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Father Son Bonding Weekend

Posted in life, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Apple Cup, Campus Crusade, coming of age, Encouragement, Family Life, father-son bonding, Football, letters, male bonding, Passport2Purity, road trip, thanks, Washington Cougars, Washington Huskies on November 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

As I write this post hubby and our son are off on a two day trip to watch the Apple Cup (the trophy given to the university football team in the state of Washington – Cougars or Huskies). It will be male bonding at it’s best … football, cheap hotels, road trip, and the over-ingestion of flatulence-causing foods … I am so glad that I am not invited!

This trip is part of a plan that hubby and I adopted many years ago, when our kids were much younger. It all started one day as I was listening to a radio program that discussed the concept of a mother-daughter or father-son time away to discuss the years to come, and to provide opportunity to have ‘the talk’ in a less stressful, more relaxed environment. There were materials available, called Passport2Purity that provided a schedule, suggestions of what to do with your son/daughter, as well as audio and visual materials to guide discussions.

For me, the materials provided a springboard for conversations. Some of the illustrations used have been forever etched into the minds of my daughters and I simply because they were so … corny. That said, if you can use them as a guide their benefit will outweigh some of the uniqueness of their presentation (which provides shared humor, so all is good).

The structure of the program provides time for ‘learning’ but also has a strong focus on having fun together as well.

With our older daughter, I took her to Seattle for shopping.

With our second daughter, it was Disneyland.

With our daughters I was able to open the lines of communication broadly in areas such as money and time (stewardship), substance abuses and sexual experimentation (self respect), relationships (honoring one another) and future planning (using their gifts and passions with purpose), and we were able to have these important conversations before they became real issues in their lives. That premature timing, I feel, is key. Rather than waiting until your child is in a stressful, peer pressure filled situation, they can think about and even plan their decision making before it is an issue.

With both girls the trip home was the icing on the cake, with both saying over and over, “thanks for taking me away, Mom.”

Then, once back home, I got to give them a beautiful box full of letters from important people (mostly females, other than their dad) in their lives. They are the people who have been cheering them on for a year, or all of their lives. They are from women who vary in age from about ten (one is a drawing) to seventy. They are from women who share blood … or not, share faith … or not, share location … or not. These boxes of letters hold words of encouragement, words of hope, words of love to read, and re-read again as the tough stuff of the teen years comes their way. These boxes rarely gather dust, as they are places of refuge, of safely of remembering. These letters are the gifts that keep on giving.

And now it is the turn of father and son. Neither one of them knows what a great weekend they are both in for!

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I’m a Whine Expert

Posted in The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged blessed, bump on a lump, complained, Eeyore, estrogen, FAMILY, Friday, griped, Hormones, lethargic, low energy, whine, whine expert, whining, whiny on November 16, 2012| 4 Comments »

It is time, once again, for confession …

Hello, my name is Carole, and I have been whiny!

I have been whiny all week long! I have griped, I have complained, I have been pouty and even a bit surly at times. As I look back over this past week, I really feel a great sense of sorrow for my poor family, co-workers and anyone else who has had the great misfortune to be in my presence this week. Especially my family, who has been on the receiving end of my mood.

I haven’t been yelling or excessively aggressive, so much as lethargic, useless and very little mental capacity for anything beyond making a cup of tea.

My poor family members have tried to share stories of the day, as I stare off into their foreheads. They have asked simple questions, as tears fell from my eyes and I begged, “please, no more questions.” They have asked about making social plans, and been responded to with, “I am struggling to plan which apple to pack in my lunch, ask your father.”

Basically I have been having a week of low physical energy that has turned me into a bit of a ‘bump on a lump’ to live with. My hormones are so fatigued that even they have gone into lethargic hiding (and that is saying something for the hormones of a thirty-nine year old woman … with three years experience). Right now I would just like to follow in the noble line of mothers – of the bear family- and snuggle into a warm and cozy den for a long winter’s nap of hibernation!

Heck, I am so lethargic right now that even my sweet tooth is in absentia (and that might just be a new wonder of the world)!

I have to say, though, that my family has been amazing to me this week. While I was dragging my feet from one place to the next, every time I opened my mouth sounding like Eeyore, and offering little other than food at dinner time (honestly, I am not quite sure how that got done … I must have been on autopilot), they simple moved and swayed around me. Once in a while a hug, or an arm around my shoulders, or an offer of a coffee shop run for my favorite tea latte (aka, my happy drink), or some assistance with a job around the house was given to me, with no hope of anything more than a grunt in return.

A lethargic week? Yes. A week where I know that I am loved by my family? Definitely! I am blessed!

No more Eeyore … besides, 😉 it’s Friday!

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Time Away

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged Alone, couple, Fatigue, get away, intimacy, Love, Marriage, oneness, responsibilities, robotic, romantic, survival mode, Time Alone on November 12, 2012| 1 Comment »

Why does a couple need to get away, alone? In this day and age, it is not like parents have to share their bedrooms, their beds with their children (well, except maybe for some parents of toddlers and preschoolers). We have locks on our bedroom doors, homes of great comfort, and vehicles that can get us away for a few hours at any time … any time that we are both free!

Hubby and I stole a few hours to ourselves this past weekend. He had the entire weekend booked off. Our Chinese students were planning to spend the weekend with relatives in another city, our daughter had plans to have a sleep over with a friend, and hubby was hot on a trail to find a place for our son to go.

After drop offs, errands and appointments we finally fell into our seats at the Greek restaurant we agreed to meet at for a nice, quiet dinner … for two.

And that is pretty much the only detail of our time away together that I am planning to share!

So, why does a couple need to get away, alone?

After this recent brief time away, I can answer it clearly and concisely … intimacy.

In the day to day of life with kids, pets, jobs and so many other responsibilities, survival mode is the one we stay in most of the time. Our conversations are about schedules and driving and issues related to everything but our relationship with each other. Our physical intimacy boils down to a quick kiss on the cheek and need meeting. Our ability to love the other with adoration, respect and desire is hindered by bills, fatigue and interruptions.

Basically we forget why we got together in the first place, while we are in a relationship that can begin to look more robotic than romantic.

After a few hours alone together, our conversations become more deep, more personal, more intimate. We are free to venture into areas such as dreams and fears. We are free to be just one couple, not parents, employees, bill payers, laundry doers, kid drivers, football coaches … just ONE couple.

And in having the opportunity to be alone reminds us of the intimate oneness that was all part of the plan from the beginning, that the two would become one. Not one parent unit, not one property management, social committee, corporation, but one couple.

To miss out on this opportunity of intimate oneness would be a great loss.

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The Closet Reno-Part 2

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged bead board, Bench, budget, building, closet, completion, cordless drill, cost, cozy nook, create, Dust, finish, finishing, OCD, plan, reno, renovations, solid, sturdy, the brave husband, wood frame on November 8, 2012| 2 Comments »

“I really do think my hubby is brave. In a world where men still seem to feel the need to control much of life around them, my hubby is confident in who he is … confident enough that he lets me also be who I am, and for that I am immensely thankful.”

I wrote the above this past summer in a post called Brave Husband where I wanted to give credit to my hubby for allowing, and accepting my creative side in our home and garden. And this post is the second and final post about the closet reno. that is (finally) complete.

It began with a vision in my head, and an itching in my soul to tear down, and build up. I ripped everything out of the closet, and put on my construction hat.

I had a plan, measured, cut, changed the plan, sweated, built, changed the plan yet again … I am a natural at adapting and modifying!

After the frame was built, the bench and lower shelves installed, much of what was left was the beautifying. And it doesn’t take much time in the beautifying to discover that it is there that things can get costly.

For example, I wanted to install a shelf, above the coat hook area (to place my very cool -cheap- older suitcases, for storage). I was thinking that rustic, wooden corbels would do the trick (much like the ones to the right). Well, apparently the law of supply and demand would indicate that there is great demand for them (try broken ones for $100 each!!!) thus, I needed a new plan.

So, off to the orange home store, where I scored four cast iron looking plant hooks, which cost less than $4 each. Then to the dollar store where I found real cast iron hooks for just $2 each (and since I had two from another project, I only had to purchase four).

My goal for this project was to not spend more than $100 from beginning to end, utilizing as many materials as I could from around our home, and purchased from thrift stores and yard sales. I was sure that I might just blow the budget completely when I started to seek out estimates for foam for the bench. The price range was $56 and up! After I picked my weakened self off the floor, I started considering other ways to get foam. My final purchase was a foam mattress topper, which I cut myself, and it cost $15.

The fabric for the pad was a bit of a concern too, but I said my prayers before walking into a thrift store one day, and low and behold, there was a roll of fabric for $10, that I really loved, and was only $10.

I was able to use moldings that I had laying around from previous projects, as well as paint, and many nails, screws, caulking (a little DAP will cover a multitude of ~~sins~~ poor cuts), and decor.

The following are the things I had to purchase:

$27.24 for drill bits and plywood
$48.29 for bead board and nails
$7.00 for the ‘TV cabinet’ that became my lower shelves
$10.55 for paint for trim (my old can had not been closed tightly 😦
$15.98 for the brackets to hold up the top shelf
$9.00 for hooks
$9.99 for the fabric
$15.49 for the foam
$7.oo for the two suitcases
$12.49 for the extra moldings

So, I was over my $100 budget, but still it was not a terrible cost, with the grand total coming in at $163.03, and NONE of that cost was labor, because I did it all myself (with a little help from my guy when I would get a screw stuck … I think we need a new, cordless, drill).

This project, with all it’s challenges, dust, mess, sweat and head scratching really fed my creative being. I felt refreshed for having the opportunity to demolish, plan, build and create.

Through the process hubby encouraged me, assisted with the challenges I have as the physically ‘weaker’ sex, and told me it looks so much better when it was all done. He knows that I tend to get a bit OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to my creative projects, resulting in him BBQ’ing more meals than normal, driving kids more often than normal, and more mess around the house. Yet, he continues to encourage me to be … me.

I think I will keep him!

(… because I have a bigger project planned for next summer 😉 )

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Celebration from Two Sides

Posted in FAMILY, life, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged adjustments, blending of families, celebrations, First Christmas, Habits, Hubby, leaving and cleaving, Mark 10:7-8, Marriage, new normal, normal, rituals, Traditions on November 6, 2012| 1 Comment »

Back when hubby and I were first married (in the stone ages), there was so much to adjust to in coming together into a new life.

Trying to blend two unique lives, experiences and upbringings is no small thing, and not at all easy. When this blending is in the initial stages the others family, habits and rituals seem nothing short of strange, because we humanly always think that our own existence is the ‘normal’ one (thus the others is abnormal).

Recently, when hubby and I were celebrating our anniversary, we were discussing the different things we each had to adjust to when our separate families were joined through our marriage.

One thing that stuck out, as contrasting was how our separate families would celebrate events, occasions and events.

My family celebrates EVERYTHING! Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations, moving away, etc., etc., etc. The celebrations would include not just our immediate family, but extended as well. Frequently including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. There was always food in abundance, always a cake.

My exposure to my hubby’s family, in terms of celebrations was different (remember these are just my interpretations, not necessarily those of my hubby’s experience growing up). Celebrations also included food. For birthdays the celebrations would take place at a restaurant, including the immediate family. At Christmas a meal was prepared, and shared by a few more family members. Celebrations were smaller and quieter.

From my perspective (due to my ‘other end of the spectrum’ experience) there was no celebration. I remember our first married Christmas, when the gifts under the tree were still unopened when we went to bed on December 25, only to be eventually opened the following day.

From the perspective of my hubby (due to his ‘other end of the spectrum’ experience) there was always an over-the-top celebration, with food and gifts substituting the reason for the celebration. He still does not grasp the need, on Christmas morning, to be up at an “ungodly hour” (a tradition in the home of my childhood) to open gifts, when they will still be there hours later.

Ah, and after the recognition of these differences, and others, comes the hard work of what to keep from our childhood traditions and what to throw away.

And that is what leaving and cleaving is about. When we marry, we leave our childhood, and it’s rituals behind, and we start something new. We look at the heritage we have come from and we, together as husband and wife, decide what to keep, and what to let go of, in an effort to cleave, to become a new ‘one’.

Mark 10:7-8 says, “for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh: so that they are no more two, but one flesh.” Our goal should be that over time, the two become one, understanding that together they have created a ‘new normal’, unique to only them.

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PK’s

Posted in life, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged Children, Christ, Church, Commitment, discouragement, fo into the world, go, Kids, Mark 16:15, pastors kids, pastors wife, PK, responsibility, serving God, stereotype, wings. on November 5, 2012| 3 Comments »

When I got married to my hubby, there were two people who wondered aloud about the life (as a pastor’s wife) that I was entering. But I was young, in love, and there was nothing that we could not survive, as long as we were together!

It did not take long to realize that this life had it challenges, but it also had amazing blessings. Our life is designed around the challenge of making the life of Christ one that others want to follow, in a deeper, more sincere way. Along with that, much of our mutual desire is to help those who have been hurt, deceived, or ignored by other Christ followers see that we are not all like that, and that the One we follow is not in the business of hurting, deceiving or ignoring.

Through the years we have added three kids to our family, and as our kids they were born into the title of Pastors Kids PKs). There were negatives like having a busy dad (who has made a commitment to not miss the important events of their lives) and a life where everyone in the church knows you (but often that has meant the blessing of many dear people who pray for them), but I really did not see PK as a negative stereotype for our kids.

Our kids, like their peers (and their parents), have moments when they blow it royally, but they do so not because they are PKs, but because they are fully human.

The reality of our life in the church means that they know things others in the church do not. Things that we sometimes do not want anyone exposed to, especially them. Things like times when their dad has been spoken of derogatorily, or when their mother has been hurt. They have experienced the social ‘shunning’ by peers whose parents do not support the work of their dad. Then there are the times when they have been the center of the negative conversation, and a ‘friend’ has relayed the conversation to them (without any mention of defending them at the time). They know the discouragement and disappointment that ‘serving’ God in ministry can mean.

God has given us such a beautiful life, and we have laid down our lives for the sake of this ministry. But God has given us the beautiful responsibility of introducing His love to two daughters and one son, and that is a responsibility I will never sacrifice.

So, I do what other mothers may shudder to consider. When our children reach high school, I sit them down and explain that I want them to know the freedom of Christ without the confines of the title they were born with. I tell them that we, their parents, have no expectation that they will choose our church as their church. And then, I encourage them to …

GO!
-to a church where they choose
-to a church where they are ‘just’ another believer
-to a church where they can serve simply because they feel compelled
-to a church where the style of worship encourages them to worship
-to a church where the delivery of the message feeds them

“go into the world, and tell everyone the Good News” (Mark 16:15).

That is the most important message I can give them … that, and wings so that they can choose to fly.

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The Closet Reno-Part 1

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged bead board, Bench, building, closet, cozy nook, cut once, finish, measure twice, reno, renovations, solid, sturdy, the brave husband, wood frame on November 1, 2012| 2 Comments »

Well, I am finally doing a follow-up post about my Brave Husband that I started way back in July. As I stated in that post “what makes my hubby brave is his willingness to let me ‘experiment’ with our house and garden.”

My patient man came home one day, early in the summer to find that I had removed everything in our hallway closet except for the drywall. His only response was, “I am guessing you have decided on your first (summer) project.”

I had set to work just that morning, after spending many weeks considering what I might do to create a door-less, closet storage area with a cozy place to sit and read, write or simply escape from one of our, now only three, teenagers in the house. I had filled a bucket with tools that I might need was wearing the grubbiest of my grubby clothes, and was thrilled to be taking something apart, with the visions of how it could look when I was finished.

Once it was naked of all that it had previously contained, from shelving to carpet, and everything in between, I set to work on the part that made me sweat the most … constructing a wood frame for the bench. I had never built a frame before, and this one would need to be secure enough to hold … me! I was very nervous, and the previous visions of the finished project were replaced by day/night mare of someone (me) sitting down and having the entire bench come crashing to the floor. I had the outer supports screwed into the studs of the walls, then added cross pieces every 8-10 inches (I cannot remember exactly). Thankfully I had 2X4’s in my garage, so I only had to purchase the screws!

The frame seemed to hold … even me standing on it!

The next step was to go and purchase plywood … Oh my goodness! Seriously, with the amount of trees in the area of the country that I live, I did not see the rational for having to take out a mortgage to purchase a piece of plywood! Yikes! So, when it came time to cut it, I did not measure twice and cut once, I cut eight times, and measured 2-4 times before each cut. When all was measured and cut, it fit on top like a glove. And the security of it … it was so well constructed that when I sat my happy … behind on it, not a creak, not even a whisper of a noise. Look out Mike Holmes (of Holmes on Homes).

As you can see from the photo directly above and left, there are shelves below the bench. I purchased this ‘TV stand’ at a thrift store, primed it with ‘bonding’ primer, then painted it with semigloss white paint. I was in awe at how perfectly it fit (with a bit of cutting from the back right corner, to fit the shape of the closet). I screwed it to the opening of the closet on both sides, to ensure it would not migrate.

The next step was to purchase bead board (kind of difficult to see in this picture, above to the left and right) … mortgage number two! I had to purchase three sheets of it, but was able to use all but one small piece (about 10″x 14″), so the lack of waste made the price not so depressing.

I will continue my closet reno. story in the near future … I still need to finish ~~one~~ ~~two~~ a few more details before I am ready for the final reveal.

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I Won’t Give Up

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged attention span, Committment, cry of my heart, failures, Future, God knows we're worth it, I wont give up, Jason Mraz, Love, Marriage, Memories, Perseverence, successes on October 30, 2012| 2 Comments »

A while back while in the hairstylist’s chair, this song enters my consciousness. And throughout my being I felt that inner … sigh. That sigh that says, “I heard every word, I felt every emotion, I just experienced the cry of my own heart through the words of a stranger.

I wrote recently about my flawed ability to persevere, and how I have a three year lifespan of interest in just about anything from my job, to hobbies, to even my relationship with my hubby, and it is in that, my relationship with my hubby, that the words of the song in the hairstylist’s chair, spoke to me.

It does not make me proud to admit that my hubby has heard from my lips, statements like:

“I’m done.”
“I cannot keep doing this.”
“I don’t see a future for us.”

And those are just the statements that I am willing to share in writing. Perseverance is not my strength! But, commitment is my strength, and I am thankful for that.

When we married, over twenty-three years ago, I know I expected this marriage thing to be easy, after all we loved each other, and that is all it takes, right? Well about six or seven years into our marriage, when neither of us were as quick or willing to apologize, kiss and make up, as when we were first married, easy was not how I would have described marriage.

There have been failures on the part of both of us. We have had seasons of frustration, boredom, annoyance, anger and apathy with and for each other. There have been times when each of us have failed the other in our initial vows to the other.

Now, twenty-three years later, I know that we had not even touched the tip of the iceberg of what love is when we were married. Now, I know that love is not a feeling, it is a state of being and doing, even when it is ugly, messy, uncomfortable and inconvenient. In the words of someone I heard back when we were first married, “marriage is about bad smells and bad noises,” and if I might add to it, bad attitudes and bad behaviors.

But, it is not all bad …

In our years of marriage, we have had seasons of great joy, great happiness, beautiful memories, mutual love and support of each other. My hubby is my best friend in this world, he knows me like no other, and there is no other who I want to share my darkest nights, or brightest days with. It is with him that I feel a sense of completion that is other-worldly. It is with him that I feel the most real me.

So, as I sat in that hairstylist chair, with the following song penetrating my mind and heart, the statement that came to mind so very clearly was:

“I won’t give up on us”

“God knows we’re worth it.”

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Keep On

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged adrenaline, give up, Hebrews 12:1-3, hide, keep on, Perseverence, Philippians 1:6, Thomas Edison on October 29, 2012| Leave a Comment »

It had been a ~~day~~ week. One in which I was tired, cranky, depressed and hopeless. It was … a week.

As I sat down in front of my technology to try to clean up my email inbox, I was sighing with my lungs, and calculating how many hours until I could go to bed with my mind. The thought of crawling under the warm and safe blankets of my bed was the most appealing future I could desire. All I really wanted to do was hide and sleep.

I noticed a blogger friend had a new post, so I opened it up. She wrote about being a writer, and the question, did she want to be a writer or did she want to have written. Basically, she was asking herself, am I a writer yet (to which I, one of her avid readers, would say, “honey, you ARE a writer”). I could relate to her question, about writing, and about other aspects of my life.

Then I noticed the following video also in my inbox:

Perseverence

“Now we know another thing that won’t work. That’s progress!”
Thomas Edison

My hubby would tell you (accurately) that my lifespan of interest in pretty much anything is three years … tops! Perseverance is not my gift. Thankfully commitment is something that I am gifted for, and it covers a multitude of my non-persevering flaws.

I need to remember the value of persevering, of keeping on in what I am doing, even when it might seem that I am failing miserably. I need to remember that adrenaline highs are not to be expected at all times, and that sometimes our perceived lows are the times when we are learning to maturely just keep going, because if we stop, we might miss the highest height of our experience yet!

Our persevering is a model of integrity, of commitment, of faith in “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion (until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6).

I really like how Hebrews 12:1-3, especially here from The Message, nails it so well”

^“Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!“

And so I will persevere, I will keep on, focusing not on the race, but the finish line.

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Imagining the Future

Posted in FAMILY, life, The Beast, The Hubby, The Kids, WONDER, tagged blessed, Busy, Dreams, empty house, Home Alone, imagining, Kids, Lonely, the future on September 14, 2012| 3 Comments »

Hubby and I have been married for almost an eternity and we share three children … ages almost twenty, fifteen and a half and almost thirteen (funny … almost and halves are never added to the ages of parents … I, for instance, am thirty-nine … with ~~three~~ four years experience).

Just a few weeks ago we said farewell to our eldest for a semester at an East Coast University. Our youngest daughter entered grade ten, and our youngest is in his last year of Middle School.

For the past couple of summers I have had moments when I can see into the future.

Our home would frequently be vacated by our kids. Dinners in the summer are often just three of us, or, if we are lucky, two. Those times when it is just us two, we feel are treats, and we enjoy the peace and quiet that our kid’s busy social lives allow.

But, peace and quiet, as delightful as it is once in a while, reminds me that it is coming in a more regular fashion, and very soon. These moments of alone time for hubby and I remind me that soon it will be hubby and I more often than not. That the laundry will not take all Saturday. That dinner out will not be Subway. That grocery shopping will be a short stop rather than an evening affair. That my vehicle will not be a minivan, and it will not go through fuel like that of a taxi.

Recently, when the house was empty, except for hubby and I, I just sat and imagined all that extra time to do as I pleased. Hubby was tapping away at his laptop, watching something on television. The beast was having her after-dinner nap. And, I was still and imagined.

I did not like what I was imagining, because it seemed so very … quiet.

As I sat, imagining, I realized that this phase of life is the one I dreamed of most, back when it was just hubby and I, dreaming together of what our future would be. I have never been a ‘baby person,’ although I loved our kids as babies. I always dreamed of having a house full of adolescents and teens, filling our house, and my days, with noise, and laughter and the challenges of growing up. I imagined just what I have, right now.

How blessed I am to have this dream fulfilled. And how blessed I am that God whispered in my ear, to be still, so that I didn’t wish this most desired phase of life to be over without fully immersing my heart into it.

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