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Posts Tagged ‘#pityparty’

Can you name something you really want?

I am not talking peace on Earth, or for the males in your house to put the toilet seat down, or to win the lottery. I am talking about wanting something so badly, that your heart aches for it.

In my life, there have been few times when I truly wanted something that badly.

There was that day, late in spring, when hubby and I were discussing how we might spend vacation. For the past five to six years, our family (or parts of it) spent a week on the Oregon Coast, being nurtured physically, spiritually and relationally at a Christian convention center (check out http://www.cbcc.net). For me, this place has been my place of rest and renewal.

But, this year we would not be attending.

Sometimes we do not know what we want, until it is out of our grasp.

As the final decision to not go was made, tears began to fall, uncontrollably, from my eyes. As a matter of fact, whenever our ‘Cannon Beach’ friends asked if we would be there, a hard mass settled in my throat. Whenever emails from ‘there’ were in my email inbox, I would delete before I had to face pictures of the beach. Then the week when we normally would have been there … well, lets just say I did get my fair share of salt water (tears).

There was not a day this summer when I did not pray that God would make a way for us (or at least me 😉 ) to go.

Never in my life had a thing or place been so desired.

Things kind of bottomed out at the very end of summer, when hubby left for his third trip to the East Coast (our native land). I remember driving home, after dropping him off at the airport, and I had my getting real with God monologue (what a gentleman He is, to quietly put up with my pity party). I cannot remember all that I said, but the words “it’s not fair that he gets three trips” do still ring in my head.

After that very real confessional, I had finally let my desires go. And I awoke the next morning, still disappointed, but finally able to let it go.

About a week ago hubby had to call the conference center office on another matter. Out of the blue, the person on the other end asked, “you’re a pastor, aren’t you?”

To make a long story short, they have rooms available to pastors, on the off season … for free. To shorten it more, this past Monday hubby called (as soon as they opened) to reserve three nights. It also happens that we could do it without my having to takes unpaid days off.

I am delighted!

And I am cognizant of the fact that this provision was not something that just happened, but that every detail, down to the timing, was orchestrated by a God who cares about the desires of our heart.

I love Psalm 13. It is not a joy-filled psalm, but a lament … kinda like my getting real with God monologue. The Psalmist is feeling forgotten, ignored, and is throwing his very own pity party

… who cannot relate to hosting such an event?

Unlike myself, when the psalmist, David, comes to the end of his rant, he seems to take a humble posture, committing his trust in the mercy of God, thanking Him, ahead of time, for how bountifully God has/will deal with him.

And that is faith in the unseen, in the things to come.

“I will sing to the Lord,
for he has dealt bountifully with me!”
Psalm 13:6b

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There I was, just hours away from turning (gulp) thirty-nine with six years experience (OK! I was turning 45!),

and I was not feeling the love.images-2

Hubby and I had just had one of those knock-down, drag-out fights that NO happily married couple would ever admit to having participated in … publicly.

My parents, in fair health, and only in their late sixties, and just seventy had declared that NOPE, they were done traveling, no need to prepare a room for them … I would need to go to them.

So I did what any other hormonal woman (do we women ever grow out of hormonal?) in my shoes would do …

I declared to the trees, and the squirrels, and the birds, and any other creature that was listening (oh, please tell me that no neighbors were listening), that I was unloved, and that there was simply no person on this planet who was willing to sacrifice for me.

Lets face it, what I was doing was holding my very own pity party, and it was not pretty!

Between self pity and sobs I kept hearing in my head :

“Lift your eyes up”

And so, I did, to the sun pouring through the trees in my private cathedral sanctuary.

Then, words came pouring in, like the light through the trees :

“I lift my eyes up … to the mountains”

Hum, no mountains in view, but towering cedars straight ahead.

“Where does my help come from?”

Now, that’s a question that resonated in my self pitying heart and soul!

“My help, it comes from the Lord

the Maker of heaven and earth”

Ah, so this is the benefit of having committed scripture to memory! Once learned it is there forever, ready at a tears notice to flood our minds with encouragement, with truth, with promises.

The pity party did not end immediately, but my need to uncover why that specific verse came to mind, when it did, diverted my attention away from my poor-me attitude.

And that is what this season of Lent is about …

taking our eyes off of our own desires, our own wants, our own sacrifices …

and lifting them to our help

our maker of heaven and earth.

The One who was born, was conceived to sacrifice for us … for all of us.

Our eyes need to keep focus on that which is, on who is

higher, bigger, greater

that ourselves.

My pity party was coming to a close.

My eyes, no longer blinded by tears of self pity, were seeing clearly who my help is … no doubt about it!

Lent is about the One who sacrificed His all, for us all.

 

 

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