‘twin peeks’ into positions and for lengths of time that God Almighty NEVER intended them to be. I am feeling palpitations of Nascar speeds in my heart just thinking about it! What if, like my mom used to say about making funny faces behind people’s backs, that my bodacious tatas get so squeezed and twisted that they stay that way forever! What if my ‘hi beams’ become ‘low beams’?

Then there’s the nightmares … they are pretty much the same as the flashbacks, but at night, and more sweating is involved (and hubby is not involved in the sweating, other than him dialing 911, because he thinks I am having a heart attack, or seizure or that I’ve lost it … mentally … which, I have to say, I think maybe I am).

But, I am woman … and I will ‘suck it up’ because that is what we women do.

This, although unpleasant, is something that provides detection that women in years past would have, and did, die for.

So ladies (and sensitive male readers, who really do want to know what a woman thinks about the realities of her life), check back tomorrow, for the continuing saga of Mammo-What?

This must be done, and it could be worse …

I could be a man going to an appointment for a ‘digital’ check-up!

Mammo What Part 2 The Main Squeeze

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Walking Alone in a Wonder-filled Life

Posted in canada, GOD, life, Nature/Creation, The Beast, women, WONDER, tagged Accomplishment, Alone, Change, Competition, dog, Fear., Self-Reliance, walk on March 23, 2011| 2 Comments »

For weeks my husband’s been on a big ‘get and live healthier’ kick, I’ve been on more of a ‘get and live healthier’ … foot tap. He’s had stupendous success with weight loss, and I … I can now button my pants without first laying on the bed. He celebrated his success by increasing the minutes of walking he was doing, daily. I celebrated my success by going to a movie … not because of the movie, but because I wanted theater popcorn with REAL BUTTER, but, I digress.

After over 21 years of marriage, my significant other (who is getting less ‘significant’ with each walk) has walked with me more in the past three months than in the over twenty-one years before! And, it is now me who is walking with him! AND I often am trying to catch up! We have experienced true role-reversal in the area of walking, and, I don’t know if I like it. But, again, I digress.

When going for a walk, our usual P. O. A. (Plan Of Action) is to park, saddle up the beast, start the stopwatch app. on hubby’s phone, and head out. There is NEVER any stretching, and our warm-up only occurs when my knee is sore and I ‘suggest’ that we have a slow start. When this happens I can read hubby’s O. C. P. (Obsessive Compulsive Personality) non-verbal thoughts … “man, that means we won’t get as far on the path; could I ‘fudge’ what the stopwatch says?; this will seriously affect my results; the dog is so much easier to manage than ‘she’ is.” Okay, anyone who knows my husband (and his disdain for the dog) knows he would definitely not think the last thought! So we head out, at Mario Andretti speed, ready to plow over anyone, and anything in our way, because the goal is to get it done, and get it done fast!

So, we walk together quite often, and there is a particular trail that we love. It is safe, populated and beautiful. But it is a little … wilderness-y. And, although I love the great outdoors, I have a problem with places where there are ‘bear alert’ signs. I do not like wilderness-y that is fast enough, big enough and hungry enough to eat me! So, I have been content to only walk this trail with hubby.

The problem is, he left town. So I was left with a dilemma, I am now a ‘habitual’ walker, and can’t just stop because he’s not here, but … my fear of being eaten is huge! So, my plan was that I would walk a local track (knee pain keeps me off of concrete and asphalt). It too is safe, populated and, if you look beyond the track, beautiful! Problem solved! Until this morning, when my beast, Shiloh, looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes, non-verbally communicating that she NEEDED to go for a walk, in the sun, today! What’s a non-wilderness-y girl to do?

I’ll update you later 😉 … if the bears don’t get me!

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