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Giving out of Weakness

Posted in The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #givingoutofweakness, #hehealsthebrokenhearted on April 23, 2019| Leave a Comment »

It was a bad day (days, weeks) when I felt a sadness that was so … profound. It filled all of me, right down to my soul, darkening even the light of life within me.

The reason for this profound sadness is far less important than the salve, the comfort that was given in response to it’s presence.

My hubby is a great guy, who is always eager to help myself or our kids. He will always drop what he is doing to help us out.

Here’s the thing … he does not like or know what to do with tears. This has, at times been a problem, for a wife and two daughters with enough estrogen to produce oceans of tears. So, I simply do not (generally) allow tears to fall in his presence (not that I am a frequent crier).

On this particular day, when the sadness was so heavy, so profound, I flopped onto the bed, hoping to catch a Sunday nap beside hubby.

The thing was that I could no longer keep the sadness in, and it began pouring from my eyes, unstoppable sobs rattling my entire body. The grief of my sadness emanating from the sorrow within me.

All of a sudden strong and loving arms reached out and around me, surrounding me in comfort and care. He kissed the top of my head, holding me tight.

I lay there, wrapped in loving arms and wet from my tears, for unknown minutes.

No wordy solutions to fix my unfixable, no platitudes … just the comfort from one, giving out of weakness, to one who felt weak.

His actions were like bandages for my broken heart. He didn’t try to make it all better, he just reminded me that I was worth it. He was Jesus, with skin on, to me that day.

He heals the brokenhearted,
and bandages their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

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love is …

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #annvoskamp, #definelove, #grittylove, #inconvenientlove, #indestructiblelove, #inefficientlove, #loveinmarriage, #loveis, #whathaveyoudoneforme, #whatislove on September 30, 2018| 6 Comments »

If we are growing and maturing, our definition of love changes as we grow older.

From when we are children and love could be defined as who makes us feel secure by meeting our needs, to when we become teens, then young adults and love could be defined as who makes us feel unconditionally accepted, special. Then, as adults, it is all about is he/she meeting my needs.

Hum … no change there really, as it would seem to be defined by what have you done for me lately.

At the mid point of life, if love is still part of your life, if marriage is still part of your life, it starts to change (ever so g r a d u a l l y ).

It becomes more about maintaining each other, caring for each other.

A number of weeks ago I came across this quote by Ann Voskamp:

“Love is always
inconvenient
inefficient
indestructible”

Not a quote one would expect to hear at a wedding ceremony! Yet, for those who have persevered through love, for love, that quote is real, truth.

We have persevered, hubby and I. Not just hubby, not just I, but both of us, in little and big ways. It has been twenty-nine years (tomorrow) of persevering through love, for love.

Twenty-nine years of inconvenient love. Love that has gotten in the way of our individual interests, love that has been daily overriding individual interests, as we each bend and sway to the other, for the other. For the individual cannot survive in love without sacrificing for the other.

Twenty-nine years of inefficient love. Love that is not slick and polished, but often unproductive and amateurish. Love that doesn’t often work like a well-oiled machine, but often one that requires time adjusting, adjusting, adjusting. So many kinks to work out … and usually, they are not his, but mine.

Twenty-nine years of … how does one say, until at the very end, that it is indestructible love? Though the definition of what love is may change, it is proven only in it’s longevity, it’s indestructiblity. Grit (a determination that is strong-willed and to the end) in love is the major ingredient determining whether or not it is indestructible.

Though it is not flowery or romantic sounding, I’d take the real thing … inconvenient, inefficient, indestructible love … twenty-nine years and counting.

“Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.”
CS Lewis

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Shower Cap Love

Posted in Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #breathoffreshair, #ecclesiastes9:9, #laughteristhebestmedicine, #marriageneedslaughter, #showercaplove, Marriage on August 2, 2018| 3 Comments »

Screen Shot 2018-07-31 at 8.50.57 AM Marriage should never be boring … right?

So, I recently learned something about my hubby of nearly twenty-nine years, and it all started with an invite to a shower (no, not a bridal shower … the one in the bathroom) … is that too much information? Probably … oh well …

So, he was heading to the shower and I said, quite innocently, “can I pop in too?”

His response was … typical (I am NOT going to define that), followed by a shocking comment, “as long as you don’t wear that shower cap”.

Truly the floor fell out from beneath my feet.

I mean I had just gotten it (new house, new shower cap) and it was so nice to replace the one with the broken elastic that could easily have been replaced with a Ziplock freezer bag, with better results.

What followed was a hysterical conversation about how … uninspiring my (pretty) (new) (practical) shower cap was, in his eyes.

This was a breath-of-fresh air, humorous sharing that felt so good … so … not serious.

Sometimes marriage can become all about the decisions, the hard stuff, the heart-breaking stuff, the mundane stuff. Sometimes marriage just needs laughter that is inspired by something unimportant and silly. Sometimes marriage just needs giggles about something that no one else would understand. That laughter is from a place that is deeper and more intimate than any other words or act.

“Live happily with the woman (man) you love
through all the meaningless days of life
that God has given you under the sun.
The wife (hubby) God gives you
is your reward for all your earthly toil.”
Ecclesiastes 9:9

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The Culinary Miracle

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #cookingfordummies, #roastbeef, #successfulwife, #theculinarymiracle, #yorkshirepudding on November 14, 2017| 3 Comments »

Attachment-1

As I bent to look into the oven, I closed my eyes, and whispered, prayerfully, “please let them at least look like Yorkshire Pudding”

and they did!

Only twenty-eight plus years into our marriage, I finally made a roast beef dinner to write home about (and not with laughing emojis, either).

To make a roast beef dinner has always been an anxiety-ridden attempt for me.

First, because is is hubby’s most favourite meal … ever!

Second, because I did not grow up eating roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding.

Third, because hubby has taken me to homes where the perfection of the roast beef dinner would make Julia Child weep like a baby. I mean how can a woman possibly compete with the culinary expertise of women with wrinkles, calloused hands and support hose?

It’s not that I am a novice in the kitchen. As a matter of fact, my turkey dinners are pretty amazing (if I do say so, myself), complete with stuffing that makes even the most disciplined diner, undo the bottom on their pants), I make a chicken curry that makes one’s taste buds sing in Eastern dialects, and I can create the most tasty hamburgers themed Mexican, traditional, Greek and Italian.

But roast beef success had failed to be mine.

This weekend I so wanted to make his taste buds dance. I knew that the only way to this man’s heart is beef gravy poured into stiff, well-raised Yorkshire Puddings, so I determined to win this man’s full attention with a culinary miracle.

I did what any (desperate) woman would do in my place … I Googled:

“melt in your mouth roast beef”
“Yorkshire Pudding for dummies”

And I did exactly what they told me to do.

And it worked!

Those Yorkshire Puddings stood more than an inch over the rim of the muffin tins (in the past they were never even visible at the rim). The beef so tender and juicy. The gravy was the icing on the … Pudding.

Ah, now I can fully and confidently walk, with my head held high, on the arm of my well-fed hubby.

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A Love of Giving

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #aloveofgivng, #fishlove, #rabbiabrahamtwerski, Anniversary, ephesians5:1-2, Marriage on September 30, 2017| Leave a Comment »

Despite the fact that, when asked, I almost never know how many years hubby and I have been married (it’s twenty-eight today), I never forget how very much I felt that I loved him on that day … oh, and I still do 😘.

But anyone who has been married long enough to have had a disagreement, an all-out fight, knows that they had no idea what love was on their wedding day. For love is not a once-for-all feeling, but a gradual, ever-evolving metamorphis.

This past summer I watched a video that reminded me how very little real love was involved in the early days of our marriage. As a matter-of-fact, I would say we really only found, in each other, someone who would meet our needs.

In this video Rabbi Dr. (psychiatrist, professor, author) Abraham Twerski introduced me to the concept of Fish Love. Fish love is described as how one might say they love fish, when what they mean is that they love to eat fish, because fish tastes good to them, and it satisfies their appetite. The fish meets their needs.

Twerski said,

“True love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.”

When we were first married the knowledge and feelings of love were greatly defined by what we received from the other. He filled my cup of needs, wants and desires, and I filled his. In a sense it might be hard to tell where the love originated … was it in the giving or in the receiving? One can feed the other, and in the early years of marriage the give and take is constant.

But, as the years go on it is not so constant, and the cups empty.

It is then that one realizes that fish love doesn’t last. For it is in the selfless, sacrificial giving to each other, even when we aren’t sure that our giving will be recripricated, that we know that we love and are loved by the other.

Ephesians 5:1-2 continues this theme of giving and sacrificial love …

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a grant offering and sacrifice to God.”

There is to our twenty-eight years, and counting, of learning to love beyond fish love, hubby. Let me take you out for dinner … but maybe not seafood.

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Praying Without Hope

Posted in Love, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #hopethatisseenisnohopeatall, #prayingwithouthope, #seasonsofmarriage, #thewinterofmarriage, Marriage on September 19, 2017| 1 Comment »

spirit

The vehicle was filled with the sounds of a baseball game. Barely a word spoken for dozens of miles. Contentment filled my heart, my soul.

I remembered hearing my grandmother say that a good marriage is one where a couple can drive in a car for miles and the silence be comfortable.

Numerous times over previous years, driving in the same direction, on the same highway, with the same baseball team playing on the radio, barely a word spoken for dozens of miles …

but my heart was filled with the emptiness of discontent.

The silence so uncomfortable.

The seasons in a marriage, like the seasons in the northern hemisphere, can be such a contrast, one from another. The sunny summer days can seem like endless picnics, cookouts and sweet days at the beach.

But the storms of winter can rage, blowing out electricity, and snowing you in, torrential rains causing permanent water damage.

I remember one such winters day in our marriage when we drove this very route, and I had prayed (with little investment of hope) for a miracle for our marriage. Truly it was a last ditch, faith-lacking prayer.

We had reached the point that, though we did still love each other (in a covenant-commitment manner of love), neither one of us liked or had affection for each other.

Why would I share such weakness, such imperfection?

Because I believe that heartache and suffering just have to have purpose outside of personal growth. If telling our story resonates in the heart and experience of another who is trying to protect themselves from the wintery blizzards of marriage, then I can look back and be thankful in all circumstances.

This is marriage … real marriage. Though we go to the alter and make promises in clean, perfectly altered attire, we live in the sandbox of reality. It’s not clean, or pretty, nor does it always fit. We all have these winters in our marriages … not one is perfect, not one is a bed of summery roses every day.

As we, wordlessly, comfortably drove that same highway, one night this summer, I felt the gentle, fresh breeze of summer evening coming into the windows of our car.

Suddenly, I realized that the comfortable silence we were surrounded by was the miracle of my hope-lacking prayer of years past …

when the season was not so gentle to our relationship, and we were not so gentle to each other.

The hopeless had been reborn, redeemed through the groaning of the Spirit, when we were weak, and did not know (feel) in our hearts that hope that was available.

“hope that is seen is no hope at all.
Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have,
we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.
We do not know what we ought to pray for,
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us
through wordless groans.”
Romans 8:24-26

(Image above Lawton Wilson)

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#homeisthebestplacetobe

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #cominghome, #homeisthebestplacetobe, #vacationisover, Vacation on August 13, 2017| Leave a Comment »

home

A week of the sweet life (aka #vacationfortwo, #justus2, #justhubbyandme, #vacayfor2, #heandme, #roadtrip) has come to an end for hubby and I.

We travelled over one thousand five hundred kilometres, ate far to much of everything one shouldn’t, walked on sandy shorelines, stared in awe as the waves kept coming toward us, took dozens of pictures, spent precious hours with sweet people, went to sleep to the sound of pounding surf, and awoke to the noisy seagulls enjoying their morning feed on the beach.

It was all so good.

And now we are home.

We returned home to the adoration of the Wonderdog, and catching up with a daughter. We crawled into our own bed last night, delighted at the familiarity of our bed. Awoke this morning eager for the that first cup of brewed goodness, in our favourite chairs, with the Wonderdog stretched out on the floor between us.

Laundry in process, familiar, fresh air coming in the windows, life is good.

Vacation is delight, but coming home to who and what we love is the icing on the cake.

My Home

This is the place that I love the best,
A little brown house, like a ground-bird’s nest,
Hid among grasses, and vines, and trees,
Summer retreat of the birds and bees.

The tenderest light that ever was seen
Sifts through the vine-made window screen–
Sifts and quivers, and flits and falls
On home-made carpets and gray-hung walls.

All through June the west wind free
The breath of clover brings to me.
All through the languid July day
I catch the scent of new-mown hay.

The morning-glories and scarlet vine
Over the doorway twist and twine;
And every day, when the house is still,
The humming-bird comes to the window-sill.

In the cunningest chamber under the sun
I sink to sleep when the day is done;
And am waked at morn, in my snow-white bed,
By a singing bird on the roof o’erhead.

Better than treasures brought from Rome,
Are the living pictures I see at home–
My aged father, with frosted hair,
And mother’s face, like a painting rare.

Far from the city’s dust and heat,
I get but sounds and odors sweet.
Who can wonder I love to stay,
Week after week, here hidden away,
In this sly nook that I love the best–
This little brown house like a ground-bird’s nest?

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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Getting a HANDle on Aging-Repost

Posted in life, Love, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Aging, Beauty, hands, laugh lines, Life, lotions, Love, rough skin, touch, Wrinkles on July 28, 2017| 3 Comments »

I just realized that I hadn’t posted yesterday!
I have been hard at work (avoiding) preparing a message for this weekend (on aging!!).
So, in lieu of a belated new post, here is my contribution, from over five years ago.
Now to get a handle on this message …

Although I am only thirty-nine (with four years experience) I am becoming more acquainted with aging, and it’s changes each and every day.

There are some changes that come with ‘time passing on’ (this is hubby’s way of referring to aging) that I quite like.

I love the lines that are forming just outside of the corners of my mouth, and my eyes, because they are evidence to smiles and laughs. I may not remember every individual event that caused my face to smile, but the lines will never hide that joy has filled my days.

I love that I have been plucking my eyebrows for so many years that the hairs almost never re-grow anymore.

I love that I do not have to concern myself with pimples, other than the odd one or two.

I love that, because my hair is … silvering … I have a natural excuse to become an even more blond, and I now have a number(s) to identify and define my hair color 😉

There are also some changes that have occurred that I do not favor so much.

I do not like that my knees have decided I need to pay more attention to them, and they attain my attention in the most uncomfortable of ways.

I do not like that some foods that I ingest want to burn themselves into my memory (or at least into my esophagus).

I definitely do not like the anticipation of body parts migrating in a southerly direction.

But, I especially do not like that the appearance of my hands is changing.

The famous, all-knowing ‘they’ say that the way to most accurately guess the age of woman, you need to only to glance at her neck or her hands.

As each year passes, I have noticed subtle changes happening in my hands, that I am not so happy about. The lines in them are deepening. They need constant re-hydration from rich lotions. I seem to have lost the ability to grown my fingernails to even the slightest length, without their splintering. There seems to be more skin, as it is losing it’s youthful elasticity. They sometimes even ache … but it is their appearance that is more disheartening to me.

It is a frequent occurrence that I glance at my hands, and have no idea whose hands they are. They surely cannot be mine, because mine do not look so … so … aged. Then I realize they move when and where I will them, and so they truly are my own.

Maybe the changes in them bother me, because my hands were the body part(s) that I actually liked about myself. Maybe I thought I would be immune to the normal, natural results of ‘time moving on.’

All that said, maybe the wrinkles, the lines, the shorter nails and the loosening skin are all characteristics of hands that have been held by generations before me, that have held on to the children I gave birth to, that have made meals for those I love, that have held the hands of people readying for eternity, that have written or typed words of encouragement, that have touched the shoulder of one carrying the weight of the world, that have folded in an act of pray, that have been kissed by the man of my life, that will one day be taken by my Redeemer as He welcomes me into eternity.

Maybe they are like the laugh lines I so adore on my face. Maybe they are the lines of hands that have loved, and been loved in return.

So, I’ll keep slathering rich lotions onto them, so that, although they will be marked by the lines of time, they will still be welcoming to the touch of those who need a hand.

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Come Away With Me

Posted in The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #comeawaywithme, #marriageishardwork, Marriage, Retreat on July 2, 2017| 2 Comments »

I looked at my dirty toilet, Wednesday morning, and thought to myself,

“I’d really rather stay home and clean my house than go away with hubby for a couple of nights.”

What woman thinks these thoughts?

The school year had come to an end, and hubby had planned a little mini get away for just us two, and I wanted to stay home and clean toilets? I do need a vacation!

Now that we are home from our two night get-away, I truly do not know that woman who stared longingly into her dirty toilet bowl.

I am so thankful for those days with that man.

We talked, we walked in silence, we sat at the beach, we relaxed in the hot springs pool, we laughed, we dreamed, we discussed, we enjoyed good food, and were totally spoiled at a couples massage.

Twenty-eight years ago, yesterday, this man asked me to marry him (after I told him we were done … that is another story, for another day).

We didn’t take much time to get to know each other before walking an aisle, repeating vows and sealing it with a kiss.

Our marriage has been:

good … and bad,
romantic … and boring,
united … and divided,
healthy … and so very unhealthy,
committed … and should have been committed … to a psychiatric facility.

The effects of the demands of jobs, children, home maintenance, financial stresses, mutual disappointments, disagreements and drudgery have made for a number of … right sided (see the list on the right, above) marital experiences over the years.

But in moments like we just had, away just us two, are more cleansing and rewarding than the mundane of cleaning a house.

This time remind us that it was love, attraction, and joy in each other that started this wild and crazy life journey together.

The youngest of our three just graduated high school, this is a transition time for us. How lovely to start this new phase, together, away … with not a care in the world … not even dirty toilets.

“My beloved said to me,
“Get up, my true love, my beautiful one,
and come with me.”
Song of Solomon 2:10

the lake

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Refreshment

Posted in FAMILY, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged #loverofbeauty, #wemustcarryitwithus, Beauty, Refreshment on June 1, 2017| 1 Comment »

I am a lover of beauty.

Beautiful art, beautiful people, beautiful music, beautiful stories, beautiful landscapes, beautiful food, all of it!

To just see, hear, smell, touch and taste that which evokes joyous emotion can fill my cup to the brim, and flowing over. It can revive my mind, heart and soul like a mini revolution.

Sunday afternoon I retuned to Pacific timezone, after twenty hours of packing followed by travel. I was not well-rested, yet I was revived by the myriad of beauty I had encountered throughout the ten day trip to Italy.

Just the day prior, I was walking the streets of Florence. Florence is the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance.

I walked through a tour of the Bargello Museum, and took in works by Michelangelo, Donatello, Benvenuto Cellini and more, listening to the history, known of each piece, touching the cool statues, looking into the eyes formed from the stone, with such detail, such affection, with tears in my own.

While walking the stone streets I paused to hear two gentlemen making stringed music. As their song ended, I turned to continue on my way, but turned, involuntarily, as their rendition of Pachabel’s Canon caused the tears to flow from someplace so deep inside.

In the hot afternoon, I sat in the shade, enjoying the freshness of every morsel of my slice of Italian pizza, while watching a couple dining al fresco, as he lovingly, passionately, kissed her hand, their eyes only able to see those of their lover, both in the seventies.

After inquiring about the famous Italian liqueur, Limoncello, the shop owner pulled out a chilled bottle, offering me a taste that, again, tasted of a freshness I had rarely encountered before.

Beauty, beauty everywhere!

I came home utterly exhausted. But my physical fatigue was no match for the overall sense of refreshment.

And, as I looked across the baggage carousel, with refreshed body, mind and soul, I was, again, moved to tears, to see my love smiling, beautifully, back at me. And, in the hours that followed, my three other most beautiful ones and I reunited.

Beauty, beauty everywhere!

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful,
we must carry it with us
or we find it not.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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