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Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

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There was a moment this school year, while sitting across the table from a student, when I heard the words that I hear at least once every year, the words which tear at my heart and my soul,

“my parents are divorced, and that makes me very sad.”

How am I supposed to assist with math, or language or science or any other subject, when their very own history has been altered …

and they know it!

Every year that I have worked in schools, I have encountered similar disclosures, similar expressions of loss and sadness … and I come away from those conversations determined to stay married, even when it’s difficult … and some days,

it’s difficult.

I heard it once, and shared it many more times that,

when I cannot love my husband

I choose to love the father of my children.

I heard of a movie releasing (in the US) next week. The movie is called

Irreplaceable

and it is a documentary that asks “What is family?” and “Does ‘family’ still matter in today’s society?” Questions that we need answers to, in this world where marriage is constantly being re-defined as well as devalued.

Many sociologists believe that the family is a microcosm of society, that if the family unit is healthy, respected, respectful, and if the vows of the wedding day are honored … society too will be healthy, respected, respectful, and promises will be honored.

I am not totally sure what the movie, Irreplaceable, will reveal, but I’m going to be so bold as to state my own opinion …

the institution of marriage (and, conversely, family) is in deep trouble for one reason, and one alone,

our promises to love, to honor, to respect each other, and to do it all ’til death do us part,

have failed.

As individuals, and as a society,

we do not value or keep promises

we do not honor the life others

we do not respect others as children of God

we do not love, as Christ loved.

Check out the trailer!

 

 

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Yikes! I almost forgot that I promised to post the most viewed post of the week every Saturday.

This week, Looking In All The Wrong Places was the, hand down, leader of the week.

Blessings on the coming week,

Carole

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SR09-Looking-for-Love

A sweet summer Saturday morning, writing in my chair alongside of hubby, a number of weeks ago, was upset by a Facebook post hubby read to me. This post led to a discussion about the consequences of our actions and choices.

Hubby had read a post of a peer who had recently left his family, for the open arms of another woman, and he was declaring how delightful his life is currently. Hubby and I then talked about his wife, now living essentially as a single mom, with dad breezing in and out of the lives of their kids, when he has time. We talked about his adolescent and teenage sons, left behind by their primary figure of manhood, responsibility and stability.

I have to say those ‘life is beautiful’ posts make me want to say, “give your head a shake!”

Does this dad (or mom, as the case may be) live in a bubble?

Does he (she) not see the carnage that they left behind?

Are their eyes sealed shut to the pain, hurt and rejection staring back at them from the fruits of their loins (their children)?

Do they really think that leaving their family for another will turn out any differently?

I know I can be rather a ‘ranter’ when it comes to this subject, and please know that I do not believe that people should stay in relationships where there is violence. But really, are those fleeing a relationship from the parent of their children aware of the consequences of their actions on the next generation? Do they realize how un-beautiful life might be for the ones they say they love the most (their children)?

Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., author of The Everything Parents Guide Children Divorce, say that “divorce tends to intensify the (younger) child’s dependence and it tends to accelerate the adolescent’s independence; it often elicits a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent.” A younger child might regress into bed wetting, or have problems with separation, whereas the adolescent might do things (be disobedient experiment with alcohol, drugs, sexuality) that accelerate their experiences of development.

So what is he saying? Divorce tends to increase attention-seeking behaviors, in a variety of ways depending on the age of the child.

And why are they participating in attention-seeking behaviors? Because their world is being rocked up-side-down from it’s foundational pillars … their parents, and so they do whatever they can to seek attention, with the subconscious hope of bringing those pillars back together in the same place, at the same time, so that their world might come back together.

As I hear of and watch children and teens whose lives have been rocked by a decision by their parent/s to seek a “beautiful life” elsewhere, what I ache most for, other than their current pain, is their own relationships in the future. Not that they see relationships as temporary, but how do they go into a relationship able to trust their hearts to another, knowing that that trust was broken in their foundational homes? Are they ever free to believe another human who says, “I will love you forever?” That is a most tragic consequence!

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For the next week, I will be featuring guest posts, as I spend my regular ‘writing time’ preparing for a speaking engagement. If you feel led to pray for me in this regard, I would so appreciate it, and specifically that Pinterest does not pre-occupy my writing time 😉 … I am so weak!

Today I am featuring a video from Vimeo called, “When Love Leads.”

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“David and Marlena, on the brink of divorce, discover where true Love and satisfaction are found in this story of redemption and forgiveness,” is the description that Vimeo has of this video, of their story.

Their story is thought-provoking.

As there are many people who read my posts, from as many different individual circumstances, I want to encourage those of you who have walked the road to divorce, from a marriage where you suffered abuse, or where the choice to divorce was made for you, this is not a guilt trip. May healing and wholeness be in your future.

Great+Love+Great+Sacrifice

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I have been on a bit of a marriage roll lately, and the more I am researching for one post, the more interesting information and blogs I have been encountering.

The guest post of today comes from a blogger who I literally happened upon by accident, while having a ‘brain break’ on Pinterest, after much marriage research, and came across a post called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage, that I just had to open and read.

Dan Pearce is the author of the blog, Single Dad Laughing. His main subject (other than himself-the usual main topic for most of us who blog) is his son Noah, and you will see beautiful photos of the father and son pair. He has experienced marriage and divorce, and I thought his experience of both might just give those of us in the midst of the marriage minefield a fresh perspective … on the things we do (and maybe shouldn’t) and the things we do not do (and maybe should).

It is worth the read!

Carole

 

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It all started with a picture …

The picture to the right of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. I saw it, and then read the caption at the bottom, “married 50 years.” I found myself wondering, how can that happen to a Hollywood couple?

Since hubby is a pastor, we get to attend MANY 50th Anniversary parties, and they are truly the highlight of the effects of his job for me.

To participate in celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary is a unique and special thing.

When I hear of couples divorcing, I wonder how many of these celebrations will be happening in the future. Oh, but what celebrations they will be, as they will be a truly rare and special event!

Although Mr. Newman died later in the year of their 50th anniversary, the legacy of their long lasting, committed love in a world that sees that as impossible can continue to encourage those of us who are still in process.

When asked the secret to their long & happy marriage, Paul attributed it to the “correct amounts of lust and respect.” And “. . . because of great impatience tempered by patience. When you have been together this long, sometimes you drive each other nuts, but underneath that is some core of affection and respect.”

It is a great read, accompanied by beautiful pictures.

Paul and Joanne

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I HATE divorce!

That is the thought that crosses my mind almost every day at work. There is a moment, in just about every day that I go to work, when something happens, or I see something that reminds me of my disdain for the word divorce, and how devastating it is to those who it touches.

Please know that I am not one who believes that a woman (or man) should stay in a marriage where they are being truly abused by their spouse. No one should stay in a home, a marriage which is dangerous or harmful to their health. If indeed abuse is the impetus for divorce, and not irreconcilable differences, but the numbers might indicate more of the later than the former.

Working in a school gives me plenty of opportunities to see the effects of divorce on the children (adolescent and teenage) of the couples who have dissolved their marriages. These effects walk through the doors of schools by the dozens and hundreds, every day. I am amazed at the increasing numbers of students from divorced parents. I am even more amazed at how profoundly it does effect these developing adults.

I watch students struggle to do school work, when their hearts are breaking. I watch teens anxiety with … well, being teens (and all that comes with that package), while dealing with the lack of a sense of security that comes from mom or dad moving out. I watch adolescence struggle with peer relationships while also dealing with relationships with mom’s new boyfriend, or dad’s new girlfriend.

These students are individuals who I feel such pity for, and who I admire greatly at the same time. They have such pain in their lives, and yet they show such strength to get through each day.

It was heartbreaking, one day, to look around at a group of students who I was familiar with. Almost half of the students in the grouping were from homes of divorced parents. I heard them discuss marriage, and divorce. Those students whose parents were divorced were the most adamant that couples needed to work harder, and not give up so easily. They also expressed that people needed to stop thinking of divorce as a way to end their problems.

How interesting that it was the ones who had been most affected by divorce who had the most uncompromising views of it. Maybe it was because, like me (in my experiential ignorance) they hate divorce. And, in their cases, they know what they are saying (or thinking) is true, because it is the life they live.

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