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Something is Not Right

Posted in FAMILY, GOD, life, WONDER, tagged ALS, Deteriorating Vertebrea, Keeping it all Inside, Prayer Request, Something is not Right on November 23, 2011| 6 Comments »

For some, to initiate conversations about our pain, or sufferings, or struggles is not a comfortable thing. I suppose it is mostly due to pride and, for some, being introverted. I often refer to this discomfort as not wanting to ‘bleed’ publicly. I am certain that, like me, there are others (maybe even most people) out there who hold their heartaches inside just waiting for someone else to ask the right question, or to ‘guess’ our situation.

Since the middle of August, when I went to the East coast to visit my parents, my dad’s physical health has been deteriorating rapidly. My thoughts as we parted when I was returning to the west, were like the words of Ludwig Bemelmans, in his classic children story Madeline, “something is not right.”

When I left the East, Dad was having episodes where his leg would buckle under him, with no forewarning, and no reason for it. Now, only three months later, he no longer drives his car, he uses a walker, and cannot stand to make biscuits (see biscuits).

It has been a frightening time of appointments, tests, and waiting. There have been appointments with his GP and two neurologists, blood work that made him wonder if a transfusion might be needed, and two MRI’s. All of this with only one hint of what the doctors were considering as a possibility for his symptoms … ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease, the disease that was focused on in the non-fiction book and then movie Tuesdays with Morrie). ALS is a terminal disease, it is a death sentence (and one that you would not hope on anyone).

All of this, and here I live, over four thousand miles, and no less than six hours of flying (that is a very conservative estimate, since there are no direct flights) twiddling my thumbs … and praying.

Our family has been blessed to have many people praying, and I believe that it is through these prayers that we have endured the waiting, and that the waiting has not been as long as it could have been (first estimates were that his MRI could be as late at January). I know that I have felt upheld by the prayers of many people, as well as cards, emails and individuals who have taken the time to ask.

Last week was our ‘D-Day’. It was the day a diagnosis might be made, and one of the longest mornings of my life. Finally I got the text, followed by a call for the details. It was not ALS! The problem was rapidly deteriorating vertebrea, requiring surgery as soon as possible. Without surgery, my dad could be a paraplegic by Christmas.

I wish I could have been there for that appointment to ask lots of questions, and take notes on the diagnosis, the surgery and what to expect for recovery. Mom and Dad … I do not think they heard much other than, ‘not ALS’ and ‘surgery, immediately.’

The surgeon said that he expects complete success. It may not correct the deteriorating that has already occurred, but it will halt the regression.

So today, Wednesday, November 23, 2011, at about noon (Atlantic Time … 8am Pacific), my Dad will be in surgery (as long as he is not ‘bumped’).

My dad … the one who, through his adoption of me, and lavish love for me, has taught me more about how my Father God will never let me down, than any christian on this planet.

I am telling this asking that you pray for him, for my mom, and for those of us who love him (near and far). He still has so much to give … and to receive.

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Fairy Tale Gone Wrong!

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Exercise, Fairy Tale gone Wrong, Motivation, Weight Gain, Weight Loss on November 22, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Long, long ago, in a nearby land, there was a fair maid and a handsome prince who were very successful in eliminating bad habits, starting new good habits, and shedding the pounds of (many) Christmas past.

They had walked the grounds of their palace, they had wandered through forests near and far, and they had done so with their noble beast at their side.

They became acquainted with the freshest of greens, the purest water of local springs, the most weighted and heavily grained breads, and the sweetest of fruits, from lands near and far. They passed the dainties in the shops, they resisted the flavors of farmer Angus, and discovered that less was more.

Low and behold, an evil demon crept into their kingdom, and their lifestyles started to make slow, subtle changes that have put the health of their kingdom at risk.

Recently the maid and her strong prince hopped on the royal ~~torture~~ measuring machine to see just how much damage had been done in these months of sitting on their royal thrones, and eating at the banquet table in increasing frequencies. Alas, the news was not good. Both the maid and her prince had empirical (actually ‘imperial’, as in the Imperial system, which measures in pounds) data as to why their royal gowns and tights were getting tighter than they had been in the past.

It was time for changes in the kingdom!

Sadly the season of great celebration and banqueting was but around the corner. That most wonderful season of butter-laden delicacies full of spices and herbs from lands near and far. That season of sweets and chocolate fit for a king. It will be a daily struggle for them both! He will sacrifice his love of gravy and sauces. She will sacrifice her adoration for the sweeter things in life. But, they will conquer this enemy … together.

May the prince and his fair maid arise with the sun at the break of the New Year back to where they were months ago, when their lowest was their high point!

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It’s Snowing!

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged School Cancellation, School Closure, Snow, Snow Day, Snowing on November 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There is nothing more delightful for me than the sights, sounds and hope of fresh falling snow.

The beautiful, clean, whiteness of snow blankets all that it touches with perfect precision. The sounds of the tiny weightless flakes as they land on everything they touch. And then there’s the hope that results from it’s falling … a SNOW DAY … NO SCHOOL … NOTHING THAT HAS TO BE DONE!

Truly the hope that comes from snow falling can touch our lives with perfect precision (just when we need a break), and the sounds, well they are not so gentle since the gradual late waking of a household of school kids, whose day at school has been canceled, can be one expression of noisy joy after another.

As the snow is falling this evening, hope is rising!

This evening while out to pick up my daughter, it took forty minutes to drive a distance that is normally fifteen minutes, AND I felt more relaxed than anxious, as I entertained the hopeful possibility of school cancellation tomorrow.

I am not alone in my snow filled dreaming, because as I looked on a rather popular social networking site, I noticed that there were more hopeful school staff with a status that shared my hopes, than students on my daughters account.

I admit that I am more ridiculously hopeful of a snow day than the average adolescent. It is not that I do not enjoy my job, because I do love it. It is more the bliss of a day off, with a good excuse to go nowhere, and do nothing. For me, as an adult, that is a dream!

Now, chances are that the temperature will warm, the snow will turn to rain, and I will be going to work (at school) along with my kids. But, on the off chance that we do get a school day off tomorrow … and for all our friends and family in the east … ‘we got a school day off … for three inches of snow!’ There’s gotta be at least one advantage to living in the monsoon season of the ~~wet~~ west coast.

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Silver Cross Mother

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Christmas Gifts, Growing Up, Patricia Braun, Remembrance Day, Sacrifice, Silver Cross Mother on November 14, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I wrote this post, while sitting in my pj’s, drinking my coffee, watching Canada’s national Remembrance Day service in Ottawa, on the television. As we live on the west coast we are afforded the time to watch the nations memorial before attending out own local one.

As we lived in Ottawa for six years, it is like being there again when we watch it.

Every year, whether at a Remembrance Day memorial or watching it on television, I am intrigued by one person in particular (in Ottawa). It is not the leader of the country, or of the riding. It is not the clergy who speak and pray. It is not the player of the trumpet. It is not the Governor General. It is not even the members of the royal family that we have seen in Ottawa. It is the Silver Cross Mother.

The Silver Cross is given, by the nation, to one mother each year. according to Veterans Affairs Canada, this “Memorial Cross, the gift of Canada, was issued as a memento of personal loss and sacrifice on the part of widows and mothers of Canadian sailors and soldiers who died for their country during the war.” It is an award, a medal, a distinction, in which the winner has lost. To receive the silver cross, is to have lost a son, or daughter, in military service for Canada.

This year I watched Patricia Braun, whose son was killed by a suicide bomber, in Kandahar, in 2006 at the age of twenty-seven. She was escorted with her wreath, by Canada’s Governor General, David Johnston. She was the first to lay her wreath, for (in my opinion) she lost more than any other who would lay a wreath in remembrance. She walked with poise, she laid her wreath, and then, as any mother could relate to, she kissed her fingers and laid them on the wreath … and she, and any mother watching, nearly lost it, as the gravity of why she was there fell upon our hearts.

As mothers we all know that in having a child means that we will need to give them up at some time. Just as Mary, when she was told that she would bear the Son of God. But, like Mary, we mothers do not really think too deeply about that giving up when they are a tiny babe. When they are small enough to still be carried in our arms they are all ours, and their world (quite literally) revolves around us as mothers.

The Bible (Luke 2:19) says that “Mary treasured all these things in her heart and always thought about them.” This is just prior to having her little baby boy circumcised. This is just after a week of his arrival, and the visits of shepherds who had been sent by the heavenly host and the angel.

I always wonder, what was Mary pondering? What was she really aware of? Did she know the scriptures that foretold of the coming Messiah? Did she know the scriptures that referred to him as a “lamb before the slaughter” (Isaiah 53), and as one who would “bear our suffering” (Isaiah 53)?

If we, as mothers knew the suffering that life might offer our child, our tiny babe, would we (could we) give them up to the world when they are adults?

I do not know the mind of Patricia Braun. I am sure that when her twelve year old son (my son is twelve) decided to seek a future with the military, she did not foresee where his future was to go, but she may have pondered the foreshadowing his desire created in her mother heart. She said in response to receiving the medal, “It’s kind of bitter sweet. I’m very proud to wear the Silver Cross.” It would seem she saw the bigger picture of her son’s sacrifice, but that does not detract from her personal sorrow.

I do not know the mind of Mary, but I am sure she was aware of the gravity of her babe’s future when Simeon, in the temple said to she and Joseph, “and a sword will pierce your own soul too” (Luke 2). That said, she was also was blissfully unaware of his future when her twelve year old son (my son is twelve) had been missing while traveling. When he was found he replied to his parents “’didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he was saying to them” (Luke 2). She sacrificed, for the good of all humanity, but that does not detract from her personal sorrow.

As we enter the gift purchasing, and gift giving season may we not forget that there is no gift that can equal the gift of life for life. And that is what Jesus came for, to give his life for ours.

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Remember

Posted in canada, life, WONDER, tagged Pro-War, Remember, Remembrance Day, Sacrifice on November 11, 2011| 2 Comments »

There are things that others have said to me when I was a child, and those words still come to mind at times. Words hurt! Words of truth (when spoken in love) only hurt for awhile, but words that have no basis in truth, and have no benefit … the pain that they inflict lasts forever.

Not that long ago I had asked for prayer (in a Christian grouping) for those in our armed forces who put their life on the line, by their own choice, for others who cannot. I heard later that ‘someone’ was offended that I would ask for prayer for … s o l d i e r s … Apparently my prayer request was ‘pro war’ …

And, I would do it again.

Every year we take our kids to the local cenotaph, to remember. They have nothing to remember that has touched their lives directly, but that does not erase their need to be reminded of what we are to remember. George Santayana (a Spanish-American poet) said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” May that not be said of my children, or their generation.

Many of their friends (and ours) will be spending their ‘holiday’ at the mall, sleeping in or playing video games. And, I do not begrudge them of that, since their freedom to choose how they spend Remembrance Day was bought with the blood of the same men and women we remember. But, as for me, and my house, we will remember.

I am not pro war, anymore than the men and women who choose (and have chosen) to stand in the crossfire for the sake of another. Even a pacifist should be able to humbly sacrifice a thank-you, or … offer a prayer for those who have provided peace for others.

I am idealistic enough to believe that words are better than weapons. But, I am also realistic enough to acknowledge that for peace to come through communication and not weapons, it needs to come from both sides. In our war history, there are those who had no intent to compromise for the greater good. People like Stalin, Hitler, Slobodan Milosevic and Bin Laden were not individuals whose ideologies included advice, or compromise. They were individuals whose ideologies only included their own self-serving, hunger for power, and dominance over others. And they could not be stopped by peaceful means … every day meant death for innocent people. Until others stepped in (on behalf of the victims) and risked their own lives, and spilled their own blood, to save the lives of countless people.

That is what a soldier does, they risk their lives to save and protect the lives of those who cannot protect themselves. It is not the ideal that we, or they, would choose, but, we do not always have a choice. It does not make them pro-war, it makes them pro-life. And they are willing to give theirs, even for those who won’t remember.

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Occupy Conspiracy

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Adbusters, Advent Conspiracy, Occupy Protests, Occupy Vancouver, Poverty, Robin Hood Tax, We are the 99% on November 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

It has been a few weeks since the first ‘Occupy’ protest began. A movement that is said to have been initiated by Canadian Adbusters magazine editor, Kalle Lasn (JTS Commentary, a thought proking response to one of the writings of Lasn), and is now global. In countries such as Kuala Lumpur, United States, Canada, China, Russia, Germany, the Netherlands, Brazil and South Africa (they are calling it Operation Ubuntu … personally, I think my blog post was more representative to the meaning of that word Ubuntu … just sayin’), among many others.

The participants are said to be passionate about social and economic inequality … something I would have to applaud them on.

They have been known to hold placards and shout, “we are the 99%!” I understand that what they mean is that 1% of America’s wealthiest are benefiting from the tax cuts and benefits that elude 99% of the working people in the country … hard for me to argue with that either.

Then there is the ‘Robin Hood tax’, or taxing the wealthy (banks, financial institutions) and giving it to the poor of our world and fighting climate change. I always have adored the teaching of that hooded forest fellow!

I also love that we have the freedom to public protest. If this were not the case, we would be living in a communist country. I love that we have the freedom to argue our viewpoints. If this were not the case we would have no freedom of speech. And I support and join people who work to make life better for those less fortunate.

But (you knew this was coming …), I am not sure that tent cities are the best means to attain such noble goals.

Unions have joined the protests (the wealthy unions should also be challenged to share their wealth). Some cities are looking into legal means of ending the occupations. And, in Vancouver, the original message has been lost in a drug overdose resulting in death, and at least a perception that the goal has become more about keeping the tent city than the original focus. Whatever good intentions were (and are) desired seem to be only lip service activism, and little action.

I have a better idea. One that is not just complaining about the world’s problems and it’s political leaders, but one which we, the true world’s 1% (lets look at our world more globally than simply North America. The World Health Organization estimates that one-third of the world is well-fed, one-third is under-fed one-third is starving) do all that we can, as individuals to be a part of the solution. WE are the world’s wealthy! If we, as individuals, do not make changes in how we spend our money, then we should pull up our tent pegs, duct tape our mouths, and stop insinuating that the problems of the world are the work of someone else, when they are the result of our unwillingness to alter how we live.

To me, the following short, simple, and peaceful proposition accomplishes far more for our world’s ~~99%~~ 100%.

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Heart Surgery

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Delirious, Frustrations, Heart, Heart Surgery, Lord You Have My Heart on November 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I remember hearing the above song about thirteen years ago, in concert, in Vancouver, British Columbia. I had taken our eldest daughter to hear the group Delirious perform.

We enjoyed our evening together with lots of singing, dancing and laughing. The highlight for me was when this song (Lord, You Have My Heart) was performed, and the crowd of attendees out-sang the group, and the group stopped singing, while the stadium packed full of people from all ages completed the song. It was, in all honesty, my most favorite concert moment of all time.

A few years later, that same daughter started at a new school (a Christian school). I remember hearing the elementary aged students singing this song, acapella, transforming their gymnasium into a piece of heaven.

The song has no magical qualities, and it’s greatest strength is it’s simplicity of lyrics and music. It is a song of confession, a song of commitment, a song of love.

Recently I came home from work one Friday. It had been a week of frustration, both at work, and at home. I was frustrated with … stuff! I sequestered myself into my bedroom, so as to not inflict my black mood on all around me. I lay across my bed pondering my week, allowing the numerous frustrations circulate through my thoughts, feeling more tense, more frustrated, by the moment.

Then it hit me, if I did not do something about the condition of my heart, I would spend my weekend poisoned by my own self pity, and, by Monday, my heart would be hardened.

I knew who had to do the surgery, but what was the venue? A walk (in the rain) or music? If you know me well, you know I would never choose placing myself in rain in order to improve my mood, so, music it was. I searched for ‘heart’ music, and there it was … Lord, you have my Heart.

As I lay across my bed, locked in my room, I listened, I sang … I listened again, and I sang again … over and over. I am not sure how long it took, or how many repeats of the song, or how many tears that fell as I submitted my frustrations to the one who wants to take them from me. Finally, the heart surgery was completed, and the prognosis for the weekend was looking much brighter.

Just like being at our daughter’s gymnasium, and just like standing at that stadium concert, I received a piece of heaven, in my heart.

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Remembering what is Forgotten

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Forgetting, memory loss, Philippians 1:6, Remembering on November 8, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Dinner out with a sweet pair was a great way to spend an evening. We shared laugh after countless laugh. We shared stories of great celebration, and great sorrow. We listened to each others hopes for the future, and even each others fears. It was delightful.

They are a pair of old friends, whose friendship goes back to years when she taught piano to his children. Now they are eighty-eight and ninety years, and they enjoy the company of each other immensely. It is good that they have a history together, because she is getting forgetful … very forgetful.

There were times in our evening when I answered the same question of this lovely lady two or three times, within only a five minute period of time. Each time I worked hard to answer it for her, as though for the first time. It broke my heart as she not only was struggling with remembering, but also was aware that she was forgetful. That awareness seemed to intensify the angst of her struggle. She was confused by her confusion.

It amazed me how sharp was her memory of the distant past. The longer back in her history that our conversation went, the more she remembered, and the greater her confidence in the details of those memories, and in herself. So, we kept much of the evening conversation to that comfortable past.

I do not understand the intricacies of memory loss. I do not understand why memory loss seems to affect more recent events than those of the distant past. All I know is that the person in that body is still, somewhere deep inside, that same person. Although they might not know where they are, or who they are with, or who they are, they are still in there.

It must hurt terribly to be a loved one of someone who does not remember you, but I do believe it is more frightening still to be that forgetting person. The look of confusion and of being mentally lost is one that rips the heart in two.

Periodically, throughout our evening of laughter, this dear lady would look at me and say “I don’t think I know you, but there is something about you that is special.” I would assure her that is was that we are kindred spirits, who both hate boring people and love to laugh. I think though it is even more than that. I think that our shared love of God has knit us together, and memories are nothing compared with dreams of what is to come, when those dreams include an eternity with the one “who began the good work within you, (and) will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6

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“Because … you … believe it”

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged 2 Corinthians 5:17., Because you believe it, Butterfly Circus, lies, metamorphosis, Transformation on November 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Another Friday, at the end of a long, tiring, work week. It was pure joy just to be finally able to say “it’s Friday.”

As it was Friday, there was chapel, so we all filled into the gymnasium to take our seats, record absences, and settle in for whatever was to follow. Today it was a video, called ‘The Butterfly Circus.’

The video starts out with epic music (by British born, Canadian resident, Timothy Williams), the sort of score that makes you heart leap and fall as it enters your senses. It is a beautiful score that makes you want to keep watching.

This short (twenty minutes) movie is set during the Great Depression, when the external circumstances of the lives of most people cause feelings of hopelessness. This movie is not about hopelessness, but of hope. The hope is unleashed by the Butterfly Circus, a circus that does entertainment differently, with no side shows of the unusual, un-normal, and untouchable. It is a circus that, like the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly, is about the internal change to a state of beauty, hope and redemption.

The line in the movie, that stays with you when it is over, is said by the circus ringmaster, Mendez, “The greater the struggle the more glorious the triumph.” He says this to Will (Nick Vujicic), a man with no arms and no legs. For me, though, the most poignant line came just prior to it, when Mendez repeats the line Will’s previous ringmaster said that first introduced the two, “but you, cursed from birth. A man, if you can call him that, who God himself turned his back on.” Then Will yells back, “Stop it, why would you say that?” And Mendez responds, “because you, believe it.” And tears fell, with abandon, down my cheeks.

What lines do we hear in our heads? More specifically, what LIES do we hear in our heads? The things that we have heard all of our lives, and, we believe them. Things like:

“you are ugly”

“you are fat”

“you can’t …”

“you are stupid”

“you are hopeless”

These lines, these lies become self-fulfilling prophesies. They set the course for our lives. Not because they are said to us, but because we believe them. And because we believe them, we avoid resting in our cocoon, to await the oncoming transformative process that allows us to be re-born into the body, into the life that was always intended for us.

Let me share a few lines of TRUTH, to counter the lies:

“you are justified (made good)” (Romans 5:1)

“you are redeemed and forgiven” (Colossians 1:13-14)

“you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:25)

“you are chosen by God and precious to him” (1 Peter 2:5)

^“you are a royal priesthood” (1 Peter 2:9)

“you are God’s special possession” (1 Peter2:9)

“you are blameless before God” (Ephesians 1:4)

“you are free” (Galatians 5:1)

And I say all this (truth) to you, hoping that you (and I) will believe it.

“So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;

what is old has passed away–look,

what is new has come”

2 Corinthians 5:17

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Restricted Access

Posted in life, WONDER, tagged Ecclesiastes, End of Life, Meaningless, Most Important in Life, Restricted Access on November 4, 2011| 2 Comments »

As I read the email my hubby forwarded, the words restricted access popped from the computer screen. Written by the gentle, kind-hearted wife of a man lying in a hospital bed. His not long enough earthly life now down to days. And access to his hospital room has now been restricted to family only.

At the end of life, the most important in life rise to the surface. It is the most important people in life who, ideally, we would choose to pass from this life close by our side.

“Meaningless, meaningless … ” I have been hearing this a significant amount as I have sat in a grade eleven Bible class (I work in a Christian school), who has been studying the book of Ecclesiastes. “Everything is meaningless … ” Throughout the first part of this book, everything is meaningless; work, study, pleasures, power, riches.

And, the family who is gathered around the husband and father of the man in the restricted access hospital room would say, ‘amen!’

When our earthly life comes to it’s end, the things that occupied much of our life and source of existence fade away, they become as dust or smoke. Something that fades from our minds faster than life itself. Ecclesiastes 1:3 states, “what’s there to show for a lifetime of work, a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone?” Once you are passing from this life to the next, what we have accomplished on this earth becomes … meaningless.

And what becomes meaningful?

I cannot answer that for another person. I do know that I have never heard of someone’s boss, or banker, or realtor being at their bedside as they take their last breath. They are restricted from access. Who are there, are the ones who made life … meaningful.

“Life, lovely while it lasts, is soon over.
Life as we know it, precious and beautiful, ends.
The body is put back in the same ground it came from.
The spirit returns to God, who first breathed it.”

Ecclesiastes 12:6-7

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