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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Laughing at Myself

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged embarrassment, Facepalm, humor, Laugh at myself, Life, Wonder on August 8, 2011| 2 Comments »

Oh my goodness … my roots are blond (I mean before they were gray)! And today was a day to prove just that.

I awoke a few minutes before my alarm this morning, so I was able to be out of the shower by 5:45am … a great success, and a positive omen of the day to come. I had to have daughter number two at the local swimming pool at 6:20am, for warm ups for the swim meet she was to compete at.

As I was getting myself ready, I took all the essentials out of my bathroom cupboard, to ensure that I hit all body parts that needed morning attention. You know: toothbrush and toothpaste for the teeth (and for everyone around me), antiperspirant for the pits (and for everyone around me), brush for the mop of unmanageable hair, body spray for a pleasant scent, and hairspray to keep every hair in place.

So, I was preening and primping when I realized that I was about to spray my body spray on my hair … but … I had just sprayed my body, and it was with a different container … Oh crap! I had just sprayed hairspray all over my body (does this mean that my body would hold it’s shape all day long?)!

And, of course, I posted this on Facebook …

So, I knew my day was sure to have no place to go but up!

Until … at the swim meet. I was spending the day in concession, selling foods and snacks to the hungry swimmers and their families and friends. But, my sweet older daughter, was good enough to let me know when her sister was to compete, by sending me a text message when the time was soon. So, I received a message “1 more heat” followed by ” I’m hoping you’re watching” … Well I moved faster than you can say ‘you’ve got egg on your face.’ As I raced closer to the pool I could hear people cheering and yelling “go Christiana!”

Yikes, I was going to miss it, if I didn’t hussle my butt.

I turned the corner, and spotted her head bobbing in and out of the water, as she swam butterfly. I stood at the corner of the pool, feeling proud that I hadn’t missed her race, and cheering loudly for her … along with others cheering her on. And as I looked around I realized that the others who were cheering her on … I didn’t know them! And they were not from our team! And, as the race was finishing, my daughter, Christiana, was walking towards me with a look that said, ‘you are so pathetic, Mom.’ And yes, it is true, I was cheering like a banshee … for someone who was not my daughter. In the texted words of my older daughter, just moments later, “face palm.”

And, of course, I posted this on Facebook …

And this day of mine, the comedy of errors that it was, became the topic of dinner conversation tonight. And my kids couldn’t believe that I would post my stupidity for all my ‘friends’ on facebook to see … ‘why would you tell people stuff like that … how humiliating’ was their most common response.

And all I could say in response was, I’m okay with laughing at myself. And, I am.

There was a time when I would NEVER have admitted to such faux pas! I would have been mortally embarrassed, publicly humiliated and feeling a need to move to another country, to avoid being found out. But those days are over … in my ‘maturing’ (out of my natural blond for my well-hidden gray), I have been learning to enjoy the immature. I have come to the conclusion that the stupid things I do, and the ridiculous mistakes that I make … well, most people experience similar … and that the embarrassment actually dissipates faster when you give it light, and … a hardy laugh.

So, I expect that the weird and wonderful will continue to come my way, and you can expect that …

I will probably post it on facebook,

And maybe even write a post about it 😉

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My Garden is Wonder-filled

Posted in life, Nature/Creation, tagged Creation, Garden, Life, Wonder-filled on July 26, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Finally, after ten months of school, and then spending June and July working at a second job, I am able to really enjoy my garden!

Yesterday I spent the day in the garden. I was pruning, and mowing, and trimming, and watering, and weeding, and feeding. It was glorious! I got filthy dirty (I do not even seem to be able to water my flowers without getting dirty), and used muscles that ached the next day (heck, they ached as they were being used), and not one minute of it seemed like work.

Truly my day was all about recreation.

As I was out in the fresh air, and sunshine (oh, and how we have waited for sunshine in this area … unlike most of North America which has been hot and dry), I enjoyed only the noises of the birds, the squirrels and my neighbors little grandchildren. I attained great satisfaction, for jobs finally caught up on, and great head space at just being quiet for the better part of a day.

It is so thrilling to see the evidence of my blood, sweat and tears in the garden. I love to watch the contents of bulbs and tuber emerge from the soil. I love to watch a rose bud open slowly, day by day, and then produce it’s visual beauty and delightful scent, that can reduce stress in one whiff. I love to see each year the new growth of the boxwoods I had planted, simply by slicing off a branch of a larger one, and sticking it into the earth. I love to watch the lilies grow taller and taller each day, trying to guess which color they are, until finally they open up to reveal the beauty within. And oh, how I love to see the springtime buds on the grapevine, emerge into tendrils that reach far from where they began, to be followed by the minute clusters of ‘baby grapes’ that, like a newborn baby, grow bigger every day of summer, until they are finally mature, and ready to be tasted.

I love my garden!

But, I don’t love everything about my garden. There are irritants and pests there too. Like dandelions! I have been on a mission for two summers now, to rid my back garden of the weed. When I have the time, and have my trusty week puller thingy in hand, I am like a can of raid on ants! And, my persistence is working (if you ever drive by, you will know that I have not transferred this persistence to my front garden).

Then there is the slug … evil personified! Not only do they love to eat the lovely green leaves on my flowers, but if I come in contact with their slime, it is like some kind of gel crazy glue. It won’t come off easily, and sticks to everything in it’s path … even my ever-curious beast won’t go near them. Of course they do provide great entertainment when i get out my salt shaker!

And then there are aphids … who are on a constant mission to ruin my deeply loved rose plants. Every spring I will be marveling at how beautiful the fresh new leaves on my roses look, and then, there they are. Those tiny little green buggers … nibbling away at my fresh leaves like a teenage boy at an all you can eat buffet. Truly they give me reason after reason to love ladybugs … who think aphids are just the most marvelous treat … hum, note to self : go purchase ladybugs today.

My garden is where I am Mother Nature, and my goal is to protect everything I love within my garden … it is truly a place where I am a mother hen figure. But, I am sadly not able to protect my green ‘babies’ all of the time.

It is really my place in this world of understanding the beauty of our creation, of understanding the complexities of surviving and thriving, of understanding how evil and destruction can come our way due to no action of our own, and understanding how very much we the created are loved by the Creator.

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Visitors in Multiples

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Friends, GOD, I Will Follow You, Life, Remembering, Reminiscing, Sovereignty, Struggles, The Past on July 25, 2011| Leave a Comment »

We have been fortunate to have lived in four different towns and cities across Canada, since our wedding in 1989. And with each place we have lived, we have picked up friends. Some we have stayed in close and constant contact, and others we lost connection to as soon as we, or they, moved on to the next step of life.

Recently we had the ‘perfect storm’ of visitors. Three separate, uncoordinated, but all linked ‘visits’ came together at the same time, and in the same place … our place.

All three visits were connections from our six years in Ottawa, Ontario.

All three visits were connections from our church there.

All three visits were connections from the youth group, where my hubby was Youth Pastor for six years.

One of the visits was planned months ago! A young woman, her hubby and two little girls … surreal! When we met her, she was about nine or ten. By the time we left Ottawa, she was babysitting our baby! She and her family were spending time seeing and visiting various places in western Canada, and attending a wedding in Oregon. We loved being able to love her little girls, giving them attention as she once gave our daughter.

Another of our visits was planned weeks ago. Another young woman, here for work-related meetings. When we met her, she had just entered the ‘junior’ youth group. She would have been about thirteen at the time. Now, she lives in France … moving to Paris from Nice, when she returns there in August. She was only with us for a night, but reconnecting and catching up with her was a delight!

The third of our visits was planned … days before 😉 ! A couple who, when we met them, were dating. They had led the youth program at the church prior to hubby’s arrival, and continued on for the years that followed. They eventually got married, had a daughter, and then another. Then they moved to the San Jose area of California, and had two more daughters. Their girls span the ages of our kids, and it was so fun to blend our families together.

All three of these visits came together at our home, on a Sunday evening.

We caught up with each others lives.

All of our kids, after about an hour of awkwardness, hung out, played games, played with toys, and were shot by our son with his nerf gun (what can I say … he was the only boy in a house with eight girls).

The rest of us were reminiscing, remembering, and laughing … alot! It was so wonderful!

It took us back to times when we were all younger. It took us back to the times of beautiful memories, and times of deep, shared sorrows. It took us back to people and places that hold such significant places in our hearts and memories. It took us back to the blessings of that time, and made me think about the ‘what ifs’ …

What if we had not moved west?

What if we had stayed in the same denomination of church?

What if we had brought our children up with these kids?

And, as I contemplated these ‘what ifs’ I didn’t feel very content in my current life. I didn’t feel very confident in our choices. I didn’t feel as though I was experiencing that delightful hindsight that confirms that decisions were made for a greater, and better purpose.

Then today, three days after out perfect storm of visitors, as the last of them left to continue their journey, I was struck with thoughts of the past and the present (hum, this is soooooo ‘middle aged’ of me!). And those thoughts didn’t leave me feeling very content.

But, as I drove down the highway, a song came on the radio, that reminded me that the ‘big picture’ of life is not within my view, it is not visible to my human eyes. Sure, we make decisions about our lives, and there are consequences (good and bad) to each of those decisions. But how the story of our lives ends, is not within our understanding.

As I look back over my life so far, I can see how some of my ‘good’ decisions turned out great, and other ‘good’ decisions turned out awful. I can also see how some of my ‘bad’ decisions turned out (as predicted), awful, and other ‘bad’ decisions (surprisingly) resulted in good (hope I haven’t lost you yet).

In all of my decisions, in all of my life, I am certain only that God is sovereign, that He is in control, and that He, and only He, knows how my story will end, because He wrote the story. And, in His sovereignty, I can look to the future and “know that He WILL work together, for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28)

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Halfway …

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Habits, Life, Struggles, Weight Loss on July 21, 2011| 5 Comments »

As of last week, I am halfway!

Halfway to what, you ask?

It could be halfway to school starting … oh no, not the dreaded ‘s‘ word!

It could be halfway, as in middle aged … no way baby, this chick is going for 100!

It could be halfway to paying off our mortgage … in the immortal words of Cinderella, “a dream is a wish your heart makes …”

It could be halfway to vacation destination (Cannon Beach? New Brunswick?) … nope … sadly still slogging away!

It is none of these.

Last week I reached the halfway mark of my weight loss goal … thirty pounds down, and thirty more to go. Hurray, all that hard work, saying ‘no’ when I really wanted to say ‘yes’ to my favorite treats. All those miles of walking. All those celery sticks and salad. All those times I had nothing, when what I desired most was cheesecake.

Hey, it’s time for cheesecake, to celebrate! Actually, even though it is only 8am, as I am writing this, I could really go for a slice of cheesecake right now … the variety really doesn’t matter. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water (and my pants feel tighter … sigh, I have reached the point of weight loss that my own brain becomes my enemy … aka, my accountability conscience).

This weight loss stuff is quite the journey … really more like a slow motion video than a journey. Back in January I began this process (no, this was not a New Years Resolution, it was more of a response to the fact that my hubby was dropping pounds like my beast drops poo! So I figured I better keep up with his fine example … it might have also been in response to that ‘sweety’ at church who said, “so have you been finding all that weight your husband has been losing?” … deep breaths … deep breaths … deep breaths! But, I digress).

Somehow, unlike other weight loss phases of my life (oh yes, I’ve been this size before … heck I have been anywhere from a size eight to a size twenty-four over the past twenty years), this time I have not gotten all depressed when I go through those ‘plateau’ phases. And I don’t even feel tempted to stop eating well … I guess it is because, this time I have finally got it through my thick skull that it took all these years to pack on the pounds and ounces, and it will probably take years to take them all off again … and then it will take the rest of my life (decades) to keep it off.

And really that is the biggest battle in this exercise (pun intended) of weight loss, but really in battling any bad habit. The need to realize that, although we live in a ‘microwave’ society, where we can access what we want, and when we want it (from hamburgers to movies to education to money from a cash machine) there are some things that take time to access, to achieve.

In this time that we are living, cash is quick and easy to access … and debt, along with that!

Sex is quick and easy to access … and loving, meaningful relationships are not.

Food is quick and easy to access … and our belts constantly need readjusting.

The things that are truly good for us, are not quickly accessed, and the habits that are bad for us, take immense strategy, commitment and determination to overcome.

And so I will continue plodding along on this quest to, not just a smaller pant size, but to a healthier me. I also know that although it only took six and a half months to loose the first thirty, it will probably take another year (or more) to take off the next thirty. And that’s okay, because I have learned that things that are good, are worth taking the time to achieve.

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“… a Writer …”

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Life, Oprah, Passon, Writer, Writing on July 20, 2011| 1 Comment »

“I didn’t know you were a writer.”

Those six words were the sweetest I had heard all day …

For those of you out there in blog-readerville, I realize that compared with the the writings of C.S. Lewis, Lucy Maud Montgomery, and Charles Dickens, I am a pre-beginner in the school of writing. I also realize (and my high school English teacher would agree) that I have the grammar skills of a pygmy! But who gives a rip … someone called me a … writer … (I think I hear violins!).

I don’t think that there is a new title I more desire, at this stage of my life, than that of writer. I am already a child of God. I get to be called ‘mom’. Hubby calls me many things (ditto ‘sweetie’ 😉 ), and with that came daughter-in-law, sister-in-law and aunt. I was born a daughter, soon after was followed by sister. I was always my grandmother’s favorite (only) granddaughter, and with that came niece and cousin. I am also Special Ed. Assistant, employee, friend and slave to the beasty.

But, to be called ‘writer’ … oh, how that does my heart good (I said that with a African American, Southern drawl in case you couldn’t hear it 😉 ).

I have this secret (okay, not so secret … my hubby and kids would tell you that I just do not shut up about this) goal of being ‘discovered’ by Oprah … now, don’t you all … y’all go and snicker when you read this! This is my dream, people! And I figure if anyone knows anything about seeking out an impossible dream, with passion, it is Oprah Winfrey … besides, she’s also got a staff, and the connections to put me on the New York Times Best-Seller List. And that is my, now not so secret, goal. I have, if not the gift of writing, the gift of dreaming. Dreaming and writing … they go hand in hand.

When I awake each morning, I cannot wait to sit and write. When I go to bed at night, I close my eyes and force myself to not think about what I might write about in the morning, for fear it will keep me up ’til the wee hours of the morning planning and plotting my words. Since I started daily writing, four months ago, it has become my daily activity that symbolizes the wind beneath my wings. It gets me up in the morning, it gets me through my day (no matter how butt-ugly it might be), it helps me persevere, it helps me keep my sanity close to intact …

… i t b r e a t h e s l i f e i n t o m e.

Through daily writing I have felt the presence of my Creator more acutely than just reading the Bible and praying. It is as though He is writing with me (maybe not all the time … my cheeky, Devil’s advocate, pushing the limits type of personality are certainly not always very Godly), and, often I start writing with one direction in mind, and it is as though someone else moves my thoughts and words in a very different, very much better direction.

I feel like when I write, it is therapy, it is passion, it is my voice, and I feel as though it is a team effort. The team being all those who cross my path each day, from my loves to my students, to my friends, to strangers who pass my way, to the God who taps out on the keyboard through my eager fingertips.

And, if Oprah never does ‘discover’ me, if she never reads a word I write, if I never pick up my ringing phone to hear “Carole, this is Oprah Winfrey,” that is okay too. Because I write, not FOR Oprah, not for my friends and family, not even for me …

I write, because, once I got started nothing within me would allow me to stop. And, if that, more than my pygmy grammar and pre-beginner writing skills makes me a writer, than I am free to be called a writer 🙂

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Treasures in Heaven

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, The Kids, tagged Life, Memories, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, Treasures in Heaven on July 4, 2011| 1 Comment »

I have written a number of times about our pregnancy losses. The responses I have received to them, have indicated how very common, how very painful and how very life-changing they are on those who share such experiences.

Truly, to have experienced the loss of a yet to be born child can leave a permanent imprint on the hearts of those who loved that child even before he or she took it’s first breath.

Today, July 4, is the 20th anniversary, of the due date of our first child. One who died, in utero, around sixteen to eighteen weeks gestation. I admit that this date has rarely, except on the actual due date, had any significance for me. The date that I have more commonly remembered is January 21. And this past years anniversary was particularly significant.

For those who have experienced loss, any loss, the anniversary of that loss can be felt in many different degrees. Some years the date passes, and it is not until the day later, or even weeks later, that the significance of that date is remembered. Other years you remember it every moment of that day, and the days, and even weeks, surrounding the date.

This year was a little of both.

It was Thursday, January 20, and my family was having a jovial, sarcastic, humorous dinner together (in other words … a ‘normal’ dinnertime). As we were laughing, eating, re-creating the events of the day and sharing plans for the day to come, I stated “I can’t wait for tomorrow, I get to go to chapel!” You see I work in a Christian high school, and every Friday morning our school has ‘chapel’. I enjoy chapel, but I have not ever said that I was eager to go, so it was a rather odd statement for me to make.

The next day, Friday, January 21, I filed into the gym, with about five hundred other staff and students, as well as parents. I was feeling pretty good that day. Eager for a good work day, and for a time of school community worship.

The music began, and it was okay … nothing ‘wow’ish’, but it was good.

Following the worship time, and a few announcements, the speaker for the morning was introduced, a local pastor. I didn’t know him, had no connection to him. He started with prayer, and then addressed the scriptural reference point that he would be focusing on as he spoke … Matthew 6:19-24

… and my heart stopped

… and my palms became wet

… and my throat became so dry

… and my mind raced … what is today’s date?

… and I remembered …

… and tears fell against my will.

The reason for the emotional and physical reactions to the mention, and then reading of that scripture is that one night, as I slept, after the loss of our first child, I had a dream. The dream was of a man, I do not remember what he looked like, but I knew, with everything within me, that it was Jesus. And, in the dream, I handed a baby to Him … our baby. And Jesus looked into the wrapped up child, and His eyes were riveted to the tiny babe, and He smiled … that wonder-filled smile that we all smile, when we gaze into the face of creation. And then He looked at me, with such love, such compassion, such comfort, and He said “I will take care of your treasure for you, until you return. While you have this treasure, with me, in heaven, your heart will be here too.”

And, the dream was over.

And I opened my Bible, and found the passage, Matthew 6:19-21. And I knew that God had given me the confidence of His care for our child, and the promise that we would one day meet, and the comfort of knowing that our child was in even better hands, in heaven, than he or she would ever have on earth (even though we loved that child so much).

And that, for all of my days, I would live my life with my heart focused on the treasures that await me in heaven. And that our three earthly children would grow up knowing that as much as we, their parents, love them … God, in heaven loves them even more.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,

where moths and vermin destroy,

and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,

where moths and vermin do not destroy,

and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-21

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Hanging on …

Posted in GOD, life, WONDER, tagged Control, Life, Storms, Struggles on June 28, 2011| 1 Comment »

Yesterday I wrote a post about dealing with struggles, and when it was finished I realized that I was pretty good at speaking truth, and not so good at living it (aka. I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching). So, not wanting to be a hypocrite, I decided to take my own advice.

I knew I needed to get out, and have some undisturbed time … what mother of kids who live at home doesn’t desire that? Fortunately, one kid was out, and the other two were preoccupied with video games and the telephone … and kid number four (aka. hubby) was deeply engaged in a movie. So, I took a notebook, a pencil, a cup of tea and a towel (to dry off the outdoor chair I was heading for, as it had rained … (again).

I sat facing the bright, even warm, sun. This was fantastic, as last week was the first day of summer, and I am still very convinced that we have barely had spring! But, I digress!

The sun was beautiful, and the sky, although dotted with big white cotton ball clouds, was a spectacular bright blue. So I dried my chair, and snuggled in with my tea. I laid my head back and smiled … eyes closed. When I do something like this, I am reminded how infrequently I take the time to do … nothing, and how immediately responsive my body and mind are when I do. Hum, maybe our bodies and minds are created with a need for rest … not just sleep (which I am a big fan of) but rest … being still.

So, there I sat, the sun shining down on my, my body and mind becoming still. Then my eyes opened as I realized I did have a purpose in going out … I had my notebook and pencil. So, I stood, and turned my chair so that I was facing away from the sun (deep down, I was probably looking for a rainbow … it had rained earlier). Then I got my notebook out, and started writing praises.

Now, if you didn’t read my post yesterday, it was about those life moments when you feel like your life is hanging by a thread, when your ship comes in, but you are at the airport, when you’ve got just one nerve left and someone (heavy) is standing on it …

… when you are in the midst of struggle.

And I spoke of how when we are in the midst of struggle, we need to give up control and look to the only one who is in control for answers.

And, as I sat outside, the sun on my back, I did just that. But I went one step further … I cannot look on the God of my life, and not praise Him (hum, maybe that is what we were designed to do). So, I began to write down my praise to my God.

I started with His reminder to me … “Be still and know that I am God (I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10).” And then, in no order (ha! ha! ha! … in my mind order is absent anyway) I wrote about what I was seeing … the bright blue sky, the brilliant green trees, plants and grass. I wrote about what I was hearing … the melody of a chorus of many kinds of birds, insects and squirrels.

Then I wrote of how hard it was to sit, and be still … I could weed, I could trim that grapevine, I could dead head my rose bush. No! I am here to worship, and be still! Then I wrote (page two) ‘I will praise you,’ and, for the next half hour I sat, and I wrote my hearts praises to God.

And I didn’t stop until, after over three pages of writing, I had a cramp in my right hand, from scribbling down on the paper. Over and over, what came to my mind, and I wrote on the paper were praises to God for what I know, in my head, He is. And, as I read my list over, I realized that I was praising Him for the things that were my struggle …

Over and over, what came to my mind were words of how God is my protector, my safety, my comforter. The very areas I was feeling needy. Obviously, what my mind knows (that God will protect me), I easily forget when I am trying to stay in control of the struggle of the moment.

But, I didn’t only learn that the cries of my heart are already being comforted by the Great Comforter … I also learned that the struggle cannot be hurried, and that to find comfort in struggle is even better that knowing the struggle is over.

You see, when I turned my chair from the sun, I was looking for a rainbow …

I wrote the following on my paper …

“My grapevine is reaching up, reaching out towards the sun, the light … it is beautiful! BUT I turn my chair so my back is to the sun, the warmth, the light, because I want to see the rainbow … the sign of the end of the struggle and the hope prayed for … I want to RUSH the reward …”

You know what? After about an hour of praising God, I got my reward … without the struggle being over yet. To have followed the leading to praise in the midst of the storm was far more rewarding than to know that the storm is over. One day, the storm WILL be over, but to have received God’s peace, and comfort in the midst of it is even better … because that is a miracle that could not have been achieved if I had been in control.

And from now on, no more searching for rainbows … like my grapevine, I’m looking towards the light.

God is in control, and I will praise Him in the storm.

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Hanging on by a Thread

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Control, Frustrations, Life, Storms, Struggles on June 27, 2011| 2 Comments »

Do you ever feel like you are hanging on by a thread? Or maybe you live with, or know someone else who seems to be just barely surviving … but rather precariously. They are desperate, they are exhausted, they are hopeless.

When I am having a hanging by a thread moment a vivid picture forms in my mind. It is a picture of me, in a small boat, in the midst of a growing, growling powerful tropical storm. I am alone, I have no supplies to help me get through it. I have no protection from the elements. And I have no idea how much longer it will go on before the storm passes (or I pass).

Life has ‘hanging by a thread’ moments (that seem to last years, even if they only last a few days). And when these inevitable times come, we just want them to hurry up and go. Unfortunately, they have a mind of their own, and their coming and going seems to have little to do with our efforts.

I having been trying (as a person who struggles with the lack of a gift of patience) to learn to appreciate process, rather than just wish that the struggle were over. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn. And, with every step forward, I slide backwards even farther.

Although my attempt at appreciating process sounds honorable, I have to admit that my rational for this self-learning is not completely honorable. You see, I am trying to ‘work the system’ (how it is that I think I can ‘work the system’ of something untouchable, invisible, is ridiculous … even to me).

My thinking is that we usually can only appreciate the process of struggle AFTER it is over (oh, hindsight, how I love thee). So, what I am really trying to do, by appreciating the process, is seeking the benefit of hindsight in the midst of the process 😉 … But, I am also hoping that by appreciating the process … the struggle might get over sooner! I do realize that my theory is not only confusing, but it is also very flawed, and very … wrong.

There is simply no way to rush the process of struggle. There is no ‘working the system’ to try to expedite the end of struggle. I cannot sit contentedly in my little boat, in the midst of ocean swells, all alone, and just enjoy the ride. Struggle is not something to appreciate, it is something that brings us back to the reality that we cannot do it alone. Struggle is something that should cause us to say, “I give up.”

Now don’t go getting your skin tight theological knickers in a fisherman’s knot! What I mean when I say that struggle should cause us to give up, is that we need to give up our control on the situation, and give that control back into the hand of the man who stilled the water, and calmed the sea. You see, if I am in the midst of struggle, I am going to suffer it’s effects …

I’m going to get wet,

maybe even bruised from being thrashed around,

I might even get sick,

or even tossed out into the sea …

Because bad things do happen to good people … everyday! That … is life … But, God’s hand, and His plan is to see me, to see us, through it.

He knows how long the storm will last.

He knows how the storm will end.

And He knows we need to rely on Him, and not on ourselves, in the midst of it.

And, it is not until we take our eyes off the struggle, that we can see who it is that is in control, and that He is bigger than anything we could ever face.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?”

Job 38:1-2

“Then Job replied to the Lord, I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Job 42:2-5

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Lessons on Public Transit

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Lessons Learned, Life, Riding the Bus, Wonder on June 23, 2011| 2 Comments »

The other day my job took me into the city via public transit.

I had just taught a unit on public transportation, and wanted to wind up that unit, and the year, with a fun day.

For me, public transit is a blast! It is rare for me, or the rest of my suburban family, to actually need to take public transit. But it is such a fantastic place to people watch! And, let me tell you, this part of the day provided vast amounts of people to watch.

First off, was the bus …

There most people looked like they were walking zombies. I tried, very unsuccessfully, to make eye contact with many … to no avail. To be honest, I am not sure they were really there, maybe their presence on the bus was a figment of my imagination.

But there were two guys get on the bus, probably in their mid-twenties (so, compared to my aged-ness … they were young’uns). They were a little … scary looking (what can I say, I am a middle-aged, female suburbanite). Maybe gang members, maybe homeless … definitely rough and tough (and even a little gruff). So, I kept watching them … when they weren’t looking my way. The bus was filling … fast! Then a woman gets on with a boy who is about four years old. And there is no available seat (and I am too pre-occupied people watching to get off my lazy butt). And one of the rough and tough guys gets up … and looks at the woman … and kindly offers his seat to she and the boy … Be still my heart! Kind, genteel, gentlemen do still exist … even if they look too scary to make eye contact with.

Later in the day I was on the bus, and saw someone that, lets face it, we have all encountered. It is the he/she. I glanced in his/her way off and on for about ten minutes, trying to ascertain whether he was a he, or if she was a she (this is not an easy feat, as there seems to be an unwritten rule about public transit, that one must not make eye contact with … anyone else). Clothing gave no indication, hairstyle gave no indication, and I wasn’t close enough to decide based on voice. I couldn’t see any indicators of shaving, or … female upper body development … I was left with the mystery of never knowing …

Lesson #1 … you can’t read a book by it’s cover …

Then there was my faux pas (okay, so it wasn’t my one and only faux pas, as I already was trying to make eye contact like a timeshare salesman in Mexico, with anyone and everyone … which reminds me of the time hubby and I were in Mexico, walking along a busy tourist street. The timeshare salespeople are yelling and beckoning and flattering everyone who doesn’t look Mexican. And this one is yelling, obviously to hubby, “hey Meestir”, but MY hubby is a smart one … and he just pretends to not hear him. Then, same guys yells, “hey Meestir, your shoelace is untied” and MY hubby looks down, and then we hear, “I knew you could hear me.” … but, I digress).

As the bus lunged forward and then back, at a stop, I absentmindedly reached for the pole in front of me, and my hand brushed the behind of the guy in front of me … let me tell you, I know how to go from pale to crimson in milliseconds! Fortunately, he just turned towards me, and smiled graciously … probably more like, he thought it was hilarious that someone so old could still blush!

Lesson #2 … look before you reach …

There was this adorable little baby. He looked like he had just awakened from a nap. He and his mom/nanny appeared to be Chinese, and he had the most delightful cheeks! As his eyes scanned the other occupants of the bus, his face was without emotion, without expression. His stare was met with equally tired eyes, smiles, and grown adults making faces at him, (that made them look like a side show at the circus). The only expression close to a smile from him was to his ugly, well worn teddy bear.

Lesson #3 … beauty is in the EYE of the beholder …

Then there was the cute Korean couple. They looked to be early twenties, and so very eager to touch hands, to talk, to make eye contact … with each other. I really do not think they were at all aware that there was anyone else on the planet, let alone on the bus. Now I don’t mean they were clinging to each other, and to look at them was to watch saliva being shared from one to the other. I mean they were simply in the bubble of ‘each other’, simply so delighted just to be … together.

Lesson #4 … few things can make one smile like love in the other persons eyes …

except maybe … a little girl?

And finally, the best moment of my day of public transit …

A VERY pregnant woman (I kept my cell phone in my hand, in case she went into labor right then and there), with a cute little girl, wearing a dress, white tights, and her curly blond hair up in a ponytail. The moment they boarded the bus is so memorable, because something about them drew the attention of almost everyone else on the bus.

People whose eyes had barely left their shoes, were watching. People who had been muttering to themselves, hushed, and just watched. The lady in her perfect figure and expensive yoga wear, looked up from her meditation, and smiled. The really good (I mean REALLY good) smelling guy, with the expensive-looking suit, moved well out of the way as they moved down the aisle, to their seat, as though he was making room for royalty. The older lady who had spent a full two and a half minutes (I admit, I timed her …) searching her change purse for her bus transfer, looked up at the pair and stared, as though their appearance into her day took her to another time, another place. Then there was me … and my first moment of watching them, I was taken back, to years past when sleep was rare, but life was wonder-filled, simple and innocent.

I do not know what it was, exactly, that caught the attention of so many on the bus that day. Maybe it was the beauty of new life, maybe it was how clean, how fresh they looked in the dirty, metal bus. Maybe everyone else on that bus was waiting for the ladies water to break. Or, maybe it was something ‘out of this world’. Maybe there is universal kindness, universal instinct to protect those who might be vulnerable.

Whatever it was, it was a wonderfilled moment for me. And it encouraged me to spend more time people watching.

Lesson #5 … the best of all that is created, is probably the best way to see the beauty of the Creator …

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I’m an Addict!

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Addiction, Health, Hubby, Life, walk on June 21, 2011| 2 Comments »

I never thought it was possible, but I have become addicted to walking my favorite trail!

Not that anyone who has walked my favorite trail would blame me, because it is a spectacular trail. But the part about … me … addicted … to walking … that is what is hard to believe.

Now, my beast … she has always been addicted to walking! When she doesn’t go for a walk, she looks depressed, and gives us guilt-laden looks that no human can duplicate! And when she does go for a walk, she is the picture of contentment!

Life has become simply too busy this week to walk my trail … the trail I have been walking at least three times a week … for months! It has now been six days since I last walked it, and there is no available time in the foreseeable three days! And I think I am gonna lose it!

Tonight hubby and I were supposed to be removing sod on a piece of land that we planned to build our brick patio (hubby got an amazing deal on landscape bricks, from a neighbor … weeks … months … hum, years ago. So, we decided that indeed we could do this task … ourselves. And the time was now. But, I digress). But, the sod remover was very heavy, and we live on top of a hill, so getting it to the upper backyard … not so easy peasie. Then the sod remover was not too easy to figure out how to get it to actually cut the sod.

All that to say, words were said, (under our breath), looks were exchanged, frustrations were elevated, declarations of wanting to sell this massive property (in exchange for a brand new, comes with a property management company, condo) by me were made, tears burned in my eyes … and a quiet evening was had by all! And really, all because I haven’t (WE haven’t) been going for regular walks.

All I really had wanted to do was walk my favorite trail … (and it probably would have been better for all around me!).

This walk on the trail has become my leavening agent … like yeast or baking powder. If I mix it into my week in a well-proportioned way, the rest of my week rises and falls in balance. If, on the other hand, I do not take the time to add the leavening power of my walks to my week, the week ends up with the qualities of a hockey puck … hard, flat, and dangerous.

Truly, it could be said that I have turned a corner in my philosophy of life and living. For me, on this voyage of attaining better health, better living is finally becoming part of my daily fiber. Now, I miss my walks, like I once would have missed chocolate (oh, chocolate, I remember you. Dark, creamy, mouth-watering, satisfying, chocolate … chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, and oh, my personal favorite, homemade chocolate sauce … I a m s o w e a k …, and, I digress … again).

Walking now feels, not just good, but right. And that is a core change in how I think. I now recognize that going for those walks is not so much about how burning all those calories enables me to then eat more (a girl has to have her ‘rewards’ 🙂 ), but that going for those walks makes me feel better, think better, choose better, LIVE better (and squeeze into some of those clothes that have been gather dust in my closet for years).

So, today, I think something else is just gonna have to go. Now, what could go? Dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms … hum, if I don’t do those three things, I would have enough time to walk! AND, I have three kids … so if they each ‘get’ to do one of those jobs, I can walk, AND come home to a clean house! And they get a more mentally stable mother (they have no idea just how this could benefit them).

Seriously, just thinking about walking makes my thinking so much more clear!

Now, where are those walking shoes? And my beast? And yes, even my hubby (who I am talking to, and is talking to me again … thanks to a couple of great guys who came over to the rescue of our sod, our marriage, and our sanity).

Time for a walk … it does a body, mind and soul good!

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