Posts Tagged ‘modesty of the emotional variety’

As I read the following post by Holly Gerth, I sighed and muttered under my breath,


thank-you for addressing this topic.

thank-you for telling it like it is.

thank-you for bringing light to something women do, and shouldn’t.

because I have seen where it can go …

a lack of emotional modesty.”

We have all seen it, heard about it, or maybe even experienced it …

The life of a couple gets busy, time for each other gets squeezed out by jobs, kids, community, church, the football game, that great new novel, the guys weekend fishing, the girls weekend fishing … and the emotional needs (as valid and necessary to living healthy as exercise, good food, relaxation or sex) of the wife go unmet. She is feeling left out, unloved … her cup is empty and dry. She tells this to a male co-worker, a guy at the gym, the man she leads worship with at church and HE LISTENS!

He listens like her words are important. He listens like she is important. He listens …

And, because he has met an emotional need for her (one that her husband is not meeting, and does not even seem to know exists) she begins to feel something …

Please continue reading Holley’s blog post (posted both at her sight and at (in)courage … she says this so well!

“Hey, Friend, pull up a chair and lean in close because I want to have a heart-to-heart talk with you about something that’s important for all of us as women.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine were chatting. Her husband is in a leadership role at a church and she shared how women often confide in him in ways that are personal. That led us to a discussion about how easy it is to share your heart with men who are not your husband these days. There are plenty of opportunities to send a Facebook message, email, or open up to a guy friend. Yet here’s the thing: I believe that baring our hearts makes us just as vulnerable as baring our bodies.

If you are married and a man is not your husband, do not share your heart with him.

And if you are single, do not share your heart with a married man.

Let’s embrace emotional modesty. Emotional modesty means we see our hearts as a great treasures only to be shared with the man who is our spouse. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” {Proverbs 4:23}. Women are more vulnerable to emotional affairs and where our emotions go, our thoughts and bodies often follow. We know that, right?

We don’t go into situations thinking, “Oh, this might be the beginning of an emotional affair.” Instead we have a bad day and find a sympathetic listening male ear. Or we discover we’re writing longer emails to a particular coworker. We reconnect with an old flame on Facebook.

If you find yourself emotionally drawn to a man besides your spouse ask, “What unmet need is this highlighting in my marriage?” Then go to your spouse or both of you go to a counselor and find a way to get that need met.

My husband is incredibly practical and I’m highly emotional. For the first years of our marriage there were times I felt disconnected from him because he approached life head first and I approached it heart first. With some wise advice, lots of patience, and weekly breakfast dates we began learning to communicate. And we’re still learning.

Here’s what I didn’t know when I tied the knot: Marriage takes work, friends. A lot of work. There’s a myth that says, “If you love someone you won’t have to work at it.” But I’ve come to believe the truth sounds more like this, “If you love someone you will work at it.” When you emotionally attach to another man, it lets you avoid that work. And in the moment, that feels pretty good. But it has devastating consequences long-term.

Whew, this was a hard post to write. I hope you hear my motivation behind it and it’s this: I love you. I love your marriage. I love your heart and I believe it’s a treasure worth guarding. And I love your daughters–so please talk to them about this, too.

Let’s help each other with this, friends, okay? We’re made to live in community. We’re made for connection. God just gives us boundaries for doing so because he wants what’s truly best for us.”

Holley Gerth

For another take on this issue, I highly recommend the movie, Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor (trailer below) :

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