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Mature Thoughts on Love

Posted in The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #lovelovelove, #makelovelast, #makelovework, #maturethoughtsonlove on February 14, 2017| Leave a Comment »

It’s that day … Valentine’s Day.

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The day of love, unspoken expectations, and loneliness … what a great conundrum of experiences!

While I understand that this day is one which some avoid, love is something which we should celebrate … but not just one day each year.

Here’s a few of my mature, though not necessarily Earth-shattering, thoughts of love:

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My most favourite experience, which I only share with my hubby, is weekend morning coffee, each in our own chairs, toes periodically touching, with books and computers around us, dog at our feet, few words spoken … priceless. Neither of us really drink coffee other than at this time of day, but it is the thing that, on the day one of us awakens without the other in our life, we will mourn this loss greatly, for it is ours.

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Now, of course, my hubby and I are never angry with each … and if you believe that, have I got a swamp to sell you! We are pretty passionate individuals, and when we are angry with each other, I’ll be the first to admit that my anger can make me feel like I am a living, ticking time bomb. But, we do still care for each other … hubby still looks after my vehicle, I still make dinner. This act of caring, in the midst of anger, is the foundation of self-sacrifice. Even though we may be angry and not like each other, we still care for, and love each other.

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When you first meet a soft touch, or even making eye contact can be the most thrilling of experiences. What we often forget is that those cheap thrills don’t have to be relegated to the past, and they can even be more delightful years later, when we frequently forget to simply admire, to softly touch or kiss in such common ways.

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Want to feel like a young couple again? Laugh over the stupid things you have done together. That old man/woman who you live with is the same person who you have a shared history of a multitude of ridiculous memories. Drag them out, like people in the past brought out the photo albums. Heck drag out the photo albums … they might be the best spark to remember your shared silliness. There is a little ~~shack~~ cabin, on a twisty road in Vermont, that can make us smile at each other knowingly, for we have a memory that only each other knows.

flat800x800070f All of us who have done life with another have a shared history. We know things about our other that make us beautiful, or ugly. But, guess what? We both have flaws, skeletons in our closets, make bad smells, and have obsessive compulsive behaviours (of course mine aren’t diagnosable, like someone … just joking).

I think that, just maybe, Bob Marley said it best:

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Christmas is Impossible!

Posted in The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged #christmasisimpossible, #christmasstory on December 6, 2016| 2 Comments »

I sat on the bed, ready to have a mini (or not so mini) petty party.

“Christmas is impossible!” leaked from my lips.

I am trying to be mature, really I am, but my individual desires are in the forefront of my mind.

facts:

Our family is growing up …

Christmas is but once a year …

I am trying to honour everyones wants, schedules, needs while at the same time, balancing my own desires.

I have been realizing for a year that this Christmas may, indeed, be the last one with all five under one roof. So my expectations of this Christmas together have been over the top. I want to ensure that we do it all, eat it all, love it all.

As a mom, Christmas day is my most favourite of the year. The phones do not ring and buzz, there is no place that we need to go, we often enjoy our Christmas dinner in our pjs (thus the lack of Christmas dinner photos). It is a day of quiet unity and togetherness.

Then I discovered that Christmas day falls on a Sunday …

Now, don’t judge me too harshly, folks. As a follower of Christ, I am intimately aware that Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus, and I would have not have it any other way.

Yes, we can roast our turkey any day. We can carve another day of togetherness out of the calendar.

But, well, I am human, folks, and my momma heart just wanted one more Christmas day of quiet unity and peace with my chicks (and the big, bearded rooster).

But, it got harder! As I spoke to my daughter on the phone, we tried to pick another day (around her work schedule, which currently included Christmas Eve and Boxing days, with Christmas Day a possibility too), I sunk just a bit lower. I hadn’t even tried to entertain when daughter number two will join her boyfriends family.

UGH!!

Christmas is impossible!

And it is … and it was.

A world in need of redemption from sin that we could not overcome on our own.

A baby, conceived by a virgin.

A baby, a most innocent, fragile being, born to save the human race.

Jesus came, whether the human race was ready of him, or not.

Whether it was convenient timing, or not.

So much of the Christmas story is impossible. And he came, anyway.

I think, this Christmas, I need to follow the example of Mary, and treasure all that is impossible at Christmas, and just let it happen as it will. For when we bend our will to that of God, the impossible becomes possible!

“In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” Luke 2:1-20

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Talk Dirty to Me

Posted in GOD, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #lovebeginsinthemorning, #reallovemarriage, #talkdirtytome on November 13, 2016| Leave a Comment »

Ok, I admit …

I may choose blog post titles simply because they are somewhat risqué (today’s title, for example).

But, as with much in life, there is truth and real marital experience in those words!

W A Y back in the stone ages, when hubby and I said the I dos, we received a book about marriage as a gift. The only thing I remember from that book was one line:

“making love starts in the kitchen, in the morning”

and non-verbal joking about that line continue to this day!

The thing is, like my risqué blog post titles, there is truth and real marital experience in those words!

You see, what that one-liner is communicating is that affection for each other does not start over a candle-lit dinner, but it starts the moment a couple awake, and continues each and every moment of the day.

Just this week, while at work, I look up to see my hubby, at the classroom door, holding a cup of hot goodness (aka a London Fog). He stopped at a coffee shop to pick up my most soothing, favourite hot drink, just to show kindness and affection for me.

Though I loved every sip of my beverage, what I loved more was knowing that, in the middle of the day, hubby’s thoughts were of me.

It is when I know that hubby’s thoughts are of me, whether we are together or apart that I feel loved. Perhaps that is because this sort of mindfulness is the way Christ loves us?

“For husbands, this means love your wives,
just as Christ loved the church.
He gave up his life for her.”
Ephesians 5:25

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The Debt of Marriage

Posted in The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #loveisntenough, #marriageishard, #romanticmortgage, #slowdeathmarriage, #thedebtofmarriage, #weddinganniversary on October 9, 2016| Leave a Comment »

Twenty-seven years! icon_househeart_red_750x5002

Twenty-seven years!

Last weekend hubby and I celebrated our 27th anniversary.

Twenty-seven years is 57.4% of my life!

I kept repeating it over and over again, as if awaiting some explanation for the passage of time.

As I look back on our wedding day, my most keen memory is who we were then. We were young (just twenty and twenty-three), naive, idealistic and so ‘in love’ with each other (with love).

It (marriage) was going to be so easy, because we were so in love. We were ready to face whatever would come our way, because we were together.

gag!

I wonder, if we knew then what we know now, would we?

Here’s the twenty-seven year reality check …

marriage is hard!

and just when we think it is getting easier … it gets difficult all over again!

What I/we have learned most in twenty-seven years of marriage, is that being in love is not enough, because being in love is all about how the relationship feels, and feelings are fleeting, inconsistent, conditional and changing.

There have been (many) times in our marriage when we felt anything but in love towards each other. As a matter of fact, there have been many times when one or both of us has been pretty certain that we had made a mistake in marrying the other, and maybe even sought an escape clause.

Yet, here we are, but the long-lasting adhesive has not been love. The glue is far less romantic, but far more effective.

Our vows to each other, the license we signed, the promises we made, were really more like the legal contract for a mortgage.

Last weekend I heard hubby explain the meaning of the word, mortgage, to a fellow traveller. Mortgage is a french word which means slow death. It is a legal obligation to make payments either until it is paid off, or until foreclosure occurs.

Twenty-seven years ago we signed a mortgage-like license, promising to stay together, until it is paid off, or until death. It was a commitment to make regular payments, on the investment, and those payments are due whether the roof is leaking or the foundation crumbling … whether we feel like making the payments, or not.

If we chose to not make a payment, we then put ourselves in a position of threatened foreclosure … and we might lose all investment that we have made.

This is so not the romantic love that was the driving force behind our walk down the aisle. Yet, it is the only thing that can guarantee that there will be anything left of the original structure when debt is paid.

Twenty-seven years!

I am thankful for these years …

though some payments came up short, or were late …

though I resented the times when I had to pay more than my share …

though I am embarrassed when I didn’t contribute at all …

though our roof leaks …

and the maintenance seems impossible …

with God’s help our investments pay off,

every day we have together.

And some days, the sun shines in, illuminating each other, reminding us of the delights of feeling in love, and leaving us thankful for not foreclosing.

May it be a slow, slow death …

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The Purpose Driven Road Less Travelled

Posted in Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #goingittogether, #roadtrips, #thepurposedrivenroadlesstravelled, #travellingwithyourspouse on September 8, 2016| Leave a Comment »

Might be good better adjusted further

As a kickstart to summer, hubby and I took a road trip to visit dear friends.

On this trip we learned something new about each other.

Hubby likes to take the road less travelled, whereas I desire a more purpose driven trip.

As we travelled, hubby loved the meandering country roads, in the valley of a mountain range. Periodically encountering farm vehicles, who we would need to wait patiently behind, until a safe location spot in the road availed passing the slow moving vehicles.

I, on the other hand, yearned for the three (or four) lane highways, on which good time could be made, and progress toward our goal of reaching our friendly destination would be achieved.

In the middle of summer we took another trip, across the state of Washington, from West to East (from the coast to the desert … in August! But, that is a story for another day). For hubby, our destination was the reason for the trip. For myself, it was the mountain highway vistas that had my interest peeked.

Were I driving, we would have stopped at every pull off, to see all that we could see.

Hubby, on the other hand, just wanted to reach our destination, as soon as possible.

For this trip, it was I who desired the road less travelled, and he who wanted purpose-driven travels.

Then, last weekend, we packed up and pointed the vehicle south, to the Oregon Coast. This is our favourite vacation destination, and the trip was entirely a purpose-driven one, from north to south to north again. The only roads less travelled were in and around the area where we stayed.

Through our individual and combined responses, these road trips have shown me something about our years together.

It doesn’t matter which road we take.

There have been times when one of us is heading in a very specific direction, and it’s full boar ahead, whereas the other just goes along for the ride. Sometimes the driver is reversed. Then there are the times when we have both been intent to get to our destination, redeeming the time to get there.

What matters is that we are heading to the same destination.

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Are you Brave?

Posted in GOD, life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #areyoubrave, #fearandanxiety, #isaiah42:16, #monstersunderthebed, Alone, Fear., Plato, yoda on May 18, 2015| 2 Comments »

When I was a child, I thought that to be brave was to go in my room and night, and actually look under my bed to see if there were monsters there.

When I was a teen, I thought that to be brave was walking home alone, in the quiet dark, after a night of babysitting.

When I was a young adult, I thought that to be brave was to stay home alone when my hubby went out of town.

Brave has many faces, but on each face a fear of something, known or unknown, is written. The fears of childhood are the foundation for the fears of the rest of our lives. If I re-read my own expressions of what it was to be brave when I was younger, they are all centered on two fears; fear of the dark, and fear of being alone.

I believe that they are universal fears, I believe they are innate fears. I believe the
two fears are really one fear, for to be afraid of the dark is always diminished by
being in the presence of another.

From when we are born, we experience times alone. From our earliest beginnings in our mother’s womb, we experience dark. Yet those two fears go with us, and in some, intensify as we get older.

There is something about nighttime that can cause doubts, discomfort and fears to arise more easily. Add to that being alone, and the night can seem endless and hopeless.

For a child, being taken to bed, being tucked in, being reassured by a loving person that they are safe and that the nighttime will not last forever, can lessen their fear of the dark. If that does not work, having someone to accompany them in the dark, until they fall off to sleep will eliminate any further cries of fear.

For myself, as an adult, I hear far fewer noises, I sleep far easier, when hubby is in the house with me. His presence assures me that I am not alone, and the dark no longer has power over me.

If we are to be brave, we need to understand that the presence of another can be the light that takes away our fear of the dark, because their presence itself is like a light.

God’s message to us all in Isaiah 42:16 is “I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Whenever we think that we are alone, we need to remember that the One who never breaks His promises to us, is with us. Him in our lives means we are never fully alone, and the darkness is eliminated by the light of his presence.

Plato said, “we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” The light of the world has come to illuminate our steps, he is like that parent by the bed of a fearful child, the friend walking you home in the dark, the person on the other side of the bed (snoring like a band saw), but He never leaves those who choose to brave and trust the presence of his light.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.”
Yoda

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Entertaining an Angel

Posted in canada, FAMILY, GOD, life, The Hubby, The Kids, women, WONDER, tagged #angelsunaware, #entertaininganangel, #pregnancyloss, Angels, Comfort, Life on July 22, 2014| 5 Comments »

Sometimes … the past comes back to haunt, and once in a while … it comes back to soothe and reassure.

It was a sunny, warm spring day. Hubby and I had packed our modern picnic lunch (also known as fast food, picked up en route to the park), and were heading to a local park with our 20’ish month old daughter.

We drove until we found a park that we had not been to before (and I do not remember ever returning to again). The park was large, with a soccer field and baseball diamond towards the back. Parking was at the front, near the street. Also, towards the front was a small playground area with swings, and a sandbox. And near the playground were just a few picnic tables and benches.

Our daughter was very eager to get to the sandbox … we were very eager to eat our fast food picnic lunch, before the hot and crisp fries became cold and flopsy. And so, she played, and we ate … all of us enjoying the respite that a park provides.

And then, there she was …

A little girl had arrived at the sandbox, seemingly out of nowhere. She was a blond pre-schooler, who seemed older than her years. As quickly as she appeared, she befriended our daughter, and the two of them played, in the sandbox and on the swings, as though they had known each other all of their lives.

As we enjoyed watching their play with each other, we finally realized that this delightful little girl did not seem to have an adult with her. When we asked her who she was there with she pointed to the baseball game, happening towards the back of the park, and said, “they’re over there.” Although we thought it odd for her parents to allow her to be so far from them, at such a young age, we felt we had no alternative, but to believe her.

The two girls sat on the swings, and we responded to their requests to push them. As hubby and I pushed, we marveled at how the two looked so similarly, they could be sisters. Their blond hair swaying in the breeze, and their blue eyes shining with delight, their contagious giggles. Why, they could be … sisters …

And it hit us both … they could be sisters. They looked so much alike, their age difference … why that delightful little girl could be the same age as our first baby, who had never made it to live with us.

It had happened over three years before. At four months into our first pregnancy … the baby, our first baby, died (this wasn’t to be our first such loss, as over the years it was to happen four more times). We never knew the gender of that child, but we had named it, to provide for ourselves some bit of identity. We had decided on the name Alison, because it could be a boy, or a girl’s name. The name is an old one, meaning noble or truth.

The two girls continued to play happily, until it was time for us to leave.

Then we asked the little girl her name … and she smiled at us, and replied, “Alison.”

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What Women Want … the Finale

Posted in life, Love, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #whatwomenwant, Life, Marriage, Men, Women on July 15, 2014| 2 Comments »

Well this has been more difficult than I had counted on, when I first embarked on a five part series called ‘what women want’. So … if I, as a woman, struggle to know what it is that women desire most, maybe it is unfair to expect that mere men would know what we want.

To recap my five part series, what women want is …

– to be known

– to be pursued

– to be loved … and told so

– walk in my shoes … to be understood

– forever … happily ever after

Really aren’t all of those things desired, yearned for, wanted by men as well? Although it might be easy to write off all males in the stereotype of all they want is sex (and there are a few who fit that box … as there are women, who also fit into that box). I believe that the majority of men do want what women want.

For anyone, to be known (as in knowing HIS most desired success, or knowing HER greatest fear) is something that can only come from being a student of that person. To be truly known does not happen because a person ‘advertises’ his or her deepest desires, it is instead, the one person studying the other so consciously that they can know intimacy with the other.

To be pursued, although I do believe that men are more naturally the ‘pursuer’, is something that both sexes respond positively to. Ladies, send your guy a suggestive text message, one day he is out (at work, at ‘the game’, at a meeting, with the guys), and just see how well he responds to being pursued … just sayin’!

I love you is a non-gender-specific phrase! It can be said by both women AND men. Now, I expect it might be ‘easier’ for women to say (maybe because we often ‘give’ to others what we desire to receive) … but guys, we need to hear it! And ladies, you are so not on easy street yet … try a new variation of ‘I love you’ to your sweetie … try saying ‘I so respect you when/for/because …’ For a man to hear that he is respected, is probably the equivalent to a women hearing ‘I love you when/for/because …’

So her shoes have pointy toes, and high heels (which you guys so love I’ve heard, because of how it makes the female leg look) … walk in those pretty babies … So his shoes … STINK … ladies, you will never fully understand why they are in the shape they are, if you don’t get to know how your own feet feel in them! Really ladies, that sullen, wordless, grumpy, male that walks in your door tonight might have had struggles and problems (or maybe he’s happy … TOO HAPPY for you at that moment … maybe he’s experienced the greatest successes, passed the greatest tests) that he will never open up and tell you like YOUR girlfriend would. If you don’t know the details (and oh, how we women love the details) of why he is the way he is, try to understand how you might want to be received if you’ve had ‘a day’. Put those over-sized, smelly shoes on your feet, and start sharing his burdens and joys.

Happily ever after … nope, I’ve never heard a male EVER say, hint or insinuate that he desired that! But the security of a mutually beneficial, mutually loving, mutually cared for relationship … where HE can be the HERO, the STUD MUFFIN, the MAN … now that is something a man could want. But for him to be all of that means that … we (gulp) women need to make sure he is feeling like ‘the MAN’ … and that responsibility, ladies, is on our shoulders. Sure we appreciate what our guys do for us … but do we tell them? Do we sing their praises? Do we pump up their egos? Ladies, if we want happily ever after, we need to communicate that forever with us is not a life sentence, but a lifetime achievement award … and that winning it requires the concerted efforts of two!

And that is really what it comes down to … two very different (often very opposite) individuals, who express themselves, and their needs in very different languages trying to find a place, somewhere in the middle, where both persons needs and wants and desires can all be met. It is a juggling act … and one that (from my pointy-toed shoes) seems to be an awful lot of effort, with no guarantees of success. But, I am confident that when the efforts are coming from both side, eventually they meet somewhere in the middle. And a brand new (often far better than ever dreamed or imagined) entity is formed … and it is good!

And that is what women AND men want …

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Spa Day

Posted in christmas, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged bitterness, christmas gift, couples massage, extravagance, failure, frustration, gift card, Hubby, joy, luxury, misunderstanding, re-gifting, spa, spa day, therapeutic massage, well-intentions, wild orange spa on January 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

They say that we give the gifts to others that we want for ourselves, and so I took this to heart this Christmas with regards to gifting for my hubby.

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Years ago … at least six years ago … I had gone that first time to try out a therapeutic massage covered by the health care plan at my work. It was amazing, and I later told hubby of my spa adventure. I am sure that as hubby was hearing my story of extravagant pampering the wheels in his head had him convinced that his annual tradition of ‘failing’ (his word, not mine) when it came to Christmas gifts for his wife, was about to turn to great success.

Although I did enjoy the experience, it was not a very comfortable place for me, as I felt a bit like a fish out of water in an environment of such luxury. From my point of view, once was enough … but I had failed to mention this fact to my very well-intentioned hubby.

So, when Christmas rolled around, a beautifully wrapped, generous gift card to a spa that I had gone to once, and had spoken so glowingly of at my premier visit, was to be my gift from the man who tries so desperately to please.

This lovely, generous, well-intended gift has sat in and on my dresser for at least six years, causing frustration and bitterness every time it would be within view of my guy.

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But no longer would it gather dust.

Weeks before this past Christmas I made the brilliant decision to re-gift hubby’s spa gift card … to him!

I went in to the spa, ensured that the balance of the card was as I had remembered, and booked a couples massage appointment.

So, yesterday, hubby and I went to share in the gift of Christmas past, as well as Christmas present.

Total and complete relaxation, being pampered and cared for in total and complete luxury, convinced me that the spa, not the ‘Magical’ place is the happiest place on Earth!

When we stepped out over two hours later, we both felt refreshed and relaxed. Gone were the years of gift ‘failure’ and feelings of rejection for the unused, unappreciated gift … all were replaced with the joy of sharing in the gift of well-intentions.

And, so often that is our problem when it comes to our relationships … the love and joy get lost in the misunderstanding of the intentions of the other person. We spin our own version of the gift; his that he is a failure, mine that he does not know my heart. But, in being able to share in the gift, to share in the well-intentions of each of us, joy can be shared … together.

In re-gifting to hubby the gift that he had given to me, we were both able to receive the gifts we both wanted most, enjoyment and time together.

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Top 10 Goals for 2013 – Marriage

Posted in Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged 2013, decisions, don't let the sun go down on your anger, Dreams, Forgive, Future, goals, GOD, hopes, Hubby, husband, Love, Marriage, New Year, Past, plans, Remember, Resolutions, responsibility, Stress, top 10, Trust on December 27, 2012| 1 Comment »

So, I am now at day number two of my Top 10 Goals for 2013, and this time the focus is hubby.

He REALLY does not appreciate posts about him, that mention him, that use him as an example … so, in honor of his preference that I not write about him … heck, I’m just going to do it anyway!

P&C Cropped

He has to forgive me … comes with the whole “love, honor and … forgive” 😉

Here are my Top Ten Goals for my Marriage for 2013:

Do not go to bed angry – I mentioned this yesterday in regards to our kids and it doesn’t hurt to say it again, “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26).
Get away – make time for at least one night each season to get away together, sans children, as a couple. It is so easy, with all of the demands of life, to forget that the family we created started with us, just us, and for this family to continue we need to invest in us.
Respect him – As I write it I just know that some poor, misinformed lady is going to interpret respecting your husband as some kind of response to an archaic male dominated patriarchal society or religion. That is NOT what this is about! He is a child of God, like me, and as such I need to respect him …
Make his life easier – I am sure that there is at least one thing I can do each week to make his life easier … from answering the phone (instead of letting him, because it is always for him), to doing his dinner clean up once in a while (not too often, as I do not want him to get too used to being relieved of ‘his’ chore).
Thank him – so often when we live with someone it is so easy to forget our manners. Please and thank you are words I know I need to use more often with my man.
Let him decide – … and be okay with his decision! My hubby knows that if I say “you choose” his whole future is at stake. I need to trust him to make a decision, and trust the outcome!
Surprise him – there is nothing like veering from the normal, everyday, meatloaf every Monday stagnant way of living to bore a couple to mediocrity! Start seeing excitement and refreshment in someone else. I WILL surprise him … and the details of that, well those are between the two of us 😉 .
Remember the past – I need to reflect on those days, so many years ago, when we only knew adoring love (aka, before we were married 😉 ) … not bills, crisscrossing schedules, and to do lists.
Forget the past – we have baggage, and that is a reality, but the past is the past, and needs to be left there. We cannot move forward if I keep looking back.
Plan for the future – “Where there is no dreaming for the future, the marriage relationship is dead” (that is the Carole Wheaton interpretation of Proverbs 29:18) … enough said.