Marriage | itsawonderfilledlife

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Opposites Attract … Sigh

Posted in WONDER, tagged differences, Genesis 2:18, husband and wife, man and woman, Marriage, opposites, opposites attract, relationship, yin and yang on January 18, 2013| Leave a Comment »

It is said, by them, that opposites attract.

They say that the characteristics that drive us buggy each and every day (not in my relationship, of course) about each other are the same characteristics that drew us to our ~~nemesis~~ love in the first place.

For instance, the hubby who is frustrated with his wife’s inability to just get at a task and get it done, also loved how she would drop whatever she was doing to spend time with him when they first met. The woman who would like to wring her hubby’s neck for talking to every person in the grocery store, once respected how friendly he was to people.

So, we are advised by them to focus on the good side of those characteristics, rather than on the side that causes the emotional equivalent of an anaphylactic shock (not always an easy task without epinephrine!).

Truly living together can leave a person prickly!

I drive my hubby nuts because I put off each and every telephone-related task that I need to make. He drives me nuts because a telephone is a permanent part of his appearance.

I have probably caused hubby to lose years off his life (and definitely sleep) by bringing the dreaded beasty into our home and life. He has probably caused me to lose years of my life driving with him.

And speaking of driving, those solar signs that tell you what speed you are going make me slow down to dangerously low speeds because I am always so panicked by their presence. Hubby, on the other hand sees them and speeds up to see just how high he can get the number to go! But, I digress …

The yin and yang of the pairing within a marriage relationship can seem ridiculously unnatural. Sort of like the fantastic combination of balsamic vinegar and olive oil for a salad … they do not even stay mixed together! Or dollops of cold sour cream onto hot and spicy tacos. Or the brightness of the stars on the darkest night. Or putting animal dung on the same soil where we plant crops (and if you think I am going to identify which in the marital relationship is the plant and which is the dung …).

Or the combination of a man and woman, biologically, emotionally, socially opposites. Yet if God himself is the one responsible for the matching of male and female, I guess He must know what He was doing in making us not just opposite, but attractive to each other as well.

“The Lord God said,
“It is not good for the man to be alone.
I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18

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Top 10 Goals for 2013 – Marriage

Posted in Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged 2013, decisions, don't let the sun go down on your anger, Dreams, Forgive, Future, goals, GOD, hopes, Hubby, husband, Love, Marriage, New Year, Past, plans, Remember, Resolutions, responsibility, Stress, top 10, Trust on December 27, 2012| 1 Comment »

So, I am now at day number two of my Top 10 Goals for 2013, and this time the focus is hubby.

He REALLY does not appreciate posts about him, that mention him, that use him as an example … so, in honor of his preference that I not write about him … heck, I’m just going to do it anyway!

P&C Cropped

He has to forgive me … comes with the whole “love, honor and … forgive” 😉

Here are my Top Ten Goals for my Marriage for 2013:

Do not go to bed angry – I mentioned this yesterday in regards to our kids and it doesn’t hurt to say it again, “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26).
Get away – make time for at least one night each season to get away together, sans children, as a couple. It is so easy, with all of the demands of life, to forget that the family we created started with us, just us, and for this family to continue we need to invest in us.
Respect him – As I write it I just know that some poor, misinformed lady is going to interpret respecting your husband as some kind of response to an archaic male dominated patriarchal society or religion. That is NOT what this is about! He is a child of God, like me, and as such I need to respect him …
Make his life easier – I am sure that there is at least one thing I can do each week to make his life easier … from answering the phone (instead of letting him, because it is always for him), to doing his dinner clean up once in a while (not too often, as I do not want him to get too used to being relieved of ‘his’ chore).
Thank him – so often when we live with someone it is so easy to forget our manners. Please and thank you are words I know I need to use more often with my man.
Let him decide – … and be okay with his decision! My hubby knows that if I say “you choose” his whole future is at stake. I need to trust him to make a decision, and trust the outcome!
Surprise him – there is nothing like veering from the normal, everyday, meatloaf every Monday stagnant way of living to bore a couple to mediocrity! Start seeing excitement and refreshment in someone else. I WILL surprise him … and the details of that, well those are between the two of us 😉 .
Remember the past – I need to reflect on those days, so many years ago, when we only knew adoring love (aka, before we were married 😉 ) … not bills, crisscrossing schedules, and to do lists.
Forget the past – we have baggage, and that is a reality, but the past is the past, and needs to be left there. We cannot move forward if I keep looking back.
Plan for the future – “Where there is no dreaming for the future, the marriage relationship is dead” (that is the Carole Wheaton interpretation of Proverbs 29:18) … enough said.

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16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

Posted in Guest Post, Marriage, WONDER, tagged 16 Ways I Blew my Marriage, brain break, Dan Pearce, Divorce, guest post, Marriage, Mistakes, Single Dad Laughing on November 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I have been on a bit of a marriage roll lately, and the more I am researching for one post, the more interesting information and blogs I have been encountering.

The guest post of today comes from a blogger who I literally happened upon by accident, while having a ‘brain break’ on Pinterest, after much marriage research, and came across a post called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage, that I just had to open and read.

Dan Pearce is the author of the blog, Single Dad Laughing. His main subject (other than himself-the usual main topic for most of us who blog) is his son Noah, and you will see beautiful photos of the father and son pair. He has experienced marriage and divorce, and I thought his experience of both might just give those of us in the midst of the marriage minefield a fresh perspective … on the things we do (and maybe shouldn’t) and the things we do not do (and maybe should).

It is worth the read!

Carole

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What Does it Mean to Cleave to your Spouse?

Posted in Guest Post, Marriage, WONDER, tagged guest post, leave and cleave, Marriage, Rabbi Richard Bristol, research, spouse, standing strong on November 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

As I am writing my own blog posts, I do research on the topics I am writing. Often this research leads to my discovery of other bloggers, and through this I have come to subscribe to many who I love to read regularly.

Such was the way I ‘discovered’ the guest post writer of today.

I was researching the word cleaving (a word that is rarely used today) and found a writing by Rabbi Richard Bristol, on his site Standing Strong, titled “What Does it Mean to Cleave to your Spouse?”

The site describes Standing Strong as “an Expositional Liturgical Messianic Congregation (now that is a mouthful) with an outreach to followers of the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in Israel.” I was drawn to the site even more when I read, in the statement of faith, “our goal is to enrich lives regardless of race, gender, or background.” I like that!

I was blessed by the words of Rabbi Bristol, and I hope that you will be as well.

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Time Away

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged Alone, couple, Fatigue, get away, intimacy, Love, Marriage, oneness, responsibilities, robotic, romantic, survival mode, Time Alone on November 12, 2012| 1 Comment »

Why does a couple need to get away, alone? In this day and age, it is not like parents have to share their bedrooms, their beds with their children (well, except maybe for some parents of toddlers and preschoolers). We have locks on our bedroom doors, homes of great comfort, and vehicles that can get us away for a few hours at any time … any time that we are both free!

Hubby and I stole a few hours to ourselves this past weekend. He had the entire weekend booked off. Our Chinese students were planning to spend the weekend with relatives in another city, our daughter had plans to have a sleep over with a friend, and hubby was hot on a trail to find a place for our son to go.

After drop offs, errands and appointments we finally fell into our seats at the Greek restaurant we agreed to meet at for a nice, quiet dinner … for two.

And that is pretty much the only detail of our time away together that I am planning to share!

So, why does a couple need to get away, alone?

After this recent brief time away, I can answer it clearly and concisely … intimacy.

In the day to day of life with kids, pets, jobs and so many other responsibilities, survival mode is the one we stay in most of the time. Our conversations are about schedules and driving and issues related to everything but our relationship with each other. Our physical intimacy boils down to a quick kiss on the cheek and need meeting. Our ability to love the other with adoration, respect and desire is hindered by bills, fatigue and interruptions.

Basically we forget why we got together in the first place, while we are in a relationship that can begin to look more robotic than romantic.

After a few hours alone together, our conversations become more deep, more personal, more intimate. We are free to venture into areas such as dreams and fears. We are free to be just one couple, not parents, employees, bill payers, laundry doers, kid drivers, football coaches … just ONE couple.

And in having the opportunity to be alone reminds us of the intimate oneness that was all part of the plan from the beginning, that the two would become one. Not one parent unit, not one property management, social committee, corporation, but one couple.

To miss out on this opportunity of intimate oneness would be a great loss.

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Celebration from Two Sides

Posted in FAMILY, life, Marriage, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged adjustments, blending of families, celebrations, First Christmas, Habits, Hubby, leaving and cleaving, Mark 10:7-8, Marriage, new normal, normal, rituals, Traditions on November 6, 2012| 1 Comment »

Back when hubby and I were first married (in the stone ages), there was so much to adjust to in coming together into a new life.

Trying to blend two unique lives, experiences and upbringings is no small thing, and not at all easy. When this blending is in the initial stages the others family, habits and rituals seem nothing short of strange, because we humanly always think that our own existence is the ‘normal’ one (thus the others is abnormal).

Recently, when hubby and I were celebrating our anniversary, we were discussing the different things we each had to adjust to when our separate families were joined through our marriage.

One thing that stuck out, as contrasting was how our separate families would celebrate events, occasions and events.

My family celebrates EVERYTHING! Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations, moving away, etc., etc., etc. The celebrations would include not just our immediate family, but extended as well. Frequently including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. There was always food in abundance, always a cake.

My exposure to my hubby’s family, in terms of celebrations was different (remember these are just my interpretations, not necessarily those of my hubby’s experience growing up). Celebrations also included food. For birthdays the celebrations would take place at a restaurant, including the immediate family. At Christmas a meal was prepared, and shared by a few more family members. Celebrations were smaller and quieter.

From my perspective (due to my ‘other end of the spectrum’ experience) there was no celebration. I remember our first married Christmas, when the gifts under the tree were still unopened when we went to bed on December 25, only to be eventually opened the following day.

From the perspective of my hubby (due to his ‘other end of the spectrum’ experience) there was always an over-the-top celebration, with food and gifts substituting the reason for the celebration. He still does not grasp the need, on Christmas morning, to be up at an “ungodly hour” (a tradition in the home of my childhood) to open gifts, when they will still be there hours later.

Ah, and after the recognition of these differences, and others, comes the hard work of what to keep from our childhood traditions and what to throw away.

And that is what leaving and cleaving is about. When we marry, we leave our childhood, and it’s rituals behind, and we start something new. We look at the heritage we have come from and we, together as husband and wife, decide what to keep, and what to let go of, in an effort to cleave, to become a new ‘one’.

Mark 10:7-8 says, “for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh: so that they are no more two, but one flesh.” Our goal should be that over time, the two become one, understanding that together they have created a ‘new normal’, unique to only them.

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I Won’t Give Up

Posted in life, The Hubby, WONDER, tagged attention span, Committment, cry of my heart, failures, Future, God knows we're worth it, I wont give up, Jason Mraz, Love, Marriage, Memories, Perseverence, successes on October 30, 2012| 2 Comments »

A while back while in the hairstylist’s chair, this song enters my consciousness. And throughout my being I felt that inner … sigh. That sigh that says, “I heard every word, I felt every emotion, I just experienced the cry of my own heart through the words of a stranger.

I wrote recently about my flawed ability to persevere, and how I have a three year lifespan of interest in just about anything from my job, to hobbies, to even my relationship with my hubby, and it is in that, my relationship with my hubby, that the words of the song in the hairstylist’s chair, spoke to me.

It does not make me proud to admit that my hubby has heard from my lips, statements like:

“I’m done.”
“I cannot keep doing this.”
“I don’t see a future for us.”

And those are just the statements that I am willing to share in writing. Perseverance is not my strength! But, commitment is my strength, and I am thankful for that.

When we married, over twenty-three years ago, I know I expected this marriage thing to be easy, after all we loved each other, and that is all it takes, right? Well about six or seven years into our marriage, when neither of us were as quick or willing to apologize, kiss and make up, as when we were first married, easy was not how I would have described marriage.

There have been failures on the part of both of us. We have had seasons of frustration, boredom, annoyance, anger and apathy with and for each other. There have been times when each of us have failed the other in our initial vows to the other.

Now, twenty-three years later, I know that we had not even touched the tip of the iceberg of what love is when we were married. Now, I know that love is not a feeling, it is a state of being and doing, even when it is ugly, messy, uncomfortable and inconvenient. In the words of someone I heard back when we were first married, “marriage is about bad smells and bad noises,” and if I might add to it, bad attitudes and bad behaviors.

But, it is not all bad …

In our years of marriage, we have had seasons of great joy, great happiness, beautiful memories, mutual love and support of each other. My hubby is my best friend in this world, he knows me like no other, and there is no other who I want to share my darkest nights, or brightest days with. It is with him that I feel a sense of completion that is other-worldly. It is with him that I feel the most real me.

So, as I sat in that hairstylist chair, with the following song penetrating my mind and heart, the statement that came to mind so very clearly was:

“I won’t give up on us”

“God knows we’re worth it.”

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Not Just a Promise

Posted in GOD, WONDER, tagged Anniversary, bride, covenant, everlasting, Genesis 17:7, groom, Islaelites, Jeremiah 31:31-34, Marriage, New Covenant, opposites, Promises, rose colored glasses, young on October 1, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Twenty-three years! How can it be?

What were we thinking twenty-three years ago, as we stood in front of friends, and family, and God promising to love and honor and obey (yes, obey) “until death do us part”?

I know what I was thinking, “this is going to be easy, because we are so much alike.”

Ya, right! Of course we had only met about one year earlier, so, what we knew of each other was alike, and what wasn’t was shaded by rose-colored glasses.

We were young, too young (I say that as a now older woman who can see what each of us may have missed out on … the gift of knowing God’s calling for us as individuals before we were to become one couple … but that is topic for another post). Hubby was fresh out of university, only twenty-three. I was fresh out of my drafting program, just twenty. And we embarked on a lifelong, covenant relationship.

After twenty-three years, I now know that we are more opposite than alike, and easy could never describe marriage.

I also know that what we share, similarities and differences alike, is held together by the covenant that we both hold dearly. The marriage covenant is more commonly known my the word promise, but a covenant is more than a promise, more than something you say, more than something you do. It is a vow that includes us two, and the originator of covenants.

Really the marriage covenant is a metaphor for the covenant that God made with Israel (Genesis 17:7):

“I will establish my covenant, an everlasting covenantbetween me and you and your descendants after you
for the generations to come,
to be your Godand the God of your descendants after you.”

God’s covenant was that He would be the God of Israel, from before the beginning of time (everlasting) to everlasting. A marriage covenant is like this in that it is a promise between a woman and a man that nothing will separate them, like God from His people.

But, like the Israelite people, we who make a covenant with another in marriage, fail to live up to our end of the agreement. And that sometimes means we are wandering through the desert, tired, frustrated, disappointed and there is no Promise Land in sight.

Like God’s chosen people, who were probably heard muttering under their breath, “well God, where is the land flowing with milk and honey?” we wives and husbands can dwell on the (yet) unfulfilled promises of our wedding day. Promises get broken, expectations do not get met, dreams fade, and the wandering in No Man’s Land is endless. It can begin to feel that marriage is more like a life sentence.

But, it is a covenant, and God is not dismayed by the unfaithfulness, broken promises and apathy from His people. In Jeremiah (31:31-34) God provides yet another opportunity to meet at the alter:

“The days are coming,” declares the Lord,
“when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel and with the people of Judah.
It will not be like the covenant I made with their ancestors
when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt,
because they broke my covenant, though I was a husband to them,” declares the Lord.
“This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel after that time,” declares the Lord.
“I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God, and they will be my people.
No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the Lord.
“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

Let me re-write that as a wife (who has lost the rose-colored glasses from the alter):

Soon, we will simply need to start over,
you and I.
We cannot still make the vows we made back in the stone ages,
before wrinkles and cellulite
before broken promises, and disappointments,
even though we both made promises many years ago.
We need a fresh promise, a brand new covenant.
God would agree with that, and He will be faithful,
and others will see Him through this covenant He has for us
not just because He has been faithful in the past,
but because of what He will do in the days to come.
We, you and I,
we’ve got baggage.
But, a new start, a new covenant,
That could give us the chance to forgive each others broken promises,
and remember each others sins no more.

Happy Anniversary,
From everlasting to everlasting,

Your Bride

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An Education from Tanushree

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, WONDER, tagged deceit, fraud, India, Love, Marriage, NRI Marriages, prearranged marriages, Privypeeps, sinless, Tanushree, Women on September 9, 2012| Leave a Comment »

A few weeks back I read a blog by a fantastic blogger from India, named Tanushree.

Tanushree introduces me to her culture with each and every of her posts. She writes creatively and passionately, and simply for the joy of getting her thoughts out and onto the screen.

In the post that I have linked from here Tanushree weaves a tale that represents the real experiences of some women in India. A man from another country comes a calling. A marriage is arranged by his and her families, and then … well you need to read the entire story for the end to be revealed.

Sinless

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Peaceful Wife

Posted in Marriage, women, tagged April Cassidy, Encouragement, Marriage, peacefulwife, wife on August 12, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I read many different blogs each week, and have been enriched by many. Although I subscribe to many blogs, I do not read them all (I do have a life), nor do I agree all the time with the ones I subscribe to. Heck, sometimes when I re-read my own I do not agree with what I have written!

Today I wanted to share with you readers a lady, by the name of April Cassidy, whose blog I am subscribed to.

She is a woman on a mission to encourage women in marriage.

This particular post was so beautiful to me, and I believe that the words of her prayer can enrich and encourage all wives. After all, in the words of a sweet young woman only two years into marriage, “marriage is hard! And I am married to someone who is such a great husband. But it is so hard.”

Just click the link below. I hope this encourages you married women out there.

Peaceful Wife

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