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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

It is a rare thing for an athlete to have both a gifting for speed and for endurance. The short track runner needs to have the human equivalent of fuel injection … they need to start fast and keep it going to the end. The marathon runner needs to be able to pace his or her self … it is a long run, and so their energies need to be spread out over a longer period of time, running consistently until they cross the finish line.

Endurance has become, in our society, a word associated primarily with athletics. I am no athlete, but I do know that my natural tendency in living is that of the short track runner.

I can start well, I have amazing energies for short term projects (and if they are long term, they are still sitting, unfinished, in a closet in my house), I am fantastic at responding in a crises, I am a confident trouble-shooter. I struggle to know how to be balanced, I struggle to start anything slowly, I can easily shelve any project or problem when I get bored of it. I struggle to keep going when I cannot see the finish line.

When I think of the word endurance, I think … marriage.

This week hubby and I will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage together. To some we have already run a marathon (amen to that), and to others we have only completed a short track event. To us … it depends on the day 😉

Twenty-two years is more than half of my life (I was married  w  a  y  too young, at twenty … now your brains are all doing the math). I have quite literally grown up with my hubby. We have gone through our twenties together, we have gone through our thirties together, and now we are speeding through our forties (he, of course, is speeding through them MUCH faster than I). We have had the joys of sharing the births of our three children, and the sorrows of losing five others. We have moved, quite literally, from east to west, together. We have loved and learned and lived … together.

When we were first married, we were both so into it! We were so focused on each other, on making sure that we were meeting each others needs. We wanted to please each other, we wanted to love each other. As life has moved on our focus on each other has been back-seated by the million and one other important things in life … children, jobs, home, yard, church, friends, etc., etc., etc. It is so easy to see the motivation behind the Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond hit “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” …

She                                                                                   He

You don’t bring me flowers                                        You hardly talk to me anymore
You don’t sing me love songs                                     When you come through that door at the end of the day…
I remember when you couldn’t wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after loving me late at night                              When it’s good for you, babe.
When you just roll over and turn out the light…    And you’re feeling all right
And you don’t bring me flowers anymore

Those memories of early in the relationship ‘short track’ love, can be a great and horrible wedge once you are into the endurance run of ’til death do us part’ marriage. It is so easy to remember and reminisce about the new (and young) love stage of relationship. Often it is easier to remember it than it is to maintain it. And it is easier to remember what your spouse used to do for you and I, than to remember what you (I) used to do for them.

This marriage thing … it is definitely an endurance run. And, it is a tandem run, as well … it means that the success or failure of your marriage is dependent on both runners giving their all, all the time. Keeping pace with where your partner is heading. Being alert to possible ailments or distractions, for yourself, and for your partner. It also means that, at times, you will be the stronger one, and you will need to pull them along when they are weak, or ill, or just not on top of their race. But another key element to running the race together is rehydrating, refreshing each other … sometimes that refreshment comes from being apart, but usually it means making time to be together.

Like water to a weary runners body, time away, as a couple is not just a nice thing to do, but it is necessary if the marriage is to be kept alive. Sometimes it can be accomplished as easily as taking a walk together, or going to bed early and locking the door (there is nothing so disturbing to adolescent and teenage children, as a closed parents bedroom door, BEFORE they go to bed … their response is equal to the classic ‘heebie-jeebies’ … personally I am thinking of investing in a ‘do not disturb’ sign … just to keep shocking them … I figure my goal in life is to shock them before they shock me 🙂 … but, I digress). Sometimes it is a dinner out … not with another couple, but alone, making eye contact and talking. And, sometimes it is a day or more away, together, to reconnect just as a couple, and rediscover what it is that drew you both together in the first place (sometimes that is more advantageous than what is keeping you together presently … if it is not a happy and productive leg of the marathon).

So, we pace ourselves, my hubby and I … and hopefully we can make a time of refreshment possible … so that we can keep pressing on to the finish line … together, in tandem.

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My first thoughts when I awoke this morning were I don’t know if I can walk to the bathroom, and I need coffee. The two thoughts go together too.

Yesterday, for the first time in over a month, I walked my favorite trail … all of it. It took over two hours, and it was great (it was great to be done, maybe not so great while doing it 😉 ). The weather was hot and humid, the trail was full of walkers and bikers, and we did it … my beast and I.

The poor beast was panting hard on the second half of our walk. Just as her tongue was dripping from her hard panting, I was sweating like a stuffed pig on a spit (was a pretty pair we must have been).

On our first half we did take a few breaks, so that the beast wouldn’t collapse on me (of course there was no danger of me collapsing … ). We would walk down to the rivers edge (which was much farther out than a month ago. Heck it was much farther out than I had ever seen it) so that she could cool off in the water, and get a drink at the same time.

There were many people standing on the rivers edge, fishing. It was a day to be out, a day for people to enjoy what might be a last day of Indian summer. A day to enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature … the sun, the fresh air, the leaf laden trees, and all of the other beauties outside.

As we turned started our second half, we were confronted by the sign to the right … that did not make for a confident walk back! Seriously, I did not need that! I already have paranoid thoughts whenever I am walking in the wilderness (like down my street) about being chased by a bear … I did not need confirmation that they were actually in the same area that I was in! What made it worse was that, shortly after seeing that bright and foreboding sign, I saw a tail on the pathway (and I am sure that it was not there when I passed that way just moments before). A squirrel’s tail … without the squirrel! I was now in a desperate state. So, I did what any well-adjusted, mature, woman in my right mind would do … I texted a picture of the sign to hubby, so that he would know how I died. And his response … was about a half hour later! I could have been bear poop by the time he responded! So much for sensitive, hubby!

Alas, the beast and I did survive the potential of a bear attack 🙂 .

But then, just as I was feeling as though we were safe from calamity, my beast started making all of the signs of needed to poo. And I, of course, was ready! As she squatted, I untied the poo bag from her harness (I know making her wear her poo bags is the equivalent of me wearing toilet paper around my neck, out in public … but, she is a very self confident dog). And when I started to put the bag over my hand … there was a hole in it … at the end (where my middle fingers would be … yuck). Alas, I was like a girl scout, and was prepared for anything! I had two bags! So, I doubled up, scooped up, tied up and we continued on.

We had a very uneventful second half of our walk (minus the anxiety-provoking sign and hole in the poo bag incidents). I am not sure which of us started to sprint-walk once the van was in site, but I know that both the beast and I were overwhelmingly thrilled to see it. The beast settled into the back seat, and did not move again until we got back home.

And we both slept well that night … with our minds full of the beautiful visions of our walk, and the sense of accomplishment of doing something that allowed us to exercise and enjoy the beauty of creation.

And my aching body … it pales in contrast with how wonderfully my soul feels.

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Passion

Someone asked me this week how I can find time to write a blog.

We do have a busy family of seven. There is hubby and I, two daughters, one son, plus the newest arrival of a brother and sister from China, who we also call our son and daughter. I also took on full time work this September. Hubby is a busy, in demand, pastor of a great church family. Our kids are involved in various activities. And … then there is the beast …

So, yes we are busy, and finding time to write a blog is not easy.

But, for me, to take (to make, to carve out) time each day, five days a week, to write … well it makes my days proceed with more ease, more fluidity, more … purpose (and writing forces me to walk, because the opportunity to exercise, breath deeply and enjoy the calling of God’s creation give me wonder to write about). Because I know this to be true, I cannot stop writing, for fear that I will not function as well, as healthily, as … purposeful.

I have discovered that my passion of writing (albeit with dreadfully poor grammar) is something that I must force myself to do, in order to receive it’s benefits. Although the practice of writing makes my heart beat with passion, it is still a habit that I must discipline myself to do, because my love of it is not enough to keep the passion going.

Have you ever been … passionate? I’m not talking about another person (although that is okay too … well, if they feel the same way about you). What I am talking about is the thing or things that make you feel like you are successful, not because of the outcome of doing them, but because of how empowered, how energized you feel while doing them. The thing you do that makes everything else you do in living your life (from making dinner, to wiping noses, to picking up beasty poo) better, more enjoyable.

Within each one of us is a passion, a unique calling in our life to fulfill. For some, it might be their job. For some, it might be a daily task that they love to do (one of my friends loves to clean … go figure … and so she now does housecleaning for others … and I am eternally thankful, every Wednesday … actually, I bet she has another passion … maybe she has been to shy to share it). For some it is a hobby that they share. And, for others a hobby that they do not share. I bet that for most, it is something that they are scared to admit, or don’t know it yet, or … something that they know they like, but they do not make time for it in their lives (like me, for far too long).

I encourage you, from my own experience, seek it out, carve time out of your busy schedule to regularly practice it.

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Hi, my name is Carole, and I am a control freak. For those who know me, you did not need  for me to admit it in such a formal, public way to know how true my statement is.

Yes, I like to do things ‘my way’. Yes I like to be the final word. Yes I have been known to pick out my hubby’s clothes (he ignores my choices of course … did I mention I am, perhaps, not the only control freak in my house?). Yes, I have been known to take the toilet paper roll off and put it back on (the right way), and I have repositioned dishes in the dishwasher, and I have re-folded towels that hubby folded (the wrong way), and so on, and so on, and so on.

And those are only the examples that were right on the top of my head (and I would admit to publicly). Imagine how much more I could tell if I actually took time to think about it?!

Being a control freak is easy, being aware of it is humbling, trying to live and think differently … not so easy.

I wonder, did it come from nature or nurture? I am an ‘oldest’ child, and being in control is a trademark of the oldest child. But, maybe it is also part of my innate personality, and will be impossible to completely exterminate.

However I developed these control freak habits, there are ones that I want to make sure are not controlling me, and making me into someone that even I would despise (kind of sounds like I want to control the control freak within me … where will it stop? I really do need professional help! Now I am controlling the controlling part of me? But, I digress).

One of the trademarks of a control freak is not just having things go their way, but being the one who is ‘right’ in conversations. This is NOT a good characteristic for someone who wants to have friends! For someone with a strong controlling nature, biting ones tongue may be the only cure (if, of course, you can attain the forethought to bite at the right time … ha!ha!ha! ‘at the right time’ … get it? A control freak thinks they are always right … but, I digress … again).

But maybe, rather than causing life-long lacerations on your tongue, there is another way. How about repeating over, and over, and over again in your head … ‘what is more important, being right, or my relationship with the person I am talking with?’ Wow! That hits in the gut, now doesn’t it? But it works! When I remember that question, I find that my conversations are far more kind, far more fair. I find I hear more, speak less, and think of the persons heart and soul over my need to be … right.

Imagine, a control freak beginning to see that someone else is more important that their need to be right … what a concept! This could change a person, this could change a family, a workplace, a community … the world … But, the most important change is that of the heart, of a cold, cruel control freak.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverb 15:1

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Like all people, I have had ups and downs. There are times when life is lived with exclamation marks, and times when it is lived with question marks. There are times of struggle and there are times when struggles seem a million miles away. There are times when we desire to live forever, and times times when we beg the Creator to take us now (I think I must have been reading Ecclesiastes lately).

Have you ever noticed that when things are going well, you rely on others less? It’s because your needs are simple, and can be met all by yourself … you don’t need anyone for anything.

And then when things are really not going well, we need others, we need help. But, for me, even if I need and even want to rely on others, I struggle to know who and how to ask for help. Heck, I struggle to even recognize that there is help out there.

I was reminded of this the other night when hubby and I were out to a restaurant for dinner. As we were talking to our server, she mentioned that she was having pain in her back, that had been keeping her from sleeping at night. When I mentioned a product that I had found to be helpful in the past, she said, “of course! I have used that in the past. I guess I was thinking so much about the pain, I couldn’t think of a cure.”

As she continued talking, I found my mind thinking about her statement, “I was thinking so much about the pain, I couldn’t think of a cure.” And I found myself thinking, isn’t that how it is when we have pain … any pain, in our life? When we hurt, physically, emotionally, spiritually … in any way, the pain takes over our thinking, our reasoning, our troubleshooting  abilities. And we often fail to see the cure, the help, the solution for the pain (or at least ways to ease or lessen it).

When our pain is not a physical pain, we need a pain reliever that is specifically suited for that need. What we have to do to relieve our non-physical pain, is to allow ourselves to be held, to be embraced by someone … bigger, stronger.

For a child, there is no greater pain relief than the warm embrace of his or her mother, and father. It always amazed me how my child’s tears would disappear when I held them. In the same way our spiritual father can wipe away our tears, when we allow ourselves to be taken in by his warm and loving embrace.

Just like when I hold my suffering child, the holding may not take the suffering away. But what being held by creator God does, is that it allows one who is so much stronger, so much bigger, to hold us, comfort us and soothe our weary hearts. His arms around us, His presence in our lives reminds us that the Creator of heaven and earth cares about our heart aches.

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Today’s post title adequately describes the birthday party held at our home last week. Thirteen boys with an average age of twelve equals a loud, smelly, testosterone-filled three hours (and an Ibuprofen sized headache for mom and dad 😉 ).

Once again I was reminded how very little I know and understand about boys. They are like a different creature than any other … man, woman, female child … and then there are … boys … A creature totally unto their own.

First off was how they grow at this stage. Now I had been noting growth in my own boy in a significant way over the summer. He must have grown a couple of inches! But some of his friends … they have grown FEET! It was surreal! I walked them to my van, after school, feeling as though I was walking in the company of giants.

Then there was the … scent of a van full of boys of this age … Oh Mr. Old Spice guy, how I longed for your scent (now that I think of it, I should have utilized the opportunity to give them the party loot bag gift of antiperspirant … necessity is the mother of invention … and those boys, they had need! But, I digress!).

At home they truly seemed to me to be trying to end each others lives, while playing in the pool. I was certain that my pool water was full of psychopaths (and probably full of pee too … thirteen boys in pool for almost two hours, and only two got out to take a leak … yuck! And this is why, as soon as they went home, we shocked the life … literally … out of the pool water). But, according to hubby, this is what boys do. And they were (according to hubby) having great fun. I am so glad that I am female! (and I am even more glad that we have TWO daughters and ONE son …).

When the gourmet birthday meal was completed, they arrived at the table. And when the … hot dogs … were set before them, one would have thought it was an Ethiopian banquet. I never knew that it was humanly possible for three dozen hot dogs to disappear so quickly (1. ‘human’ … maybe I am overestimating things when I refer to them as that. 2. Darn! I knew I should have videoed the event … I am sure the rapid disappearance of the hot dogs could have won me big money on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’).

Then gifts … again boys and girls are different! Girls give gifts … boys give cold hard cash.

Finally the cake (they all wanted an icing-laden corner piece). But what they really wanted was to return to the pool. So, off they and their full tummies leapt into my pool (at first I was a little worried that the inhalation of weenies might result in … ‘floaters’ in my pool. But then I remembered that they ate them so quickly that surely if they were to rise again in their digestive track, they would certainly still be all in one piece 🙂 so I could just scoop them out of the pool and they could return to murderous acts against each other).

And then … their parents arrived 🙂

and took their boys home 😀

and hubby and I dropped into our comfy chairs vowing to re-think boy birthday parties … not really 🙂

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Almost ten years …

Anniversaries are times for remembering, reviewing and reminiscing. And the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the United States is no different.

It is a time to reminisce about history before, during and after 9 11.

As today is 9-9-11 (two days before the anniversary of the terrorist attacks), I wonder how 9-9-01 (two days before the attacks occurred) might have been different, how we might be different, had the terrorism of that fateful day not occurred. I wonder if people awakening on 9-9-01 had concerns about flying, if they felt there way a terrorist threat, if they knew the name Bin Laden. Was 9-9-01 an age of innocence still? But I also wonder, did people say goodbye to friends and family more casually? Did people forget to tell their loved ones, ‘I love you’ before going off to work or school?

I also wonder about how we were different to our loved ones in the days following the attacks. I know that, for me, in the days following the attacks, I took more time to read and talk and snuggle with my kids at bedtime. I know that snoring from the other side of the bed, at night, was less annoying, and more a comforting sign that he was still there.

But, I also know that I have forgotten how the events of that day had scared me into loving unconditionally, for a time. But, I have become complacent, I take tomorrow (not just today) for granted, I have the freedom to take those I love for granted … because I forget that they might not be here (I might not be here) tomorrow. May I not have to be reminded again, at such great cost.

It is a time to remember the events of that day, and the human losses.

For any of us, where we were and what we were doing, when we heard of the first attacks on 9-11-01 will forever be imprinted on our brains. That is because what we heard, what we saw caused a trauma … a permanent scar, on our brains. I remember arriving at the gym, and seeing the first tower on fire, and thinking, “how awful.” Although true (it was awful), now that seems like such a trite, distant and removed response.

Our minds, our eyes were glued to the information we were hearing and seeing. We were shocked, we were unbelieving that what was going on, was really real. We remember seeing the footage … over, and over and over … of the first, and then the second plane hit the buildings. We remember hearing that the Pentagon had also been hit. We remember hearing of a plane crash in a field in Pennsylvania. We remember seeing people … falling, no … jumping … from the burning buildings … Remember?

It is a time to review where we have gone since the events of that day.

So, where have we gone from the horrors of that day? And I do not mean from the perspective of airport security, of retaliation, of government policy … I mean where have you and I, as observers of that day, gone? How have we changed how we live our lives? What have we learned? In what ways do we do life differently?

I cannot sit on a plane and not think of the unthinkable visions of 9-11-01, and realize that yes, it could happen again. I cannot hear people debate blame of politicians, and fault of agencies without thinking, ‘where there is a will, there will be a way’ (do we really think that we can prevent all attempts of terrorism with a policy?). I cannot hear of retaliation and not think ‘but there is evil in all men, when we eliminate one, many more rise.’ But, these are negative responses. These are not the responses that, I believe, any of the victims would desire us to have.

I cannot speak for the dead. And I knew none of the victims of 9 11. But, IF I had been one of the victims, I believe I know what I would want others to hear from me …

Live your life to the fullest.

That is it. Just live your life to the fullest. Love those nearest to you, and love them daily. Ponder what (who) is most important to you, and spend the bulk of your time, your energies on that thing … or, more realistically, with that person. Don’t sit on the sidelines watching others live their life, go our there and live, and live, and live …

… because, when life was coming to an end, that fateful day, I bet they each wanted just one more chance at life … and we still have it in our grasp … live it, because they didn’t have the choice.

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Last weekend I had a glimpse of simplicity, of relaxation, of down-time. And what flowed out of me in the quiet of the unhindered hours of that Saturday morning was far more creativity than I had experienced in a very, very long time.

It has made me think about how I live my life, and how I encourage and allow my children to live their lives. But, more specifically, how we construct our days, our weeks. What we fill our hours with. What we ‘do’. And what we consider to be relaxation, simplicity and down-time.

Although not just in the context of Christian living (but certainly, to a large degree, a huge factor in the Christian community), Christians tend to live as though we are fearful of uncommitted time. As though down time is, in itself, a sin. As though every moment of every day needs to be filled to the brim doing … ‘stuff’. But, I just do not believe it!

When my brain is empty of immediate pressures, commitments, and expectations … it is then that my heart and my soul are able to play a greater role. It is then that I can create. It is then that I can love better, plan better … live … better.

Today I was reading Genesis 1 and 2 to a young girl from China. Her English was limited, and her Biblical familiarity lacking. So, as I read the story to her, I explained each of the six days of creation.

And then we came to day seven … and Godrested

Well, if that is not enough encouragement for us to take a break once in a while (maybe once a week? … just sayin’) I cannot imagine better!

But, you know what else I realized … God had probably been resting before he started the process of creating. And look what he was able to pull off having had a rest!

Now, I am not legalistic when it comes to sabbath rest … heck, for my hubby, who is a pastor, Sunday is NOT a day of rest. I am okay with grocery shopping, working, and playing cards (something my poor grandmother used to feel guilty doing on a Sunday) … if doing those things, on a Sunday, allow for Sabbath rest at another time in the week. But, I do believe that if the God who put the heavens and the earth together (in whatever form He chose to do it in) chose to rest one day out of seven, then we, mere mortals, could probably benefit too.

Try it! Try taking a day (for some, start small … just take half of a day … ) and enjoying Sabbath rest. Do things that make you smile, do things that allow you to stop and smell the roses, do things that fill your energy cup, do things that make your creative juices bubble, do … nothing.

See if taking a selfish break, from that endless ‘To Do’ list, makes you better at what you do the next day.

 “he blessed the seventh day and made it holy,

because on it he rested

from all the work

of creating

that he had done.”

Genesis 2:2-3

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We were heading to do a bit of back to school shopping, my youngest daughter and I. It was a shopping trip with a mission … to purchase what was needed, and get back home … on budget, and with our relationship still intact (those of you with teenagers understand the near impossibility of that).

I decided to start our evening off right, with a mother-daughter dinner. This enabled conversation, planning for the evening, and full bellies.

As we were sat at a table, another family was seated just across from us … a mother, a daughter and a preschool son. My daughter noticed them and oued and awed over how the older sister was caring so tenderly for her younger brother (how she could not see herself in the place of the older sister, and how good it would be to treat her younger brother with tenderness … at least once in a while … I do not know. But, I digress).

And this moment, at the beginning of our evening, started a most wonderfilled evening together. She started a theme, and we began to seek out similar moments, intentionally.

The theme altered slightly, from children in general, to little girls and their fathers. And so, with her impetus, we began seeking fathers and daughters to observe. And, we did this all evening.

There was a man at Costco with his daughter in a cart. The preschool aged daughter was holding a package. Her dad looked at her and told her not to open it, he then looked away, she looked at us, grinned, and giggled with the twinkle in her eyes communicating that she would not stop trying to open it.

Then the little girl who cried she wanted to go home, and dad hugging her.

And the little girl dressed up, in a pretty dress, riding on top of a mattress set, on top of a cart … looking like the princess and the pea … dad pushing her on it.

By the end of the evening we had purchased all that we had sought out, we were on budget and we were still talking (an amazing accomplishment). I am convinced that it was because our ‘purpose’ for the evening had changed. Oh, we still got clothes and food and school supplies, but we also got to lay our heads on our pillows that night with the beauty of wonder filling our hearts and souls. We sought wonder (intentionally), and it was there.

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This summer was different than most. And it was certainly not the summer I had planned or hoped for.

I worked for half of it, and the other half was spent with two Korean student house guests, and two Chinese student guests / new family members (they will be living with us for the school year). It was also different, because the warm summer weather was delayed, slow, and at times non-existent.

There are things that have been staples in our home and family, that just didn’t happen this summer. Things like daily swims in the pool (we have become wimps … and just do not go in the pool on cool or overcast days), nightly ‘tribal councils’ (we sit out under the stars to the light of the tiki torches, laughing and talking … and texting each other … while only a couple of feet apart), summer school work (I usually give my kids summer school work, to keep their brains engaged over the summer, but working made it hard to find the time … this is something that my kids have NOT missed 🙂 … I have never seen them so happy about me working. But, I digress), and a time away for all five of us 😦

The following is a wrap up of my summer:

Days when I did not have to leave the house … ZERO 😦

Days I had morning coffee on the deck … THREE

Days of temperature over thirty degrees … TWO

School lessons taught … ZERO (Mom 😦 … TWEEN kids 😀 )

Nights of ‘tribal council’ … THREE

Books read … ONE HALF (thanks to my flights to and from New Brunswick)

Pool parties … ZERO

Toes dipped into Pacific … ten

Toes dipped into Atlantic … ten

Korean students our family got to host … TWO

Chinese students who have become part of our family (for the whole school year) … TWO

Camps our two youngest attended … THREE

Summer debt accumulated … ZERO (thanks to my summer job). And every minute and hour of it were worth it! I got to work with fantastic people, learned much new information, and got a paycheck.

Was I loving working in the summer all the time? NO! I did have a ‘poor me’ day, where I griped and complained to hubby that I was working my tushie off and would have nothing tangible to show for it. Last week, as we were admiring the brick patio (bricks that we had, largely bought used … transported here, then carried up our mountain of a property) that our friend (who we had hired when it became obvious that we would not have time this summer to complete on our own) laid for us. And hubby instructed me to look at it, and see that my extra working did have something tangible to show for it.

And, it was good.

So, it was a different summer. It was not the one I had planned on having. Working was not what I had wanted to do. But different is not bad, it’s just … different.

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