Marriage | itsawonderfilledlife

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

A Letter to My Kids on Dating

Posted in WONDER, tagged #alettertomykidsondating, #courtship, dating, Love, Marriage, Teens on September 30, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Good morning to my greatest works!
of art, of creativity, of heart, soul, mind and breath.

The other day, one of you asked what was my favorite age of you three. That was an easy question to answer! I love the stage each of you is at today.

Another of you asked me to read an article about courting and dating and then asked me to tell you what I thought. That was not an easy question to answer.

When each of you was born, I contemplated the wisdom of pre-arranged marriages … I was so fearful that you, lacking in life experience, would make a wrong and disastrous choice.

Now, after twenty-five years of marriage, and nearly as many years as a parent, I am seeing things differently.

I no longer see myself as the better judge of your future spouse. You see, I am wholly and completely human … sin-filled, flawed, and my preferences as changing as the wind (as if my moving of plants in our garden does not confirm that reality).

The only area where I have an advantage is life experience, and age is no guarantee that I would not make mistakes.

Now, let me tell you about dating, the mom version …

As a teen, I did what everyone else was doing, in regards to dating. ‘Normal’ was to date, exclusively, to be as physical as possible without ‘it’ happening. To date meant trying someone out, until it fizzled. Heartbreak ensued. Then we (I) would move on to the next experimental guinea pig. And the cycle continued.

All of this happening as our minds and bodies were developing, our education being pursued, our futures dreamed, and our dear friendships taken too much for granted.

Marriage was still the aimed for end result, but exclusive relationships, one after another, resulted in many heartbreaks.

Suffice it to say that my own high school dating experience is foundational in the ‘motivational’ offer by your dad and I, of a car after high school, if you choose to not date until after graduating high school.

As a parent, I feel I have gone through a few paradigm shifts.
-I have appreciated the courtship model (loosely)
-I have discouraged dating
-I have even encouraged you to not expect marriage as a sure thing for your future

At this juncture, as I look at my parents, and I am thankful for something they did.

I am thankful that they let me make my own choices and mistakes. They entrusted me to make my own mistakes and good choices. And I am thankful for that.

What I hope that we, as parents, have done is give you all of the foundational love and instruction you will need to make the important choices in your life, regarding dating

I hope we have taught you all:

to love yourselves
to love and respect others
to respect your heart, mind and body
to not ‘settle’
to not say ‘I love you’, just because someone tells you they love you
seek Gods will for your individual life, before seeking a life with another
consider who you date as whether they are marriable
to not look for the perfect person … there is no perfect person, not even the one in the mirror

I hope that God is number one in your life, and I hope you only choose to date people who think the same. Know that there is more to being ‘evenly yoked‘ than just being married to a Christ follower. Christians come in many different experiences of Gods spirit … if you are charismatic in your beliefs and expressions, a lover of liturgy, robes and choral music could make church and family-related choices, in the future, almost as painful as being with one who doesn’t love God at all.

My grown and growing kids,

these things you NEED to know, about dating (and life) …
You’re gonna make mistakes,
have your heart broken,
and wonder (years, weeks, minutes) in your marriage if you made a mistake.

And there is no formula or guarantee that will ensure that you got it right.

I wish that your dad and I could be a better example of perfect, like Christ and the church, sort of love …
But wait, that is the model we have given, because we as husband and wife are like the church …
We are sin filled, flawed, selfish
We mess up, we want to leave, we hurt each other

And here we are, still, 25 years into the adventure

We are still as messed up as we were as single individuals,
but aiming for the same grand finale … NOT on Earth, but in heaven.

And that’s it.

No, that’s not it …

And we will be praying for you until our last breath.

Love,

Mom

“If love is what you’re looking for
The old roads lead to an open door
And you’ll find your way”
Andrew Peterson

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What Women Want … the Finale

Posted in life, Love, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged #whatwomenwant, Life, Marriage, Men, Women on July 15, 2014| 2 Comments »

Well this has been more difficult than I had counted on, when I first embarked on a five part series called ‘what women want’. So … if I, as a woman, struggle to know what it is that women desire most, maybe it is unfair to expect that mere men would know what we want.

To recap my five part series, what women want is …

– to be known

– to be pursued

– to be loved … and told so

– walk in my shoes … to be understood

– forever … happily ever after

Really aren’t all of those things desired, yearned for, wanted by men as well? Although it might be easy to write off all males in the stereotype of all they want is sex (and there are a few who fit that box … as there are women, who also fit into that box). I believe that the majority of men do want what women want.

For anyone, to be known (as in knowing HIS most desired success, or knowing HER greatest fear) is something that can only come from being a student of that person. To be truly known does not happen because a person ‘advertises’ his or her deepest desires, it is instead, the one person studying the other so consciously that they can know intimacy with the other.

To be pursued, although I do believe that men are more naturally the ‘pursuer’, is something that both sexes respond positively to. Ladies, send your guy a suggestive text message, one day he is out (at work, at ‘the game’, at a meeting, with the guys), and just see how well he responds to being pursued … just sayin’!

I love you is a non-gender-specific phrase! It can be said by both women AND men. Now, I expect it might be ‘easier’ for women to say (maybe because we often ‘give’ to others what we desire to receive) … but guys, we need to hear it! And ladies, you are so not on easy street yet … try a new variation of ‘I love you’ to your sweetie … try saying ‘I so respect you when/for/because …’ For a man to hear that he is respected, is probably the equivalent to a women hearing ‘I love you when/for/because …’

So her shoes have pointy toes, and high heels (which you guys so love I’ve heard, because of how it makes the female leg look) … walk in those pretty babies … So his shoes … STINK … ladies, you will never fully understand why they are in the shape they are, if you don’t get to know how your own feet feel in them! Really ladies, that sullen, wordless, grumpy, male that walks in your door tonight might have had struggles and problems (or maybe he’s happy … TOO HAPPY for you at that moment … maybe he’s experienced the greatest successes, passed the greatest tests) that he will never open up and tell you like YOUR girlfriend would. If you don’t know the details (and oh, how we women love the details) of why he is the way he is, try to understand how you might want to be received if you’ve had ‘a day’. Put those over-sized, smelly shoes on your feet, and start sharing his burdens and joys.

Happily ever after … nope, I’ve never heard a male EVER say, hint or insinuate that he desired that! But the security of a mutually beneficial, mutually loving, mutually cared for relationship … where HE can be the HERO, the STUD MUFFIN, the MAN … now that is something a man could want. But for him to be all of that means that … we (gulp) women need to make sure he is feeling like ‘the MAN’ … and that responsibility, ladies, is on our shoulders. Sure we appreciate what our guys do for us … but do we tell them? Do we sing their praises? Do we pump up their egos? Ladies, if we want happily ever after, we need to communicate that forever with us is not a life sentence, but a lifetime achievement award … and that winning it requires the concerted efforts of two!

And that is really what it comes down to … two very different (often very opposite) individuals, who express themselves, and their needs in very different languages trying to find a place, somewhere in the middle, where both persons needs and wants and desires can all be met. It is a juggling act … and one that (from my pointy-toed shoes) seems to be an awful lot of effort, with no guarantees of success. But, I am confident that when the efforts are coming from both side, eventually they meet somewhere in the middle. And a brand new (often far better than ever dreamed or imagined) entity is formed … and it is good!

And that is what women AND men want …

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What Women Want – Part 5 of 5

Posted in Love, WONDER, tagged #happilyeverafter, #thenotebook, #whatwomenwant, Forever, Life, Marriage, Men, Women on July 11, 2014| 8 Comments »

Happily Ever After …

That is what women want.

There is an image (just to the left) that is so representative of that to me. When hubby and I were planning our wedding, we would dream of the future (how is it that it is so easy to dream of the future before you are married, and so easy to dream of the past after you are married?). One of the ways we would speak of the future was when we would talk about many, many years off into the future, when we would sit in our rocking chairs on our front porch … and just sit … and rock … together.

It was the sweetest dream. It was OUR dream, and one that spoke of commitment, of a future of forever together. It said, of both of us, ‘I’ll be here forever,’ and ‘I’ll never leave you.’

Although it might drive young single men nuts, though it might go against our human natures, the stability of forever is what women want. But I’m not talking a ‘life sentence’, I am talking happily ever after.

If there is a ‘face’ of romantic … it’s a female face. I believe it is partly in our nature, but nurture does add to it, as well. We females are ‘fed’ romance and forever, from a young age. But, really, we can’t just blame Disney for force-feeding it to us. Reality is, Disney wouldn’t have made money off of their Princesses, if their customers were not willing to pay for it. And the reason their customers are willing to pay for it? We want it! And we want it, because somewhere, within our DNA we WANT ‘happily ever after. Heck, the picture to the right from the Cinderella book version I grew up with. And that picture, not the ones of her wedding, not the ones of her dancing at the ball, but this last picture in the book, under which, the only words written were “… and they lived Happily Ever After,” was my childhood dream.

That dream was about forever, but it was more. It was the dream the love does not fade, or disappear, or die. It was the dream that the ‘prince’ who would earn my heart … would never break it. And, I don’t think I am just speaking for me, but for all women, when I say our greatest fear is that we will have been wrong, and we will have given parts of ourselves away to one not committed to forever.

Recently, I read these words of a heartbroken, hope vanished, dream stolen woman …

“You broke my heart,

but even worse than that

your actions blew out the last light of hope

for a girls dream of happily ever after.”

She was in mourning. In mourning for the future, that she had dreamed of all her life, of the future that her parents had dreamed for her, of the future that even God dreamed for her. She could, eventually, forgive the one who had blown out the candle of her dreams, and hopes, but the scars left behind would never allow her to forget. Forget the hurt, forget the loss. She would never hear of a 50th, or 60th wedding anniversary and not feel the tugs on her heart, that she would never see, and experience in the joy of such a celebration.

In the safety of forever, women can give wholly of themselves to another. In the security of forever, women can be confident of today, and tomorrow. In the permanence of forever, women are never alone. In the intimacy of forever, women can continue to dream. In forever love, we can do anything we want it to … even create miracles.

Women want forever … happily ever after …

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What Women Want – Part 4 of 5

Posted in Marriage, WONDER, tagged #walkamileinmyshoes, #whatwomenwant, Marriage, Men, Women on July 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Women and footwear … they go together like peanut butter and jam! Of course some of us have far more footwear than others. I wonder if skinny women have less footwear? I mean, when I am shopping, but having a ‘fat’ day, I buy shoes … they always fit! But, I digress …

Our footwear tells us so much about ourselves … not the pretty top part of our shoes, but the soles. The pretty part, on top (and I have to say that even my Nike running shoes … that never get to run … are quite beautiful to my eyes, because of the miles of walking and meditating that they represent) is all about the looks, the appearance, the ‘outer’ part. But it is the soles that reveal where we have been, the miles of effort, the wear and tear of life.

There are guy shoes, and girl shoes.

I don’t know about you, but one thing that is not appealing to me is wearing the footwear of someone else. This is ‘not right’ to me, next to using the toothbrush of someone else. And so, for me, to walked a mile in the moccasins of another person is not an easy, or natural action.

But folks, it’s time to do some shoe exchanging, in the quest for what women want!

Three years ago the latest Royal Wedding occurred, full of pomp and splendor. It was a highly anticipated event, with the world watching, as a young couple declared their vows … to love, comfort, honor and keep in sickness and in health.

Man, did I not know what I was vowing, many years ago, when I promised those same things. When my hubby is bent over the porcelain god, and the entire house reverberates with his moans, screeches and other … noises, putting myself in his shoes is not my first response! My first response is to shut the door to the bathroom (after throwing a towel at him … from afar), and hide my head under my pillow, to muffle his ghastly noises. But, I digress … again.

One of the best ‘mistakes’ my husband ever did, when our kids were younger, was to ask me what I wanted for my birthday (for a man to ask this, is similar to a man asking for directions, asking for help …). I told him … ‘an entire day to myself’, and that is what I got. I awoke before anyone else (that was very early, because the kids were very young), dressed, and left … and didn’t return again until I was certain that the kids were asleep that night. It was a beautiful thing! I shopped, I had coffee, I walked, I read … I did only what I wanted to do.

The ‘mistake’ of it was that I loved it so much, I did it again at Mother’s Day, and then started doing it once a season. But, it wasn’t just me going that was beneficial, it was hubby staying. While I was off having fun, he was home, walking in my moccasins. He changed diapers, wiped noses, refereed fights, read stories, made meals (NOT! But he did take them out to McDonalds, or for pizza) … he walked where few MEN have walked before … in his wife’s shoes!

What do women want? We want to know, that our husband, our significant ‘other’, can understand what demands are on her day. We want to know that he is really ‘getting it’ when we are frustrated, or sad, or happy, or crying (because we are frustrated, sad, or happy … or all three). We want to know that he ‘gets it’ in regards to what we do, everyday, for others. Not because it is in our job (that we get paid for) description, but because it is in our nature to nurture and give to others … and, sometimes that leaves us on empty, with no refill in sight.

“Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes”

Elvis Presley “Walk a Mile in My Shoes”

What Women Want Part 5 of 5

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What Women Want – Part 3 of 5

Posted in Love, Marriage, WONDER, tagged #whatwomenwant, Love, Marriage, Men, Women on July 9, 2014| Leave a Comment »

There are so many ways to say, I love you. So many opportunities to say, I love you. There are verbal and non-verbal ways to communicate … I love you.

The way you communicate ‘I love you’ is not so important, as long as the woman you are communicating it to ‘hears’ what you are communicating. For Buttercup, ‘as you wish’, were just the appropriate words of her Farm Boy, Wesley … until she realized that when he said those words with his mouth, his heart was saying ‘I love you’. Until she ‘heard’ his heart, he was her servant. Once she ‘heard’ his heart, her heart began to beat differently, more intentionally … she began to feel love for Wesley as well, and he was no longer just her farm boy.

That’s kind of like marriage, in reverse. In the beginning, ‘I love you’ is communicated openly, freely, regularly. It is heard from both sides, and you see each other as friend, confidant and lover. Over time, the two parties ‘forget’ to communicate with their hearts, and the person to whom they are most affectionate, becomes ‘my spouse’. And even when the words ‘I love you’ are spoken, they no longer dance in our ears, and in our hearts, as an earthly gift of wonder.

It reminds me of the story of the man, who, after many years of marriage, was asked by his wife ‘why don’t you say I love you anymore?’ To which he replied, ‘I said I love you once, and if it ever changes I’ll let you know’? This, I can assure you, is NOT what women want!

Women NEED to have ‘I love you’, communicated to them. It is the emotional equivalent to our physical need of water (I might add hugs too). It is the last words I say to my parents when we say good-bye on the phone, it is the last words I say when I am tucking my kids in at night. If I could hope for three last words to hear, before I leave this earth, from someone whose mouth they are safe in, it would be ‘I love you’.

When speaking of, not just what a woman wants, but also her needs, I love you is even Biblical!

“Husbands, love your wives,

just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

and to present her to himself as a radiant church,

without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:25-27

Hum, last line makes me wonder … if, as women, we get wrinkles and blemishes is it because our hubby hasn’t loved us enough? Just a thought to ponder … I cannot quite see a group of theologians sitting around a table discussing this, but, heck, maybe they should! Maybe we wives get old-looking because we have not be cleansed by hubby’s love, and washed by his affections (I never had wrinkles before I got married … of course I was only 20, when I did get married). And, lets face it that whole cleansing and washing has a delightfully erotic sound to it … but, I DEFINITELY digress!

It is a husbands duty to love his wife. And this love is not some light-weight love, like “I love coffee”, or “I love my dog”, or “I love the Leafs” (not necessarily me, but someone in my home), or “I love the sunshine” (more sincere words have never been spoken, by these lips). No, this love is compared to how Christ loves the church, and gave himself up for her … you know, on the cross … Christ died for the church that He loves so much.

Women need that kind of love. Often women ‘hear’ love in a man’s words and actions when we feel that he would love us enough to die for us. We may not know that is what we ‘hear’ through his communications, but our hearts, our souls hear it loud and clear (and sometimes, mistakenly) … because that is what we are created to seek … a man who would love us, even to the point of death.

Now, I am not calling all men to go our and slay dragons, and risk their physical lives for the sake of the love of their lady. I’m just saying, MEN, LOVE YOUR WIVES … IT WON’T KILL YOU TO COMMUNICATE THAT LOVE TO HER. (although some men might think that it will). But, it is risky … communicating love to a woman. She might reject your words, she might reject your actions, and she might do this ‘rejecting’ because she is hurt for the ‘no, I love yous’ diet you’ve had her on! Love is risky, but it is so worth it!

Love is the most wonderful of all all wonders we humans get to experience in this life. It is the essence of life, itself. It is what makes the world go round. If a man risks communicating I love you (even through ‘carrots’), he might even have that love returned. And, it is what women want … the most.

What Women Want Part 4 of 5

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What Women Want – Part 2 of 5

Posted in Love, Marriage, WONDER, tagged #thechase, #whatwomenwant, Marriage, Men, Women on July 8, 2014| 3 Comments »

So, now part 2 … this is not as easy as I had thought it would be … maybe because what women want is NOT easy.

There is so much that can be written about our human, female nature. The shrinks have spent forever analyzing women … as if there is one description for what is a woman … let alone what she wants!

Although there is no ‘one’ woman, there are traditional stereotypes.

So, lets talk stereotypes. Men, by nature, love the thrill of the chase … probably goes back to the days of the ‘hunter’. They chase, they pursue, they convince, they manipulate, (lie, beg and steal) to get what they want … woman. This is natural! And it is a good thing too, because it is natural for women to run … away! The whole point of the chasing, though, is that, eventually, the man catches woman (and guys, I’ve gotta be honest with you, if you catch us, it is because we wanted you to catch us …).

Then, after man catches woman, he is feeling like a comic book hero, he’s top of the world. He’s had a goal, poured out his blood, sweat and tears, and now, he’s …’the man’. All because he got his his prey, his prize, HIS … ‘woman’. The winning of this prize, after the chase, the wooing, the effort, the constant planning and thinking of ways to achieve his goal, is the fulfillment of his life’s purpose. It is the fulfillment of all that he was created, body, mind and soul, to do! Truly it is the ultimate ‘amazing race’, of life!

And, for the woman, after running so hard, to avoid being caught, she finally wins, as well. For she was desired, she was wanted, she was pursued, and she was fought for. And now, the valiant, deserving warrior has proven, through his perseverance to catch her, that he would do whatever it takes to get her. To her, he has proven that he will go to the ends of the earth to win her … that he will make the ‘effort’ to win her. That he will ALWAYS make the effort to win her. And, like a lamb to the slaughter, she goes with him willingly, because she trusts the evidence of her warriors actions.

And they all live happily ever after …

Ya right! But I’m talking real people, with skin on, not a comic book hero with a writer and an illustrator (who can eraser cellulite with the flick of his eraser, and can make the hero … a hero, at all times).

Sadly, life does not naturally become happily ever after, after that amazing race. Once man has caught his woman, and the woman has allowed her man to catch her, they forget about race. Their new race becomes ‘the rat race’, and what is ‘captured’ here is far less satisfying.

So, what do women want?

Do they want to be chased down, like a wild animal running for it’s life?

Well … yes.

Do women want to be to be coaxed and wooed?

Well … yes.

Do women want a man who makes efforts to get her attention?

Well … yes.

Do women want a man who is constantly planning (okay, even once in a while, planning … and I don’t mean planning for retirement) and thinking of ways to catch her?

Well … yes.

For the woman (and I cannot speak for the man), the race is never over. The chasing, the coaxing and wooing, the evidence of efforts made, the planning and thinking of ways for the man to catch her … a woman wants this … for all of her life! And when her man, ‘the man’ fails to continue the chase, there are undesirable results, undesirable consequences.

One consequence is so sad, so damaging (so preventable) … she responds to the chase of another man.

Another consequence is also sad, and damaging (and preventable) … she becomes the ‘chaser’. And she chases their children, and she chases her career, and she chases ‘things’, and she chases other men.

Another result is equally sad, equally damaging (so preventable) … she looses all hope for the future, and gives up. It is then that she begins to do what she was NOT created to do … she just survives.

Now, men out there (if there are any male readers), I’m not saying that it is all your fault. But I am trying to answer the question, what do WOMEN want. And, let’s face it, that original race, the basis and foundation of your relationship with your woman, was initiated by … YOU! YOU set the standard, YOU set the expectations, YOU sold your lady something …

… is the product what you advertised?

If that lifetime guarantee seems to be null and void, it can resemble more of a life sentence (for both of you).

So, in my humble opinion, women want to be pursued, fought for and, through the perseverance of her mighty warrior, captured … regularly!

“I have fought well.

I have finished the race,

and I have been faithful.”

2 Timothy 4:7

What Women Want Part 3 of 5

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Hopes and Dreams

Posted in WONDER, tagged #bella, #hopesanddreams, #waitonme, Marriage, Purpose on May 25, 2014| 3 Comments »

I have something to admit …

please don’t read this wrong,

please don’t read into this,

just be patient,

and I’ll explain it fully …

So, here is my admission …

I do not wish for my kids to get married.

(did I just hear music from the movie Psycho?)

Now, here is the explanation …

I am happily married,

I am glad that I married,

I am committed to my marriage,

but I do not believe that one has to be married to be

happy,

joyful,

fulfilled,

or live a life with purpose.

Purpose comes from the one who gave us breath,

gave us life.

And anything that comes after Him

is simply EXTRA icing on the cake of life.

I hope for the ‘princesses’ (and prince) in our home to hold on to the encouragement of the letter below :

Now, all that said, I do dream that if they marry, one day, it might be to someone who is already dreaming of them.

(music from Psycho yet again)

This guest post is a video (below), and it is directed towards females, though, I hope the same of my son, and for my son. I hope that if my three marry, they would marry someone who has been loving them, anticipating their entry into his or her life from before they met. To love from the position of knowing that God is the Lord of perfect timings, and IF marriage is something in their future lives, that the primary qualifier is a mutual trust in God.

And, if marriage is not in their future, that their future can still be perfect, because every moment, of every day, is still in the hands of God.

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Family is a Microcosm of Society

Posted in WONDER, tagged #familyisamicrocosmofsociety, #irreplaceable, Divorce, Marriage on May 2, 2014| 5 Comments »

There was a moment this school year, while sitting across the table from a student, when I heard the words that I hear at least once every year, the words which tear at my heart and my soul,

“my parents are divorced, and that makes me very sad.”

How am I supposed to assist with math, or language or science or any other subject, when their very own history has been altered …

and they know it!

Every year that I have worked in schools, I have encountered similar disclosures, similar expressions of loss and sadness … and I come away from those conversations determined to stay married, even when it’s difficult … and some days,

it’s difficult.

I heard it once, and shared it many more times that,

when I cannot love my husband

I choose to love the father of my children.

I heard of a movie releasing (in the US) next week. The movie is called

Irreplaceable

and it is a documentary that asks “What is family?” and “Does ‘family’ still matter in today’s society?” Questions that we need answers to, in this world where marriage is constantly being re-defined as well as devalued.

Many sociologists believe that the family is a microcosm of society, that if the family unit is healthy, respected, respectful, and if the vows of the wedding day are honored … society too will be healthy, respected, respectful, and promises will be honored.

I am not totally sure what the movie, Irreplaceable, will reveal, but I’m going to be so bold as to state my own opinion …

the institution of marriage (and, conversely, family) is in deep trouble for one reason, and one alone,

our promises to love, to honor, to respect each other, and to do it all ’til death do us part,

have failed.

As individuals, and as a society,

we do not value or keep promises

we do not honor the life others

we do not respect others as children of God

we do not love, as Christ loved.

Check out the trailer!

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Alone Together

Posted in WONDER, tagged #alonetogether, #emptynesters, #jimelliot, Marriage, midlife on March 31, 2014| 1 Comment »

It was difficult to not stare.

He and she,

sitting across from each other at the restaurant table.

She looking straight ahead, but eyes focused to his left and beyond him.

He looking straight ahead, but eyes focused to her left and beyond her.

It was as though they were complete strangers.

alone together

She and he

both looked to be in their sixties.

He looked rugged, like a cowboy, the Marlboro Man personified.

She was impeccably dressed, her hair and make-up perfectly arranged, as though she never had a bad hair day.

Their matching wedding rings told me that they were together,

though alone in that togetherness.

alone together

I have been noticing,

no studying,

couples who would appear to be in the next phase of life from where I am,

from where hubby and I are currently.

When I see a couple who look to be of the age of empty-nesters,

I have to work hard to not stare.

You see I am studying with purpose,

because in the blink of an eye I, we will be there,

and I need to have an idea of what is to come,

of what I need to prepare for,

of where to set our plum line for the future to come.

And, what I saw in that restaurant,

in the staring off glances of the Marlboro man and his impeccably dressed Mrs,

was a couple who was

alone together.

Sure they shared a table, and he paid the bill, but that is where their ‘together’ ended.

I’ve been thinking about them ever since, wondering what they looked like sitting at a restaurant table when

they had teenagers with them,

or chatty kids,

or tough to sit still preschoolers.

Did they have something to talk about when they were

celebrating a birthday,

an anniversary,

or after just finding out that they would be parents in a few months?

Did they look off into the distance when they were

first married,

or dating?

When did together start to be alone? When did alone accompany them together?

More importantly,

how do those of us, not yet there, prevent being

alone together

in our futures?

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Wanna be Happy? Don’t Get Married

Posted in WONDER, tagged #bobfriesen, #converge, #dontexpectmarriagetomakeyouhappier, #dontgetmarried, #wannabehappy, Marriage on March 16, 2014| Leave a Comment »

They say, don’t read a book by it’s cover, but lets face it, sometimes a cover, or a title is so captivating that you just have to pick it up!

From the blog Converge, you will find a post written by Bob Friesen, called “Don’t Expect Marriage to Make you Happier.” Can we get more captivating than that?

The reflections in this post, I am confident, will ring true to anyone who has ever been married. For those who have not, it could alter your future … if you can read it with eyes wide open. Sometimes our eyes remain shut … or rose-colored, until they are forced opened by the realities around us.

Enjoy this post, by Bob Friesen, my guest post.

marriage-thoughts

“For all you singles out there, if you think marriage will solve your problems, and that you’ll finally be complete once you tie the knot, I’m here to say this: think again.

I have been married 14 years. And here is my story.

I was a miserable single person, and I thought marriage would fix it all. I was 29 when I got married, and I had a fantasy that marriage would cure all my single issues. Wrong. If you want to find out how selfish you are, get married.

Six years ago, I learned what commitment meant. The wheels came off my marriage, and my wife and I nearly split. Why? We had multiple traumas and stressors that taxed us to the max.

Three family members died within a two year span. I lost my job after nine years with the company I had poured my life into. My wife was on long term disability due to post traumatic syndrome, and then I ended up on short term disability for stress that was ready to take my life. Our dog died at age 13, and he had been with us almost our entire married life. Financially we had become so strapped that we carried even more stress in the marriage due to our heavy debt load.

Where was God in all this? Life felt like Job’s. I could go on and on and on about the many other stressors that plagued our lives; I was so pushed into a sea of pain I wanted out. Death looked appealing; many times I fought suicidal thoughts.

And to make matters worse, all around me I saw couples enjoying success and trips and healthy incomes. How is it possible that a couple can take on enough battles for six marriages? It doesn’t even out. Life is no respecter of persons. I am 47 and I feel like I have lived two lifetimes already. My poor 43-year-old wife has lived 10 lives.

But we’ve survived, and it’s a miracle. Even as I write this we are both reeling from so much pain that at times I am unsure how we made it this far.

A lot of Christian counselling saved us. Tons of prayers saved us — prayers sent up to our Father by our loved ones and close circle of friends. We wept a lot. We fought a lot. We wrestled with God a lot. We had to take breaks from each other, even up to two weeks apart. We had to re-negotiate our marriage. We aren’t the same people today as when we wed that summer day; our eyes aren’t all glazed over with lovey-dovey emotions.

My wife and I continue to make a conscious choice to remain intact. When everything was coming apart, we did what was necessary to ensure those vows would stick.

I’ve seen a lot of tough years, and I know one thing: marriage is not the ticket to completing your life. You will have a much better marriage if, as a single person, you are already whole and content.

So instead of rushing to the altar to fulfill a Hollywood fantasy, or wanting to take care of those raging hormones, I’m here to tell you to take a chill pill. Ask yourself, “What do I need to work on before I get married?” Also consider asking questions like, “What might harm my future marriage?” Getting hitched is not the end-all, be-all to all of your troubles and misery. You can’t get married and expect it to make you happy.

Is marriage worth it, even though you can expect a lot of trials? Absolutely. But don’t fool yourself in thinking that it’s easy. Being married will stretch you beyond your wildest imagination. Think through now what your vows will mean on that day when all is well and you can only see the good times ahead. Make sure you sign up for “in sickness and in health” part. If you don’t, you’re in for an ugly surprise.”

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