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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

A Journey into my Colon

Posted in Guest Post, life, WONDER, tagged a journey into my colon, bowel cancer, Colonoscopy, colorectal cancer, Dave Berry, humor, joke, medical test, medicine, Miami Hearld, over 50 on January 13, 2013| Leave a Comment »

colonoscopy-jokes-tax-increases-political-poster-1283526582 A couple of months ago I received an email forward of a humorous depiction of a man’s experience having had a colonoscopy. I laughed so hard that I thought my insides would burst from the intensity of my giggling.

A colonoscopy is a medical procedure that most of us ~~should~~ will experience. It is our best indicator of numerous things, but especially of colon cancer (also called colorectal cancer or bowel cancer).

According to the Canadian Cancer Society:

colon cancer is the third most common cancer

in 2012, an estimated 23,300 Canadians will have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and 9,200 will die of it

it is the second leading cause of death from cancer in men and women combined

apx. 10,300 women will be diagnosed with colorectal cancer and 4,200 will die of it.

apx. 13,000 men will be diagnosed with colorectal cancer and 5,000 will die of it.

one in 13 men is expected to develop colorectal cancer during his lifetime and one in 28 will die of it.

one in 16 women is expected to develop colorectal cancer during her lifetime and one in 32 will die of it.

All of the above mentioned facts make the reason for the procedure no laughing matter. At the same time, avoiding this procedure, simply out of fear is also not funny, or wise.

In this guest post, Dave Berry weaves a humorous tale in his article, A Journey into my Colon.

I encourage you to click on the link, read, laugh, then consider how much less frightening this procedure can be when we consider how treatable this cancer is, when diagnosed early (plus he has a down-loadable certificate 😉 ).

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My Friend

Posted in WONDER, tagged female, For Such a Time as This, friend, Friendship, humor, relationship, sharing, sisters, Thankful on October 11, 2012| Leave a Comment »

As we walked down the streets of the village, the warm autumn sun shining brightly, stepping into and out of shops that caught our eye, I felt such a profound sense of thankfulness for this friend at my side. At one point, I introduced her to someone as my friend, and a realization filled my heart … I have a friend.

We have only known of each other for a bit more than two years, but my dependence on her in my life makes it seem like we have been friends since the beginning of time. We met through my oldest daughter who coached her kids, and had become friends with their mom, through swimming. I feel a bit like I stole this lady out from under my daughters sight.

I love her wit, her sarcasm, and her passion for anything she sets her mind to. I am excited for her, as she works towards her Masters degree, in education. I love that our friendship is one, not just of female conversation, but of just being comfortable and content to be together, whether over coffee, while grocery shopping or watching our kids swim together.

Her children are still in elementary school, and they bring back the joy of shrieking and giggling into my life. She even has fantastic taste in names, as she has a Little Ben, and I the Big Ben (considering her hubby’s height, I look forward to seeing if their titles stay, or switch, as they grow). Her daughter is a bright and focused first born, who loves books and pretty things. Her hubby is a good man, who loves his family and works a job that exhibits his care for community as a firefighter.

Although I do love their family as a whole (and get that mid-life-crises mama feeling of joy when her son and daughter wrap their arms around my neck), it is my friend who I love the most.

With her, I feel no need to ‘be’ someones mom or wife. My only ‘role’ is that of friend. I am not expected to open up and share my every inner thought and feeling, nor do I feel the need to have her reveal hers. We truly, simply, enjoy spending time together. Although I have never had a sister, I wonder if this relationship is what it is like to have a life-long, blood-related girl sibling.

For years I have struggled with having time for friends. Our life is so busy, that I have often felt as though I needed to guard my every spare moment for my hubby and kids. I have struggled with feeling that perhaps friendships within the church (hubby’s workplace) are due more to my hubby’s role. These struggles, I see now, are mine, and ones that I need to overcome.

This friend is not a friend from church, not a friend from a situation, it is like she was hand placed, at my side, by the One who knew I needed her in my life. I am thankful for her … so very thankful, and believe that we were placed at each others side for such a time as this.

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Filling out Forms

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Allergies, Answering Questions, Bed Wetting, Filling in Blanks, Filling out Forms, humor, Mischevous on January 23, 2012| 2 Comments »

As I was preparing to leave for work the other day, I grabbed the papers in my mailbox, shoved them into my bag, and headed out the door. When I got home and dumped my belongings onto my bed I noticed there was a form there, a staff intention form for the next school year.

The staff intention form is just that, a form that allows my employer know what I hope to do next year; whether I plan to return to work at the school, whether I desire to switch campus (from High to Middle or Elementary), whether I desire a different job assignment or stay with the student(s), and if I have any questions. Now there is no magic fairy that waves it’s magic wand and can ensure that my wish is their command, but it does allow us, as staff, to wish upon a star.

But, I digress …

Because what I really wanted to write about today is my evil side … when it comes to filling out forms. There is nothing so amazingly exciting to me as a form, with all those boxes to check, and dates to fill in, and questions to answer. Believe me, it has nothing to do with a love of paperwork, but more the possible ways I might (not so accurately) fill in the blanks.

This is not a love that my children share with me, but that is understandable, since it is usually for them that I am filling out forms … although I have noticed that they are taking their forms to the dad more often. I should explain …

When my kids need a form filled out, often there is a question like:

Is your child allergic to anything?

And I respond … air

Or, for camp:

Are there any dietary restrictions for your child?

And I respond … foods made with animals, grains, and produce give her extreme case of flatulence (she gets it from her father’s side).

Does your child have a bed wetting problem?

And I respond … yes … hum, that might explain last summer when my daughter said she was the only one with a plastic mattress at camp …

Maybe I should have responded … only if she is sleeping in a bed?

Or, for immunization forms:

Please list the last Tetanus shot date

And I respond … who is tetanus and why is he shooting? or, you did it last time, why can’t you remember?

For some unknown reason, this sort of thing just makes my day! I love the thought of being cheeky or mischevous, and I especially love the thought of someone reading the form and getting a laugh, or smile from my insane nature.

Now to fill out my form …

What are your intentions for the next school year?

This is gonna be fun!

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Laughing at Myself

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged embarrassment, Facepalm, humor, Laugh at myself, Life, Wonder on August 8, 2011| 2 Comments »

Oh my goodness … my roots are blond (I mean before they were gray)! And today was a day to prove just that.

I awoke a few minutes before my alarm this morning, so I was able to be out of the shower by 5:45am … a great success, and a positive omen of the day to come. I had to have daughter number two at the local swimming pool at 6:20am, for warm ups for the swim meet she was to compete at.

As I was getting myself ready, I took all the essentials out of my bathroom cupboard, to ensure that I hit all body parts that needed morning attention. You know: toothbrush and toothpaste for the teeth (and for everyone around me), antiperspirant for the pits (and for everyone around me), brush for the mop of unmanageable hair, body spray for a pleasant scent, and hairspray to keep every hair in place.

So, I was preening and primping when I realized that I was about to spray my body spray on my hair … but … I had just sprayed my body, and it was with a different container … Oh crap! I had just sprayed hairspray all over my body (does this mean that my body would hold it’s shape all day long?)!

And, of course, I posted this on Facebook …

So, I knew my day was sure to have no place to go but up!

Until … at the swim meet. I was spending the day in concession, selling foods and snacks to the hungry swimmers and their families and friends. But, my sweet older daughter, was good enough to let me know when her sister was to compete, by sending me a text message when the time was soon. So, I received a message “1 more heat” followed by ” I’m hoping you’re watching” … Well I moved faster than you can say ‘you’ve got egg on your face.’ As I raced closer to the pool I could hear people cheering and yelling “go Christiana!”

Yikes, I was going to miss it, if I didn’t hussle my butt.

I turned the corner, and spotted her head bobbing in and out of the water, as she swam butterfly. I stood at the corner of the pool, feeling proud that I hadn’t missed her race, and cheering loudly for her … along with others cheering her on. And as I looked around I realized that the others who were cheering her on … I didn’t know them! And they were not from our team! And, as the race was finishing, my daughter, Christiana, was walking towards me with a look that said, ‘you are so pathetic, Mom.’ And yes, it is true, I was cheering like a banshee … for someone who was not my daughter. In the texted words of my older daughter, just moments later, “face palm.”

And, of course, I posted this on Facebook …

And this day of mine, the comedy of errors that it was, became the topic of dinner conversation tonight. And my kids couldn’t believe that I would post my stupidity for all my ‘friends’ on facebook to see … ‘why would you tell people stuff like that … how humiliating’ was their most common response.

And all I could say in response was, I’m okay with laughing at myself. And, I am.

There was a time when I would NEVER have admitted to such faux pas! I would have been mortally embarrassed, publicly humiliated and feeling a need to move to another country, to avoid being found out. But those days are over … in my ‘maturing’ (out of my natural blond for my well-hidden gray), I have been learning to enjoy the immature. I have come to the conclusion that the stupid things I do, and the ridiculous mistakes that I make … well, most people experience similar … and that the embarrassment actually dissipates faster when you give it light, and … a hardy laugh.

So, I expect that the weird and wonderful will continue to come my way, and you can expect that …

I will probably post it on facebook,

And maybe even write a post about it 😉

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Beast Friend with Benefits

Posted in The Beast, WONDER, tagged Beast, Benefits, humor on July 5, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I love to walk with my beasty, and when my beast and I are out on a walk we are both seeking the benefits from the walk.

My beast loves the fresh air, and I love the fresh air.

My beast loves the people (who say ‘what a pretty dog’), and I love the people (to greet, and exchange ‘niceties’).Oh, my goodness, how I get the beast and her fattened head into my vehicle at the end of our walks, I am not sure. Every time we are walking towards someone, she looks right into their face, non-verbally communicating ‘please notice how pretty I am.’ And if they do say words of praise, her head goes up higher, her tail wags with the force of a taser, and I’m sure she is sucking in her gut. Then she looks at me as if to say, ‘okay, your turn, tell me just how beautiful I am. And then she walks down the path like a model walks down a runway … until we meet up with another person, coming our way. Seriously, she is the most praise-seeking beast on the planet! But, I digress.

My beast loves the exercise, and I love the walk (you won’t catch me saying I LOVE exercise).

My beast loves the river, and I love the looking at the river to see if it has gone up or
down … lately it is different every day I am there. My beast loves it when I stop to allow her to get a drink from the river. I far prefer to wait until we have completed our walk, drive to my favorite cafe, and order a blended fruit puree … it makes the ‘exercise’ part of the walk so rewarding! But my beast thinks the Fraser River is delightfully refreshing … blech!

My beast loves the bunnies (and would love to catch one), I love to see the bunnies. The first summer we had our beast, she was in our back yard, and very preoccupied with something on the ground. Then the ‘something’ on the ground got tossed up into the air … and it was … furry! So, I quickly went out to investigate. I discovered that she was ‘entertained’ by a half eaten, cute (well, not so cute when I saw it, but I imagined that it was cute before beasty got a hold of it), furry, little bunny (thoughts of Thumper came to mind). Sigh, how could a dog so gentle, and sweet, pretty and who loves and protects us all so well, be so … beastly? (do not answer that, hubby) So, the first thought that goes through her mind, when we see a cute little bunny, is LUNCH! And this usually results in what happened last evening (eight times!), a near shoulder dislocation on my part … as those cute, but dumb bunnies go hopping across the pathway mere feet from my beastly beast! But, I digress … again.

My beast loves to look at the sights and sounds, and so do I. I look at the mountains, the trees and the plants. My beast listens for sounds of a favorite delicacy of hers … bees (and we always know when they sting her, because she gags more than my daughter when she has to eat something green), and looks for the most lush green grass … to crap on!

My beast loves the dogs that we pass … and I love to see them pass! You see dogs, like humans, seem to have an ‘inner sense’ about another of their own kind coming their way. Her tail wags at some, but not at others. Sometimes she pulls to ‘sniff and lick’ with them, but not others. Sometimes it is a poodle … and I get to experience, yet again, a near shoulder dislocation! My beast has a ‘thing’ for poodles … generally standard poodles, not the little ‘toy’ versions. And there is nothing worse for me, than for her to catch sight of a poodle that is off leash (I want to declare right here and now that I do not like people who insist on walking their undisciplined dogs off leash, on a trail (my trail) that is not an off leash trail … there, I feel better now).

We share so much … I can’t wait for out walk of the day.

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If You go into the Woods Today

Posted in Nature/Creation, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged Adventure, humor, If you go into the woods on May 10, 2011| 7 Comments »

I was so sure that my bear fear was overcome, with taking on walking in the (civilized) wilderness. But, alas, not so.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl (that would be me). Now this little girl was a blank slate … in the beginning. But that blank slate got written on … in the form of little kid songs, and poems and stories.

bear

The songs …

‘The Bear Went Over the Mountain”, “The Teddy Bear Picnic”

The poems …

“Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear”, “Round and Round the Garden”

The stories …

“Goldie Locks and the Three Bears”, “Yogi Bear”, “Winnie the Pooh”

Notice a ‘theme’ here? BEARS! I am convinced that they are haunting me … on my walks, in my dreams, and in far too many blogs! And here I go again …

So, it is a beautiful evening. The sun has peeked through the rain-drenched clouds to provide a perfect opportunity to walk my favorite trail. My beast is ready, as always, to walk, and sniff and … poo! My fine-tuned muscles are ready for a good one hour work-out (there’s LOTS of sarcasm in this comment … in case you couldn’t read it). I am ready, in every possible way.

This time, because I am now fearless of the ‘bear signs’, I start at the, more wooded, Derby Reach end of the trail. And my beast went wild! It always throws her off, in an exciting sort of way, when we walk in a ‘different’ place, or do anything out of the ordinary. There are new sights, new scents, and new, unpredictable living creatures to want to chase and eat (like geese, instead of the bunnies at the other end of the trail). But, I digress …

So, off the beast and I go, for our exercise at sunset.

Oddly enough, despite a beautiful evening, despite a perfect trail, despite the fact that this particular evening was the first respite from the recent monsoons, the trail was … quiet … empty … almost … uninhabited!

But that way A-OK, because I was footloose and carefree (if you watched me walk, you would probably add clumsy)!

So we walk to our ’30min. mark’ … a little walk, because I had to go pick up my swimming daughters. We paused to take in the view, the springtime scents, and for beasty to do her ‘business’ (and yes, I had a poo bag). And then we turned back to where we had come.

About half way back to our starting point, I started to notice that my beast was … shirking (I’m not sure if ‘shirking’ is a real word, but Dr. Seuss used it, so I’ll trust his authority). Now my beast is a bit of a … wimp, and shirking is not something new to her (unless a cat walks onto our property … then, heaven help the window she is aggressively trying to break through), but this was … different.

The hairs on the back of my neck felt as though they were going to puncture through my shirt. My heart was pounding so hard that my upper ribs ached. And it was pounding so loudly, I could hear it over the birds … wait! There were no birds chirping … other than my heartbeat, there was no sound … at all.

My fearlessness was gone. Then I started to smell something, something putrid, something awful. I remembered hearing that you would always smell a bear before you would see it … oh no, my fear, could it be coming true? Could there be a bear near the trail I was walking on? Could there be a bear near … me?

I decided to quicken my pace! My beast decided she wanted to not move at all! How dare she turn on me now?! And let me tell you, the way she was acting, I was very aware that SHE would not be my protector!

I paused, looked deep into the wooded areas ALL AROUND ME … I heard NOTHING, and, thankfully, I saw nothing … but, wait … off to my right there was … something … just a dark form, but it was something …

Then I started to have a one-person conversation … with myself …

Okay, Carole, do not panic …

What do you mean do not panic? I’m about to be the lunch at a teddy bear picnic!

Remember what you are supposed to do if you see a bear in the woods …

RUN!

No Carole, think …

Okay … run FAST!

Carole, breath … now think …

(this monologue, dialogue was good, as it took my mind … and my eyes … off the dark form in the woods)

Okay, um … ‘avoid bears’ … that is my main goal!

And …

Um … look tall and don’t be frightened … are you kidding me? That is impossible!

Carole, focus …

Okay, um … play dead? Seriously, this cannot possibly work!

Carole, what kind of bear is it? A grizzly or a black bear?

What? Do you want me to see if I have a bear identification ‘app’ on my iPhone? How do I know what kind of bear it is? Heck, where is it? It’s gone! That’s it, I don’t care what I am ‘supposed’ to do if I encounter a bear … I’m running!

(my ‘other’ voice is drowned out as my life flashes through my mind)

I run, for what seems like forever, and at speeds that even the Bionic Woman could not achieve. My beast is resembling the Bionic Dog!

And then, I feel something, on my shoulder, and hear an awful growl … I’m … gonna … die … It’s got me in a bear grasp … I cannot get free … I kick … I squirm … it won’t let go …

And then, I open my eyes …

It’s my hubby, back in Canada, back in our house, back in our bed (after far too long), arms around me, whispering in my ear …

“It’s okay, Carole, it was just a dream, you’re okay … stop kicking me!”

It took me a minute to realize that I was dreaming …

Welcome home Hubby 😉

“Old Bear slept and dreamed,

dreamed and slept.

When he finally woke up, it seemed to him that no time had past,

since he fell asleep.

He yawned and he stretched.

He poked his head out of his den, to see if it was still snowing.

He blinked, and he blinked again,

and when Old Bear walked out into the beautiful spring day

it took him a minute to realize

that he wasn’t dreaming.”

Kevin Henkes from “Old Bear”

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I Miss My Baby Girl!

Posted in FAMILY, life, Love, The Kids, women, WONDER, tagged Adventure, Girls, humor, Lonely, Love, Wonder on March 29, 2011| Leave a Comment »

So, it’s been a week since part of my family left. And, man, have I accomplished lots!

I’ve worked in the garden (freshly laid out grass seeds are currently being drenched by yet another ‘mini’ monsoon), organized ‘piles’ of stuff to put elsewhere (some of us are ‘pilers’ and some of us are … messy), taken a day trip with eldest daughter (you will so be hearing about that trip!) and cleaned the house (a very full, extremely heavy, garbage can was taken to the curb last night … not this morning, as is often the case, when another (male) resident of the house frequently chases the garbage truck down the street, with the can … name withheld to protect the guilty).

It has been a good week!

But the dancing through the house in my undies like Tom Cruise in ‘Risky Business’ (yet another indicator of just how archaic I am, AND an added bonus for those who know me is to now have been given FAR too much information, and a visual that they just do not want) is now past. And I am missing my Baby Girl 😦

It is not that she is the only one I am missing … I do miss her brother and her dad, but tonight when Skype was choppy (grrrrrr!), and she kept getting ‘offlined’ by Facebook … my heart just longed for her. It felt as though she and I needed to be together, and the big, bad technology gods were not letting it happen.

It was one of those momma-longings. I remember when she would be sleeping (finally … let me tell you the moments I am about to share were pretty much non-existent for the first two sleepless years of her life) and I would look in on her and everything within me wanted to pick her up and just ‘drink in’ her unique scent …

By the way, for those first two years I NEVER actually did pick her up … heck, I was so sleep deprived that I rarely checked on her if she was sleeping … sleep was a longing that this momma rarely ever had fulfilled.But, I digress.

Anyway, tonight as I ‘chatted-choppily’ on Skype with her dad and brother, I got this longing for her. Then, when she still hadn’t ‘appeared’ in the conversation, I realized that she might be struggling with the thunderstorm they were having, and I NEEDED MY BABY GIRL. Because, even if the thunderstorm was not bothering her mature Middle School person, it was bothering her momma here that I could not hold her in my arms.

I’m so glad times have changed, and that she doesn’t leave me sleep-deprived anymore (of course I recognize that surely that will re-occur in the years to come). I’m so glad that I am not scared to go and watch her sleep peacefully (this does not happen late at night, as I am old, and she is … adolescent. It happens anytime before noon, but after 6am, when I awaken). I am so glad that, even though she is adolescent (and I am … old) we both need to hold each other.

So, Baby Girl, whether you read this tonight, or tomorrow morning (or, in 10 years, because you think reading your mom’s blog is ‘lame’) I want you to know that when you were in Middle School your mom longed to hold you, and talk to you (and give you hints about what I got you for your birthday), and …

I miss you Baby Girl, sleep well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6QGTKrj97g