A number of weeks back I read an article titled, as this post is titled, “It Matters Who You Marry,” and as I read it I I found my head nodding in agreement with the message it presented.
Working in a high school I see the budding of ‘love’ down every hallway I walk. I see girls admiring the guys who can entertain a crowd, who have fancy cars and fancy clothes, the guys who are amazing athletes and who are ‘cute.’ As an older ‘girl’ with a few more years life (and fat cells) under my belt, I find myself shaking my head as I view the sights. I wish that there were some way of communicating to these girls that the pattern of their interest in guys now, will create a template for their life partner choice later down the road.
But, I know that for most of us, it is experience that is the best teacher. And so I just hope that they learn it young, and that the experience does not break them totally. I hope too that for each one, there might be a person who will speak into their lives with love, and grace, and gentleness … and honesty.
I encourage you to click on the link, following a portion of the article, written by Rebecca VanDoodewaard (RVD). Maybe it will encourage you to be that person in the life of a young woman, who helps her through the minefield of choosing who to date … and why.
“My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage. So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues. Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.”Click on The Christian Pundit to keep reading.
itsawonderfilledlife 
Thanks for this advize-link: I am so happy with the man I choose but many young woman are blind in their love and I think I will translate this text to give to the girls in Sundayschool.
You are glowing 🙂 What an amazing testimony, and soooo encouraging to read about. Thank you for sharing it so freely.
Its about time we start telling men they can be picky too.
I’ll Start:
Men,
That girl you are with, the one who gets angry and throws fits, and abuses you, that won’t stop when you marry her. It also won’t stop when you have kids. Modern America and especially the American evangelical church have gone beyond simply sweeping the epidemic proportions of female-on-male abuse under the rug, they have purposely obfuscated statistics.
It’s ok to hold out for a woman who is mature, kind, generous, intelligent and educated. Its ok to require that your future spouse is financially independent, and financially savvy.
You had better darn well make sure she is the kind of woman that will hold you up and encourage you to be the best man you can be, as you will hold her up and encourage her.
Sex? Yeah, that’s important too. There’s nothing like two people in tune, in and out of the bedroom. Both should be giving and generous. Is she healthy mentally and physically in this area? Do you believe this is the person you will be with for the rest of your life? Then you better be sure before you spend the next 40-60 years with someone who is unhealthy, or won’t/does not want to have sex with you.
Is she a kind person? Watch how she interacts with her family, men, children, and other women. Is she volatile? Are you going to have to have the back of someone that is oftentimes the “wrong” party in an argument?
Are you religious? Will your wife respect your religion and your beliefs? Will she encourage your growth in this area?
Does She have a life outside of her family? Does she have friends (are they good people too?)
Has she ever been gainfully employed? A girl who has never had to support herself is out of touch with reality. You need to be able to talk dollars and cents and strike a cord. Finances and your shared financial future are at stake.
Does she encourage you in your interests? This does not mean she has the same interests, but does she encourage you in yours and allow you the time and space to pursue them?
Is she healthy? Is her family/family history healthy? You two are probably going to have kids and there is nothing wrong with wanting them to be as healthy as possible.
Does she respect your emotional needs? A woman who ignores your emotional needs during the hard times (and there will be hard times) is no match. Family members die, get sick and age. Work life ups and downs. Cherished pets pass away. Will she be there through it all?
Your choice in a woman will drastically impact your health. Will she encourage your health in eating and exercise? Will worrying about your relationship bring you to an early grave? Stomach and body ailments abound in a stressful home environment. Solomon had quite a few words to say about this matter.
Your choice in a wife will impact your family relationships for the rest of your life. Will she encourage your relationships or tear them down? Will you have to spend holidays and weekend with in laws that you cant stand? Will you have to care for those same in laws when they are old? Will your wife help you care for your family as they age and grow?
Does she understand and recognize healthy male/female relationships?
How does she feel about marriage and frivolous divorce? The church is rife with support for frivolous divorce and even encourages it with “divorce porn” like “fireproof”. Does She understand you can’t always make her “happy” and there WILL be hard times to go through?
Men, it’s ok to hold out for the right woman. Don’t get in a rush to get married, it might be the worst decision in your life.
Prov. 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”
Whoever you are, your suggestion that men need to be reminded that they too can be picky is so true … I simply struggle, as a woman, to give such leading as you (who I presume to be a man) have done so well. Being the man God created men to be, as you have stated, is so difficult in Modern North America (churches included). Just turning on the TV invites the de-masculinization of men right into our living rooms, and sadly that has become the typical definition of man. A sad state! Thanks, whoever you are, for providing a view of the other side of the coin. Carole
Carole Wheaton
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[…] It Matters who you Marry […]
Just came across this and think it is a great article, but it seems to me that it will fall on deaf ears. The main issue is that these girls will not learn their lesson because almost everything in western society is geared towards enabling them to make these decisions.
I’ll start by stating that the article that mentions the two boys and a girl missed one really important thing. The reason the girl wasn’t with the nerdy guy probably had little to do with his glasses and lack of cool hair. It likely had everything to do with the fact that the nerdy guy was too much of a nice guy and did not have a jerk or bad boy personality. The fact that her boyfriend poured a drink on her likely even intensified her attraction for him. I know it sounds crazy, but we have all seen it hundreds or thousands of times – the very sweet, beautiful, and desirable girl, with the jerk. The reality is that most girls are helplessly attracted to the bad boy types. It’s human nature.
The only reason that girls, up until the last few decades, avoided coupling with the bad boys is because they knew that these kinds of guys don’t make stable long-term mates and providers. There a two very important things that have changes in the last few decades. One is Birth control. Back in the day, sex meant pregnancy. A girl would not risk getting pregnant by a non-committal bad boy. Secondly, women now can work and get rather high paying jobs. The vast majority of women did not have any means to make a living for themselves until very recently. Now that women are educated, can be easily employed, and have birth control, they effectively don’t require the stable nice guy provider and can go after the sexy bad boys, almost entirely consequence free.
Add those two big things to the fact that families are lacking masculine fathers and feminine mothers more than ever, and it is a recipe for disaster. We are moving from a “K-selection” society to an “r-selection” society.
Did not mean to be doom and gloom, but just putting some perspective into this whole discussion.
Speaking as a non-religious man who married a devout woman and who saw this article posted years ago by an in-law (and who is still angered by it years later), I am offended and infuriated by the slanderous tone of the article. Just because I am a non-believer doesn’t make me a lazy, abusive, porn-addicted cheater. My wife and I have been married for 12 years, are happy and able to respect – even if we don’t share – each others’ beliefs.
I realize this article was written years ago, but I am hoping that by finally being able to make my disgust with it known, I can finally move on.
Apologies. I meant to say the “It matters who you marry” article was offensive.