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Someone is Listening

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #godhearswhatwedontsay, #godlovesyou, #godpursues, #godsees, #godspeakes, #godspursuitofus, #someoneislistening, #wherecanigofromyourspirit on May 11, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Seriously?

I have this experience periodically. I will be musing, or mourning, or making sense of life in my heart and mind on something for days … days, maybe even weeks. Then, suddenly, I am flabbergasted by what seems like intentional communications to me, from the Creator of heaven and Earth.

They will come in the form of social media posts, song lyrics that are playing on the radio, or words from another who has no idea what is going in my heart and life.

It makes me feel a bit as though I am experiencing Zephaniah 3:17 :

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Except that, in these cases, the verse might be re-written as :

The Lord your God is always right beside you, a mighty one who will save, support and encourage; he will rejoice over you with joyfulness through your co-workers; he will quiet you by his love written all over instagram; he will exult over you with whispers of encouragement through singing on the radio; he will speak his message of care to your heart and mind, while you listen to that podcast.

It is as though God is listening to the silence around us, hearing every beat of our heart, whispering into our souls,

I see you

I know what you are experiencing

I love you

and will pursue you, even to the end of the world (Matthew 28:20).

There is no other god who reaches so far to show himself to us. No other who sticks closer. No other who knows us so well that he knows our silent thoughts, and fears, and insecurities, and doubts.

People, the Almighty God, the Creator of heaven and Earth, the one who loved us so much that he sent his Son … he is worth following, he is worthy of our praise. Follow Him and you will experience a love and freedom beyond anything else.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
Psalm 139:7-8

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To Mine on Mother’s Day

Posted in FAMILY, life, The Kids, WONDER, tagged #inchristisfreedom, #lovebeingtheirmom, #mothersday, #mykids, #selfishmomdesires, #tomineonmothersday, #youhopesanddreams on May 9, 2021| Leave a Comment »

To mine …

I am thankful for you three who have spoken mom, mum, momma to me since your lips and tongue could first form the word.

You three are precious gifts to me (and your dad).

I am your mom. I write those words with pride in my heart, for I do not wish to ever take this gift of your life for granted. Each inhale and exhale from your lungs is a gift, one that I had little to do with.

I gave you so little. DNA, a place to grow (both from within as well as after you were born), nourishment, love … all of the basic building blocks, the scaffolding from which you grew, developing the person who you are today, who you will be in all of your tomorrows. It’s not nothing, but in the totality of a human life, what I provided for you was embryonic.

I think, if I were to look back with honesty and openness, I would have to admit that my initial reason for wanting each of you was totally and completely selfish. I wanted you because I wanted to mother you. And I am so very thankful that you three were who I given to fulfil this selfish desire. My hope is that, in my selfishness I also have given you more than just the task of meeting my desire …

I hope that I have given you a desire to fulfill your hopes and dreams. I hope that I have given you a need to be the best you that you can possibly be.

As each of you has walked into adulthood, I have realized how very selfish we moms can be, when it comes to our children. Though you may not live under my roof, I still want to have opportunity to mother you, to love on you all, to be a part of your futures. The thing is, I realize that when it is all about what I want for and from you, then our relationship is still about my desires and not about releasing you to make your choices, to live in the freedom of making your own path.

Even in your celebration of me today, this day is not about what I deserve as your mom, but it is about who you are choosing to be, as adults, irrespective of how I mothered you. For today you choose how and if to celebrate and that reflects not on me, but on each of you and how you choose to live your lives.

I don’t want you three to be mirror images of me … not in how I look, how I live, how I think. I want each of you to be a better human, a better soul than me. I want you to make your choices, willing to live with the good, bad and ugly that come from them.

And I do hope you will share your experiences and learning with me. That you will allow me to celebrate with the good, cry with the bad … knowing that I will pray for you through it all.

For your every breath has been in the hands of your Creator, it is His gift. He have overseen every day of your existence. My goal has, is and will always be to remind you of that, of Him. For it is only in and through Him that you can truly be the best and most free you.

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Bulbs in the Ground

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged #bulbsintheground, #growwhereyouareplanted, #purpose, #solomoninallhissplendor on May 7, 2021| 2 Comments »

Snowdrops

and crocuses

and daffodils

and hyacinths

and tulips

and …

I love them all, those bulb flowers.

They herald spring before the calendar, bringing color to our landscapes before the grass is barely awake. Some (hyacinths) provide scents that make our insides smile. They bring smiles to our faces. They provide hope, for they, in all of their colorful beauty, emerge from their dark, cold winter grave with spectacular life, purpose.

Solomon in all his glory

Now if only they would last a bit longer!

The thing is we plant them in the ground at the end of the growing season (mostly). There they sit, in the Earth, dark and cool. They are lulled to sleep by the lowing temperatures, Then, without a will within their bulbs, they simply begin to grow, up through the soil. Fed by the light they continue growing, adding leaves and, eventually, flowers.

They just do what they are supposed to do and their beauty is jaw-dropping.

“See how the flowers (the lilies, the tulips, the daffodils) of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:28-34

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Three Little Words

Posted in Love, Walking with God, tagged #becauseofwhoseweare, #jesuslovesme, #theologyinsong, #threelittlewords, #yesjesuslovesme on May 4, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Three little words can really pack a punch. They can move me through memories, years and so many emotions. They give me that warm and fuzzy feeling, but one that lasts …

Jesus loves me

I hear the words (or write them) and the song starts to play in my mind. Learned in a tiny Sunday School, on Canada’s other coast, the words take me there, take me through the evidence of life and living that the words are more than just simple song, but solid theology lived out.

I know that others struggle more in their belief and understanding of who Jesus was and is. For me, I have always known the truth of his presence, the simplicity that my belief in him achieves, the sacrifice that he made on behalf of me, of my eternity. Learning to sing this song only confirmed what my heart knew, before it was taught,

that Jesus loves me.

It has been the song of my life.

Though I am no scholarly theologian, like Karl Barth, I would echo his response to the question to summarize his theology with :

“Jesus loves me, this I know.”

It was one of the first songs I taught to our children. As each one learned it, I would make a call to my grandmother, so that she could hear each one sing it to her. Though I am certain that they might have sung it in various church or camp related gatherings, I am also certain that it was rare, as other songs have taken it’s place.

but still, how does one replace the security and comfort of its message?

I recently saw those words, written on a screen, on a social media post … and the heart song began within.

Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to him belong,—
They are weak, but he is strong.

Jesus loves me he who died
heaven’s gate to open wide.
He will wash away my sin,
let his little child come in.

Jesus loves me, this I know,
as he loved so long ago,
taking children on his knee,
saying, “Let them come to me.”

Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so.

I sought out the words, to see their message and realized how very valuable they are in how we see and know truth, ourselves, as well as how we see our place in relationship with our Creator, with our Redeemer.

This song is a reminder of how very loved we are, not because of who we are or what we have done (or what we haven’t done) but because of whose we are and what he has done.

May this song play in our hearts today.

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O Jesus, Rise in Me

Posted in Faith, WONDER, tagged #abetterresurrection, #butbymyspiritsaysthelord, #christinarossetti, #hope, #lookintherightdirectionforhope, #norbypower, #notbymight, #ojesusriseinme, #whosaves on May 2, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Who saves us?

Who redeems us?

That ‘ol Sunday School answer, of Jesus, is, of course the answer. Yet … in all practicality, we often do not live as if that were true. We strive, and move and posture in such ways as to show far more reliance on self than on the Savior.

We often put our faith in us … in our prayers, our giving, our acts of kindness or hours spent doing the work of the church … but our actions offer little if they are what we are counting on to save us. They are little more than rituals, outward adornments to show the world the state of our souls.

Of course that summation is rather dismal, rather over-simplified.

A friend recently introduced me to a poem by Christina Rossetti that I had not remembered reading before, called A Better Resurrection :

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numb’d too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimm’d with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall—the sap of Spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perish’d thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

In reading this, one might read the mood of Rossetti to be terrible sad, even depressed. It is a lonely, meaningless, hopeless reading … at first glance. But, there is very much life as well and Rossetti is looking in the right direction for that life, that meaning, that purpose.

O Jesus, quicken me

O Jesus, rise in me

O Jesus, drink of me

There is constant acknowledgement of the human condition, of our helpless state … yet each verse returns to petition for life, meaning and hope from the only one who can provide. The resurrected one, who can resurrect you and me.

It it toward the end of the second verse, where I think true hope is expressed for our lives :

My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall—the sap of Spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

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Prayer for a New Day

Posted in life, Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #afreshstart, #anewday, #breathofgod, #iamalive, #praisegod, #prayer, #prayerforanewday on April 30, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear God,

Thank-you for breath today.

No matter what the day brings, if we have breath in our lungs, it is a reminder that you have purpose for us in this very day. Let us be mindful of each breath … inhale, long and slow then exhale the same … feel that breath move in and our of lungs … whisper, to remind oneself,

alive

No matter how yesterday ended … exhaustion, joy, mind-swirling, excited, sorrow-filled, joyful, meh … today is truly a brand new day. Though today is linked to yesterday, you give us the daily gift of new. The left-overs of yesterday’s blunders can be tempered by the freshness of a new day … with no mistakes in it yet (Anne of Green Gables). Today is the gift of a blank slate, a fresh start, an opportunity to change course.

God, remind us of your presence today.

We get so distracted by everything around us. Though we know that all that we have is from you, we forget you in our days. We think about what to eat, where to go … hum, I am reminded of the words of Matthew (6:25)

“… do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?”

His words say it. God, remind us as we walk through this day that our life is about more than just surviving. Remind us to give our needs to you. To look to you for our needs … for all of our needs.

Lord, we know that our days of life and breath are numbered, that no one escapes our mortality. May we truly live each day, blessed by your breath in our lungs, your Spirit in our souls. May we not come to the end of our day (our days) without praising you.

Amen

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
    Remind me that my days are numbered—
    how fleeting my life is.
You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
    My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
    at best, each of us is but a breath.”
Psalm 39:4-5

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how long, O Lord …

Posted in FAMILY, life, WONDER, tagged #chronsflare, #crohnsdisease, #howlongolord, #intheshadows, #nohope, Disappointments, Lament, Pain, Suffering on April 28, 2021| 4 Comments »

Let me preface today’s post by saying that it might be too dark, too filled with questions, too real for you today. Most days I keep my focus on wonder, on the light, on hope. But, let’s be real, life isn’t always that bright. Yes, I still believe that God has a plan. Yes, I still believe that good wins over evil. And, yes, I know that because of Christ, there is hope. But … I also know that sometimes our perspective of where we are is shadowy and requires a mournful lament of our helpless state.

So … stop reading now if (in the words of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men) “you can’t handle the truth”.

It happened again, like it has happened dozens of times in the past few years. One of our daughters had spent numerous hours in the ER, looking for answers, for relief from pain, for the assurance that it was just another flare and not a bowel obstruction or kidney stones or ulcers (just to name a few possibilities … avoiding the less appropriate for public discussion).

Again, it was just a flare … nothing serious.

Again, all they could do was offer IV fluids, pain relief (in the form of acetaminophen or opioids).

Again, they headed home, still in pain.

I didn’t hear about this, latest episode, until she was headed home ’cause … what can mom do anyway? why cause her to worry? Sometimes I hear about it before they go to the ER, looking for another to help them decide if it’s worth it to sit, in pain, in uncomfortable ER chairs, for hours (though they have discovered that vomiting in the waiting room is most efficient way to fast track themselves through the process of triage).

For one it took almost two years and the other four years before diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. But the pain began (for both) years before pursuit of origin of pain and eventual diagnosis (one of their diagnosis was delayed because the specialist didn’t look in the most common area affected by the disease, delaying her diagnosis by over a year).

SO many doctors, specialists, tests, procedures and even surgery to get to a diagnosis!

Crohn’s Disease is an auto-immune condition (their immune systems fight their own cells as though they were invading cells) where inflammation affects the intestines, causing ulcers to form, thickening of the intestines and scar tissue. This is the Coles/Cliffs notes description. Suffice it to say that it is (quite literally) a painful, stomach-churning, shitty disease.

It is said that about 1/5 people with Crohn’s disease have a family member with it … our family has 2/5.

Our girls have experienced the relief of human biologic medicines that have given both measured relief … temporarily. Steroids are another (short-term) option, but … sigh … anyone who knows steroids knows that sometimes the medicine is almost worse than the disease.

Both are now currently waiting for the next help … the next (short-term) miracle.

Speaking of miracles …

I believe in them. I believe in the miracle worker Himself. The one who formed these souls, so precious to this momma’s heart. Each of their existence alone are miracles. They were prayed for, prayed over, dedicated to God, from before either took their first breath (and one of them took her good ol’ time to take that first breath).

The other night, I reached my breaking point. After hearing about this latest episode, from my girl, sobbing in pain … again (after she left the hospital). I uttered words that I just never imagined coming from my lips …

I just don’t see any hope in this.

I am not one who feels they deserve better than others. Nor do I think that life is without pain, or struggle or difficulty. But … this is hard, really hard … not for me, but for them. Their struggle is one that touches every other part of their life … from work, to relationships, to physical stamina, to travel, to mental health, to future dreams.

A few days later, I am still struggling to find hope in this shitty mess.

This is me, being really real today … lamenting, like the Psalmist (13:1) who cried out “how long, O Lord …”

And I do believe that hope will resurface, somewhere, sometime, “in the shadows of disappointment and darkness” (Nouwen).

“Hope is not dependent on peace in the land, justice in the world, and success in the business. Hope is willing to leave unanswered questions unanswered and unknown futures unknown. Hope makes you see God’s guiding hand not only in the gentle and pleasant moments but also in the shadows of disappointment and darkness. No one can truly say with certainty where he or she will be ten or twenty years from now. You do not know if you will be free or in captivity, if you will be honored or despised, if you will have many friends or few, if you will be liked or rejected. But when you hold lightly these dreams and fears, you can be open to receive every day as a new day and to live your life as a unique expression of God’s love for humankind. There is an old expression that says, “As long as there is life there is hope.” As Christians we also say, “As long as there is hope there is life.”

Henri J.M. Nouwen, Turn My Mourning into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times

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A Lung-Cleansing Exhale

Posted in FAMILY, WONDER, tagged #alungcleansingexhale, #compromisedimmunesystems, #covid19, #covidvaccination, #pandemic, #protectothers, #soexcitedtogetvaccine, #thankfulfortheshot on April 25, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Today I will be getting my first vaccination for Covid and I feel a bit like a kid at Christmas.

I have been telling people the vaccination is my ticket to travel again … but you don’t have to think exotic places, for I just want to be able to fly to the other coast of Canada to see my family (especially my mom who has experienced this Covid year largely alone).

But, this vaccination is more than just that for me.

It is also an exhale from deep in my lungs … like I have been holding my breath for over a year, as we have two daughters with a chronic health disease that requires being on a medication that can lower the body’s ability to fight off an infection … aka a greater possibility of being extremely sick (or death) if they acquire Covid. Though we are cautious and following guidelines from public health, it has been a yearlong concern that we might acquire then pass the virus on to one of them.

This has been a constant concern for the past year.

Added to that have been the glib perspectives that I have had to encounter from those who feel the whole Covid thing is a world-wide government plot, or that it is “just like the flu”, or “enough already with the shutdowns and closures”.

Most of the time I file such perspectives as arrogant, thoughtless or simply idiotic … a couple of times my inner momma hen has verbally pecked the one whose words cut so close to this momma’s heart … most of the time, I just try to ignore and pray they don’t ever have to be in the position I am in, as a mom, feeling such concern for their own kids.

Each wave of Covid has literally felt like a punch to the gut, as I check in with them, ask about their job safety and find myself on my knees on their behalf.

So, today, I get to roll up my sleeve and I consider myself privileged, blessed, thankful. One step closer to being in a position where I will not share this virus with my girls (or anyone else).

And exhale from deep in my lungs.

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How you doin?

Posted in life, tagged #alternatenormal, #alwaysbeready, #howyoudoin, #pandemic, #pandemicyear, #sharethehope on April 23, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Though it was a pickup line by the character Joey, in the television show Friends, how you doin? is a most perfect question for these pandemic days.

We need to ask and be given space to share our experience of these days … the good, the bad and the ugly.

In the past year, I have had many experiences of asking this question to people, often inserting really into the question (how you really doin?) and it has been asked of me, as well. I think we all acknowledge (no matter our perspectives on the pandemic and how it is being handled, that we are living in a time of an alternate normal and that reality has to take a tole on us.

But, there is more.

These questions are opportunities to share the hope that God gives in our lives. Not a Pollyanna hope, sugar-coating our sorrow, struggle and confusion, but hope that exists in the midst of the struggle. A hope that exists while tears are falling down our cheeks. A hope that exists in the One that will never leave us … even when we are in the pits of sadness.

” … you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it.”
1 Peter 3:15

So, prepare for the question … how you doin? … and yes, share the dark and twisty times you might be going through, but share the hope of Christ in your life as well. For the world around us needs to know of Him and of the peace that He brings.

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Earliest Memory

Posted in Walking with God, WONDER, tagged #countyourblessings, #earliestmemory, #rememberingchildhood, #rememberinggodsfaithfulness on April 20, 2021| Leave a Comment »

What’s your earliest memory?

Maybe there is more than one? Maybe they blend together? Maybe they are incomplete? Maybe it isn’t a memory so much as a feeling?

I have a memory from my childhood. It is late spring or early summer. The sun high in the sky, causing my squinty eyes to squint even more. I can recall it’s warmth on my skin, not enough to sweat, but feel comfortably warm. I remember holding the hands of my parents, me in the middle … where every child aims to be. We are walking through a path or trail with trees on either side. I remember feeling, not just the warmth of the sun on my skin, but also the warmth of love, connection, safety.

And that is all I remember.

It is a happy memory.

We all have memories from our childhood. Ones that make us feel good things and ones that leave us feeling the trauma of that moment. Sometimes we can identify the origins of our feelings, but not always. Sometimes it is smells or sounds that awaken our memories of years ago. Sometimes, our memories aren’t accurate at all and what we think we remember may not have even happened.

The Psalmist has said, (9:1), “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.”

Have you ever done that? Recounted the wonderful deeds of God in your life … ?

Ever looked back for times when you know that God stood in the gap for you? That something in your occurred and you know, without a doubt, that he worked things for you? That he did a miracle? That he filled you with joy?

Try it. Really! Try it.

You might remember something that has been forgotten, some evidence of God in your life that you need to remember now.

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